


The Holiday of Hope

by shoshanna33



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 17:58:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 101,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoshanna33/pseuds/shoshanna33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story begins in the sixth year and starts out over the Christmas holidays. Severus wants Lily to give him a chance at being her boyfriend, but can she choose between him and James Potter?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

Holiday of Hope

 

It was a cold damp day at Hogwarts, and it was only three days until the end of classes before the Christmas holidays. Everyone’s mind was already on a break and the Professors were having difficulty keeping their classes under control and their students concentrating. They were all just eager to get out and go home, and no one was in much of a mood to study or take exams. But nevertheless, there were still classes to be taught. And Severus Snape stood at his desk in potions class, and watched as some of his Slytherin brothers planned a practical joke on the rather friend challenged student who shared a desk with Lily Evans. He was a short kid, with messy hair and glasses that were too big for his face. He was the butt of jokes more often than Severus was, although he refused to participate since the boy had never done anything wrong to him. And also because Lily, being the kind soul she was, had taken the outcast under her wing a bit. And the last thing he wanted to do was get more on her bad side. She already hadn’t spoken to him in over a year. But he knew he deserved that for what he’d called her. He’d brought out his worst arsenal and spoken the word ‘mudblood’ in reference to her. She’d been uncontrollably upset and hurt, and all his mates thought it was funny. But Severus didn’t think it was funny. He was angry at himself. And all he’d wanted to do since then was find a way for her to forgive him. But she wouldn’t even give him the time of day. He had no idea how to remedy it. Except he idly thought of stopping the prank before it happened so he could look heroic. But then if he did, his mates would think he was a total idiot and a killjoy. So he just stood and watched as they secretly loaded the boys cauldron with a mixture of powder that would make it explode. It was harmless as it wouldn’t do much except splatter the contents all over his clothes and maybe a little smoke. But it would still ruin the kids day, that’s for sure. But Severus was no hero. He just waited for the show to happen. And when it did, the cauldron blew up in a shower of sparks and it emptied its contents all over the boy and Lily.

There was a moment of mayhem when everyone wondered what happened, but Severus soon realized that Lily had gotten almost all of the brunt of the explosion and her face was smudged with soot and all her papers were a soggy mess. All her notes had been destroyed. And while Professor Slughorn tended to them, the boy kept insisting he’d done nothing wrong with the potion. But no one had seen the Slytherin boys pour the powder in. No one except Severus, and he wasn’t talking. But he felt badly about the entire thing. Especially when he saw how it reduced Lily to tears when she realized all her notes for the last exam were ruined beyond repair. The bell rang quickly after this, and they stayed behind to clean the mess that the Professor was certain they’d caused somehow. But Severus held back and decided now was his opening to at least speak to Lily one more time. He cautiously approached her as she sopped up the messed and brushed her straggled hair out of her face.

“That was some explosion,” Severus said quietly.

She looked up at him.

“Go away. I bet you got a kick out of that one,” she said harshly.

“No, I didn’t. I feel awful. Are all your notes ruined?” he asked her curiously.

“Yes! All of them. I don’t know how I’m supposed to study now,” she cried.

“I swear I didn’t touch the cauldron, Lily. I think someone pranked us,” the small boy told her.

“Probably. Probably one of your friends,” she announced to Severus.

He bristled slightly, but the truth of it was, they weren’t his friends exactly. Just his housemates. But he wasn’t going to rat anyone out.

“I think maybe something just spilled into the cauldron. It happens. Lily, if you want my notes to study, you can have them,” he offered her, handing over several pieces of parchment.

“I don’t need your blasted notes,” she shoved them back.

“Lily, I really am sorry. For everything. For that stuff last year. And if this was a prank, well I know what it’s like to be the victim of one of those. Let me help,” he pleaded with her.

“I wouldn’t take your notes if my life depended on it,” she scoffed angrily.

“I’ll take your notes,” the boy spoke up, his papers having been destroyed as well.

Severus just looked at him and sighed. Then he handed them over.

“There. Maybe you can convince Lily to study with you,” he said as he started to turn around and leave.

“Wait! If you give Jonathon your notes, how will you study?” Lily suddenly wondered.

He shrugged.

“I don’t need to study. I have it down. If you’re not going to take them, he may as well borrow them. I hope that proves I had nothing to do with this,” he told her seriously.

“You mean to tell me you’re so prepared, you don’t even need your notes at all?” she asked.

“More or less.”

“Look if you want to study with me in the library later tonight, I’ll just share the notes,” Jonathon offered.

“Will you be at this study session, Lily?” Severus asked hopefully.

She sighed.

“Yes, probably. I need to pass this test,” she admitted.

“Well then I’ll see you both tonight in the library,” Severus smiled slightly, before turning around and walking out the door.

Lily just stared after him, still seething. But Jonathon seemed relieved.

“You know he’s one of the smartest in this class. His notes are probably way better than mine anyway. That was nice of him,” he said with a small smile.

“He has ulterior motives. Severus always does. You don’t know him like I do,” she warned him.

“He seems okay to me. Quiet. And I’ve seen him be picked on endlessly by your friends. Who mind you, never leave me alone either. I don’t know why you’re even friends with those people,” Jonathon pointed out.

“You don’t know them like I do either. Besides they’ve stopped picking on people for the most part. I told them I wouldn’t be their friend if they kept it up. They’ve been good as of late. But I’m sorry if they ever did mess with you,” she said sincerely.

He shrugged slightly.

“Everyone does. Except you. You’ve always just treated me like a person. You’re nicer than the rest of them.”

She smiled at him.

“You are just a person. And I don’t get enjoyment from picking on others.”

“You’re about the only one.”

They finished cleaning their mess and quickly rushed off to lunch before it was over. And then Lily just sat and thought about the study date she’d set up. She knew her friends would think she was crazy for spending an evening with Severus Snape and Jonathon Thompson, the two biggest outcasts in the entire school. But she needed those notes. And she knew no one else would have as good of ones she could borrow. But she decided not to tell anyone where she was going or who she was going with. But when nightfall came and she told everyone she was going to the library, they wondered why Jonathon was eagerly tagging along behind her.

“Seems you’ve caught a stray,” Sirius remarked laughing at the height challenged boy standing behind her.

“Please be nice. Our cauldron got blown up today in class. We’re just trying to pool our resources together to study,” she told Sirius.

“Is that why your hair looked like you’d dunked it in a toilet at lunch?” James laughed.

She stuck out her tongue at him.

“Yes. Now be good you lot. I’ll be back late so don’t go getting into trouble. Besides you should be studying too.”

“Oh we will. Big time studying,” Sirius yawned and moved a piece on the chess board he was playing with James.

She just rolled her eyes and grabbed Jonathon’s arm and they disappeared out the portrait hole together.

“Think I got competition from that tiny little over spectacled weenie?” James wondered to his friends.

“Yeah, right. You know Lily. She’s just too nice to everyone. I doubt their meeting for a secret love tryst,” Remus laughed.

“I think I’d have a better chance with her than Jonathon the leprechaun. I’m kinda chubby, but at least I’m not three feet tall,” Peter remarked.

“All of you better back up, because Lily is going to be mine one day. I just know it. She just has to wake up and stop feeling sorry for all the Jonathon’s and Snivelly’s in this world,” James said with confidence.

They all patted him on the back for support and agreed she’d come around eventually, as they went back their Wizard chess game.

Meanwhile, down in the library, Severus was waiting for them to arrive. He hoped they wouldn’t back out, and he wished Jonathon wasn’t there, but it would make the first time Lily had actually agreed to be near him in ages. He wanted to make it count. When they came walking into the library, he smiled slightly and ushered them to sit down.

“This is purely a study session and nothing more,” Lily made it clear to Severus.

“I know.”

“Then let’s study.”

They opened up the book and spread out the parchments and got to work. True to his word, Snape really did already know the material, but wasn’t going to pass up a chance to share that knowledge with the two of them. After about an hour, Lily had to get up and search for another book and she left Jonathon and Severus alone at the table.

“She’s really something, isn’t she?” Jonathon said in hushed tones.

“Yes, she really is,” Severus agreed.

“Think she’d ever go out with me?” Jonathon wondered.

Severus just stared at him blankly and then shook his head.

“Never.”

“Why not? Because I’m short and have these huge glasses? She’s always nice to me.”

“She was always nice to me too, but she still didn’t want to date me,” Severus said plainly.

“I think I might ask her. You know, after the holidays? My mum says I need to stop being so shy and just ask someone out.”

Severus did not like the sound of that at all, but he kept his feelings hidden because he knew poor Jonathon had no chance. And neither did he really, but he had a history with her at least. And he was going to capitalize on it. He got up from the table and went to go see where Lily ran off to. He found in a stack of books about potions and he helped her grab a book from a high shelf.

“Here you go,” he said with a small smile.

“Thank you.”

“So, Lily, please do let me apologize to you,” he said quickly before she could run off.

“So then it was you who sabotaged our cauldron?” she wondered with a raised eyebrow.

“No, no. Not for that. I meant for last year. What I said to you. You have to know I didn’t mean it. My friends were about, and your vile friends had just tripped me in the halls yet again. And you were just standing there. I thought you were in on it. So I just said something awful, but I immediately regretted it. I don’t think that of you,” he explained as quickly as he could.

“But I am a Mudblood. You just told me once before it didn’t matter. But obviously your friends have changed your mind,” she said sadly.

“No, they haven’t! I mean, yes, they call people that. But I don’t really believe in it. I’m just trying to fit in somewhere. That’s all. But I deeply regret my choice in words. Please forgive me. It’s not how I feel,” he pleaded with her.

“A person shouldn’t say things they don’t really feel. And also, if these are the people you want to be associated with, why should I forgive you? I know what they’re like. What they’re into. What you’re into. I know all about the dark arts you lot practice. And you’re the type of boys that You Know Who is looking to recruit. If he hasn’t already,” she said in hushed tones, but very heatedly.

“I have not been recruited by You Know Who. I’m sixteen. He’s not interested in a boy like me. Or my friends,” he scoffed.

“Yes, but he will be. We all know that. And I’m going to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix. We don’t exactly match, Severus.”

“I could be a member of the Order too if you people would trust me. I’ve never done anything wrong. So what if I’ve dabbled in some dark arts? I just wanted to see what I could do. It doesn’t define me! And I’ve never hurt anyone,” he insisted.

“Be that as it may, I don’t approve,” she held up her head high.

“The almighty Lily doesn’t approve. You know, not everyone lives their lives trying to please you,” he explained.

“I realize that. But if you want my forgiveness, how can I offer it if I don’t like what you do? It’s more than just a name you called me. It’s who you spend time with. And what you do in that time. And I saw your potions book. Spells written out. What is Secumsemptra huh? That doesn’t sound pretty too me,” she informed him.

“That spell is for enemies, as you might have seen. It’s not supposed to be pretty,” he told her with a sigh.

“Enemies eh? And who are you enemies? My friends? What does the spell do? I know enough Latin to piece it together. It means to cut someone.”

“I’ve never used it!”

“Then how do you know if it works?”

“I practiced on a piece of raw meat. Happy? I tested it out on a piece of meat. Not a person or an animal. I’m no serial killer in training. I just want to be prepared if I needed to defend myself. And you said yourself You Know Who is building an army. If he really wants boys like me, don’t you think I should be prepared to fight back? I don’t think the Dark Lord accepts no for an answer very easily,” he said heatedly.

“Fine, fine. It doesn’t matter,” she held up her hands.

“It does matter. I want us to be friends again, Lily. Like before,” he pleaded with her.

“I don’t know if we can be,” she said sadly.

“Can’t we try?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. We should get back to studying,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes and rushing away from him.

The truth was, she’d missed his friendship. A lot. He was the one person in the world who always treated her special from the moment they met. When she was just a girl, she thought she was going to marry him. They even used to pretend they were husband and wife and play house in the gnarled old tree near where they lived. But everything had changed once they got into school. They lived in different worlds and traveled in different circles. She thought it would be impossible for them to ever get back the friendship they once had. And it wasn’t just because he called her a bad name or made up some dark spells, it was just that they were too different. But she was going to consider his offer and maybe they could at least speak once in a while again? There might be no harm in that.

Once the study session was over, she politely thanked him for the use of his notes and his help, and she and Jonathon went back up to Gryffindor tower, while he slunk back down to the dungeons. But it had been rather pleasant. And he’d helped them a lot. She knew why he was helping her, but she didn’t know why he bothered with Jonathon. Maybe he was nicer than she’d given him credit for? She kept that thought in her mind the next few days until it was time to head home for the holiday. She was to be on her own when she first arrived home as her parents and sister were visiting her aunt and weren’t expected to arrive until two days later. She felt incredibly slighted that they didn’t wait for her to visit, but she was just told that her aunt was leaving town for Christmas and this was the only time they’d be able to see her. So when the train arrived in London, she was left alone to find a taxi to take her home. And she got some very strange looks from the driver when she shoved a cat and an owl in a cage into the back seat with her. But over the years, she assumed these taxi drivers had seen it all, but just never understood any of it. She didn’t tell any of her friends she was going home alone for two days, but the truth was, she wasn’t looking forward to being all alone in the house.

When she got there, she unloaded her things and dragged her trunk into the dingy little house and deposited her pets inside. The place was cold and damp and without using magic, she didn’t know how to start a proper fire in the fireplace. She clanked on the old radiator for heat and tried to relax and settle in. But she was restless. So she bundled herself up and took a walk to the spot where she and Severus always used to meet. It was covered with snow now and very cold and icicles hung from the branches of the old tree that they loved. She walked down to the banks of the pond and stared at her reflection in the ice that had formed at the banks of the river, making a mirror to gaze in. That’s when she saw his reflection meet up with hers and she whirled around to see Severus standing behind her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked with a cautious tone.

“Same as you, I suspect. Escaping my mum. She’s driving me to distraction already and it’s only been a few hours. I told her I was going to a friend’s house,” he explained.

She laughed slightly.

“Except you don’t have any friends here in Spinner’s End, do you?”

“I have you.”

She was quiet for a moment then nodded her head.

“Yeah, you do have me,” she admitted. “But I’m not escaping my mum. My family is visiting my aunt. They won’t be home for two days. Can you even imagine? They haven’t seen me for months and they’re not even here.”

“That’s ridiculous. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have had you over for supper. Though it wasn’t much. Just some beans and toast. I miss Hogwarts feasts already.”

“It’s okay. Your mum is kind of scary and always looks at me funny. Did you hear her the one time when she said red hair was the sign of a devil? She detests me,” Lily sighed.

“She doesn’t much like me either. I remind her too much of my father.”

“You’re nothing like him though,” Lily told him.

“But I look like him. That’s enough. My mum isn’t all bad though. She has her moments. And she would have welcomed you for supper. I’d see to it,” he insisted.

“Thank you, but it’s quite alright. I’ll survive. It’s only two days and I’m almost seventeen. I cannot wait for the tracker to be removed so I can use magic to start a proper fire at home,” she giggled slightly.

“I could make you a fire. If you wanted. I know how,” he offered.

“Maybe? I’m still sort of mad at you, you realize.”

“I’ve said all I can say, Lily. I’m trying to be nice here. Trying to make up for it,” he explained.

Lily didn’t say anything at first, she just scooped up a wad of snow and played with it in her hands until she formed a snowball. She turned around and chucked it right at Severus’s face. He was momentarily startled but soon he was laughing. And then it started a terrible war in which they were both running after each other trying to hurl the most snowballs they could. It was only stopped once they were both wet and freezing and completely out of breath.

“Alright, enough. I’m going to catch my death out here,” she said feeling happy that she got some of her aggressions out on Severus without actually hurting him.

“At least let me walk you home so I can start that fire for you,” he told her, slightly out of breath.

“Oh alright. I’m too tired to argue with you,” she relented.

They walked along together, trudging through the snow and Severus really wanted to put his arm around her to keep her warmer, but he was too nervous. So he kept his hands firmly in his pockets until they arrived at her home. They walked inside and she threw off her wet coat and scarf and her hat, and then showed Severus the fireplace.

“I’m going upstairs to put on dry clothes. Do you want something of my fathers? You must be wet too,” she offered him.

“You don’t have to,” he shook his head.

“Don’t be silly. I’ll be right back.”

She disappeared up the stairs and he got to work putting in the kindling and stacking the logs and he used the matches by the hearth to light the fire. He was pretty good at this, even without magic and he just sat back in his wet clothes and tried to get warm. A short time later, Lily came downstairs with a sweatshirt and sweatpants on, and she brought Severus a man’s sweatshirt and sweatpants that were at least two sizes too large. He was skinny and her father was slightly portly. But at least the clothes were dry. He went into the bathroom to change them and came out and laid his other clothes in front of the fire to dry out. He noticed Lily had brought down several blankets and pillows and had made a little fort in front of the fire.

“What is this? A fort? Are you nine still?” he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Don’t you remember, Severus? The day we made a fort in the snow with my mother’s blankets? She was so cross at me for getting them wet. But you made a little fire for us then too and it almost caught the fort on fire. It was priceless! I think we were ten actually,” she said with fond memories.

“I remember it perfectly,” he said as he crawled under the blanket and sat next to her on the pillows.

“I had so much fun that day. And when Petunia tried to knock it down, you threatened to turn her into a tree frog. She believed you and ran home to tell my mum, which is when I got in so much trouble for stealing her good blankets,” Lily laughed.

“I remember thinking before that, that I could grow old in that fort with you. I never wanted to go back home,” he admitted with a tinge of melancholy.

“I know. I didn’t much want to go home either,” she remember with a smile.

“What happened to those two kids, Lily? We were so close. We told each other everything,” he said, shaking his head.

“We grew up. We’re not ten anymore. And sometimes our childhood friends don’t stay our friends forever. You move on. I think that’s your problem, Severus. You live in the past. I’m rather living for the future,” she explained.

“I live in the past because it was better then. Simpler. Happier.”

“Growing up isn’t supposed to be simple, you know.”

“Yeah, but isn’t it supposed to be happy? My happiest times were with you,” he admitted shyly.

“Don’t you fancy any other girls in school?” she wondered, pulling a blanket over her legs and snuggling down into the pillows next to him.

“Me? Fancy other girls? What would be the point? They’d just laugh at me,” he said miserably as he pulled up the other blanket and laid down next to her.

“But I haven’t given you the time of day in over a year. Surely someone else would,” she explained.

“No they wouldn’t. Besides you’re the only one I can think of,” he admitted boldly, touching her arm.

“Oh Severus. You have to stop. I mean, we have a history. And most of it’s lovely. But it’s history. Not the present. I’ve fancied other blokes, you know. I dated some,” she admitted.

“You think I don’t know? I know. But it was obviously never serious. You’re not taken now are you?” he asked.

She sighed and reached over and touched his face.

“No, I’m not. But I have been thinking about James a lot. You know he’s liked me for ages. I said I’d never go out with him, but he’s changed. He seems older and wiser. I’ve been considering it,” she said as gently as she could.

“James? That ignorant fool? Why him of all people when you know he’s the one who bullied me the most?” Severus asked, sitting up and scooting away from her.

“He hasn’t bullied you for a time. I told him to stop. And he did. Hasn’t he?” she asked curiously.

Severus thought for a moment, then sighed.

“Yeah, I guess it’s been awhile. But still!”

“People change. And I don’t know. I sort of fancy him a bit. I can’t help it!” she protested.

“You’d rather be with someone you hated than be with me?” he asked sadly.

“I never hated him. I disliked him. But it’s not about that. I just think of you as a friend, Severus. I thought that’s what you thought of me too,” she admitted.

“Are you mad? You must have known I was crazy for you my entire life. The moment we first met, I was in love. You used to say you loved me too. Don’t you remember?” he wondered.

“I do remember. And I did love you. But we were kids. I loved Barbie dolls and having tea parties too. People grow out of things,” she told him.

“Not everyone does. People don’t grow out of people. I’m not a stupid doll you throw in a box when you’re too old for it,” he said bitterly.

“I shouldn’t have compared you to a doll. But I’m just saying that I loved you when I was a girl. I’m a woman now. I’m about to be seventeen. And we haven’t even spoken in over a year until now. It’s kind of sad to me that you’ve been pining away, when I’ve gone on with things,” she said softly.

“Pining? That’s what you think? I wasn’t pining. I just loved you. And I figured one day we’d make up and you’d realize I was still waiting for you. It’s not like I was obsessed or anything. I did go on with my life. As you well know. I made friends. I moved on too. But that doesn’t mean I forgot you,” he said animatedly, getting frustrated with her.

“Please just stop. I don’t want to argue. I wanted this to be fun. Like nostalgic. A silly fort in front of the fire. I thought we could eat sweets and gossip or just tell jokes or catch up on life. That’s what I was trying to do. Catch you up on my life,” she explained.

“Catch me up on the man you’d rather be with than me? The one who tormented me for years? Who embarrassed and humiliated me for years? Did you expect me to be happy for you?” he wondered bitterly.

“Yes! I did. Because I might be happy with him. Isn’t that what you want? Me to be happy?”

“Yes, but not with him. I thought you’d want to see me happy too,” he whispered.

“I do!”

“But you’re rejecting me outright. How am I supposed to be happy?”

“You find someone new. That’s how life works. Of course I want you happy. It just isn’t going to be with me,” she said gently.

“Just like that. I find someone new. What if I don’t want someone new?” he asked miserably.

“I don’t know what to say. Surely you realized a long time ago that I wasn’t the one? I couldn’t be. We weren’t even speaking.”

“But we are now. And we had fun today with the snowball fight. It was like old times. It was like nothing had changed,” he reminded her.

“It has changed though.”

He just stared at her and wanted to kiss her. He thought maybe if he did that, she’d see they were meant to be. But an unwanted kiss could also make her throw him out and really never talk to him again. So all he did was lay back down under the blanket and nestled his head into the pillows and not say a word. She finally followed suit and laid back down again and faced him, but he wouldn’t look her in the eyes.

“Are you cross with me now?” she wondered.

“No. I’m just sad. I thought we could have a new beginning, that’s all.”

“This is a new beginning. We can be friends again. I thought that’s what you were after. And I forgive you. No more cold shoulder. We can be friends like before,” she assured him.

“Friends?”

“Yes.”

“That’s it though?”

“Yes.”

“Will you give me these two weeks to try and change your mind? I mean, how do you know you couldn’t love me again unless you actually give it a shot? Let me take this time to try and win you over. I’ve got to be better than James. Satan is better than James,” he scoffed.

She laughed slightly.

“What are you planning to do? Shower me with roses and diamonds? How will you woo me?”

“I don’t know. But give me a chance. Let’s start by talking about stuff. Like we used to. And not about who you want to date besides me. But about you. Your life. Your thoughts. And I’ll tell you mine. Like before.”

“Alright. Fine.” She snuggled down closer to him in the pillows and they were almost nose to nose. “I have a secret I’ve not told anyone,” she began.

“This sounds good. What is it?”

“Last summer I did something really naughty. My parents would kill me!” she cried.

“Naughty? Is this about another boy? Because I said no talk about that,” he cringed.

She smacked his arm.

“No, not naughty like that. But I met some Muggles and they had grass. I smoked it with them,” she whispered to him softly.

“Grass? You mean marijuana?” he was shocked.

“Yes! All the Muggles are doing it. It’s the 70’s! I wanted to try it.”

“That is naughty. Did you like it?” he wondered curiously.

She shrugged.

“I didn’t not like it. But I doubt I’ll ever do it again. It was a moment of frivolity. I threw caution to the wind. We sat in the back of a Volkswagen bus and they passed the cigarette thingy around,” she explained.

Severus just stared at her for a moment and then he laughed. He couldn’t picture her doing that at all. But the thought of her being high was amusing.

“Did you eat a lot? I hear it makes you eat a lot?” he asked curiously.

“I did! I ate an entire bag of crisps. And some chocolate,” she admitted. “Have you ever done anything like that?”

“Me? My mum would murder me in my sleep if she found out about that. But I did do something similar last summer. She’d still kill me if she knew,” he confessed.

“What did you do?”

“I stole a bottle of scotch and drank half of it in my room. Then I filled it up with water so it didn’t look like I drank any. Except it was kind of watery looking. But my mum never said a word. I think she just thought it was cheap scotch,” he laughed slightly.

“So did you get drunk? Was it fun? I’ve only sipped some wine before.”

“I enjoyed it. It made my head all fuzzy. But in a pleasant way. I could do it again. Someday when I’m allowed, I’ll do it whenever I want,” he said proudly.

“So I guess we were both naughty last summer. Does anyone else know what you did?” she asked conspiratorially.

“No, I didn’t tell anyone. Just you.”

“So this can be our secret. No one else knows. Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Should we make the Unbreakable Vow?” she asked with her eyes wide.

He laughed at her.

“I hardly think that’s necessary for this. Pinky swear?” he offered.

“Alright.”

She held out her hand and he held out his and they locked pinkies.

“I swear never to tell,” they both said at the same time, before they both started laughing.

“See, I love this. This is fun. This is what I missed about you,” she admitted snuggling closer to him for warmth.

“I’ve missed this too. And you know I’m not gonna spill your secrets. Ever. I’m an excellent secret keeper when necessary.”

“Yes, you are. Which begs the question, who blew up our cauldron? I know you know,” she prodded him.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged.

“Yes you do!”

“Why would I know?”

“Because I’m guessing it was Frankie Mullins and his sidekick Jared whatever his name is. They were laughing the most. So spill it.”

“I’ll only tell you if you promise you won’t tell anyone else. Otherwise, forget it,” he told her.

“I promise. I just want to know,” she assured him.

He sighed.

“Alright. It was Mullins and Warren. I saw them do it, but I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t think it would do much, or else I would have stepped in,” he said.

“Liar. You wouldn’t have stepped in. You didn’t want to look foolish. But thanks for telling me. Those two are now on my shit list. I knew it was them!” she said triumphantly.

“If they’re on your shit list, it can’t be because I told you. Remember that.”

“I promise they won’t know who told me. I’ll just say someone else saw them. Those buggers.”

“They’re gonna know it was me. You can’t say anything. You promised,” he reminded her.

“Oh fine. But if they step one toe out of line again, they’ll feel my wrath. Mark my words.”

They were silent for a time, while Lily seethed and Severus wished he hadn’t told her. But then finally she broke the silence and looked him in the eyes again.

“So have you ever been with a girl at all, Severus?” she wondered curiously.

His face turned red in the firelight and he shook his head.

“No. I can’t even speak to girls at all without tripping over my tongue. I’m sure that makes me seem pathetic to you.”

“Not pathetic. Just a little sad for you. Most people have at least had a snog by now,” she sighed.

“Well I haven’t. Probably never will,” he muttered unhappily.

She looked at his sad little face and didn’t really understand why no girl would be interested in him. Sure his hair was a little limp and his nose was a bit pronounced, but he was still handsome in a rugged way. She leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips. Nothing fancy or passionate. Just a little friendly kiss to say he’d done it at least. She pulled back and the look on his face was utter shock and amazement.

“Why’d you do that?” he sputtered out nervously.

She shrugged.

“So you could say you’ve had a bit of a snog at least.”

“You’ve never kissed my lips before.”

“I know.”

“I liked it,” he smiled.

“It wasn’t half bad,” she smiled back.

“Can I do it again?” he wondered eagerly.

“No. Let’s not get carried away,” she pushed him back slightly.

“Okay. Sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

“So how many boys have you snogged?” he asked quietly, thinking it obviously was no big deal for her as it was for him.

“Not that many. Maybe four? I didn’t keep track,” she said nonchalantly.

“Have you ever kissed James?” he wondered, trying to keep his bitterness to a minimum.

“No. Not yet.”

“Good. At least I have something he doesn’t have,” he said smugly.

“It was just a little kiss. I don’t even know if it counts really. Don’t make a huge deal of it,” she urged him, feeling a bit foolish for having done it at all.

“Right. It meant nothing. It was for pity’s sake, right?” he sighed.

“Let’s change the subject. Tell me more about the spells you make up. I can do some conjuring charms. I made flowers and fish and birds. But I’ve never done anything defensive. Is it hard to come up with them?” she wondered pulling the blanket up to her chin.

“It’s not easy, mind you. But if you know what you’re doing, it’s not that bad. And for the record I came up with Secumsemptra after I overheard two boys talking about beating me up in the loo at school. They weren’t even talking about magic. They wanted to resort to fisticuffs and dunk my head in a toilet. I just wanted to scare them. I wasn’t going to use it on them for real.”

“But how would it scare them if they didn’t know what it did? Were you going to bring a piece of meat and demonstrate?” she wondered with a raised eyebrow.

“No. It doesn’t just cut flesh, it cuts wood or other things. If they saw me blast it at a wall they’d understand they wouldn’t want it aimed at them. But they caught wind of my spell and never touched me. So I say it was worth it. Even if you don’t approve,” he sighed.

“I guess I can understand it. Wanting to defend yourself. But you could kill someone with that,” she pointed out.

“Possibly. But I’m not going to do that. What you don’t get about being like me is that if I don’t have a bad ass reputation as a scary wizard, it’s me hanging upside down in my underwear for the rest of my life. And I will never, ever let that happen again,” he said heatedly.

“Point taken. That was mean. And cruel. I’m sorry about that one,” she admitted.

“Don’t be. You didn’t do it. But your precious James sure was laughing. Remember that. You say you don’t know if you want to even associate with me because some of my friends are into the dark arts. But you expect me to just forget about James and his gang and be your friend? That’s a double standard,” he shook his head.

“You’re right. It is. I’m sorry. But I did say we could be friends. I just don’t want you getting your hopes up that it means more than that,” she told him.

“My hopes aren’t up. Trust me. I understand you. But I do think that if you spend the next two weeks with me—and only me, you’ll see how good we are together,” he said with confidence.

“That sounds like your hopes are up.”

“No, I’m prepared for failure. I just think you might feel differently is all. But you have to give it a real chance.”

“I will. But you do realize I’ll need to spend time with my family too. That’s the whole reason I’m here,” she reminded him.

“I know. But in your free time. I’d like you to spend it with me. I want you to see that I haven’t changed as much as you think I have. I’m still the boy you knew. The boy you loved,” he told her.

She was hesitant, but she just nodded her head.

“Okay. Two weeks. And we’ll see. But right now, it’s getting late. Your mum is going to be cross isn’t she if you don’t return home?”

“I’ve got a little more time. Right now she’s settling into her scotch and knitting cunning sweater sets by the fire. In about two hours, she’ll be asleep. Then I’ll sneak back in,” he said with a grin.

“You know her very well.”

“She’s my mum. And she’s incredibly predictable. If I was there, I’d simply be in my room reading anyway. I’d rather stay here.”

“Okay. Well I’m getting snacks. I’m famished. You want something?” she asked him happily.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you’ve got. I’ll wait in the fort,” he laughed slightly.

She got up and went to the kitchen and he realized he had a smile on his face. He had been laughing. This was something he rarely ever did anymore. He was always so sullen. And no one ever accused him of being a class clown. He was reserved and quiet and morose most of the time. But a few hours with Lily and suddenly he felt alive inside again. He almost didn’t even know who he was right now. And when she returned with a bag of crisps and some chocolate biscuits and two root beers, even she noticed his smile was still there. It was so odd to see.

“I brought some goodies. And I know you like root beer. My father had real beer, but if I took that, he’d notice. So I hope this is okay,” she said, settling back into the fort.

“It’s perfect.”

She just kept staring at him, noting the smile, until he finally got uncomfortable and stopped grinning.

“Is something wrong?” he wondered to her, feeling self-conscious.

“No, not at all. It’s just you were smiling so much. And it wasn’t one of those fake smiles I sometimes see. This smile reached your eyes. They were shining. Is that because of me?” she wondered curiously.

“There’s no one else here, so yeah. And is it so strange for me to smile?” he asked, knowing it was.

“Yes, it is. You never do. Ever. Not for ages. At least not where I see you. I rather like it,” she smiled back.

“Well, I’m not always so gloomy. I do know how to have fun. I just rarely have it, but I haven’t forgotten how. And this is fun,” he grinned as he took a sip of his drink and dug into the biscuits.

After a time of silence where they were both eating and drinking and thinking, Lily finally looked at him again.

“So Severus, what do you want to do after school is done? I already said I wanted to be a member of the Order. You expressed interest in that too. Was that for real?” she asked.

He shrugged.

“I doubt the Order will let me in. I rather thought I’d be a teacher.”

“A teacher? But you hate everyone. You’d be a horrible teacher since you can’t stand any of the students,” she giggled.

“Shut your mouth. I’d be an excellent teacher. I don’t hate everyone. I like you. And I do have friends,” he pointed out, giving her a shove.

“I just can’t picture you with children. What do you want to teach?” she inquired, shoving a biscuit in her mouth.

“Defense of the Dark Arts. I’d be a natural at it, I think. I know a lot of about it already. Or barring that, perhaps potions?” he offered.

“You’re getting very high marks in both those subjects. You could probably do it. It’d just be weird to think of you teaching,” she admitted.

“Well what do you see me doing? Except joining the Death Eaters and aligning myself with the Dark Lord?” he said snidely.

“I never said I saw you doing that. Just that you’re the type of person he would love to get his hands on. You and your chums,” she clarified.

“Well, he’s not getting his hands on me. I’m better than that. Besides you’d never speak to me again, would you?” he asked.

“No, I wouldn’t. How could I?”

“So then it’s not happening. And just so you’re aware, You Know Who has never sent in any ‘recruiter’ or anything to the school. That’s all rubbish,” he scoffed.

“Do you know people who have joined him later though?” she wondered, finishing off her soda.

“I might.”

“Do tell.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not? It’s me, remember? Our secrets are safe with each other,” she reminded him.

“Yes, but this isn’t my secret. I can’t tell you who I know, but yes, I know some people,” he admitted.

“I don’t like the sound of that. What’s to stop them from bringing you in with them later on?” she fretted.

“I’m the one who stops them. I’m not an imbecile. They can’t make me, can they?”

“I thought you said the Dark Lord wouldn’t take too lightly to being turned down? What if you’re in danger?”

“Lily, relax. I’m still in charge of my destiny. And I’m not going to join them. So stop worrying. I wouldn’t do anything you’d hate. Not again. So just forget it,” he said pushing the crisps back and laying back down again.

He knew she had some reason to worry because a lot of his friends did want to join. And they talked of him joining too. It wasn’t a ‘recruitment’, but more of a desire. And he knew a very powerful and well known person who did in fact join and urged him to do the same when he was out of school. But he’d never, ever tell Lily that. She could never know that his old friend Lucius Malfoy was a Death Eater. He had been a few years ahead of them in school, so they weren’t best of friends. But they certainly knew each other as he’d been prefect of Slytherin house when Severus arrived. But it’s not as if Lucius was forcing his hand. He was simply hoping Severus would join the movement. But Lily never needed to know that. It would only upset her and make her worry, because he wasn’t going to do it. Not if it meant losing her. Besides, it wasn’t the right thing to do anyway, and he knew it. He didn’t even believe in the cause. The only reason to join would be power, but Severus wasn’t as power hungry as some of his friends. He really just wanted a simple life. To marry Lily, be a teacher and have a few kids. A quiet existence. One he knew he may never get, but he still dreamed of it.

Finally he looked at the clock and yawned.

“I need to go now. My mum should be passed out squarely and I’ll just sneak in and pretend I was there for ages. You sure you’re alright in this house alone? I could try and stay the night, but I might get in enormous trouble for it,” he told her.

“No, it’s fine. You go home. I’ll manage. But will I see you again tomorrow? My family won’t be back until the morning after,” she asked him.

“Meet me at our spot again. Around eleven? We’ll spend the day together. It’ll be fun. You’ll see. Wear something warm,” he smiled one last time before crawling out of the blanket fort and gathering up his clothes, that were now dry, to change.

Lily watched him go and she wondered if he was really telling the truth about not joining the Dark Lord. Did he really want to be a teacher of all things? It seemed so odd, be he also seemed genuine. She just worried that if it was known how powerful and smart he really was, he might not get the choice to not join. But he swore that wasn’t how it worked. And she didn’t know. She had no clue how Voldemort got his supporters except she just imagined all these people being herded into a room and forced to bear his mark for eternity. But maybe it really was a choice? Before she could ponder it too long, Severus came back and handed her the oversized sweat suit he’d been wearing.

“Thanks for this. Good thing I’m used to hand me down clothes,” he smirked slightly.

“You looked goofy in them, you realize. I didn’t have the heart to tell you,” she stuck out her tongue at him.

“Well you still kissed me, so I say it’s a win. Goodnight Lily. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And before she could stop him or process it, he’d kissed her forehead and then disappeared quickly out the front door. She just laid back in her silly little fort and contemplated what she was doing. She was giving Severus two weeks to somehow impress her enough that she’d want to date him. But she wasn’t sure that was possible. It wasn’t that she was angry at him still or that she didn’t find him attractive. She just wasn’t sure she felt anything but friendship towards him. When she thought of Severus, she’d smile. But when she thought of James lately, her stomach would do that flippy thing and she felt happy and sick at the same time. She wasn’t sure Severus could ever make her feel that way. And it wouldn’t be his fault. But he’s the one who wanted to try this, so she was going to play along.

 

To be continued… Please leave comments and let me know if you’re liking the story so far! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus continue to spend time together in order to try out this little experiment. They begin to grow closer, but Lily still has her doubts.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

The next morning, Lily awoke in her fort by the fire, that had now gone out. She was cold and shivering and got up to turn on the radiator again. She realized suddenly all the events of the previous night, and remembered she was supposed to be meeting Severus soon to somehow give him this chance to win her heart. She felt like it was maybe a lesson in futility and completely unfair to him, but she also had to admit that yesterday had been fun. A lot of fun. And even if her mind kept wandering to James and wondering what he was up to with Sirius over the holiday, she realized she’d never spent a night with him just talking and laughing or reminiscing. They had nothing to reminisce over. And most of their talking was playful banter and teasing, and nothing serious or important. Maybe what she felt for James was simple lust, and what she felt for Severus was deeper than that? Could he be right? She wasn’t sure. But she’d made this promise and she intended to keep an open mind. Although she knew if her friends realized she was doing this, they’d all freak out and be horrified at her. But that said more about them than it did about Severus. If anything, it only proved what he was saying that they weren’t nice people. But she dispelled those thoughts from her mind and went to take a hot shower and get dressed for her day of undisclosed fun.

After getting out of the shower, she dressed in a paisley purple tunic and her bell bottom jeans with the holes perfectly worn into the knees. She pulled on her bright purple wool jacket and wrapped a tan scarf around her neck before putting on a purple knit cap with a pom-pom on it. She then pulled on her brown boots and examined herself in the mirror. Her hair was a wild mess, but she supposed she looked pretty enough. Not that she had to try hard to impress Severus. But she still wanted to look nice. She quickly ate some toast, and headed out to the spot where they were to meet. She was running a bit late and the snow was slowing her down. When she arrived she found him already waiting and standing by the tree dressed all in black with an oversized coat that draped the ground as it was too long for him. She suspected it belonged to his father or a stranger and they’d gotten it at the thrift shop. But he actually looked somewhat handsome in the ill-fitting ensemble. She smiled at him and walked over.

“Sorry I’m late. I overslept,” she told him.

“It’s alright. I thought maybe you weren’t coming,” he admitted.

“No, I said I’d be here. Now what is your plan? You said it’d be fun,” she reminded him.

“It will be.”

He then produced two metal trash can lids hidden behind the tree. He handed one to her and she just stared at it.

“What on earth is this for? A bin lid?” she giggled.

“We don’t own a sled. But if you go to the top of the hill and sit on this, you slide down just like a sled. I call it the poor man’s sled. Trust me, it’s loads of entertainment,” he grinned at her.

“We sit on the lids and slide down? What if we slide into the frozen pond?” she wondered.

“Well, we’ll go over yonder away from the pond. It’s perfectly safe and fun. Just try it,” he urged her.

She took her bin lid and followed him to a spot he knew well at the top of a small hill that emptied out into a field on the other side of the pond.

“Where did you get these? Will your mum be missing them from her rubbish containers?” she asked curiously.

“I swiped them from the neighbors. But I’m gonna put them back. They’ll never notice,” he said with a laugh.

“A thief to boot. Your incorrigible,” she teased him.

“I’m a terrible man. I know. But just sit on your lid and slide down. Soon you’ll forget all about my temporary thievery,” he urged, making a face at her.

She watched as he sat the lid down on the top of the snowy hill then he sat down on it cross legged. She followed suit and then he told her to just give herself a little push off, which she did, and then they soon were both sliding down the hill much faster than she expected. The lids were going all willy nilly and they almost crashed into each other a few times, then they settled at the bottom of the hill, both toppling over and crashing into the snow. The laughter from Lily was immense and she had to admit she hadn’t had that much fun in ages. Her life was so full of studies and magic that simple Muggle activities held a lot of charm these days. And it seemed Severus thought so too.

“So did you enjoy that?” he asked breathlessly, walking over to her and helping her up.

“Yes! Let’s do it again. Let’s have races! See who gets to the bottom first!” she said excitedly.

He was up for that so they trudged up the hill again and began their races. It seemed most of the time they tied each other, except for one time when Lily’s lid veered off course and landed in a huge snowbank on the side of the hill. Severus had to help dig her out, but she was laughing too hard to really care how wet and cold she was. They did this for a good long while, until on their last run, they collided with each other and Lily flew off her lid and landed right in Severus’s lap, which tipped them over into the snow. She lay on top of him, breathing heavily and he just looked up at her expectantly because their faces were very close and a kiss seemed imminent. But Lily stopped it and pulled herself off him. It didn’t go unnoticed though that they’d both felt the urge to kiss. It wasn’t just him. But she was still confused. And she said she’d had enough of the makeshift sledding. Severus was disappointed, but not discouraged. They still had plenty of time. They took their lids and set them under the tree again and this time just sat on top of them to keep their bums dry. Severus reached over and held Lily’s frozen hands, even though they both had gloves on, but the snow had made them sodden.

“Your hands must be so cold. Here, take off your gloves and let me warm them up,” he urged her.

He slipped the gloves off and laid them in the snow, then he pulled her hands inside his coat and laid them against his warm chest, effectively pulling her even closer.

“What are you doing?” she asked nervously.

“I’m getting your hands warm,” he remarked casually.

“On your chest?”

“Yes. It’s warm isn’t it? It’s not like I shoved my hands into your coat onto your tits,” he laughed heartily.

She was shocked at what he said and she burst out laughing.

“Severus! I didn’t even know you knew the word tits,” she giggled.

“Why? Do I seem that sexless to you? God, I know what tits are. I’m a sixteen year old boy,” he pointed out.

“Sometimes I forget you’re just like all the rest. You seem so…”

“Boring? Asexual? The only reason I’m not snogging girls and feeling them up is because one, they won’t talk to me. And two, I’m in love with you,” he said plainly.

“Severus…”

“What? It’s true. But I’d never try and feel you up. Not unless you wanted me to, that is,” he added with a smirk.

“Stop it! I’ve never let anyone do that, if you must know,” she said haughtily.

“Really? Never? Not even a little grab?” he was curious.

“No! I’m not that kind of girl.”

“Someday you will be though. I mean, sooner or later. Don’t you want to do that stuff with someone?” he asked, gripping her hands tighter to his chest.

“Yes. Of course. Someday. Just I haven’t found the right bloke,” she stammered, completely caught off guard by Severus speaking of anything remotely sexual. She wasn’t used to it.

“Maybe I’ll be the lucky one?” he said with a raised eyebrow.

“Keep dreaming!” she yanked her hands out of his grip and shoved her hands into her own jacket and looked away from him.

“Does it make you nervous to talk about things like this? I rather thought you didn’t find it a big deal. You talked about the boys you’d snogged,” he pointed out, unsure why she was so uncomfortable.

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable exactly. It’s just you. Talking about desires and such. I never thought of you having them,” she admitted with a slight shrug.

He laughed and shook his head.

“Lily, I’m a man. Granted I’m not yet an adult, but I’m just like every other teenager there is. I’m about to be seventeen in a couple weeks. Do you think I sit around every day with a scowl on my face making up dark spells and brewing potions in my dungeon?” he asked her.

“Yes. I did. That’s how I imagine you.”

“Well it’s not me all the time. I have a human side that’s not a magical freak show. I want the same things everyone else wants. I just know I probably won’t get them,” he admitted quietly.

She sat there and looked at him and noted how sad he looked believing he’d never have those human things or experience lust and be able to act like a regular boy. He was too shy and reserved most of the time. And sadly, he just wasn’t that popular with the girls. But that didn’t mean it’d never happen ever. But he seemed to think so.

“Do you want to touch them?” she asked barely above a whisper.

“What?” His head snapped up and he looked at her with shock.

“You know. Do you want to touch them? Just over my clothes! And don’t get all carried away. But you could touch them,” she said looking away from his face.

“No. I’m not going to do that! You don’t really mean that. Are you mental, Lily?” he said shaking his head in amusement.

“Oh come on. You just lamented how you wanted the same things other boys wanted. I’m giving you a chance! You asked for one. So just grab my tits already and be done with it,” she said grabbing his hands and shoving them into her coat, before she could change her mind.

Severus didn’t even know what hit him. One minute he was about ready to shoot himself at the idea of never being with any girl, much less Lily, and now she shoved his hands onto her breasts? Was he dreaming? The only problem is he had thick gloves on and couldn’t feel a single thing.

“So? Is it exciting?” she asked curiously.

“Um, honestly? No. I can’t feel anything with my gloves on,” he admitted quietly.

“Oh. Well take them off.”

She reached under her coat and peeled the gloves off and then placed his hands firmly onto her breasts. He just sat there like he was a statue and was afraid to move at all. The truth was, he was beyond terrified and didn’t know what the hell to do next. So he just sat there holding them like they were two lumps of clay someone thrust in his hands.

“Do I squeeze them or something?” he asked making a pained expression.

“I don’t know. Don’t squeeze them hard. But you could do something at least. I feel like an idiot sitting here,” she admitted with a giggle.

“Okay, let me try this,” he said gently giving them a squeeze until he realized that was a little more exciting than just grabbing them for dear life.

He moved his hands over them and felt some extreme excitement building inside him as he’d never once touched anything like this. Only in his fevered daydreams. And he never dreamed he’d be touching Lily. He always assumed if he did get a girl, she’d be a troll or something. So this was an incredible pleasure. And it showed on his face, which made Lily feel embarrassed and finally yank his hands away.

“Okay enough. That was just weird,” she giggled hiding her face from him.

“Weird? It was brilliant. You’re really cold though. I could tell,” he said, remembering the feel of her stiff nipples through her top. He’d never in a million years forget that sensation.

“You could tell I was cold? Oh God, you felt nipple didn’t you?” she turned beet red.

“What did you expect?”

“I don’t know. Not that. Oh God, I’m so lame.”

“You didn’t like that then? I mean, it wasn’t exciting for you like it was for me?” he wondered.

“I don’t know. It felt kind of nice, but I kept remembering it was you and I don’t know. It seemed like some kind of doctors visit,” she admitted.

“Doctor’s visit? Thanks a lot. Was I that bad at touching them?” he asked feeling slighted.

“No! It’s just, it was you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. You’re my friend. It didn’t really seem sexy,” she confessed.

“Thanks a lot.”

“Don’t be cross.”

“I could do it better. You know it’d be better if we were kissing and I wasn’t just sitting here with boobs in my hands. Of course it felt clinical. Most people are kissing when they do this,” he explained to her.

She had to admit he was right. Normally you would be kissing. But she wasn’t sure was ready to kiss him like that. If ever. She just shook her head.

“It’s okay. You did fine. And now you can say you’ve touched some tits at least. Right?” she said hopefully.

“What are you doing Lily? Trying to drive me insane? You kiss me, so I can say I’ve been kissed. Then you let me feel your breasts so I can say I’ve done that. But do you even want me doing these things? Am I just a little lost puppy you’re placating with a plate of meat so it doesn’t feel unloved and unwanted?” he asked seriously.

“I don’t know, Severus. I’m confused! As your friend, I do want you to experience things you say you’ll never experience. But I don’t know if I feel…well, you know, sexy for you. I mostly think of you as my best childhood friend,” she explained.

“That’s swell. Thanks. I’m trying here. Didn’t we have fun with the sledding around? Wasn’t last night really amazing?” he wondered.

“Yes. All of it was wonderful. But also something you do with a friend. I just can’t help thinking about James. He’d be so angry if he knew I was with you,” she admitted.

That got Severus’s juices pumping. He stood up and yanked his gloves back on.

“James? You’re thinking of James and what he would think? Ugh. Just forget this entire thing,” he said, grabbing his bin lid and storming off.

She quickly grabbed up her own gloves and her bin lid and raced after him.

“Stop! Don’t run off! I’m sorry!” she called after him.

He whirled around to face her.

“I’m trying really hard here, but if you’re just thinking of that swine, then it’s all for naught. You’re not really giving me a chance. If you want him so bad, then go run off and find him,” he said heatedly, turning on his heel again and walking away.

“I can’t go find him. He’s at his folks house. And I don’t know where that even is! Plus, I want to be here with you. I do. I promised I’d spend my time with you, and I am. It’s just difficult for me to see you as anything other than the boy I’ve been avoiding for over a year. Give me time,” she pleaded with him.

He looked at her and couldn’t help but understand that this was weird for her. She’d spent the better part of a year and half hating his guts. They were only just now remedying that. He was asking too much. Too soon. And perhaps too much entirely. Maybe she’d never think of him in the same light he thought of her? But he just didn’t want to believe that. He felt like his feelings were strong enough for the both of them. But he also realized that’s not how life worked.

“Fine. Alright. I won’t storm off. But please stop telling me you’re thinking of him. I don’t want to know that,” he told her with a sigh.

“I won’t mention him. I swear. And it’s none of his business what I do on my holiday anyway. I know that. For all I know, he’s with another girl,” she reasoned.

“He very well could be. You don’t know. You’re maybe just a passing fancy to him. I love you. I don’t think he knows what love is yet,” Severus told her.

“I don’t know. He’s certainly never said he loved me. Just that he wanted to be with me. But he’s also so arrogant. Like he thinks I can’t resist him. But I have resisted him!” she said, starting to get worked up over the idea of James being with another girl over break.

“He is arrogant. And pompous. And a prat. If you don’t love me, I’ll understand. But for everything that’s holy in this world, don’t go with him. I beg of you. Not him,” he pleaded with a look of disgust on his face.

She just stayed silent, unsure if she could keep that promise. But she decided to change the subject.

“I’m hungry. Can we eat? We can go to my place again. It’s still empty,” she offered.

“Alright.”

They both nodded and headed off together in the direction of her house. Once there, they left the bin lids outside and went in to warm up. Severus started another fire for them and the fort was still intact from the night before. They took off their coats and nestled into it with sandwiches she’d made and more root beer. They were silent for a long time, until Lily finally spoke.

“So it was really exciting then touching me, was it?” she asked with a faint blush.

His face turned red and he nodded slightly.

“Yeah, it was pretty exciting honestly. But that’s just me.”

“It was kind of exciting for me, truthfully. Just embarrassing. But I can see the appeal. You know, why someone would like it,” she admitted, taking a bite of her sandwich.

“Have you ever wanted to touch a man?” he wondered barely audibly, as he was so embarrassed to ask her.

“You mean down there?” she asked with a giggle.

“Obviously.”

“Sure. But I’m way too scared. I don’t know what to do. And I’m totally not touching you to find out, so forget it,” she added shoving him playfully.

“I wasn’t suggesting that! Just wondering if you were curious. I don’t know if it’s just boys who think of sex all the time or if girls do too,” he told her.

“Oh we think of it. We’re not immune. It’s just something you usually keep private. Boys like to brag or tell stories. Girls are usually more subtle. I say usually because I’ve heard some colorful things being said at school by some of my house mates,” she added with a laugh.

“Like what?” he wondered with insane curiosity.

“Oh, some of the girls are a bit loose you know? Not like me. I’m a downright prude to them. But Miranda Fielder and Justin Taylor have actually had sex. At school! In an empty classroom! Can you believe it?” she asked shaking her head.

“Wow. Really? And they didn’t get caught?”

“No. It’s amazing really. But she talks about sex like it’s the weather. I blush so easily around her. Sometimes I wish I were that bold, but I’m not. It doesn’t mean I don’t have some colorful thoughts though,” she admitted.

“It’s good to know you’re human at least. And that you know I am too. It kills me that you honestly thought I sat around all day fantasizing about dark arts and potions instead of what other boys fantasize of. Did you really think me that pathetic?”

“Not pathetic, just maybe more refined than most. You certainly don’t act on any of your wayward thoughts. Whatever they may be. And you always look like someone killed your puppy. How would I know you were dreaming about tits and snogging girls?” she giggled.

“I do not always look like someone killed my puppy. I don’t even have a puppy!” he protested.

“But that’s how you look. It’s no wonder no girls notice you because you always have a sad look or a scowl or a pissed off expression. You look downright unapproachable all the time. Don’t you realize that?”

He thought about it and then he sighed and leaned back into the pillows.

“It’s a defense mechanism. If I walked around with a big smile people would just think I was a moron and make fun of me more. If I look morose and upset, they leave me alone.”

“Yeah, everyone leaves you alone. Including girls.”

“True. It’s a flaw in the design plan.”

“You look nice when you smile, Severus. Very handsome, honestly,” she told him truthfully.

“I do? Handsome? Now I know you’re laying it on thick,” he laughed slightly.

“No, I mean it. You do. You have lovely eyes and when you smile genuinely, they light up. It’s like magic. And you become a hundred percent more attractive.”

“Your eyes are lovely too. And they do the same thing. It’s been so long since your eyes have shined in my presence. I like it a lot.”

“Well you’ve given me no reason to not smile lately. I like it too.”

He finished his sandwich and brushed the crumbs off his shirt. Then he just laid there and waited for her to finish her sandwich. When she did, she laid down next to him and shared the same pillow.

“Do you really think this little experiment will make me fall for you?” she asked curiously.

“Honestly? I don’t know. But I wanted the chance,” he explained.

“Why do you love me so much? Especially after I hadn’t spoken to you in so long,” she asked.

“Oh boy. That’s a hard question. I don’t know. I’ve always loved you. Since the moment I first saw you. They say kids don’t know of love, but that’s rubbish. I loved you. You were the first person like me I ever knew. I didn’t feel like such an outcast. And you were always so nice. Always welcoming. Always laughing, making me laugh. And the little spells we’d do to try and impress each other? I loved being able to do magic with someone. I guess those feelings just never went away. You were still the only person who was ever really nice to me. And you’re still beautiful and kind and lovely in every way. Why wouldn’t I love you?”

“That’s very sweet, you realize. I don’t think anyone’s ever said so many nice things about me,” she smiled over at him.

“It’s all the truth.”

She just stared into his dark eyes and for a second she did remember what it was like to love him. To dream of marrying him. To think of nothing but him and the time they’d spend together. She got caught up in it and leaned over and kissed him again. But this time, the kiss was a bit more enthusiastic. And he was startled at first, but then he put his arms around her and pulled her closer to him, and they just lay there together kissing under the blankets with the fire roaring. She finally pulled back and looked at him breathlessly.

“That felt kind of good,” she smiled softly.

“It felt amazing,” he smiled back.

Then he just pulled her closer and held her tightly and they lay there together lost in their own thoughts. She was wondering if his plan was working, and so was he. But she still had the jarring thoughts about James intruding in her mind. She felt guilty when she’d forget him, but then she realized that was silly because they weren’t even going out. Not yet. Maybe not ever. She hadn’t decided. Severus was just wondering if this was all a dream he’d wake up from and none of it would be real. He was scared of that prospect. But he didn’t want to ruin the moment by concentrating on it that hard. He just wanted to relish her in his arms.

“Do you remember what you told me that one day by the pond when we were lying together holding hands and watching the dragonflies?” he asked her quietly.

“Yes.”

“Say it again.”

She giggled a little and played with his hand that was resting on hers. Then she sighed and repeated her words.

“I love you, Severus. Will you marry me someday?”

“Yes, I will. And I love you too. And one day we’ll be rich and live in a mansion. I’ll be a super spy and we’ll have cars like James Bond and you can be my girl,” he said, repeating his own words from childhood.

She couldn’t help laughing over the silliness of it all.

“You’re really going to be a super spy huh?” she asked.

“The best spy there is. You don’t think I’d make a good spy?” he wondered.

“No, I bet you would. It’s all just so childish now though. You do realize that,” she told him.

“I still like hearing it.”

“What does a spy’s girl do anyway?”

“Whatever she wants to do.”

“Can I have children? Would we have many children?” she asked curiously.

“Of course. As many as you want,” he told her.

“I’m liking this plan. I want lots of babies. Although as a spy, I’d never be able to tell people what you really did,” she pointed out.

“Eh, I’d be a teacher as a front. It’s perfect. No one would ever suspect me,” he explained.

“I like it. Severus saving the world, but only in secret and never taking credit. Kind of like a superhero.”

He laughed at that.

“I wouldn’t go that far, but yes, I’d save the world without anyone ever knowing. That’s what spies do.”

They laid there again for a time just playing with each other’s fingers and basking in the warmth of their bodies crushed together in embrace. Lily was actually trying to picture this life with Severus, even if the spy part was farfetched. But the rest of it. The babies, the mansion, the cars, the love. Maybe it was there? She wasn’t sure. But he was slowly making a believer out of her.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus spend the night together. But will anything happen?

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

They had laid in front of the fire together until it got dark outside, and then Severus knew he had to get home. But he didn’t want to. There was still so much time left for him and Lily to spend together, he didn’t want to waste a moment of it. But his mum was expecting him for supper. He just hated to leave her alone in that house without any real meal to eat.

“You could come with me?” he offered as he stood up from the blanket fort.

“No, I don’t fancy seeing your mum. Especially uninvited. Maybe you could come back later?” she asked hopefully.

“Yeah, I could. I could sneak out and come over and stay the whole night. My mum would never know. She never checks on me,” he told her with a smile.

“The whole night? You’d really risk that?” she wondered.

“For you, I would. And you said your family wasn’t coming in until 10am so I’ll be gone long before that. I hate to think of you spending the night alone again in this cold dreary house.”

“If you spent the night, it’d just be a sleep over as friends. No funny business,” she reminded him.

“I know that. I wasn’t even thinking that. Trust me. I’ll sneak out after supper and we’ll have the entire night to talk and have fun.”

“Alright. But only if you’re sure.”

“I’m very sure. Now I best get going so she’s not cross with me.”

He leaned down and kissed her cheek and then he smiled again and exited the house as she watched after him. She wasn’t sure what she was doing exactly, but the prospect of sleeping with another person sounded lovely on a cold evening like this. And she trusted him. They’d been laying under the blankets for hours and they’d only kissed the one time. He never tried to make any moves on her or touch her breasts again, even though she may have let him. He was a perfect gentleman. And that thought made her smile widely, because there weren’t a lot of gentlemen out there these days. She wouldn’t consider James a gentleman. Though he’d never touched her or done anything crude to her, but he did make comments sometimes that she felt were a little over the top. Alluding to her body and the way she moved and it made her wonder if he’d be completely grabby and expect a lot from her if they did go out. She wasn’t really sure. James seemed so much more worldly and Severus was just a shy gentle boy. They couldn’t be more different. She just had to decide in her mind which one of them actually lit her fire. Right now, Severus was warming her heart, that’s for sure.

Severus trudged home to his place with the two bin lids he’d stolen and he replaced them as quickly as he could before anyone saw him pass by. He could be sneaky when necessary. But a stray cat almost ruined his stealth by hissing at him and almost knocking over one of the rubbish bins. But he quickly ran away and went into his dreary old house. His mum was waiting rather impatiently for him.

“Severus Snape, where have you been all day?” she said tapping her foot.

“I was out with a friend, Mum. We were playing in the snow,” he explained.

“Playing in the snow? Shouldn’t you be studying or something?” she asked with a sigh.

“No, it’s the holiday. We don’t have anything to study for,” he told her.

“But that’s what you usually do. You never go out with friends. Who is this friend anyway? Do I know him?” she wondered as she sat at the table where a small meal was presented.

He took off his coat and joined her.

“It’s not a him, Mother. It’s a her. Remember my friend Lily?” he said tentatively.

“Lily? That ginger girl? The one with Muggles for parents and that horrid older sister?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes, her.”

“Oh well, why didn’t you say it was a girl? All day long I kept imagining you plotting and scheming terrible things with some roughneck you met in school. I had no idea you were still friends with her,” his mum said, digging into her food.

“We haven’t been friends for a while, but we are now.”

“Hmm. You fancy her?”

“Mum!”

“What? Do you?”

“Maybe?”

“I wished you’d meet a pureblood. Or at least a half blood like yourself. I married a Muggle and it was dreadful. Muggles are dreadful people usually,” she sighed.

“Lily isn’t a Muggle though. She’s a witch. Just like you.”

“Not just like me. My parents weren’t Muggles. You know what she is,” she said haughtily.

“Don’t say the word, Mum. I don’t like hearing it.” He knew the word Mudblood was on her lips and he wanted to stop it.

“Fine. I won’t say it. But you know it. But perhaps it’s at least time for you to go out with girls. I was beginning to think you never would. You’re almost seventeen and I’ve heard not one peep about a girl ever.”

“That’s because there’ve been no girls. Can we just eat please? I don’t want to talk about this. I do actually have some reading to catch up on, so I want to finish supper quickly,” he told her, trying to change the subject.

“Alright. You’re just going to eat and lock yourself in your room all night?” she asked.

“It’s what I usually do. Remember? Besides it’s not like you wish to chat with me after supper. You have your knitting and such.”

“Yes, I do. I suppose it’s fine for you to read after supper. You know I fall asleep early,” she chuckled slightly as she gulped some wine with her meal.

“Mum do you need a refill on your wine? Is it in the kitchen?” he asked politely.

“Well yes, it is. I could be topped off.”

He got up and went to the kitchen and found the wine bottle on the counter. He opened the cork and quickly chugged some and then he stuck the cork back in. Then he noticed several more bottles stacked in the corner on the counter. She wouldn’t miss one, would she? He was thinking to smuggle it to Lily’s house. It would be romantic. Drinking wine together, like grown-ups. He made a mental note of the stash, took one more swig, and then came back out to the table and poured it for his mum. He hoped he could get away with sneaking a bottle out. That would impress Lily for sure. At least he thought it would. He was going to try.

Once supper was over, he watched his mum retire to her arm chair and he grabbed his coat discreetly and slung it over his arm. He headed to the kitchen without her seeing and he grabbed a wine bottle and shoved it under his coat that was draped over his arm. He spirited himself up the stairs to his room before his mum even noticed him at all. Now he just had to wait a little bit for her to get sleepy. It would seem like forever, but eventually, he peeked down the stairs and saw her asleep in the chair. He took his coat and the wine, and quietly slipped out the door. She was none the wiser and just assumed he was in his room all evening. And he knew she’d never check on him. She never did. He made his way down the streets until he got to the better part of town where Lily lived. It was a bit scary out at night, and he wished he could use magic if need be, but he knew he wasn’t allowed. Except he still kept his wand with him at all times, just in case. If it was an emergency, they’d have to make an exception, wouldn’t they?

When he got to her house, he knocked on the door and she opened it up quickly with a smile.

“You actually made it,” she beamed at him.

“I told you I would. And I have this,” he said pulling out the bottle of wine from his coat.

“Oh my God! Wine? You stole that? Your mum is going to murder you,” she fretted.

“Nah, she won’t notice. She had five bottles. It’s all really cheap so it’s awful tasting. I tried some at supper. But I thought you’d enjoy it. You said you’d never had more than a sip.”

“Get in here,” she said, ushering him out of the cold and shutting the door. “Of course I want to try it. I’ve never been drunk. How exciting is this?” she grinned wildly.

He walked in the room and noticed the blanket fort was gone now and he frowned slightly. He liked that thing. Juvenile as it was, but it was very cozy. She noticed him looking.

“I had to put the fort away so my mum didn’t get angry at me making a mess of the living room. But we can go in my room. I have records! We can listen to music and dance and drink this cheap lovely wine!”

“In your room?” he asked, feeling his heart start to beat faster. He’d never been in her room before. Not even as kids.

“Yeah, my room isn’t so bad. At least I have my own now. I used to share with Petunia but when she turned fifteen she demanded the sewing room be her room. I was relieved. Little brat only got what she wanted because I pleaded with my parents to cave into her demands. My room is way bigger. Sometimes I love being the favorite,” she laughed.

“Well lead the way to your room,” he smiled happily.

They walked up the stairs and she ushered him into her room and was glad she’d spent time picking it up as her trunk was lying there with all her things everywhere until she cleaned it up. Now it was presentable for company and her parents. And her owl was sitting in his cage by the window and her cat was asleep on the bed.

“I forgot you had a cat. What’s his name?” Severus asked her as he went to pet the furry little black animal.

“It’s a she. And her name is Shadow. She spends most of her time sleeping in my dorm so it’s no wonder you forgot I had her.”

“She seems to like me. Normally cats don’t like me,” he noted.

“She’s very mellow. She likes everyone. Even Sirius. And he’s, well, he’s a dog person, shall we say,” she said awkwardly.

“I do know he’s a dog. Or at least he can be. I’m not daft. I know all about everyone in that group. The werewolf? Nearly killed me once, if you recall,” he pointed out harshly.

“Yes, I recall. The entire stunt was horrid. You know I had nothing to do with it. And James saved you,” she reminded him.

“Don’t remind me. I’d rather forget the entire affair,” he said taking off his coat and putting the bottle of wine on a table. “So you wanna drink this? Do you have a corkscrew to open it with?”

“Oh yeah. Downstairs. I’ll be right back! You just get comfy and look through my records and see what you like.”

She rushed off and he went to peruse her record collection. She had quite a large one to his very small one. He rarely had extra money to spend on items like that. And his mother only listened to classical music and nothing from this decade. He didn’t know a lot of the popular artists. But she had the Bee-Gees and The Bay City Rollers. He’d at least heard of them. But he was no expert on music. So he just pulled out the Bee-Gee’s album and set it on the record player and placed the little needle onto it and waited for it to play. She walked back in the room with the corkscrew and got excited he’d picked her favorite album to play.

“Oh this is the best! Have you heard this one?” she asked curiously, handing him the corkscrew.

“No, I don’t really know it. Except I know they’re popular. Though I must say this bloke sings like his bollocks are in a vise,” Severus laughed.

She giggled and shook her head.

“He does have a high pitched tone. But it’s still good!”

Severus just opened the wine and took a swig then handed her the bottle. She took a swig too and made a face then handed it back.

“It’s kind of yucky,” she admitted.

“I told you it was cheap. But it’ll still get you tipsy.”

They sat down cross legged on her bed and just passed the bottle back and forth while she sang along with the music and he just watched her with a grin on his face. Then a particularly peppy song came on and she grabbed his hand.

“Oh put the bottle down and dance with me! This is the best song ever!” she exclaimed.

“Lily, I don’t dance,” he protested.

“Oh come on. Try at least! I’ll show you what to do,” she pleaded with him.

He put the bottle down on the nightstand and she grabbed him up to dance. The song was Stayin’ Alive and she had the little finger pointing gesture down and all the dance moves. Severus just swayed a little and watched her and tried not to laugh too hard. But she grabbed his arms and made him do the dance steps with her, which he both detested and loved at the same time. He loved her trying to make him have fun and loosen up, but he felt like a moron. She even grabbed his hips and tried to make him gyrate appropriately and all he could do is laugh. He’d never laughed this much in his whole life. And part of it was the drink he’d had, and the other part was just being with her. She made him feel like a normal bloke who did normal things, and not just some weird magical social outcast. She made him feel alive. Just like the song was talking about. Soon he was even singing along the chorus which was about the only words he could discern. When the song was over, the next song was a slow number and he grabbed Lily up and pulled her to him.

“Keep dancing with me,” he urged her.

“Alright,” she smiled up at him.

He held her close and they swayed to the music and the song was asking “How Deep Is Your Love” and he knew how deep his love ran. He just wondered how deep hers ran. Or if there was love there at all. But they danced and danced and she closed her eyes against his chest and enjoyed the way it felt to be held by him. He was warm and his arms felt strong around her. He wasn’t a big man and was rather skinny, but he was still stronger than her. And she had a feeling he was holding her so tightly because he never wanted to let her go. And that thought made her warm inside. But it could be the drink she’d had too. She was slightly tipsy too and not thinking one hundred percent clearly.

Once the song was over, they sat back down on the bed and grabbed the wine bottle again. They drank wordlessly for a bit as the music played and then Lily broke the silence.

“So, have you ever danced with a girl before tonight?” she wondered idly.

“Why? Was it that apparent I had no idea what I was doing?” he said with a sly grin.

“No, you did fine. I was just wondering.”

“Lily, I’ve told you that I’ve never been with any other girls. Ever. In any capacity. They certainly aren’t lining up to speak to me, much less dance down the halls of Hogwarts. You’re my first for everything.”

“Right. That’s so weird sometimes to think. That I’m someone’s first for everything. But I kind of like it. It’s like I’m showing you the ropes of life,” she said with a small smile.

“Well I’m showing you some things too. Like how to drink,” he said, holding the nearly empty bottle up.

“Yes, you are. And I think I’m getting a bit drunk,” she giggled.

“Me too. But it’s nice. I like this feeling. It’s like the whole world just melts away and it’s just you and me.”

He took her hand and held it and then he pulled it up and kissed it. She let him and she didn’t let go either. She was feeling much the same as he was at this moment. Happy and content. She leaned over and kissed him again, and this time he was much more confident and had no problem kissing her as deeply as he wanted without fear she’d smack him and throw him out. But after a few minutes, it was she who pulled away yet again. She always did. If it were up to him, they’d never stop. But she smiled and stood up and changed the record to something else, without saying a word. Then she sat back down across from him and grabbed the bottle and finished it off. Then she leaned over and put it on the night table.

“So now that we’re good and snockered, what should we talk about?” she asked curiously, hiccupping slightly.

“I don’t know. We could talk about whether or not this little plan of mine is working,” he tossed out nervously.

“I’m not sure. Next question,” she said unsure how to answer as her own feelings were very jumbled up in her head.

“Alright. Do you like kissing me?” he wondered.

She blushed slightly and nodded.

“Yes. You’re quite good at it. Especially for someone who’s never done it before.”

“That’s good to know. Because I love kissing you. It’s the best thing in the world.”

“It’s just kissing,” she shrugged dismissively.

“Well I like it,” he smiled. “You ask me something?”

“Okay. Um, so if this experiment does work, what will happen? None of our friends will like us together,” she pointed out.

“True. Mine will think I’m mad. And yours, well yours will just try and hex me probably. But the way I see it, it’s nobody’s business,” he explained.

“But what will we do? Just not have friends?” she worried.

“I don’t need friends if I have you,” he admitted, taking her hand again.

“But I want friends too. I want it all,” she admitted.

“Well then perhaps you should have picked more open minded friends?”

“Same could be said for you.”

“I know. That’s why I said I’d give them up. In the end, you’re all I really care about,” he said sincerely.

“I’m not sure I feel the same. I mean, I don’t want to be shunned entirely. And I know James will be so disappointed. He still thinks we have a shot,” she sighed.

“Do you? Still have a shot with him? Do you want one?” he asked, slightly bitter, as she promised not to talk about James anymore.

“I don’t know.”

“Well I hope by the end of the holidays you will know. And you’ll pick me. And whatever happens with your friends and mine, happens. We’ll deal with it. I’m not afraid. But you are,” he said somewhat harshly.

“I don’t want to be an outcast. I don’t want to be friendless. You hate them, but I’ve grown quite fond of Remus and Sirius and sometimes Peter. And James, well, you know how he feels and he makes it known quite often how he feels. How can I just not have them in my life?”

“At some point you’ll have to choose, that’s all. And if they’re really these great people you say they are, they’ll want you to be happy. My friends? They could care less if I’m happy or not. But I know that going in. But you? If they’re really so wonderful, they’ll grow to accept us. They’ll have to,” he explained.

“I guess. I need to use to the loo,” she said, letting go of his hand and getting up off the bed and walking out quickly to get away from the conversation.

He just sat there and realized this was going to be a bigger obstacle than he ever imagined. She wasn’t willing to go public with her feelings for him, whatever they were. But she was perfectly content to hold his hand and snog him and dance with him in private. Where no one else could see. He felt slighted and hurt by that. She was embarrassed of him. That’s what it was. And he thought she hung the moon. He’d be delighted to announce to the world they were together, despite his snobby friends reactions, but she didn’t feel the same. And just then the song on the record changed and started playing a maudlin tune that fit his mood. It was You Are My Sunshine. He listened to the words and they cut right through his heart. Especially when it got to the part that said, “I’ll always love you, and make you happy, if you will only say the same. But if you leave me, to love another, you’ll regret it all someday…”

Lily had walked into the doorway and caught Severus quietly singing along under his breath and wiping a tear out of his eye. She heard the words and knew the song well and she didn’t want him to know she caught him in a weak moment. She cleared her throat loudly to announce her presence and he wiped his eyes furiously and stood up to face her.

“I got something in my eye,” he told her, trying to play it cool.

“Yeah, it’s a little dusty in here. Sorry about that,” she played along. “Listen, let’s not talk about what comes next okay? Let’s just concentrate on now. And right now, I want to dance some more. But not to this. Something better. Let me find the perfect record.”

Severus prayed she didn’t notice him crying over a stupid song, but he wasn’t sure how long she was standing there. But either way, she wasn’t making a thing of it, so he wasn’t going to make a thing of it. He would just listen to her silly songs and dance like a fool. Anything to make her happy. And he’d have to hope that even if in the end of it all she didn’t choose him, he’d always have these memories to keep with him. And they were good memories. He got up and let her make him dance and since he had some drink in him, he was able to enjoy it more than he normally would. Especially since she was really into it. And at the end of it all, they both collapsed on the bed in a fit of laughter and she said she was too tired and getting sleepy to keep going.

“We should go to sleep, I think. I’m groggy. That wine and all that dancing is really hitting me,” she yawned.

“Do you want me to sleep on the floor?” he asked curiously.

“Don’t be silly. We shared the fort together. I think we can share a bed. I trust you,” she told him.

“Alright, if you’re sure.”

“Positive.”

She grabbed her nightgown and went to the bathroom to change, and he just took off his shoes and socks and his light jacket and draped it over a chair. He could sleep in his clothes. He wasn’t about to get undressed and have her freak out. So when she came back in, he was just sitting there with his shirt unbuttoned slightly and she noticed his socks had holes in them. She giggled a little and went to her drawer and pulled out a pair of warm wool socks and threw them at him.

“Here. You need new socks, Severus,” she told him.

“I know. I’m hoping to get some for Christmas. But thanks,” he said, pulling his off and pulling hers on. They were rather large and didn’t seem like they belonged to her. “Who’s socks are these anyway?”

“They’re my dad’s. I stole them. They’re so warm! But you can have them. Are you ready to get in bed?”

“Yes,” he nodded.

She pulled back the covers and they both climbed in under the down duvet and he had to admit her bed was so much nicer than his lumpy old mattress and tattered blankets. She switched off the light and they both snuggled down together facing each other. She grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers.

“You know, I wouldn’t trust any other boy to share my bed. Just you,” she whispered.

“Really?”

“Yes. You’re such a gentleman. And I know you’d never try anything with me.”

“Right, because I’m so sexless. Like a eunuch to you right?” he sighed.

“No! Not that. Just I know you’d never try to force me to do something I didn’t want. You’re too sweet and too gentle. That’s why I trust you. You’ve already proven you’re no eunuch to me,” she laughed slightly.

“Good, because I’m not. And I am not thinking entirely pure thoughts right now. But you’re right. I’d never act on them. It’s just your nightgown is lacy at the top. It’s lovely. And it’s a nightgown. My brain is mushy now,” he admitted.

“You can see it in the dark?”

“No, but I saw it when you came into the room. And I can sort of see the lacey bits now.”

“It’s flannel though. Hardly sexy. It’s not a negligee or anything,” she reasoned.

“So? It’s still a nightgown. And we’re snuggling in your bed. Can I kiss you again?” he asked hurriedly.

“Yes, okay.”

He leaned over and kissed her hungrily, this time he had a lot harder of a time keeping himself in check and was not acting as much of a gentleman as she seemed to think he was. But he still kept his hands in appropriate places. But he really wanted to just climb on top of her and rip the nightgown off. The wine was fueling his desires even more than normal. But he would never do it. Especially since she trusted him so much. She finally pushed him back breathlessly and just tried to look into his eyes in the dark.

“That was some kissing. My goodness. I can’t breathe,” she told him.

“Sorry. I got a bit carried away.”

“It’s alright. But will you just hold me? That’s what I want you to do,” she whispered.

“Alright.”

She rolled over and curled up next to him and grabbed his arms and pulled them over her.

“Spoon me. You know, you’re the big spoon and I’m the little one,” she explained.

He scooted over closer to her and did what she asked him. But he couldn’t help that his excitement at kissing her in the bed was apparent against her bum. He prayed she wouldn’t say anything about the hardness pressing into her. But she did notice. And she blushed in the dark and tried not to giggle like a little girl. But she’d never felt an erection before. Not with her hands or one pressed against her. But she knew that wasn’t his wand she was feeling as he’d put that on the nightstand. But she just pretended she didn’t notice it and just how much heat was emanating from his nether regions. She just wanted to enjoy the cuddling.

“I hope you have sweet dreams,” she whispered to him softly.

“I will. Don’t you worry. I hope you have sweet dreams too,” he whispered back.

“Thanks for dancing with me and bringing the wine. It was fun.”

“You’re welcome. I had fun too. A lot of it.”

“Severus?”

“Yes?”

“Were you crying over that one song? When I walked in, were you sad?” she decided to be bold and ask him, even if it embarrassed him.

“I told you I had something in my eye,” he protested, squirming uncomfortably at her question.

“You can tell me. You know everything we say to each other is secret,” she assured him.

“I know. But I don’t know why you’d think I’d cry over a dumb song,” he scoffed.

“Because of the words. You worry I’m going to love another.”

He was quiet for a bit and then he just pulled her tighter against him.

“I am afraid you’ll love another. And then you’ll take my sunshine away. Feel free to laugh at me, but yes, the song got to me. I don’t want to lose you again,” he whispered softly.

“Oh Severus. Don’t think of it. You won’t lose me. No matter how it turns out. I’ll always be your friend.”

“My friend. Yeah. You know I want so much more than that. And I’d be good to you. Like I always promised I would. I don’t even know why there’s a question in your mind.”

“There’s not. Not a question of how you’d treat me. Just a question of how I feel. And right now, I can’t quite figure it out. But I do know I like being with you like this. I like your arms around me. And I want to sleep in your arms. And wake in your arms. Isn’t that good enough for now?”

He thought about it for a moment then he kissed her cheek.

“Yes, it’s enough. Now get some sleep, my drunk angel. I’m a terrible influence on you.”

“Yes, you are. Goodnight my prince. I’ll see you very early. You have to leave by 7am because my folks are coming in around 10am.”

“Don’t worry, I need to be gone before that even so my mum doesn’t miss me.”

“I set the alarm for 6:30am.”

“Okay. Don’t worry, I won’t get you in trouble. Now rest.”

“Goodnight Severus.”

“Goodnight Lily.”

Then they both just laid there in each other’s arms trying to figure out what was happening between them. He was clear headed as to what he wanted, but she still wasn’t. And maybe she never would be. But he knew right now at this very moment, he had a piece of her heart. And it was a piece he thought he’d lost forever. He would still rather live with the piece than with nothing at all. And she felt the same way. She wanted him in her life, she just didn’t know in what capacity. Her brain was whirling with mixed emotions and too much wine. She couldn’t bear to think of it any longer and soon drifted off to sleep. He just lay there and listen to her breathing heavily and he pulled her tighter against him before he fell asleep too.

The next thing either of them knew, it was morning. And it wasn’t 6:30am, it was after 9am. And the stupid alarm had not gone off. Lily forgot to actually turn it on after she set it. But the both shot bolt upright when they heard commotion from downstairs.

“Oh shit! Oh no! Oh my God! My parents are home!”

“Oh fuck me. I’m a dead man. If your old man doesn’t kill me, my mum will. Oh shit! Why didn’t the damn alarm sound?” he asked frantically throwing the covers off and jumping out of the bed.

“I forgot to turn it on! I was drunk and tired! Oh God. Get out of here! Quick!”

“How? Jump out the bloody window?”

“Oh what are we going to do?”

They both just looked at each other and didn’t know what to do next. He could apparate, but not legally yet. He’d get in trouble. And he’d kill himself if he jumped out the second story window. And there was no way he could slip past her entire family in the living room. They were both dead. Their little plan went up in smoke. And they just stared at each other like two deer caught in the headlights.

“We’re both fucked,” Lily lamented.

And Severus had to agree.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus deal with the fallout from their night together and make plans to spend Christmas with each other, while Lily still struggles with her feelings.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

Lily tried to think quick and decided she’d just rush down and greet her parents and somehow distract them enough that Severus could sneak out. She just wasn’t sure what to do to get them out of the main room. She couldn’t exactly call them up to her room. And she had no reason to get them in the backyard. The best she could do would be to get them all in the kitchen, but she had no idea how, except maybe offer to cook breakfast. She hurriedly pulled on her bathrobe and told Severus to hide in the closet.

“What happens if you can’t get rid of them?” he wondered as she shoved him in the closet and attempted to close the door.

“I don’t know. But when you hear me whistle, that means run like hell out the bloody door, got it?” she told him.

“Whistle? How will I hear a whistle in the closet?”

“Just listen real hard! God, just stay in there until you get the signal,” she said quickly shutting the door in his face.

Then she realized the wine bottle was still on the night table and she threw it under the bed quickly along with the corkscrew. Then she ran out of her bedroom and ran right into Petunia on the stairs.

“There you are. I was coming up to get you,” she said to her sister.

“Yes, here I am. I overslept. And you’re early,” Lily told her.

“Yes, Mum couldn’t handle Aunt Lisa any longer so we got up at the crack of dawn. I’m about ready to go back to bed,” she sighed.

“Are Mummy and Daddy downstairs?” she wondered.

“Yes, of course.”

“And you’re going in your room? And closing the door?”

“Yes. Why are you acting mental? More than usual anyway. I’m going to lie down.”

“Good! Great! You go lie in your room with the door closed and I’ll go downstairs!” she said very loudly, hoping Severus could hear her.

“Why are you shouting? You’re such a bloody freak of nature. Get out of my way,” Petunia said rolling her eyes at her sister and heading up the stairs to her room.

Lily didn’t have time for an insult back, as she was trying desperately to think of a way to get her parents in the kitchen. But when she got downstairs they were sitting on the couch.

“Mum! Dad! You’re home early!” she announced.

“Yes. And you slept in. I suppose it’s alright. It is a holiday. Did you fare alright alone for two nights?” her mum asked her, standing up to give her a kiss.

“Yeah, it was peachy. It was fine. Why don’t I cook you guys breakfast?” she offered.

“Oh no, we ate already. We’re just going to sit and build a fire and get warm,” her mum told her.

“A fire huh? Why don’t we all go out back and gather more wood?”

“Why? There’s still plenty sitting in here,” her dad pointed out.

“Right. Silly me. Oh Daddy, I saw a mouse in the kitchen last night. Will you and Mum check it out? I’m afraid of it,” she said on the fly.

“A mouse? Oh dreadful. Your father can help you. I don’t want to see a mouse,” her mum said.

“But we need your help. Please Mum? Come help me look for it in the pantry,” Lily pleaded.

“What has gotten into you? You’re acting so strangely. I think your father and you can find the mouse,” her mum said.

“Please just humor me? We’ll trap it and Daddy can grab it up. I can’t bear to think of it running amok in the kitchen. That’s why I’m acting so weird.”

“Oh alright. But I’m not touching any mouse,” her mum sighed and got up from the couch and her father followed her into the kitchen.

She sent them into the pantry and told them to look and then she whistled as loudly as she could. But she wasn’t very good at whistling. So she just screamed and pretended she saw the mouse.

“Ahhh! Whistle! Whistle!” she shouted hoping Severus heard her.

“Whistle? Is that a spell?” her mum asked. “You’re not supposed to be doing magic, young lady. Not here.”

“It’s not a spell. I just scream that when I get scared. You’re missing the mouse! He went under the fridge! Whistle! Whistle!” she shouted again.

Her parents looked at her like she’d lost her marbles entirely, but they went to the fridge and they peered underneath. Meanwhile Lily peered out the doorway to see Severus running down the stairs and towards the door. He stopped for a second and smiled at her, but then he booked it out the door and shut it softly.

“Lily, there’s no mouse here. And what are you looking at?” her father asked her, noting her standing in the doorway smiling.

“What? Oh. I swear I saw it. Maybe it ran somewhere else?”

“Well, I can’t be bothered right now. We had a long drive. I just want to sit by the fire. If you see it again, let me know,” her dad said, and her mother concurred.

She let out a deep breath and felt her heart pounding in her chest. She couldn’t believe she almost got caught with a boy in her room. She was almost a dead woman. And she had no idea how Severus was going to fare arriving back at his home with his mum awake. How would he sneak in? They never even had a chance to discuss that. He was on his own there. And she fretted that he’d get grounded and not be able to see her again the rest of the holiday, and then their entire experiment would be for naught. They’d never get to finish it and she’d always have questions in her mind. But right now she just had to focus on the fact that she wasn’t caught out. It was the one ray of hope she had. But she ran upstairs to get dressed and found Petunia standing outside her door.

“What were you screaming about earlier?” she asked her sister with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh I saw a mouse,” Lily lied.

“Really? So you weren’t signaling your boyfriend to run out of your room then?” Petunia challenged her.

“What?”

“That’s right. I saw that dreadful boy. Ugh. He was in your room! I heard you screaming and I opened my door and out he ran. I’m so telling Mummy and Daddy this. You’ll be grounded for the rest of your life!” Petunia shot at her.

“Please don’t tell! Nothing happened! He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my friend. We fell asleep last night talking. That’s it!” Lily pleaded with her unreasonable sister.

“Yeah right. I wasn’t born yesterday. You’ve been hanging around him for years. He only got more grungy and distasteful. Daddy would kill you. He’s not even a nice boy. He’s a freak show like you!”

“Shut up! He is not. And I’m not either. You’re just jealous. Who do you think our parents will believe? You or me? I’ll just tell them you’re making it up!”

“Give me all your Christmas money that you get and I’ll shut up. Otherwise, I’m telling!” Petunia said with her nose in the air.

“Fine. Stupid bint. I hate you,” Lily seethed at her sister.

“I hate you more.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

They both stomped to their rooms and slammed the doors. Lily should have realized her sister would get snoopy if she screamed. Damn her. But at least she wasn’t going to tell. But Lily could say goodbye to the new boots she was going to buy with her Christmas money.

Meanwhile Severus marched his ass home as quickly as he could and had no idea what to tell his mum at all. The best idea he had was that he’d gotten up very early to take a walk. It was weak, but she might not care enough to delve much deeper. After all, he never really did anything wrong before, so she couldn’t complain too much. But when he tried to slip in the door quietly and head up the stairs, his mum was waiting.

“Where on the bloody green earth were you, Severus? I called you down to breakfast and you weren’t up there! Where were you?” she asked very crossly.

“I woke early and took a walk, Mum. That’s all. I swear! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you were asleep,” he explained.

“You walked for three hours? Were you with that girl?” she wondered.

“No. I was alone. Just thinking and stuff. I needed a brisk walk in the cold air. It won’t happen again,” he promised.

“You better not do that again. What if I needed something and you weren’t here? And I didn’t even know where you went! Leave a note next time. I was worried,” she admitted with a scowl.

“I’m sorry, Mum.”

“I should smack you upside the head,” she glared at him.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“There’s still porridge in the pot, but it’s probably gone all lumpy. But help yourself. I’m going to lie down as fretting over you gave me heart palpitations.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know if I leave again. I promise.”

“You better.”

She walked up the stairs and he let out a deep breath, much like the one Lily had let out earlier with her folks. He got away with it. And she also hadn’t missed the wine. Yet anyway. He thought for sure she was going to bend him over her knee like when he was a boy. But thankfully she’d grown softer in her old age. And his father was no longer there to beat him senseless. He got lucky. He hoped that this wouldn’t deter her from letting him leave later. He wanted to see Lily again. He just didn’t know when it would be now that her family was back. But he went up to his room and laid down on the bed and just replayed the entire night in his head. It was the most amazing night of his life. And well worth the scare of almost getting caught.

The day went on and there was no word from her. Not that he was expecting it really because her family was home and undoubtedly wanted to spend time with her. But so did he and he wished he could just ring her on the telephone, but his mum got rid of the phone after his dad was gone. She’d always hated that thing. So Severus took out his small owl from its cage and wrote a quick note to give it. It read, “I almost got in huge trouble. I hope you fared okay. When can we meet again? Love, Severus.” He attached the note to the owl’s leg and let it loose. And he hoped he’d hear back quickly.

Lily was in her room when his owl arrived and came knocking on the window pane. She jumped off the bed and opened the window to let it in. She undid the note and read it with a smile. Then she grabbed her own parchment and scribbled a response.

“I just barely escaped trouble. Will explain later. We’re going to town in a few. But I could maybe meet you at our spot after supper time. But I can’t promise. Hope to see you. Love, Lily.”

She attached it back on the bird and let it fly off and then she just sat on her bed and sighed. It was going to be a lot harder to see him now that her parents were home. They’d never particularly liked him, as he was from a poorer part of town and they didn’t trust him. Plus she hadn’t done him any favors when the last time her mum asked about him, she said she hated him. But all of that had changed now. When Severus received her note in return he was deflated slightly that she made no promise of being able to see him. But he knew it wasn’t her fault exactly. But he thought it might be perfect to head into town and possibly run into her there. He wanted to go anyway to buy her a Christmas gift. He had very little money, but he had enough for what he wanted to get. He just hoped she liked it. He went to ask his mum if he could venture into town on his own. He emerged from his room and found her sitting by the fire reading a book.

“Mum?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes?” she looked up from her book.

“Can I go into town to buy something? I’ll pick you up whatever you need while I’m there,” he told her.

“Go into town? That’s a bit far to walk and it’s snowing outside,” she pointed out.

“I know, but I don’t mind. I really need to buy something,” he pleaded.

“What do you need to buy?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“A Christmas gift for Lily.”

“Lily? You’re buying her gifts? Do you even have money?” she said with slight disapproval.

“I’ve got enough from the odd jobs I did last summer,” he explained.

“Fine, alright. Will you be home for supper?”

“I don’t know. It might take a while. Don’t wait for me.”

“Well if you go into town, bring me a bottle of scotch. I’m nearly out. And I swore I had another bottle of wine as well, but I must have drank it,” she said laughing slightly.

“Mum, I’m not eighteen yet.”

“Just go to Handley’s on 5th street. They know me. They’ll give it to you. Let me get my purse,” she said, getting up from her chair.

She handed him the money she had and then sat back down.

“Don’t be too late. I’ll need that scotch for when I retire to the fire tonight. So don’t go thinking you’re staying out all night again,” she said giving him a look.

“Mum, I never stayed out all night. I was with you last night,” he feigned innocence.

“Yes, well, I did go to your room to ask you something, and you weren’t there. Can’t pull one over on me. Just be careful. That girl is trouble. You’ll get your heart broken again like the last time. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how crushed you were when you two had a falling out.”

He just looked at her and didn’t know what to say. She knew he’d gone all night and she wasn’t killing him? This wasn’t like her at all. But he supposed she was just happy he was doing normal things that teenagers did. And that there was a girl involved. She once lamented how he’d never marry if he never bothered to date. But he’d just ignored her.

“I swear I won’t stay out all night. It won’t happen again. I’ll get the things you asked for and be back by eight alright?” he told his mum.

“Fine, fine. Run along.”

He pocketed the extra money and then ran to pull on his coat and boots and his hat. He didn’t know exactly where Lily and her family were going, but he was determined to ‘accidentally’ run into them. It was his best hope of at least seeing her for a short time. It was better than nothing. And he was dying to hear what exactly happened when he left. Apparently his mum knew all along he was gone. No wonder she said she was having heart palpitations. He just couldn’t believe she didn’t smack him silly. She was going soft in her older age, that much was clear. But she still had little use for him, which worked to his advantage because she didn’t care if he left for town all day, as long as he was back before scotch time.

Lily and her family browsed the shops and did last minute Christmas shopping, while buying warm chestnuts and sipping hot cocoa. Lily was bored beyond belief, and Petunia kept giving her the evil eye and reminding her not to spend any money because the money was all hers. Except she’d never agreed to give her all her money. Just the Christmas money. And she reminded her of that out of her parents earshot.

“I have to buy someone a gift, Petunia. So just leave me alone,” she said as her sister got on her case.

“Who? That awful boy from your room?”

“Yes. And he’s not awful! Stop saying he is.”

“His hair always looks dirty and his clothes are too big. He looks like a common tramp,” she informed her.

“Shut up. I’m sick of hearing people talk bad about him. You can’t even get a boyfriend, so you might as well stuff a sock in it. You’ll die an old maid,” Lily seethed at her.

“For your information, I do have boyfriends. Lots of them!” Petunia told her.

“Yeah? And where are they? Not here. I didn’t see any gifts from them under the tree.”

“You’re impossible. You think you’re better than me with that greasy boy? Mummy and Daddy would never approve of him anyway.”

“What are you two arguing about now?” their mum asked, noticing they’d fallen back and were sniping at each other.

“Nothing,” they both said in unison.

Just then Lily spotted Severus walking across the street. Her eyes lit up and she wondered if he was there with his mum too. But he appeared alone. And when she called out his name, he turned quickly and rushed across the street towards her.

“Lily! I was looking for you. I was hoping I’d find you,” he told her happily.

“Lily who is this?” her mum asked curiously giving Severus a once over and not really liking what she saw.

“This is Severus. Remember him? We were friends as children,” Lily told her.

“Oh, yes. I remember now. You’ve grown a foot. I didn’t realize you two still spoke to one another,” her mum said giving Lily a look.

“We made up, Mum. We had a fight, but it’s alright now.”

“Yes, well. Lovely. What is that you’re holding in your hand boy?” her mum wondered, noticing the brown paper bag from Handley’s Liquor he had clutched under his arm.

“Oh this is for my mum. It’s not mine. I’m not old enough to drink yet.”

“Right. Lily? Petunia? We best catch up to your father at the watch repair shop now,” she said, wanting to get away from Severus. Or more importantly get her daughter away from him.

“Mum, can Severus have supper with us?” Lily asked hopefully.

“What? I don’t know. Your father might not like that. It was just supposed to be family,” her mum stammered.

“But it’s a long walk home for him, and I bet he could use something warm to eat. It is the season of goodwill. And tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We’ll have our big family supper then,” Lily told her.

“We’re just going to the coffee shop. I’m sure your friend has to return home with his package,” she said giving the booze another glance.

“No, I could eat. If I’m welcome. If not, that’s fine too. I’ll just eat whatever is left over at home,” he said, trying to sound a little pathetic, even if he wasn’t lying about eating some scraps because that’s usually all there was to eat after his mum was done.

“Well…alright. I suppose it’s fine to join us for supper. You are Lily’s friend. Shall we meet at Jensen’s in an hour?” she said, not wishing for him to tag along with them the entire time.

“Sure,” Severus said with a smile.

“Mum, I need to shop for something. Can I just meet you at Jensen’s too?” she asked.

“Lily, this is a family outing!”

“But I’m bored! And I need to get something. I’ll be there for supper. Promise.”

“Alright. Go! But do not be late. Not even a minute or neither of you are eating anything,” she said in a huff as she grabbed Petunia’s arm and ushered her away to the watch repair shop to find her father.

This left Severus and Lily alone. He waited until her family was out of sight and then he leaned over and hugged her tightly. He pulled back and smiled at her.

“So, you said you almost go into trouble. What happened? My mum knew the entire time I was gone. She’s losing it, I think, because I’m still alive,” he laughed slightly.

“She knew? Oh my God. My parents bought the entire thing, but Petunia saw you sneak out of my room. My screaming alerted her. Now I’m buying her silence with all my Christmas money,” Lily pouted.

“I hate that sister of yours. But she will keep quiet right?” he asked.

“Yes, I think so. Stupid bint. But anyway, we got lucky! We were so bad. And it was so much fun,” she smiled happily at him.

“It was fun. It was brilliant. I wanted to sort of bask in the glow of spending the night with you, but I wasn’t intending on leaping out of bed like that in a panicked state,” he chuckled.

“Maybe another time we could bask? Someday anyway? But God, that was scary. My parents think I’m crazy now for yelling out ‘whistle!’ when I get scared of a fake mouse I told them about,” she laughed heartily.

“I wondered what the hell you were doing, but I took it as a signal anyway,” he laughed right back.

“Hey listen, I really do have to buy something. And you can’t watch me buy it. It’s for you,” she told him.

“For me? You don’t have to buy me anything,” he assured her.

“But I want to. It’s not much. But I wanted to get you something.”

“I got you something. It’s very small and nothing remarkable. I was about ready to give up on finding you in town and just go home. But it’s hidden in my coat. So no peeking.”

“I wasn’t going to peek. Although I am highly curious what it is.”

“You’ll have to wait until Christmas. Do you think we could see each other then? Just for a short time?” he wondered.

“I’ll make sure of it. I’ll ask if you can come over for a bit. Later on. I’m sure they’ll say yes,” she assured him.

“I don’t think your mum wanted me for supper,” he pointed out.

“No, she didn’t. But I don’t care. I get my way most of the time. I’m spoiled like that,” she said with a grin.

“You are spoiled. Must be nice.”

“It is. Now meet me back here in twenty minutes alright? And then we’ll go to supper.”

“Alright. I’ll miss you,” he added giving her a smile.

She just leaned up and kissed his cheek and then hurriedly off to her destination. She was going to buy him some new socks and a hat. The hat he had was moth eaten and he’d already proven he needed socks. And what if his mum didn’t give them to him? She knew from past experiences that his Christmas’s were light on gifts. She thought to buy him something colorful as a hat, but she knew he’d never wear it. He was sort of a black only sort of bloke. It was part of his image. But she thought maybe he’d wear a green one, as it was Slytherin in nature. So she purchased it and a pack of black wool socks and rushed out of the shop to meet back up with him. She hoped her gifts weren’t stupid, and she was dying to know what he’d gotten her. But she’d just have to wait. But she was impatient. She found him sitting on a bench near the spot she left him, and she sat down next to him abruptly.

“Surprise! I’m back!” she said leaning into him.

“Finally. It felt like longer. It’s cold out here today. More than usual,” he noted.

“Big storm. The snow keeps falling. But I hear the worst is happening later this evening.”

“That’ll be fun to walk in,” he sighed, wishing he had a car right about now. Or that he could apparate without getting into trouble. He’d known how to do it for ages, but he had a pesky couple weeks to wait.

“Let’s head to the coffee shop. We’ll get warm in there,” she told him as she grabbed him up and made him walk with her.

They walked together silently until he finally got the courage to put his arm around her. He hoped she didn’t mind. They were in public so he was worried she’d shrug it off, but to his surprise she just leaned into him and allowed him to hold onto her. It was almost like they were a real couple, he thought to himself. He hoped they would be eventually. That was his entire plan. And so far, so good. They arrived at the coffee shop ahead of her family and just got a big table and ordered hot tea to warm up while they waited. Once her family showed, her father didn’t look pleased, but he pretended to be alright with the unwanted guest. He supposed he’d have to pay for his meal too, as the boy didn’t look like he could afford anything more than he’d already purchased. But Mr. Evans just put on his best happy face and told everyone to order whatever they liked. It was the Christmas season after all. This was his good deed for the year. Feeding a waif who had taken a shine to his daughter. He didn’t much like it, but he’d tolerate it for now.

They all ate their meal and Petunia kept giving dirty looks to Severus and Lily, but that wasn’t really anything new. She kept her mouth shut at least. And when they were finished, it was really snowing heavily outside. Lily couldn’t bear to have Severus walk home in this weather.

“Mum, dad, can we give Severus a ride home? It’s snowing madly out. He’ll freeze to death,” she pleaded with them.

“Oh alright. Where do you live, boy?” her father asked, feeling put out.

“Over off Hill Road. By the old molasses factory.”

“Oh. That’s an interesting part of town. But okay. I wouldn’t want my son walking home at night there, even not in the snow,” her dad said, shaking his head.

They all piled into the car and headed off. It was a slow journey, even if it wasn’t too incredibly far by car, but the snow was making it hard to see. They finally reached his home and her father stopped the car.

“Nice to see you again. Hope you enjoyed supper,” her dad said, waiting for him to get out.

“I did. It was lovely. And thank you so much for having me,” he said politely. Then he turned to Lily. “So I’ll see you on Christmas?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

He wanted to kiss her so badly, but he knew he couldn’t in front of her family. So he just squeezed her hand and then exited the car and ran up to his door, as the car took off and left him there.

In the car it was very quiet until her mother spoke up.

“You said you’d see him on Christmas? I don’t recall inviting him over,” she remarked.

“I invited him over. Just later on. Not for supper or anything. We have gifts to exchange,” she explained.

“I see,” her mum said, looking at her husband.

“Lily, is that boy your suitor or just a friend?” her father asked gruffly.

“He’s my friend.”

“Good, because I think you could do a lot better than him. Did you see where he lived? Next to that old factory? Terrible place.”

“Father I don’t care where a person lives. We’re not exactly rich ourselves,” she pointed out.

“At least you have decent clothes without holes in them. And honestly what sort of mother sends her sixteen year old out to buy her liquor?” her mum chimed in.

“You both are awful. All of you really. I happen to like Severus a lot. And if he were my boyfriend, then what of it?” Lily asked defiantly.

“I wouldn’t approve, that’s for damn sure. You need to meet a nice boy who has a little money. A future. Something going for him,” her father told her.

“Severus has a lot going for him! He’s one of the smartest boys in school. And just because he’s a wizard and not going to be a banker or something, doesn’t mean he’s not going places. He wants to be a teacher. He does have a future!”

“So then he is your boyfriend?” her mum surmised, given how adamantly Lily defended him.

“No, he’s not. But he might be someday. And I don’t care what you lot think of him,” she pouted, folding her arms and slouching down in her seat next to her sister.

“Told you they’d hate him,” Petunia whispered snidely.

“Piss off.”

“Lily just told me to piss off!” Petunia exclaimed to her parents.

“Watch your language! Can’t you two ever get along?” her father sighed.

“No because I hate her,” Lily said.

“I hate you more, freak,” Petunia shot back.

“Enough! Both of you won’t get a single present if you keep this up. I want silence!” their father barked.

And that he got. The rest of the way home no one spoke, and Lily just wondered if she’d encounter obstacles at every turn if she decided to be with Severus. Her family didn’t approve, her friends wouldn’t approve, and perhaps even Severus’s mum wouldn’t approve. It felt like no one wanted them together except Severus himself, and maybe her. She was still confused, but every time she thought she knew what she wanted, things like this would happen, making her question everything. It was all so confusing, she didn’t know what to do. She just wanted to follow her heart, wherever that led. And without James around, she had to admit the temptation to give him a chance was waning more and more every day. She just didn’t share the same relationship with him as she did with Severus. They had years to know each other, inside and out. And James was really just a stranger. Just a boy who kept after her, but who she didn’t really know all that well. But it still might be more complicated than picking between two boys. She might have to pick between her family and her friends and her future. It was a much bigger decision than she ever realized it might be. She just hoped she was strong enough to make the right choice.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus spend Christmas together, but things are complicated when James sends Lily a gift too.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

Christmas Eve came and went and Lily found herself missing Severus. They hadn’t had a chance to speak or see one another. And even if it had only been a day, she noticed the absence of him in her life. She wondered how she’d gone so long now without him at all. But things had changed so drastically. And he really was winning over her heart. Part of him had never lost it, even if she buried those feelings really deeply after their falling out. She hadn’t even thought of James at all on Christmas Eve. It was like he was a distant memory now. But when she woke on Christmas morning, she was awoken to the sound of an owl at her window. She thought perhaps it was Severus’s owl, but this one was much larger and she recognized it as James’s owl. She opened the window and let him come inside and he deposited a small box in her hands. She ripped open the paper and opened the box and found a card inside that read, “A lily for my Lily…Merry Christmas, James.” And underneath the card was a gold necklace with a diamond encrusted lily hanging from it. It must have cost a fortune. She just stood there with open mouthed shock at how pretty it was and how completely inappropriate it also was. She wasn’t his Lily. But he hoped to change that obviously. And giving her an expensive Christmas gift was his way of trying to woo her. And maybe it would work on some girls, but she just felt like he was showing off a bit. She knew he had a lot of money, but he didn’t have to flaunt it this way. But still, the necklace was gorgeous. She had to admit. And she took it out of the box and put it on. She stood in the mirror and admired it. But then she took it off again and thought of just sending it back to James. But the small part of her that fancied him, just couldn’t do it.

She grabbed a piece of parchment and scribbled out a thank you note to him. But she did remind him that she was not his Lily. But she said it was a lovely gift and apologized for not having one for him. Then she attached the note to the owl and sent it off again. Then she just sat and stared at the necklace in the box. She didn’t know what to do with it. And just then, Petunia came knocking on her door.

“It’s time to open presents! Get out of bed!” she shouted outside the door.

Lily opened the door up and still had the box in her hands.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” she told her sister.

“What’s that you have there?” Petunia got nosy about the box.

“It’s just a gift someone sent me. I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s too extravagant,” she shook her head.

“Let me see it!” Petunia snatched it out of her hands before Lily knew what hit her.

“A lily for my Lily…James? Who is James? And oh my God, this is gorgeous!” Petunia said, tossing the card away and pulling out the necklace.

“It’s too much. And James is just a boy at school. He’s not even my boyfriend!” she exclaimed.

“He seems to think he is. This must have cost at least three hundred pounds or more. Put it on!”

“I don’t think I want to,” Lily said nervously.

“Come on. Just put it on. Let me see it,” Petunia begged her.

“Why do you care?”

“Because this James bloke seems better than that other boy. I doubt he bought you a necklace.”

“There are more important things than necklaces. I don’t even know if I like James,” she sighed as she put the necklace back on to show her sister.

“Oh it’s stunning. You should wear it. It’s lovely,” Petunia said sincerely.

“I can’t. No. Mum and Dad will ask about it,” she said quickly, taking it off and putting it back in the box and shoving on her dresser along with the card.

“Suit yourself. But I’d wear it if I were you.”

“Let’s just go downstairs.”

“Alright. Remember, any money you get is mine,” Petunia reminded her.

“I know. God, you’re annoying.”

“Secrets are kept at a price. That’s how it works.”

“Fine, fine. Let’s just go downstairs.”

They went downstairs to greet their parents and open gifts, and it was a fairly lovely time. Even Petunia was being nice for the most part. But mostly because she knew all the Christmas money Lily had gathered was for her, although it wasn’t much. It was enough to keep her silent. Once the present exchange was over, everyone dispersed and their mum got to work on their early supper they always had, and their father retired to his armchair in front of the fire. The two girls took their loot up to their rooms and Petunia soon knocked on Lily’s door again.

“Hand it over,” she said smugly.

Lily just sighed and handed her sister the thirty pounds she’d garnered from her parents and other various family members.

“Here. You’re awful to take this from me. Sisters are supposed to keep secrets no matter what,” Lily informed her.

“But I don’t like you. Why should I keep your secrets?” Petunia posed to her.

“Why don’t you like me huh? What have I ever really done to you?” Lily wondered curiously.

Petunia shrugged.

“Mummy and Daddy always give you everything you want. They always have. And this whole witch thing just makes you weirder,” she explained.

“You’re just jealous. You wish you could go to Hogwarts too instead of Fitzgerald’s. It’s not my fault I was born this way,” Lily told her.

“Well I don’t approve. It seems dangerous and odd. And that boy in your room? Well I wouldn’t approve of that no matter what. You’re sixteen. I thought you were a better girl than that,” Petunia said haughtily.

“He was just in my room. We didn’t do anything. I am a good girl! But even if I wasn’t, I’m going to be seventeen next month. It’s not your business what I do or who I do it with,” Lily shot back.

“Be that as it may, I don’t think our parents would agree and I want the money.”

“Fine. Take it.”

“I will.”

“I just don’t get why you hate me so much.”

Petunia looked at her and sighed.

“I don’t hate you. You’re my sister. I just don’t get you. I haven’t ever.”

“Well I don’t get you either. So we’re even.”

“Merry Christmas.”

“You can shove that up your bum,” Lily said slamming the door in her sisters face and going to pout on the bed.

Then she remembered the necklace James got her and she stood up to look at it again. It was so pretty, but the more she thought on it, the more she wanted to give it back. Perhaps if the card hadn’t called her ‘his’ Lily she’d wear it, but if she wore this, it might imply she was his. And she wasn’t. So she decided she’d just send it back. Or wait until term started and hand it back. Either way, she wasn’t going to keep it, beautiful as it was. But she just laid it on her dresser and got herself ready for the day. She had asked her parents when Severus might be allowed over and they said after supper. So she decided to send him an owl and let him know. Thankfully it wasn’t snowing any longer, but it was thick out there. He’d have to trudge quite a ways, but she knew her father would never consent to picking him up. So she just sent the owl and hoped he’d be able to show up.

Severus had an even more uneventful Christmas than Lily. He’d received a home knitted jumper and five pounds and a box of cherry flavored chocolate from his mum. That was all he’d gotten. And they didn’t have relatives and such to send gifts. And he’d gotten his mum a box of chocolates as well. It was all he could afford. They weren’t even the good kind, but neither were the ones she’d gotten him. In fact he didn’t much like them at all, but he thanked her appropriately and then went to his room to wait until Lily contacted him. He hoped she would. She said he could come over, he just didn’t know when. But after sulking for a bit, her owl showed up. He couldn’t be more relieved when he read her note saying to come over around 5pm as they ate an early supper. His mum always had an early supper as well on Christmas and they’d be done by then. It was the one day of the year they actually ate halfway decent food together. She was making a ham. It was a rare treat. But he also knew they’d be eating ham for at least a week afterwards as well. But that was okay. He owled Lily back and told her he’d be there. And he just hoped his mum didn’t object.

When he went to ask her over supper she seemed a bit taken aback he was actually leaving on Christmas.

“You never leave me alone on Christmas,” she remarked.

“It’s only for a short time.”

“Alright. But do be back soon. I’d hate for you to be intruding on Lily’s family.”

He thought about that and wondered if he really was intruding on Lily’s family. Maybe they really didn’t want him there? But she wanted him there and that’s all that really mattered. He wondered and hoped they could be alone together to exchange gifts. His gift was rather sentimental and he didn’t wish to give it in front of her family. But he supposed he could. He just wasn’t sure what to expect from the situation. And Lily wasn’t sure either. So she’d asked her parents if it was okay to take him to her room when he got there.

“To your room? I think not,” her father said shaking his head.

“But Daddy, we want to exchange gifts in private. They’re personal!” she said knowing her silly gifts really weren’t that personal, but she did have a last minute addition that she’d dug up that was personal.

“If they leave the door open, I don’t see much harm,” her slightly tipsy mother chimed in.

“Right. We’ll leave it open. Please Daddy?” she pleaded.

“Oh fine. But I don’t much like this.”

Lily didn’t really care what he liked, she just wanted her freedom. And when Severus finally arrived, she wanted to hug him hello, but everyone was watching them. So she just smiled and let him in.

“Come in. Merry Christmas,” she told him happily.

“Merry Christmas, Lily. And Merry Christmas to everyone else as well,” he said politely, all eyes on him.

They greeted him kindly, but her father’s disapproval was apparent. But Lily and Severus both ignored that and she grabbed his hand and ushered him upstairs with her.

“We can go in my room, we just need to keep the door open,” she told him.

“Good. I was hoping not to have all eyes on me when I gave you this gift,” he remarked.

“Oh, what is it? Something scandalous?” she wondered with a raised eyebrow.

“No, hardly!”

“:Good because I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” she giggled.

“It’s more sentimental than anything. And it’s not much. I’m warning you that,” he said as they made their way to her room and she closed the door as much as she could without violating the rules.

“My gifts aren’t anything that special either, so don’t feel bad. But I hope you like them,” she said grabbed the packages from her chair and placing them on the bed as they both climbed on and sat cross legged.

“You open yours first,” she told him happily.

“Alright.”

He ripped off the wrapping paper and pulled out the bag of socks and the hat. He smiled at them.

“I didn’t get any socks, so thank you. And the hat…it’s so green,” he noted.

“Well it’s a Slytherin color. You could wear it for school. You hate it?”

“No I love it.” He pulled it on and showed it off. “How does it look?”

“It looks great! I thought you could use some color in your wardrobe. You always wear nothing but black,” she explained.

“Well it’s lovely. Thank you,” he smiled, and leaned over kissed her cheek.

“Here, there’s one more little tiny thing. It’s not really much. It’s just something I had that I wanted to give you,”

She handed over a small velvet pouch and he opened it up and dumped out the contents. Inside was a small rose quartz in the shape of a heart. He grinned wildly over it. She was giving him her heart.

“Lily, it’s perfect. It’s your heart,” he smiled, in awe of the sentiment.

“Well, you’ve managed to capture a bit of my heart, these last several days. Just like you said you would. And no matter what happens, you’ll always have a piece of my heart. So I wanted to give you this tangible piece of it,” she explained.

“It’s perfect. I love it. I’ll keep it in my pocket all the time. That way you’ll always be with me,” he grinned.

“I’m glad you don’t think it’s silly.”

“Not at all.”

“Can I open my gift now?” she wondered, feeling slightly silly for giving such a romantic gift to someone she was still unsure of. But she meant what she said when she told him he’d always have a piece of her heart.

He handed over his gift and it was apparent it was a record. But she had no idea which one. She ripped off the wrapping and unearthed the treasure.

“It’s one of my favorite songs. It’s a bit older, but I didn’t see any Elton John in your collection,” he remarked.

“I’ve heard this song. It’s lovely. Thank you,” she said with a smile.

“Play it. I want you to play it and just pretend I’m singing it. I would sing it, but I don’t know how to sing,” he chuckled slightly.

“Just sing along with the record,” she urged him.

“No!”

“Oh come on. Please?”

“Alright, fine. Put it on. I’ll sing softly as not to ruin it,” he conceded.

She got up and put it on her record player and they both just listened as the song started up. It was Your Song and he started singing along with it softly.

“It's a little bit funny this feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I don't have much money but boy if I did,

I'd buy a big house where we both could live. If I was a sculptor but then again no. Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show. Oh I know it's not much but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song, and this one's for you…”

She just smiled at him signing along and she knew he meant all the words. It was a perfect song, except he pointed out that he knew what color her eyes were, despite Elton forgetting that. But then he added, “yours are the sweetest eyes, I’ve ever seen. And you can tell everybody, this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it’s done. I hope you don’t mind, that I put down in words. How wonderful life is while you’re in the world…”

“Oh Severus, it’s a beautiful song. I love it. And you’re right, I didn’t have it. It’s absolutely lovely,” she beamed at him.

“I’m glad you like it. I meant every word. If I could write you a song, it’d be like this one,” he said somewhat shyly as exposing his innermost romantic thoughts.

“Let’s play it again and dance, okay?” she offered.

“You don’t think anyone’s going to come in and see us?” he asked.

“It’s just dancing. I think I’m allowed to do that,” she informed him, as she got up and put the record needle back at the start.

Then she pulled him off the bed and they held each other closely and danced to the song again while he just laid his head on shoulder this time and buried his face in her hair. She smelled so good. Like apples and flowers mixed together. He loved her so much and he was hoping that she was actually loving him back. It seemed incredibly promising right now. Once the song ended, they let go of each other and just looked at one another for a moment. She wanted to kiss him, and he wanted to kiss her, but she was a bit afraid her nosy sister would butt in and fling the door wide open. So she just smiled at him and went to sit back on the bed.

“So tell me about your holiday,” she said to him. “Did you get anything good?”

“No. But I never do. It’s alright though. What did you get?” he asked curiously.

“Loads of clothes and some records and some money, that Petunia extorted from me. But it was a lovely Christmas.”

“Good. I’m happy you had a lovely day. My whole day was made just by coming to see you,” he admitted.

“I’m happy to see you too,” she told him. “Hey, I just need to use the loo okay? I’ll be right back!”

She jumped off the bed and left him sitting there alone. His curiosity got the better of him and he stood up and began perusing the boxes lying around her room with the Christmas gifts still in them. Then he noticed a box on the dresser along with a card. He picked up the card first and read it.

“A lily for my Lily…Merry Christmas. Love James.” He read it to himself and it brought a scowl to his face. Then he looked in the box and saw the necklace. The gorgeous gold and diamond lily necklace. He just held it in his hands distastefully and stared at it. His Lily? What was that all about? And he knew his stupid record cost a tiny fraction of what this cost. And she hadn’t even told him about it. When she walked in she found him holding the necklace and her stomach dropped.

“What is this rubbish?” he asked her angrily.

“It’s nothing. James sent it. But I’m not keeping it!” she urged him.

“The card says you’re his Lily? Are you playing with me? Are you already with him?” he asked with extreme annoyance.

“No! I’m not with him. His card was presumptuous. I’m sending it back. I don’t want it,” she told him vehemently.

“Why didn’t you send it back straight away?” he wondered.

“Because…I don’t know. I liked the necklace. And it was really sweet of him. But then I realized he’d get the wrong idea if I kept it. I swear I was going to get rid of it though. I’m not his. I’m not anyone’s really,” she told him.

“So then you’re not mine either?” he asked sadly.

“Severus, I told you I don’t know what I want or how I feel,” she reminded him.

“But you liked my gift and you know what it means. And the crystal heart you gave me. What does that even mean if not that you’re mine?” he asked confusedly.

“It means you have a piece of my heart. It doesn’t mean I belong to you though,” she explained.

He tossed the necklace down on the dresser.

“You know what? Just keep the necklace. It is pretty. And it’s a lot better than I can give you. I want out of this experiment. It’s not working. And I’m done,” he said hastily, grabbing up his coat and attempting to leave.

“Wait! Stop! Nothing’s changed. Just because he sent me some stupid necklace doesn’t mean it changes our experiment.”

“Well maybe I don’t want to be an experiment anymore? I thought I did, but this is too much. I’m still competing with him, and he’s not even here. I thought if I had you alone, you’d just forget all about him. But it’s like the bastard knows I was making headway and he had to send this piece of shit to you and this ridiculous card. He’s undermining me and he’s not even here!” he said a little too heatedly.

“Stop acting like an ass. I told you I wasn’t keeping the necklace,” she said trying to hush him up.

“Yeah, but I hate that you’re even conflicted at all. Why should you be? I’ve proven I’m the better man already. I know you, I love you, I would treat you well. And I’m not a huge jackass and a bully and a creep like James is! Your head is wrong if you’re even considering him. Especially after all he did to me. And still does to me. I told you he’d stopped bothering me, but that’s not entirely true. He still makes snide comments daily. He still tries to trip me or knock my books out of my hands. The only thing he hasn’t done lately is hex me because he knows I’d fucking kill him now. He knows I could. He’s afraid of what I’d do. You wanna know who was going to beat me up in the loo at school? James and Sirius! Those are the blokes who wanted to beat me senseless until they heard about my spell. So, dear Lily, it’s not your influence that’s made them tone down their actions. It’s because they’re afraid of me now!” he told her angrily.

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know any of that. It’s not my fault I didn’t know! No one told me! You didn’t tell me, you idiot!” she shouted back at him.

“I’m the idiot? Who’s the one trying to choose between a nice man a fuckwit pretty boy who shells out all his money on a girl he’s not even with, just to impress her? He has nothing else to impress you with but his money.”

“Are you calling me an idiot?”

“No. Yes! No. I don’t know! It’s just, this should be simpler. James is a colossal jerk. And I’m not. And maybe you need to be alone to figure it out instead of me bending over backwards to impress you? I’m done,” he said throwing up his hands.

“Just like that? You’re done? How am I supposed to figure anything out if you’re not even in this with me anymore?” she wondered.

“You shouldn’t need to figure it out! I’ve done more than enough already. What has he done except send you a stupid necklace?”

“You just don’t understand. This isn’t easy for me! I’m very confused about everything. And now I find out James and Sirius are still bothering you. I didn’t have a clue!”

“Does it change things?”

“Is that why you said it? To change things? Is it even true?” she wondered suddenly.

“Yes it’s bloody well true! I’m not lying. I was trying to let you have your delusions about your so-called friends, but why should I?”

“I don’t know who to believe anymore. They told me they’d been good. I believed them. And now you’re telling me differently. I’m more confused now than ever before!”

“Well you know where to find me when your head gets all clear. Merry Christmas, Lily,” he said flatly as he took his stuff and walked out her door, leaving her alone.

He ran down the stairs and didn’t even say goodbye to her family, which he know lost him some points. But what did it matter anymore? He was tired of jumping through hoops for Lily’s affections. He was sick of competing with an arrogant piece of shit who she probably only liked because he was handsome and rich. Two things he’d never be. She either loved him for him, or he was done playing games. He let her have all the power in this relationship, but he was done with it. If she wanted him, she better come to him. And if she didn’t, then it was her loss.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily struggles to make a choice while she and Severus spend New Years Eve together.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

It had been two days and Lily and hadn’t spoken to Severus at all. She knew he’d never come by, and she hadn’t gone to see him. She’d mostly just shut herself away in her room and sulked over the entire affair. She knew that it was her fault though. She had led him on too far. But she really meant the things she said and did, and she liked being with him. She enjoyed his arms around her and kissing him. None of that had been a lie. But she just wasn’t sure if it meant she was ready to make a decision about being with anyone. That was the conclusion she had come to. It was no longer really a competition between two boys, but more of a decision within herself if she wanted a boyfriend at all. She had done what she should have done immediately, and sent the necklace back to James. She just couldn’t accept it. And he’d sent her a reply telling her that he still wanted her to have it, and had sent the damn thing back again. So she just threw it in her drawer and tried to forget it existed. James was so persistent that it drove her mad. But that didn’t really win him points because she just felt pressured to return his feelings. But Severus wasn’t faring much better right now, because she felt pressured to return his feelings as well. And she was just a jumble of nerves and felt like she wasn’t really suited to pick either boy. She should just be alone. But that didn’t mean she didn’t want Severus in her life. She did. She just didn’t know how to do that without him always wanting more. She wanted a do-over. She wanted to try and erase all the kisses and touches and just be his friend again. But she wasn’t sure if he was willing to do that. She wanted to ask him to be patient with her, but she supposed where love was concerned, patience didn’t really win out.

But she’d finally had enough of the silence between them and she hoped that two days was enough to cool him off. She decided to send an owl and ask him to meet her at their spot. She needed to talk to him face to face. But she wasn’t sure exactly if he’d agree to see her or not. But she wrote the note anyway.

“We need to talk. Please don’t shut me out. Meet me at our spot this afternoon at 3pm. I’ll be waiting for you. Love, Lily.”

She attached the note to her owl and sent him off again. She wasn’t really sure if she’d get a reply or if he’d just meet her. But she was prepared to just stand out there and wait for him. Time went by and her owl had flown back without a note. She didn’t know what that meant. But she still pulled on her boots and her jacket and her hat and decided to set off. She stuck a record that she wanted to share with Severus in her jacket. Then she walked down the stairs and met up with her mum.

“Where are you going?” she asked her.

“I’m going for a walk. I’m tired of being cooped up,” she said to her mum.

“Well, be careful out there. There’s a lot of ice. It’s slippery. Be back by supper,” she said with a sigh.

“I will be.”

She took off out the door and her mum just watched after her. She knew she had quarreled with her friend Severus as everyone heard the shouting and watched him run out of the house. But Lily wouldn’t talk about it. Her mum just knew it had made her a miserable mess that barely ate any meals and had a permanent scowl on her usually animated face. Her mum felt sympathy for her as she remembered all the trouble boys had caused her back in the day. But her husband just said it was good they’d had a row because he didn’t much like the boy anyway. But her mum thought he was polite and kind, even if a bit raggedy around the edges. She had a softer heart than her husband did. But she figured getting out into the fresh air would do her daughter some good.

Lily walked along until she got to the tree she knew so well. No one was around, so she just stood there waiting. She got bored and started throwing snowballs at the tree and watching them explode and then she realized it didn’t look like Severus was coming. She was about to give up when he finally came walking out of the clearing and headed over towards her. She stopped throwing snowballs and smoothed down her jacket.

“Severus. You came. I was beginning to think you weren’t going to,” she admitted softly.

“I wasn’t going to. But then I had a change of heart. Sorry I’m so late,” he said just as softly.

“I’m glad you did come though.”

“Yeah. So what do you want to talk about?” he asked curiously, keeping his distance from her.

“I wanted to talk about us. I hated that you stormed off. You need to let me explain myself,” she pleaded.

“I’m listening.”

“Well, the thing is, I’m just not entirely sure I’m ready to be someone’s one and only. Not just yours, but anyone’s,” she explained.

“So this isn’t about picking me over James?” he asked.

“No, not really. I mean, I like you both for different reasons. But honestly, I can’t pick. I don’t want to pick. I just think I want to be friends with each of you.”

“Friends? With both of us? Lily, he doesn’t want to be your friend. Did you even give the necklace back to him?” he wondered.

“I tried to, but he sent it back. It’s in my sock drawer. But that doesn’t mean I’m his. He refused to take it back!”

“Great. He’s just trying to weasel his way in. Figures if he refuses to take it back, you’ll end up wearing it eventually,” he said snidely.

“That’s not true. And you’re one to talk. You don’t seem to want to be my friend either. You want all or nothing. I can’t do this, Severus. It’s too much pressure.”

He thought about it for a moment, then he realized she was right. He was being pushy and overly hopeful. He just wanted to call her his. He couldn’t help it. But if she really wasn’t ready to belong to anyone, he’d rather still have her friendship. Even if he wanted so much more. In that respect, he was no better than James. They were both hoping she’d defy the odds and pick them, despite her saying she wasn’t ready. He sighed and shook his head.

“Fine. We can be friends. I’m sorry if I pressured you. It’s just, I love you. I want to be with you. And it seemed like you wanted to be with me too,” he told her.

“I did. Sort of. I mean, I liked all the stuff we did. But you scared me a little when you demanded I choose who I belonged to. I’m not a belonging! I’m a person,” she reminded him.

“I know that. And I’m sorry I came on too strong. But it really pissed me off about that necklace and that card. I lost my temper.”

“Yeah, you did. Was all of that true? The bit about James and Sirius wanting to beat you up?” she wondered.

He laughed bitterly.

“You still doubt that? I told you it was true. I overheard their plans. And it wasn’t a mistake. I heard them say when and where, so I made sure they knew I was ready to take them on. They might be stronger than me, but they’re not as clever or dangerous as they would like to think,” he told her.

“Yeah, that’s another something I’m having a hard time with. Obviously I’m cross with them for wanting to beat you, but I’m not very thrilled with you threatening them with a dark spell that could kill people. That scares me, Severus.”

“Don’t be scared. I said I’d never really use it. But they don’t know that,” he told her.

“I still don’t like these dark spells.”

“Well I still don’t like your friends. And I have to defend myself somehow, even if it’s with rumors of my evil intentions.”

“I just wish it wasn’t like that,” she lamented.

“So do I. But it is. And I honestly still think you’re a fool for being friendly at all with James and his cronies. The things I’ve said should be enough to get you away from them. Even if you never do pick me,” he said seriously.

“But they tell me different stories. I don’t know what to believe,” she whispered.

“They’re liars! When have I ever lied to you?”

“Never.”

“My point exactly.”

“Alright, I’ll rethink my friendships. But I can’t promise anything. I mean, after all, they didn’t attack you.”

“Yeah, because they were scared! Not because they suddenly grew a conscience.”

“Alright. Okay. Please let’s just change the subject. Like are we still friends or not?” she asked, not wanting to talk about her other friends any longer.

He stared at her for moment then he looked at the ground and kicked the snow nervously.

“I don’t know. I guess we are,” he said softly. “Does this mean we won’t kiss again?”

“I don’t know. It might be best if we didn’t,” she said quietly.

“But you liked it.”

“I did like it.”

“So did I.”

“But it only leads you on.”

“I can keep a clear head.”

“Let’s just wait and see alright?” she said to him. Then, “have you ever heard the song A Different Drum by the Stone Poney’s?”

“What? No.”

“You should listen to it. It describes how I feel,” she said reaching into her jacket and handing him the record. “You can borrow it.”

“Alright,” he said, shoving the record in his jacket.

“I need to go now. My mom said to be home by supper and it’s beginning to get dark already. But we’re friends right? No more fighting?”

“Friends. Yes. No more fighting.”

“I’ll contact you again or you can owl me. My parents are going to a New Year’s Eve party and Petunia is going to a friend’s house. You could come over if you wanted, and then you can bring back the record.”

“Okay. I’ll owl you if I can come,” he said with a nod.

“Okay. Goodbye for now,” she said with a small smile as she went over and hugged him. “Until next time.”

“Until then…”

He watched her walk away and he wasn’t sure what exactly had been accomplished except they were speaking again. But she only wanted to be friends. There was no competition anymore apparently. But he still felt like there was one. She was still hanging out with those low life’s and didn’t seem too keen to give them the boot. And she still had that blasted necklace. He hated that idea. But then he reached in his pocket and felt the crystal heart in its pouch. He still had a piece of her heart. And James didn’t. Not like this. Maybe he was still winning? But then he thought of the record she gave him and wondered what it was about. She said it would explain her feelings. He decided to head home and listen to it.

He got into his room and shut the door, then he pulled the record out and put it on his turntable. He put the needle down and threw off his coat and listened to the words as they started up. A woman’s voice began singing.

You cry and moan and say it will work out  
But honey child I've got my doubts  
You can't see the forest for the trees

Oh don't get me wrong  
It's not that I knock it  
It's just that I am not in the market  
For a boy who wants to love only me

Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty  
All I'm saying is I'm not ready  
For any person place or thing  
To try and pull the reins in on me…

He didn’t really like the words, but he understood them at least. She was trying to say she just wasn’t in the market for a true love situation. Not right now. And the last part of the chorus really got to him. It said, “we’ll both live a lot longer, if you live without me…”

He turned it off and sat down on his bed. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the song, he just didn’t like what it was saying. And part of him still thought she could be won over, if he tried really hard. But he’d done that to no real avail. So he supposed he just had to accept her friendship. It was more than he had a few weeks ago. And it was better than nothing, he supposed. But part of him just wasn’t going to give up hope. He had a piece of her heart and she hadn’t asked for it back.

The next couple of days went by and Severus and Lily owled each other back and forth several times. Just talking about life and what was going on, which wasn’t much. She was just looking forward to New Year’s Eve when she’d have the house all to herself. And Severus had asked his mum if he could visit with Lily and she said she didn’t mind. But that he had to be home by 2am. He was shocked at such a late curfew but his mum was having her own gathering of friends over, and honestly didn’t want Severus there in her hair bothering her. He wasn’t even aware his mum had friends, but apparently they were part of a sewing circle and planned to drink all night and make a quilt. Severus could think of nothing more boring than that, so he was relieved to have someplace to go, especially since it was Lily’s place. Her parents kept urging her to come along to their party, but she refused and said she’d rather spend the night reading. She wasn’t telling them she was inviting someone over. She knew they’d say no. But this time they’d make sure he was gone when they got home. No more mishaps like the night he spent the night.

The day arrived and Lily’s parents headed out and Petunia was spending the night with her friend. They were reluctant to leave Lily alone, but she assured them she would be just fine. They knew she’d be safe, they just worried she’d feel lonely. But she said she’d be alright and just watch the festivities on the telly. Once they were gone, she waited for Severus and he showed up just after eight. As promised he returned her record and he told her he didn’t much care for it, but that he understood. He’d already said as much in a note he’d sent her, but he felt it needed to be stated again.

“You know, I’m not trying to tie you down,” he said as he handed the record over.

“I know. But you are a little. So is James. That’s why I wanted you to listen,” she explained.

“Did you send a copy to him too? Or am I the only one getting the official ‘I’m not ready’ musical send off?” he asked with a sigh.

“I couldn’t send it to him because you had it,” she sighed back.

“Yeah, but you could have sent him a note to the same effect.”

“I didn’t, no. But I made it clear in my letter to him when I sent back the necklace that I didn’t want to be his girlfriend.”

“Then why did he send it back?”

“You’d have to ask him that,” she said shaking her head.

“Well I doubt that’ll be happening. Anyway, enough of that. I snuck another bottle of wine out, if you’re interested,” he said pulling it out of his coat.

“You’re terrible! Of course I’m interested though. It was fun the first time,” she said with a smile.

“So are we gonna hang out downstairs or in your room?”

“In my room for a bit I think. I want to listen to music. Only I won’t play this one again,” she said holding up the offending record.

“Good. You lead the way,” he gestured up the stairs.

“Oh you go on ahead. I’m going to grab snacks and the corkscrew that I managed to sneak back into the kitchen. I’ll be up there shortly,” she told him.

“Alright.”

He made his way up the stairs and into her room. He sat on the bed and put the wine beside him. He just looked around at her posters and stuff and then he got a really wicked idea. One that he tried to dispel but he couldn’t. He got up and went to her dresser. He opened the top drawer where he knew the socks were kept, and found the necklace that James gave her. He pulled it out of the box and shoved it in his pocket. Then he grabbed up the letter that was sitting there too and read it quickly.

“Dearest Lily, please don’t say no just yet. Keep the necklace. I want you to have it. Maybe one day you’ll wear it. Love, James.”

He crumpled up the note and shoved it in his coat pocket along with the necklace and the holiday card he’d sent with it. Then he heard her coming up the stairs, so he took off the coat and gently laid it over the chair and then sat on the bed like nothing had happened. She walked in happily and brought crisps and Christmas biscuits and a corkscrew. She dumped them on the bed and sat down next to him.

“We should be set for a while with these.”

“Let’s open this wine, shall we?” he said grabbing the corkscrew. “This time it’s white instead of red. It was all my mum had. I hope it’s better.”

“I don’t really care how it tastes honestly. I just want to be a bad girl,” she giggled.

“It’s fun to be bad once in a while isn’t it?” he smirked.

“Yes.”

“Why do you think I enjoy conjuring up those spells?”

“I don’t know. Because you’re crazy?” she offered with a sigh.

“No, because it’s bad. You said yourself bad is fun,” he shrugged.

“Yes, well, I don’t want to talk about your spells right now. Let’s listen to some music.”

She got up and put on a record and started dancing to it, while Severus opened the wine and offered her some. She drank it and just watched her dance, but somehow it wasn’t quite the same when he wasn’t trying to woo her, nor was she letting him woo her. This fact just made him drink more, he realized. He kept knocking the bottle back and she barely had any of it. It was torturous to be in her presence and not touch her like he had been touching her. He realized he really did want all or nothing in some ways. But what he wanted, and what he got were always two separate things. At least she was talking to him now. When a particularly happy song came on, she grabbed him up to dance. He did not want to this time, but he let her make him sway to the music at least. But after a minute, he just sat back down. She pouted at him.

“You’re no fun tonight. You’re not smiling and you look like someone killed your puppy again. Plus you drank nearly all this wine already,” she noted the almost empty bottle.

“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just not in the mood to dance tonight,” he shrugged.

“Why not? Just because I said we shouldn’t kiss each other again?” she wondered.

“Partly. I mean, I want you, Lily. You know that. And this charade of only being friends when we’ve shared so much more is a little off putting and difficult. I can’t just turn things on and off like a switch,” he explained.

She sat down next to him on the bed.

“I’m going to lose you aren’t I? If I don’t choose you, I lose you, isn’t that so?”

“No. You won’t lose me. It’s just, this is hard. It’s not what I want. And the way you were acting before, it’s not what you want either.”

“I realize I was instigating a lot of the kisses. And I’m the moron who let you feel me up. Those were not the things you do to a friend. And I can’t take them back, nor do I want to. I’m just scared, Severus. Scared of what it means to belong to someone. To be someone’s girl. Especially when I didn’t even know which person I wanted really. When I’m with you, I want you. It’s true. I do. But when I’m with him, I wanted him too. So that’s why I gave you that record to show maybe I’m better off picking neither person,” she explained.

“But that’s so dumb. You shouldn’t be scared. And if you pick me, we’ll be happy. You know we would be. I make you happy. Don’t pretend I don’t,” he pleaded with her, slightly drunkenly.

“You do make me happy,” she admitted softly.

“Then let’s just be happy, Lily.”

She stared at him and didn’t really know what to say or do. She was still so confused. And not really confused between him and James anymore, but confused as to whether or not she was ready to be someone’s girl. But she had to admit that if she were to pick someone, Severus was the one she’d want. He’d been nothing but good to her and kind and fun and loving. Even when they quarreled, she knew it was mostly her fault and not his. It was her stupid friends and indecisions that were making problems. But then she kept thinking of not only what her friends at school would say if she dated Severus, but her parents too. Her father made no attempts at pretending he approved. And her mum, though slightly better, didn’t really see a future between them citing their many fights and moments of not speaking to one another. She felt they were too tumultuous. And Lily wondered if that was true. She wasn’t sure. But right now, with the little bit of drink she had, and Severus’s sad little look, it melted her brain and her heart and she just leaned over and put her arms around him and snuggled him tightly to her.

“I don’t want to be unhappy. Or to lose you. You’re still the boy I once loved. You were right of that. And I do want to be with you. It’s just complicated,” she said, with tears streaming down her face.

He pulled her tighter against him and kissed the top of her head.

“We’ll deal with any obstacles in our path. Trust me on that one. You just need to do what makes you happy. And if that really means you’re not with me, then I’ll accept it. But only if you really mean it. If you have doubts, then just pick me,” he told her.

“I want to pick you. I want to pick you so bad. But what if I screw it up? What if I’m not strong enough to face what other people say?” she asked.

“Honestly, fuck them all. All of them. My friends, your friends, your parents. I know you’re stronger than you believe you are,” he urged her.

She looked up and stared into his dark eyes. They were brimming with tears that had yet to fall. When he blinked a few tears rolled down and she wiped them away gently. He reached out and wiped her tears just as gently.

“We shouldn’t be crying, Lily. We should be celebrating.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve ruined everything haven’t I?”

“No, not at all. Just kiss me again. Please?”

“It’s not midnight yet.”

“So?”

She smiled a little and leaned over and kissed his lips softly. She pulled back and he was smiling then. He no longer looked like something had died. And she realized she had the power to make him happy, just like he had the power to make her happy too. It was stupid to fight it. She was the biggest coward who ever lived, she realized.

They spent the rest of the evening lying together on her bed just laughing and talking and occasionally letting a kiss or two slip in. It wasn’t wholly romantic, nor was it wholly just friendship. It was somewhere in between. And Lily found herself being able to live with that. And so could he. At least for now. Once it was nearly midnight, they went downstairs to turn on the telly to watch the dance party show that was doing the countdown to the new year. They counted right along with it and both clapped and cheered when the moment arrived. And then Severus asked if he could get that New Year’s kiss after all. She agreed and he pulled her to him and kissed her very nicely and for a lot longer than she’d let him do earlier. But when they pulled apart, all they could do was laugh as they were both a bit tipsy, him more so than her. But for once it seemed like a new year actually held promise and not just misery and doldrums. At least to Severus. Lily was just happy her birthday was now in a month and she’d be seventeen at last. Severus had a shorter time to wait as his birthday was less than two weeks away.

“So when you’re seventeen, will you apparate everywhere?” she asked as they plopped down together on the couch, holding hands.

“Yes, definitely. Except for at school where you can’t. But on breaks? I’m going to just go everywhere. Maybe even into London whenever I please? It’s going to be spectacular,” he remarked.

“I think I’m going to do it all the time too. It makes me feel all funny when I do it, but it’s trippy.”

“It is. But it’s also a lot of fun.”

“I’m so happy you came over tonight. You realize that? It would have been so boring all by myself,” she said, laying her head on his shoulder.

“Likewise. My mum is having a sewing circle tonight. I’d rather chop my own arm off and beat myself to death with it than be there for that,” he chuckled.

“I know you were very cross with me before, but I hope that things are better now. I realize I didn’t exactly make a solid choice, but I just know I want you around.”

“I know. And I want to be around. It’s not fair of me to push you. I just want us both happy. And tonight was nice,” he smiled over at her.

“Can we cuddle now? I’m getting sleepy,” she said yawning and curling up closer to him.

He put his arms around her and held her tightly. His heart was beating fast and he was excited to be so close to her, but he wasn’t going to show it. He was going to play it cool.

“Just don’t fall asleep on me, will you? I don’t have to be home until 2am,” he told her.

“I won’t. I promise. Will you tell me a story?” she asked curiously.

“A story? Like what?” he asked with amusement.

“Make something up. Like when we were kids. Like the spy story,” she urged him.

“Alright. Well, once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. And she was loved by all the men in the land. But she had to choose between two of them. And she was really annoying sometimes because she couldn’t choose,” he began.

“Oh stop it. This story is too true,” she smacked his arm playfully.

“No, just keep listening. See, she was very annoying. But one of them men still loved her a lot. He didn’t care how annoying she was. He just wanted to be her prince,” he continued on.

“Her half-blood prince?” she asked, remembering what he’d called himself scribbled inside his potions book.

“Yes, her half-blood prince. He wasn’t as noble of steed as the other bloke, but he was much, much nicer. And one day she figured that out and they lived happily ever after.”

“Until he had to be a spy?”

“Right, until he had to be a spy. It was dangerous work, but he did it for her. To keep her and everyone safe.”

“And then they had babies, yes?”

“Yes, several of them. All with their mother’s beautiful eyes.”

“I like this story. It’s good. If only it were that simple,” she sighed.

“It is that simple.”

“Maybe you’re right?” she conceded and just snuggled down closer to him and let him hold her.

She found great comfort in his arms and she was entertained by his ridiculous stories. He had such an amazing voice, she could listen to him speak for hours and never get tired of it. She decided to tell him that.

“You have a nice voice, Severus.”

“I do?”

“Yes, it’s really commanding yet calming at the same time.”

“No one’s ever said that to me before.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever talked this much before to anyone else,” she giggled.

“Perhaps not. That’s true. But other girls aren’t lining up to hear me tell them stories,” he admitted with a small blush.

“Well they should be.”

“Nah, I’ll just save them for you.”

He kissed her cheek and held her and the time passed so quickly, he realized he had to leave. Her parents would be home any minute and he couldn’t be late getting home either. He trudged up the stairs and got his jacket then he took the wine bottle and said he’d throw it in the neighbors bin on his way out, so no one would find it. Then he kissed her softly goodbye and exited her house.

“Happy New Year!” she called out to him.

“Happy New Year to you too!”

“I’ll speak with you soon!”

He just waved and kept walking and then his heart started pounding again when he remembered what he had hidden in his jacket. He’d stolen James’s necklace. Why did he do that? It was so foolish of him. But he just didn’t want her to have it. He walked along the river on his way home and he stopped at a bridge. He pulled the necklace out of his pocket and the crumpled up note and card. He ripped the note and card into little pieces and let it scatter in the water. Then he took the necklace and threw it as far as he could into the rushing water.

“Goodbye James, you miserable swine. She’s not your Lily,” he muttered to himself.

Then he straightened himself up and kept walking, realizing just a little too late that Lily was probably going to kill him if she found out what he had done.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus have a row over what he did on New Years Eve.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

Lily was lying in her room on New Year’s Day, just listening to her records and thinking about things. It seemed like she’d sort of made a choice, even if that wasn’t really her intent. But Severus urged her to pick happiness, and she had to admit he gave that to her. But she still felt somewhat weird about the prospect of dating her friend. It would have a lot of backlash in all directions and it wasn’t as simple of a choice that he made it seem like. She was going to be ostracized. And her parents weren’t going to approve. And even if she knew she was old enough to make her own decisions, she still felt pressure from outside sources. It hadn’t helped that she received another owl from James, this time wishing her a Happy New Year. He hadn’t said much else though except he hoped he’d see her wearing the necklace at some point. That made her stomach drop and do that flippy thing again. She decided to get up and look at the necklace again, just to contemplate her options. Only when she went to her drawer and uncovered the box, it was empty. She tossed all her socks out and searched through the drawer and it was just gone. She got a very angry scowl on her face and stormed out of her room and pounded on her sister’s door.

“Petunia! Get out here now!” she screamed loudly.

“What is your problem?” Petunia asked flinging the door open widely.

“Where is my necklace?” she asked her accusingly.

“What necklace?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You know the one. The one I got for Christmas. The one you coveted and thought was so beautiful,” she said with her hands on her hips.

“I didn’t take your dumb necklace! As if I’d want a stupid lily around my neck. It’s not my flower. And besides, I don’t want something some magic weirdo gave you,” Petunia scoffed.

“Well then where is it? It’s gone. I’ve looked through my entire drawer.”

“How should I know? Maybe it’s a magical necklace and it disappears when you don’t wear it?” Petunia offered.

“There is no such thing. I know you took it. You’re the only one who knew about it. Maybe you did it just to spite me, not because you wanted it?” Lily shot back.

“Dream on. I never touched it! I don’t even know where you put it. Last I saw it was on the dresser. And I never went in your bloody room. So piss off!” Petunia yelled, trying to shut the door in her face.

“I’m getting Mummy and Daddy! I know you took it! It had to be you! They’ll search your entire room!”

“You’re mad! Stop it!” Petunia pleaded with her.

“Mummy! Daddy! Petunia stole something of mine and won’t give it back!” Lily screamed down the stairs for her parents.

“Will you shut up? I did not take it!”

It took a moment but their parents appeared and both girls started yelling in unison and they were treated to a chorus of ‘she stole it!’ and ‘I never touched anything!’ until they both just demanded silence.

“Now Lily, what’s it you think Petunia stole?” her mum asked calmly, as their father scowled.

“It was a necklace. Someone gave it to me for Christmas. And she’s the only one who knew about it!”

“Petunia is this true?” her father asked.

“No! It’s not true. I wasn’t the only one who knew about it, Lily. Remember your greasy boyfriend? You told me the entire row on Christmas was over that stupid necklace! I just remembered that. So I wasn’t the only one who knew,” Petunia said smugly.

“Is this true, Lily?” her father asked his other daughter.

Lily stopped and thought for a moment and realized Petunia was actually right. Severus did know. And furthermore she’d told him it was hidden in her sock drawer.

“Oh God…” she muttered sadly, the pieces finally falling into place. “Yes, Petunia is right. Severus did know,” she whimpered softly.

“Well then there you go. That dreadful poor child probably took it and pawned it. Now leave your sister alone. If she said she didn’t take it, then she didn’t take it,” her dad said with a sigh.

“But can’t you search her room?” Lily wondered half-heartedly.

“No. I see no need. I think you’ve gotten your culprit,” her dad remarked.

“I agree with your father, sweetie. If he knew where it was, then he must have taken it,” her mum said softly.

“I’d like to know when he took it though if you’re just now missing it,” her dad wondered idly.

“He stopped by last night. Real quick. Just to say Happy New Year. It must have been then,” Lily lied softly, unable to believe this turn of events. She felt certain it was her sister. But now it was making sense that it wasn’t her at all.

“Well, I think you know who you need to speak to. Common thief. Darling, do check our silver and your jewelry box to make sure nothing else is missing,” her dad told his wife.

They rushed off to check their other belongings but Lily knew Severus didn’t take any of them. He only wanted the necklace. She just couldn’t believe he’d stolen it. After all the progress they made last night. She was fuming inside and marched back to her room and slammed the door. She sat on her bed and cried and listened to sad music about lovers lost and men who did you wrong. Anything to fuel her sadness and anger. She got up again and looked through the drawer and realized the note James sent was gone too, along with his card. It had to be Severus. No one else would take those two things. She was just trying to find some loophole where it wasn’t him. But she couldn’t find one. She got up and got a piece of parchment and scribbled off a note to Severus.

“We need to talk ASAP. I’m going to our spot. Be there. And if you know what’s good for you, bring me back what’s mine.”

She huffily tied the letter to her owl’s leg and then she sat on the bed again and cried some more. Why would he do something so childish and mean? Did he really need the money? Did he pawn it? Or did he just steal it and hide it in his room? She didn’t know but she wanted it back. Not so much because it meant something to her, but because it was hers. He had no business even touching it, much less stealing her private correspondence with James. She was beyond hurt and seething with anger.

Severus saw her owl arrive and at first he was really excited. He hoped that maybe she wanted to see him again. But when he read the note, he felt sick inside. It was obvious she missed the necklace and the letters. What else could she be talking about? And what was he going to tell her? He could try lying and say it wasn’t him, but he knew she’d probably not believe him. A thief would have taken more than just her necklace and some love letters. He was a dead man. He only hoped she wouldn’t miss it this quickly. But that had been utterly foolish of him. He was afraid to go meet her since he didn’t have the items anymore, so he couldn’t give them back. He nervously pulled on his oversized coat and his boots and headed downstairs.

“Where are you going, Severus?” his mum asked idly from her chair.

“Just for a walk. I won’t be long.”

“Are you going to town?”

“No, I wasn’t. But I can if you need me to,” he said politely to his mum.

“Yes, I’ve got this terrible cough and I need some brandy to soothe my throat,” she told him.

“Mum, I can make you a potion for your cough if you’d like,” he offered.

“No, no. I’ve gotten one already. Brewed it this morning. The brandy just helps soothe my throat. There’s money on the table over there.”

He went over and took the ten pounds and shoved it in his pocket.

“I’ll be back later, Mum. Feel better,” he smiled at her.

“Yes, yes. Run along. See you soon,” she waved him off dismissively.

He headed out the door and walked as slowly as possible towards his and Lily’s favorite spot. For once, he wasn’t eager to go there and see her. And when he showed up, she wasn’t even there yet. He thought about leaving, but she emerged quickly and she came running up to him with her wand out. She shoved him back and pointed it at his throat.

“Give me back what you took or I will make you puke salamanders for days,” she threatened him.

“Lily! First of all, I don’t know what you’re talking about. And second, you can’t do magic outside of school!” he reminded her.

“Watch me. I figure the most they’ll do is give me a stern warning. And you’ll get what’s coming to you all the same,” she screeched at him.

“What are you even talking about? I’m very confused. What did I take?” he feigned innocence.

She lowered her wand and gave him a glare.

“You know what you took. My necklace and my letters. Did you pawn it?”

“Pawn your letters? No. I don’t think anyone would want that those,” he said trying to make her laugh fruitlessly.

“You know what I mean! Did you pawn the necklace?” she shot back at him.

“No.”

“Empty your pockets. Right now!” she shrieked and he jumped away from her.

“Alright, alright,” he held up his hands and then reached in his pockets and produced some lint and the ten pound note from his mum. She grabbed the money.

“This! Right here! You never have money. And now suddenly you do?” she said accusingly.

“It’s not my money! It’s my mum’s. She wants me to get her some brandy. God Lily, you’re acting mental,” he said grabbing his money back. “Besides, I think the necklace was worth more than ten pounds.”

“Where is it then? The money? The rest of it?” she asked icily.

“I didn’t pawn the fucking necklace! God, you think I’m that desperate for money? I wouldn’t take money from anything James bought anyway!” he shouted at her.

“Then what did you do with it?” she demanded.

He just stared at her and realized he wasn’t getting out of this one. He knew he’d done something stupid, but he couldn’t take it back now. And throwing the necklace in the river seemed like a good idea after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. But now he sort of regretted ever taking the dumb trinket at all. But he just stayed silent because he didn’t know what to say.

She repeated herself.

“What did you do with my necklace?”

He sighed and sat down on the snowy ground and held his head in his hands.

“I threw it away, alright? I tossed it in the river,” he admitted quietly.

“What? You tossed it in the bloody river? Are you out of your mind?” she asked, going over to him and smacking his arms angrily as he held them up to defend his face.

“I’m sorry! I just didn’t like you having it! So I got rid of it. You said yourself you didn’t want it but James sent it back. So I just got rid of it for you!” he said defensively.

“Ugh! That was not your decision to make. It was mine. And you had no right taking my belongings. My necklace, my letters. Those were private! And mine!” she said, tears forming in her eyes.

“I’m sorry! It was stupid of me. But why do you care so much? I thought you didn’t want it? And the letters? Were you keeping them for sentimental reasons? I thought you’d never miss them anyway,” he explained.

“I keep my letters. No matter who sends them. And the necklace meant something, even if I didn’t want to wear it. James gave that to me. And you just stole it like a common burglar and threw it away? Ugh! I can’t stand you right now. I can’t even look at you!”

“I only did what you should have done. If you don’t want to be with him, then you don’t need the necklace. Keeping it implies you’re going to pull it out and look at it longingly. Which apparently you tried to do or else you wouldn’t know it was gone!” he shot back at her.

“I wasn’t looking at it longingly. I just wanted to see it. And it wasn’t there! Now it’s at the bottom of the bloody river! You’re sick, you know that? Sick and selfish and disgusting and presumptuous and a huge liar! Now I don’t believe anything you’ve told me. You say James and Sirius are awful people, but look at you? You’re no better. You think you are, but you’re not!” she screamed at him.

He stood to his feet once more.

“That’s not true at all. I am better than them! I’m way better than them! You think if I gave you a necklace and James found out you accepted it and wore it he wouldn’t rip the bloody thing off and destroy it? He would! You know he would. And he’d make fun of you for even having anything from me. Just like the time in fourth year when I brought you the flowers I’d picked on the grounds. He found out I gave them to you and he lit them on fire in the hallway. Do you even remember that?” he spat at her.

“I remember! But he wouldn’t do that now! I wouldn’t let him!”

“Right. Think what you want. I did you a favor getting rid of that piece of garbage. It probably wasn’t even real,” he retorted.

“Hardly. You’re mad because it was real. If it cost five pounds, you wouldn’t be so mad that you couldn’t buy it for me instead! That’s what this is about. Your jealousy! And I’m sick of it. You don’t own me. And you don’t get to choose what possessions I keep or not.”

“Fine! I made a mistake. And I’m sorry for it. But I can’t go get it back now. It’s gone. I’m not scuba diving in the river. So just let it go. It’s gone,” he told her, trying to calm down.

But she refused to calm down. She was pissed beyond belief. More than she ever was when he called her a Mudblood. She’d been hurt then. But now she was mostly just really, really mad. He knew she would be, but he hadn’t thought out the consequences before he did what he did. It was an impulse. A whim. And part of him thought she’d find it at least a little amusing that he’d thrown it in the river. But he was sorely mistaken. Obviously she wanted the necklace more than she let on.

“You sicken me right now. I can’t believe I actually was considering being with you. But forget it, Severus. You blew it. I don’t want to see you anymore. So just leave me alone,” she said, with tears in her eyes.

“You don’t mean that. It’s a dumb necklace. It’s not like I threw your cat in the river. We were making such progress! Don’t just throw it away because of this,” he pleaded with her.

“I feel like I don’t know you. Or rather, I do know you. And I know you’re not a nice boy normally. Maybe to me you can be, but you’re not really nice. You make up dark spells, you want people afraid of you, you steal people’s property and you’re just as big of a jerk as James ever will be!”

“I am nice! I’m always nice to you!” he retorted.

“Liar! You called me a Mudblood! That wasn’t nice. And stupid me, I forgave you. But now you’ve crossed a line. We’re done. Over. And I want you to stay away from me.”

“Lily, you don’t mean that,” he pleaded.

“Watch me,” she said as she turned on her heel and left him standing alone in the snow.

He just sunk down to his knees and began weeping into his hands. She sounded like she really meant business this time. He’d lost her. He’d done another foolish thing and now she hated him again. Why was he such a colossal fuck up? Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did he let his pettiness make him stoop to a level lower than even he thought he’d sink? And now she was gone again. This time maybe forever. He wasn’t sure if she’d ever forgive him this time. And he wasn’t sure if he deserved the forgiveness or not anyway. He had been foolish, and now he paid the price for it.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus tries to make up for what he did to Lily.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

When Severus finally got home, he deposited his mother’s brandy on the table and then he tried to sneak off to his room without her seeing him, but he was unsuccessful. She emerged from the kitchen and wiped her hands on an apron.

“Severus. Finally. I really needed that brandy. I feel very poorly right now. I was just making some soup for supper,” she told him.

“Sorry it took so long. I got sidetracked,” he apologized.

The truth was he’d been digging along the banks of the river looking for the necklace. He thought maybe if he could get it back, Lily would forgive him. But his search was futile. The water was icy and rushing very fast from the melting snow and the way he’d thrown it, it was probably in the middle way down at the bottom. Finding it hooked on some branches or stuck to some rocks had been a fruitless idea. But he still tried. His mum noticed his coat was all wet on the bottom and his boots were soggy, along with the cuffs of his shirt.

“Why are you all wet, boy?” she asked him, noting he’d tracked mud into her pristine living room.

“I was walking by the river. I’m sorry. I’ll clean the mud,” he said softly, looking away from her.

“What’s wrong? I can tell something is wrong. Your eyes are all red. And who goes wading in a freezing river? Are you ill too?” she wondered.

“No Mother, I’m not ill. Just stupid. I did something bad and I can’t fix it,” he admitted.

“Dear Lord, what did you do? Do I even want to know?” she said looking skyward.

“I stole something from Lily and now she hates me,” he blurted out, unable to contain his emotions.

“Stole something? Are you mad? You stole something? I demand you give it back. We do not steal in this house!” she said very crossly.

“I can’t give it back. I threw it in the river. That’s why I was wading out there. But it’s gone,” he explained.

“What was it?”

“A necklace.”

“A necklace? Why would you steal her jewelry and throw it away?” she asked utterly perplexed. She could understand if he wanted the money, but to throw it away?

“It came from another boy. An awful boy. I didn’t want her to have it. But now she hates me. And it was expensive. I can’t replace it. I really messed up, Mum.”

She just glared at him and shook her head.

“You did mess up. Severely. Stealing is never okay! I don’t care your reasons! My Lord, how much did it cost? Surely we have to repay her family for this. I won’t have my son known as a common hooligan.”

“I don’t know how much it cost. It was made of gold and diamonds,” he admitted.

She reached back and smacked his arm really hard.

“You’re in huge trouble now! We don’t have the money for such things. I’ll have to sell the pearls your father gave me. The only thing he ever gave me I liked. I should beat you senseless!”

“Mum, please. Don’t sell your jewelry. I’ll find a way to pay them back. I’ll do shoveling snow or something. I’ll make it right,” he pleaded with her with tears in his eyes.

“Stop crying, you foolish boy. You’re really afraid of a beating? Be a man,” she urged him, turning her nose up at him.

“I’m not crying over the impending beating. I’m crying because I’ve lost the only woman I’ve ever loved! You can beat me all you want. I promise I already hurt more than you could dish out,” he said falling to his knees and awaiting his punishment.

She just stared at him and lost her resolve to swat him down and make him suffer. She really had grown soft on him, because a few years ago, she would have gotten a switch and made it so he’d never sit down for a week. But her boy had a rough life. She knew that. His father left them, he was picked on in school, he was slightly homely looking like his father and didn’t dress smartly either. He didn’t have a lot going for him, and she knew it. And she felt sorry for her own son. The only time she’d seen him happy in years was when he was spending time with this Lily girl. And now he’d mucked that up to tenth degree. She just got on her knees with him and grabbed his hands.

“Severus, listen to me. You make this right somehow. I don’t care if you sell everything you own. At least give the girl the money for the necklace. Then perhaps she’ll see how sorry you really are and forgive you,” she told her son.

“She never will. It’s not about the money, Mum. It’s because I stole from her. It’s the principle. I just let my jealousy get the better of me. I can’t atone for it.”

“You can try. And it may not be about the money to her, but it is to me. I do not want a reputation for having a thief as a son. So you will go to her house and you will offer anything you have to offer. Goods or services, and you will make amends for this. Don’t even try to say no to me.”

“I won’t. I’ll do it. But it won’t help me.”

“You’re right. It probably won’t help. But you learned a lesson, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You’ll never do it again?”

“No, never. I swear it.”

“Good. Now get up, boy. Go upstairs and gather anything you can sell and take it to the pawn shop. And then go throw yourself on your sword, so to speak, and offer reparations for your actions.”

Severus got up and wiped his eyes and then went upstairs to his room. He had nothing of real value to sell. Everything he owned was a hand me down or bought second hand. His record collection wasn’t even worth anything as it was so small and old. But he did have the turntable he could sell, along with the speakers. And he had one item from his father that might be worth something. It was a gold watch. Or at least he thought it was gold. It could be fake. But he took the items under his arm and trudged out the door with them in order to try and make amends. It was a long miserable walk carrying the heavy stereo equipment. He almost dropped it several times, but he kept going until he got to the pawn shop. It was one of the only shops open on the holiday. But he laid out his ancient items and waited to see what the man would give him. He even handed over the watch, which the man scrutinized and sighed over.

“This is metal. Not gold. It’s worth about three pounds. And this turntable and speakers are worth about twenty pounds. That’s all I can give you. No one will probably ever buy any of this stuff,” the man said gruffly.

“Please, can’t you offer more? I’m sure the watch is gold. My father said it was,” he pleaded.

“Your father lied. I know gold when I see it. But this here is stainless steel with gold coloring. See where it’s rubbing off? It’s fake.”

“Alright. I’ll take whatever you’ll give me,” Severus conceded.

Then he pocketed the money and headed off towards Lily’s house. By this time it was getting later and was already dark. He came to their door and he knocked loudly. He waited for a time until her father opened it up.

“What are you doing here, you miserable little thief?” he asked crossly.

“I’ve come to try and pay Lily back for what I took. I have some money. It’s not much,” he admitted.

“Who is it, dear?” Lily’s mother asked her husband as she came to the door and saw Severus standing there. “Oh it’s you.”

“He said he’s come to pay Lily back for what he took.”

“Yes, as you see, it’s not much,” he said thrusting the bills at her father. “But it’s all I have.”

“This is about thirty pounds, give or take. You really think that makes up for a diamond necklace?” her father asked.

“I could work off the rest. Shovel your snow. Take down your Christmas lights. Whatever you need done.”

“I don’t think we need anything from you. Can’t trust you around our belongings apparently,” her dad said with a glare.

“Please. It’s all I can offer. My mum doesn’t want me to be the sort who wouldn’t pay back his debt. I know I did something wrong, and I just want to fix it. I swear you don’t even need to let me inside. I’ll just come back tomorrow and shovel and take down the lights and whatever odd jobs you want to give me.”

“It would save me the trouble with the lights,” her father noted to himself. “Fine. You can come back and do some work, but you’re not coming in this house again. Besides my daughter doesn’t wish to see you. But I’ll give her this money. Doubt she wants it. You made a huge mistake.”

“I know. And tell her I’m sorry again. I’ll come back tomorrow and get to work.”

“Fine. Be here early. We’ll see you then.”

Then her father slammed the door in his face. He just let out a deep breath and started to walk away from the house. He got to the end of the driveway when Lily came running out without her coat on.

“Severus!”

He turned and faced her.

“Yes?”

“Why did you bring money? I don’t want your stupid money,” she said thrusting it back in his face.

“It’s all I can give. To make up for it. To replace the cost. I sold my record player and my father’s cheap watch. It was all I had. But you should keep the money and use it for something you want. Since it’s my fault you lost all your Christmas money to your sister too.”

“I really don’t want your money. Nor do I want you working around my house. I just want you to go away,” she said haughtily.

“I will. I won’t bother you. But your father wants me to work and my mum is making me. But I swear I won’t go near you,” he promised.

“You better not.”

“I won’t. I’m so sorry Lily. I even trudged through the river to look for the necklace but it’s gone.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

“Well that was dumb. Of course it’s gone. But you do realize I don’t care how much the necklace cost. It could have been from a gumball machine for all I care. It’s the point you stole it from me and tossed it. That’s why I’m so angry.”

“I know. I told my mum that, but she’s horrified having a thief for a son. Said I had to make reparations with your family. I knew it wouldn’t help though.”

He turned around to walk away and she stopped him again.

“Wait!”

“What?”

“Never mind. Just go. I’m not done being mad at you yet. So just go.”

He turned around and walked off, and Lily just held her tongue. She couldn’t help noticing how distraught he was and how raggedy his wet clothes looked. Plus he’d sold his belongings to give her money? She felt her heart breaking over that. But she decided it was better to let him suffer longer. He deserved it after the stunt he pulled. So she just wrapped her arms around herself tightly and ran back into the house. She took the money he’d given her and went inside her room and just looked at it. It was twenty-eight pounds. Hardly even a dent in what the necklace cost. Not that she cared. But it was really idiotic of him to have to sell his only worldly goods to give her this. Especially when it made no real difference to her. It’s not like she was going to buy the necklace again even if he’d given her what it cost. But she supposed his mum was just being a stickler about his thievery. This time it wasn’t funny like stealing rubbish bin lids. It was personal. And that’s what really stung Lily. That he’d go into her things and take what didn’t belong to him. He deserved to lose his possessions, she thought. Yet part of her still felt badly about it. He didn’t have much to begin with and now he had even less. She supposed it served him right, but her heart was still too soft sometimes. She sighed and decided she would get his things back for him. It wasn’t because she forgave him yet, but because she didn’t want him to be without his record player. She knew he loved that thing, even with minimal records to listen to. But that didn’t mean they were on good terms. They might never be.

The next day he arrived early to begin his manual labor around their house, and her father wrote down all the tasks he wanted done before he headed off to work. He expected them all done by the time he got home. And then he’d let Severus’s mum know that his debt was paid, in their eyes. Although he still was not supposed to be allowed in the house again. Ever. Her father had put his foot down about that. But otherwise, he wasn’t going to make the poor boy a slave for life over some necklace his daughter claimed she never even really wanted in the first place. Lily saw Severus outside shoveling the driveway and she passed by him on her way to town. Her mum had let her go, not knowing her plans other than she claimed to want to shop alone, and her mum wasn’t leaving Severus unattended in order to take her. So she said she’d walk. She didn’t mind. It would help clear her head. He saw her walk past and he stopped shoveling long enough to say hello. She nodded and kept walking, effectively giving him the cold shoulder. But inside, her heart was warming slightly still. After all, she was going to get his things back to him. But he didn’t need to know that yet. She just walked into town and entered the pawn shop where she knew he’d sold his items.

“Can I help you miss?” the man asked, noting she had no visible items to pawn.

“Yes, a young man came in yesterday and pawned his record player and some sort of watch.”

“Yes, yes. I remember perfectly. Not worth much, I’m afraid.”

“Well I don’t have the ticket, but I want to get the items back. I’ll give you the money back. You see, he pawned the items to repay me for something. But I don’t want it. So if I could just give this back and take the items, I’d be really grateful,” she said to him.

“Normally we wait at least a week before selling items, in case they come back. And without the ticket, I don’t know if I should let you claim the items,” he said skeptically.

“Please? How else would I know about them unless he told me? I just want him to have his stuff back. I have the twenty-eight pounds,” she held it out for him.

“Twenty-eight? No, no, it was twenty-three. That’s what the ticket says.”

“Twenty-three? Alright, well twenty-three then. I just want the items.”

“Okay, okay. I trust you know the young man. And honestly, this stuff isn’t worth anything to me. No one would buy it. I’m relieved to get it out of here. I almost turned him away, but he seemed so desperate for the cash,” he sighed.

“He was. But I’m more desperate for his items. So I’ll give you the twenty-three and I can have them back?”

“Sure, sure. Let me get the stuff. How are you going to carry it?”

“I have no idea. But I’ll manage.”

She grabbed the items off the counter after she stuck the watch in her pocket. And she had to admit they were big and bulky and awkward. She’d never make it very far. So she decided to use the extra five pounds to flag down a taxi. He helped her load the items then she gave him the address. They set off and then he dropped her off in front of Severus’s house. She scooped up the stereo equipment and trudged up the steps and knocked on the door. After a time, his mum answered.

“Hello?” she asked curiously looking at the stereo equipment.

“Hello, Mrs. Snape. I’m Lily. Severus’s friend.”

“Please, it’s Ms. Prince. And what on earth are you doing here? And with my son’s stuff?”

“Well you see I felt badly that he sold it to give me money, because it wasn’t necessary. So I’m bringing it back,” Lily explained awkwardly.

“He stole from you. He told me. I’m the one who made him sell his things,” his mum told her.

“I know. But I really don’t want the money and I really want him to have his things. So could I please bring them inside?”

“Alright. Fine. Still don’t know why you’d do that. But okay.”

She ushered her inside and watched her struggle with the items but made no move to help her. Then she just pointed up the stairs and said that’s where his room was. Lily sighed and lugged the items up and went to find his room. She’d never been in his room before but it wasn’t hard to figure out which one was his. It was the barest room with just a couple small items and a bunch of old books and Slytherin scarf wrapped around the bedpost. She walked in and plunked down the turntable and speakers and sighed. She saw the empty spot by the window where they went and she set them back up again. Then she took the watch out her pocket and set it on his dresser. Then part of her wanted to go through his things so he’d know what it felt like to be violated that way. And maybe she’d throw something of his into the river? But she wouldn’t stoop to that level. She couldn’t be that mean, even if he did deserve it. But then she caught sight of a journal sitting by his bedside. She wondered what it would say? Would there be things about her in it? She went over and picked it up and opened it. There was all sorts of writings and drawings and doodles in the margins. It was clear he spent a lot of time writing in it, and the latest entry was scrawled everywhere and messier than his usual handwriting. It was all over the place and he had written some of the words huge like the word ‘moron’ and ‘imbecile’ and ‘sorry’. She tried to read it all, but it was obviously written under extreme emotional duress. It made little sense. It just kept calling James terrible names and then he’d berate himself for being just as bad if not worse. And then it was just her name written, over and over again with little hearts next to it. She closed it up and put it down. She felt wrong violating his private thoughts, even if he had violated her private things. This was still different. This was a journal. He’d just taken a silly object and some meager love letters. Just as she was getting ready to leave, Severus’s mum showed in the doorway.

“That journal of his frightens me sometimes. He’s obsessed with making you his. It’s not healthy. And I wager you do not feel the same. At least the way he tells it,” she sighed with her arms crossed.

“You read his journal? That’s horrible. It’s private!” she said with irritation, even though she was just as guilty of the same crime.

“Of course I read it when he’s home. How else will I know anything? He doesn’t talk to me. And I’m worried about the people he hangs out with. Not the right sorts, those boys. And you? Well, you just seem like an obsession. If you want to be with my boy, then be with him. If you don’t, then make sure he gets on with his life and stops obsessing. I can’t even count the amount of times your name is mentioned in that book,” she told Lily.

“Yes, well, you still shouldn’t read it! It’s not right.”

“Weren’t you reading it? I saw you.”

“I was just picking it up. I barely read anything.”

“Mmm-hmm…alright. Well, like I said, cut him loose or be with him. Stop playing with his mind. I’m worried enough he’s gone mad, stealing things and throwing them into the river,” she shook her head.

“Yes, that was mental. But I think he had his reasons. Anyway, I will take your words to heart. I don’t want to make your son crazy. I just never realized I was doing that,” she said softly.

“I think you should go now.”

“Right, I’ll go. And please don’t be too harsh on him for what he did. My father has him working like a house elf so I think his debt will be paid.”

“Good. He needed to learn a lesson.”

“Okay, I’m leaving now.”

She walked past his mum and went down the stairs and out the front door. She did not care for that woman, even if what she said was probably right. It was wrong to read his journal, but if Lily was really making him crazy, she had to severely re-think everything and make up her mind firmly. She couldn’t keep playing with his heart back and forth. She was angry now, but once that wore off, was she going to allow him back into her life again? Or should she just use this as a good excuse to get him out of her life forever. Or rather, get her out of his life. It was clear she was causing him more harm than good. At least if what his mum said was any indication. She had to think long and hard about this. She wanted what was best for him. And she wasn’t sure if she and her indecisions were really that good for him. 

When she arrived home later on, Severus was just finishing up the Christmas lights. He was on a ladder and pulling the strands of lights down and neatly rolling them up. When he saw her though, he lost his balance and fell straight off the ladder into the bushes.

“Severus!”

“Ow, ow, ow!” he cried noting that he’d landed in a bunch of thorns and had popped his shoulder out of alignment.

Lily raced over to check on him.

“Oh my God, your shoulder! It’s dislocated! I’m getting Mum!”

“No, wait! I’ll be fine. I can pop it back in,” he said with a wince and with blood dripping down his good arm from where the thorns had cut him.

“I’m getting Mum. Just wait!”

She ran into the house and got her mother and they rushed outside to survey the damage.

“Oh my, that’s not good at all. Hold still. You might need a hospital to put that shoulder back.”

“No, no hospital. I’m gonna be alright. If one of you will just help me, I can do it myself,” he said wishing he could do magic because it was much easier. But he was going to do this the hard way.

Lily went up to him and her mum stood behind him. They both braced him and thrust his arm forward and felt the shoulder pop back into alignment with a loud cracking sound. He screamed out in agony, but the relief was immense once it was popped back into place.

“I’ll be fine now. Sorry to scare you,” he said waving his good arm in the air.

“Nonsense. You need to come inside and get those scrapes touched up before they get infected. Damn rosebushes. Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?” her mum asked him.

“No, I’m alright. But maybe a plaster or two to cover up some of these wounds. When I get home my mum can fix them up, so don’t go to a lot of trouble,” he said dismissively.

They led him inside the house and Lily ran to get the antiseptic and the plasters while her mum used a warm washcloth to wipe the blood off him. He had cuts on his arms and his forehead and his trousers were ripped on one leg. He was quite the mess.

“I think you’ve done enough work for one day,” her mum said, as Lily helped her clean the wounds and put plasters where needed.

“I’m not finished yet though. At least let me finish the lights. I don’t want your husband cross with me,” he said adamantly.

“Are you almost done?”

“Nearly.”

“I’ll finish it up. You just go home, alright? Let your mum fix you up,” Lily said, feeling badly once again for him.

“You don’t have to.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll do it. You go home. Can you walk home?” Lily wondered.

“Yeah, my legs are fine. Just a bit torn up. It’s my shoulder that hurts.”

“You run along home then. And don’t worry. You did a fine job with everything. Tell your mum we forgive you and your debt is paid,” her mum told him kindly.

“Thank you. Sorry for falling off the ladder. I just got distracted,” he said apologetically.

“It’s my fault. I distracted you. So I’ll finish the job,” Lily said to him.

“I’m gonna go now then, if you’re both sure,” he told them.

“Yes, it’s fine.”

“I hope your mum can fix you up,” Lily said with a small smile of truce.

He smiled back slightly.

“She will. I’ll be fine. See you later maybe.”

And with that, he took off out the door and Lily just looked at her mum.

“I felt sorry for him,” she admitted.

“I did too. Your father didn’t want him in the house, but we both know jealousy is what fueled his thievery, not the fact that he’s a bad seed,” her mum said wisely.

“I know. I always knew it was jealousy. His mum is the one who insisted he pay us back. I didn’t even want the dumb necklace. It was just that he went through my things without asking and threw it away,” Lily explained.

“Let me tell you something about men, Lily. There’s nothing that drives them crazier or to do more stupid rash things than a woman. Trust me. They lose their bloody minds. One time your father beat up a man twice his size because he called me a bad name in school. I thought for sure your father was a dead man, but his rage fueled his fight. And under normal circumstances he’d never do such a thing. Boys go insane where women are concerned. Just remember that,” her mum said comfortingly.

“I’m starting to learn that. I didn’t realize I had the power to make someone insane. Or to fall off a ladder. Or steal my necklace and throw it in a river.”

“You’re still young, but you will learn. Cut the boy a little slack. He fell off a ladder just at the sight of you. Sounds like love to me,” her mum teased her.

“I don’t know. He says he loves me.”

“Do you love him? Or do you love this other bloke with the necklace?”

“I don’t know, Mum. I think I have feelings for them both. Just different feelings. Severus is my oldest friend. I love him dearly, despite his mental retardation as of late. But James gives me butterflies when I see him. I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s a tricky one. One could say that the longest and deepest love, is the stronger one. But there’s also something to be said for those butterflies,” she said smoothing her daughters hair away from her face.

“Severus’s mum wants me to either pick him or let him go entirely. She said I was distracting him too much in his life and that if I didn’t want him, I had to let him go,” Lily told her.

“Well, she is right. It’s not good to string him along. But if you do want him, don’t listen to what anyone else says. Not even your daddy. Who we both know can’t stand him. My father hated your father too. It didn’t stop me. You just follow your heart,” she said as she leaned over and kissed her daughters forehead. “You best go finish those lights now.”

“Right. I will. Thanks Mummy. For listening to me. It helped.”

“Anytime sweetie. I’m always here.”

“Mum?”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t think you really liked Severus much either. What changed your mind?” Lily asked curiously.

Her mother sighed.

“I didn’t dislike him. I just thought perhaps you could do better. But I think he’s proven his feelings for you. Plus, he was very polite today and kind. And I had to force him to eat a sandwich. He didn’t want to take anything from us. I guess I just thought that even if he’s a bit poorer than I’d wish for you, perhaps a happy heart is more important?”

“A happy heart? Really?”

“Yes, really. Your father had nothing when we married. And we’re still not well to do. But he makes an honest enough living. It’s the love that made me marry him.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You’d do well to do that. Now hurry up with those lights,” her mum shooed her away.

“Alright.”

Severus walked home in quite some discomfort due to all his scratches and his shoulder, but he finally made it home. His mum took one look at him and became horrified.

“What happened? Did they whip you, boy? I’ll kill them! No one whips my son but me!” she said indignantly.

“No Mum, I fell off a ladder into some rose bushes. I was hoping you could mend me up a bit. I also dislocated my shoulder,” he explained.

“Dear Lord. You poor thing. Alright, let me get my wand. I’ll fix you right up,” she said hurrying off to grab her wand and supplies.

His mother was an excellent healer and had shown him how to heal wounds that even the best wizards had trouble mending. She had special potions and spells that she herself had made up. He looked up to her in that respect as she was really quite a brilliant witch. He waited for her return and she set out different potions and salves and her wand. She instructed him to remove his clothes and he shyly took them off, embarrassed for his mum to see his underthings. He wasn’t five years old anymore. But she paid no mind to it and just went to work. In no time, all his cuts were gone and she set his shoulder into a better position and proclaimed him healed. She fashioned him a sling to wear, but she said for him to go get dressed in new clothing first. So he ran up the stairs and into his room to find something else to put on. That’s when he noticed the record player sitting there like he’d never sold it. He was utterly confused. Did his mum do that? She’d never. She wanted him to pay for his crime. Then he noticed the piece of junk fake gold watch sitting on the dresser. He picked it up and examined it then tossed it back down again. He pulled on a new shirt as best he could and new trousers. Then he pulled on the socks Lily had given him and headed back down the stairs to get the sling put on.

“Mum, why are my things back in my room? Did you have a change of heart?” he asked confusedly.

“Oh that. No, it wasn’t me. It was that Lily girl. She said she felt badly you sold your things, so she bought them back. Stupid, if you ask me. But I let her in,” his mum shrugged as she slipped the sling over his head.

“Did she say anything else to you?”

“Not really. We didn’t chat much. Although I caught her snooping in your journal,” she added just to see how angry he might get.

And angry he got. He was embarrassed beyond belief, actually.

“She was reading my journal?” he asked, horrified.

“Not for long, but yes. I put a stop to it. But really, is that the kind of girl you really want?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

He thought for a moment then just shook his head.

“I had it coming I guess. She was probably snooping just like I snooped. Getting me back. But I’m mortified if she read it. She’ll never speak to me again,” he lamented.

“Would that be such a bad thing, Severus? The girl is driving you batty. Can’t make up her mind. You should just move on,” she urged him.

“Mum how do you even know any of that? Were you reading my journal too?” he asked realizing she must have.

“Well I was up there looking for contraband. It fell open,” she lied easily.

“Contraband? Like what? Shrunken heads and voodoo dolls? What exactly would I have in my room?” he asked with irritation.

“More like my wine that keeps going missing,” she told him with a dirty look.

“Oh. Well I didn’t take that! You probably just lost track,” he lied to her just as easily.

“Regardless, I think the girl is bad news. Let her go, Severus. Your life will get a lot easier if you do.”

He sat and thought about what she was saying and part of him knew she was right. Lily had done nothing except play with his emotions this entire time. One minute she was into him and the next minute she wanted to be friends. It was enough to drive a man to do stupid things like steal necklaces and possibly throw themselves into a river as well. But he loved her so much, he didn’t know how to stop. Especially when she’d gotten his stuff back. What did that mean? Did she forgive him? He wanted so badly to know, but he didn’t know what to say to her. Or when he’d see her again. He was so confused by everything. But his mum was right about one thing. The girl was driving him batty.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily finally makes a difficult choice.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

After Severus ate some soup that was leftover, he was allowed to go in his room. He figured he’d at least send Lily a thank you note for getting his stuff back. It was the least he could do. He still didn’t quite understand why she’d done it at all. But he scribbled out a note for her.

“Dear Lily, I came home to find my belongings in their rightful spots. Why did you do it? Does this mean you forgive me? I’m forever grateful and apologetic. Love, Severus.”

He attached the note to his owl and let her fly. Then she just sat and picked up his journal and wondered how much of it she actually read. There were terrible things in there not meant for her eyes. The ways she would make him feel, the longings he had. He didn’t much want his mother reading them either, but apparently there was no such thing as privacy where his journal was concerned. And he supposed he had that coming after snooping through Lily’s sock drawer. But what if she read how much he wanted to make love to her the night they spent in her bed? Would she freak out and never look at him again? Those had been private thoughts! He just hoped she didn’t have time to sit with a cup of tea and read the entire thing. The last entry was bad enough, but it was less private than others. She already knew how angry he was at himself, so it should come as no surprise he wrote about those feelings. But he shuddered to think of her reading the rest of them. But he just put the journal in the bottom of his Hogwarts trunk under some papers. That might prevent his mum from reading it at least. That wasn’t a pretty thought at all, though if she had read his deepest fantasies, she wasn’t bringing them up thank God.

He got up from the bed and put on one of his records, since he still had the pleasure of music at his fingertips. The song was sad and maudlin, but it fit his mood. He was just wondering if he’d hear back from Lily as he lay on his bed and let the music consume him.

Meanwhile at Lily’s house, she was in the same sort of maudlin mood. She kept listening to The Stone Poney’s on repeat and tears were falling from her eyes. Especially the part where it said, “we’ll both live a lot longer, if you live without me…” She decided to scribble a note to James and once and for all tell him no. A firm no. She’d explain how she had tossed the necklace in the river and that she wasn’t ready to belong to anyone. She wanted him to stop having hope, because every time she gave him hopes, she hurt Severus. And every time she gave Severus hopes, she hurt him too. She just hurt everyone. But she wrote to James.

“Dear James, I’m writing to ask you to please leave me alone. Stop alluding to our romance, as it’s not happening. I’m not ready for any boy to tie me down. And since you refused to take it back, I threw your necklace in the river. It’s gone. And I want you to stop sending me things like that. I’m not your Lily and I never will be. There has been information that has come to my attention that has drastically altered my opinions of you, as well. Is it true you still bother Severus and wanted to beat him up in a bathroom? Don’t lie to me, because he told me the truth. I can’t abide bullying. I’ve warned you before. So please stop contacting me. And no more gifts. I need space. I need time. And I need you to give me that. Sorry, Lily.”

She wiped tears out of her eyes as she read over the note, but it was exactly what she needed to tell him. And on the outside of the note she wrote the lyrics, “we’ll both live a lot longer, if you live without me…” Then she attached it to her owl and sent it off into the night. It was her first step into actually making a choice about what she wanted in her life. And right now, James wasn’t it. He was too immature, she realized. And the more Severus kept telling her about the ongoing bullying, the more she believed him. He had his reasons to lie, but she trusted him more than James or Sirius right now. So the note had to be sent. Butterflies or not, James just wasn’t the man for her right now. And maybe not ever. But if he wanted her, he’d have to do a lot more growing up.

And just when she was crying over James, Severus’s owl showed up with a note for her. She sighed and took it off the bird and read it. She didn’t know exactly how to answer it. Had she forgiven him? Not entirely. But she did feel bad for him still. However she didn’t want to lead him on any further. She couldn’t. But she owed it to him to tell him in person how she felt. So she wrote back quickly.

“Severus, I felt guilty for you losing your belongings. But I’m still upset that you did what you did. I would like to talk to you in person to work this out. Will you meet me in town tomorrow around noon at Panacotti’s sweet shop? I’ll buy you a hot chocolate and we’ll talk. Love, Lily,”

She sent the note back with his owl and sat on her bed and held her head in her hands. She wasn’t sure what to tell him, except some of what she’d told James. She wasn’t ready. But with Severus, she still wanted his friendship. She loved him enough, and they had history enough, that she still wanted his friendship and presence in her life. He meant the world to her, she realized. But she just wasn’t in love with him. Not now. And maybe not ever. Maybe something was just wrong with her? She didn’t know. But she knew now with perfect clarity that she loved Severus, it just wasn’t the kind of love he felt for her. And he had to know that so he could move on with his life. Just like James needed to know she wasn’t impressed by him and wasn’t going to be his girl. Both of these boys had to stop waiting around for her to make up her mind because it may take forever. And it wasn’t right to string them both along.

Severus received the owl back and he was excited at the prospect of meeting with her in person. That meant she was likely going to forgive him. Or throw hot chocolate in his face. Either one, really. But he kept out hope that it would be the first thing. At least she was still speaking to him. And that thought kept him warm all night realizing that maybe he hadn’t blown his chances after all.

The next day Lily wandered into town and waited for Severus outside the sweet shop. It was a sunny day, and the streets were all slushy, but if you sat in the sun, it almost felt slightly warm. She sat at a table and just closed her eyes, feeling the sun beat down on her as she tried to think of the best thing to say to him when he arrived. It wasn’t long after when he made his appearance.

“Lily,” he smiled at her.

“Severus. How is your arm?” she asked wondering if his mum had been able to fix him up.

“Oh it’s fine. A little sore, but I left the sling at home. I can manage.”

“Well let’s get some hot chocolate okay? Then we can talk,” she offered.

They went inside the shop and she ordered two hot chocolates with marshmallows in them. And then they took them outside and sat back down again.

“So I wanted to apologize again,” Severus began, but she held up her hand.

“No, it’s okay. You’ve apologized enough. I’m still a little cross with you, but it’ll pass,” she informed him.

“Okay. Good. But I really am sorry.”

“I know that. You want to hear something funny?” she asked with a sly grin.

“Always.”

“I wrote James and told him to leave me alone. I said I’d heard about his continued bullying of you and his plans in the bathroom. And then I told him I threw the necklace in the river,” she chuckled slightly.

“What? You said that to him? You told him you chucked it in the river?” he laughed along with her.

“Yes. I didn’t want to tell him it was you. And if he asked for it back, I wanted to have a good excuse as to why I couldn’t give it to him. So I lied. You’re welcome, by the way,” she said sticking her tongue out at him.

“I can’t believe you did that. Any of that. Not just telling him you’d chucked it, but standing up for me, and telling him to go away. Does this mean what I think it means?” he asked very hopefully.

“Well it means I didn’t pick James, that’s for sure.”

“So you picked me?”

“Not exactly.”

“What?”

“See, that’s why I wanted to talk to you in person. You deserve more than a kiss off letter like James got. I love you too much to just write a stupid note and be done with it. But the thing is, I didn’t choose anyone. I chose me. For real. I can’t be anyone’s girlfriend right now. And I need this time to focus on just me,” she explained to him.

“I see. Like you tried to tell me before and I kept pushing. But this means there’s still hope. Someday there could be, right?” he asked earnestly.

“Severus, I love you. I really do. But I’m not in love with you. I’m sorry. I thought I might be. Or that I could be. But I’m not. It’s not the love you deserve.”

“You may fall in love with me someday. You can’t know you won’t,” he offered desperately.

“I think that it’s not right between us. You’re like a lovely brother to me. I tried to feel the romance, and at times, it was blossoming a bit, but I think in the end I need someone in my life who gives me butterflies when I see them. If I’m going to be with a bloke, I want to be giddy with happiness over just seeing his face. I want the fairytale package. And you’re my dearest friend. That’s how I feel for you. And I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. I can’t keep leading you on. I won’t. We don’t have a romantic future, but I do hope we can be friends still,” she said hopefully.

“Friends. That’s it? Friends? Why don’t I give you butterflies? I don’t understand. You give them to me. You make me fall off ladders when I see you! How come you don’t see me that way? Aside from my indiscretion with the necklace, I’ve been good to you. Treated you well. I don’t understand,” he said shaking his head and feeling tears form in his eyes.

“It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, Severus. It’s just how I feel. You know how some people are meant to be in each other’s lives, just not romantically? I feel that’s us. We’ve known each other since we were kids. You’re very important to me. But it’s not romantic. I can’t make myself feel what I don’t feel. I thought I could. But I can’t.”

“I’m willing to wait, you know. If it takes time, I have time,” he offered.

“Severus, no. I don’t need time. I’ve told you how I feel. And I’m sorry. I just hope we can be friends still,” she pleaded with him.

He sat there and absorbed her words and he could actually feel his heart twisting into a knot. It was breaking entirely. She was never going to be his. And it wasn’t because of anything he did or didn’t do. It wasn’t even because there was another boy she liked better. It was simply because she didn’t have those feelings for him. He couldn’t fathom how he could love her so completely and she felt nothing but friendship. The whole world seemed out of balance. But what could he do? She’d made herself clear. It was never happening. Ever. And no amount of time was going to change that. He stood up from the table and wiped his eyes.

“I really have to go now. Sorry. I just have to go,” he said, turning on his heel and running away from the table.

“Wait! Don’t run!” she called after him.

He stopped momentarily but didn’t look back at her as she hurried to catch up to him.

“I don’t know if I can be with you right now, Lily,” he said softly, with tears in his eyes.

“Please don’t be that way. A few weeks ago, we had nothing together. Not even our friendship. Now we have something great. Yes, it’s not what you desired, but it’s incredibly special. Please don’t ruin it by running away,” she pleaded with him.

He turned to face her and she was stricken at how upset he looked. He really had believed he could wait for her and her mind would change. He based his whole life on that fact. And now she was telling him it’d never happen.

“I know I should be grateful for what we do have now. It is better than before. Before was dreadful. You wouldn’t even look at me. But now I just keep remembering your lips on mine. And that won’t ever happen again. It’s too much. It hurts too bad,” he admitted.

She reached over and took his hands.

“Severus, I wanted it to be you. I really did. And if I could make a choice, I think it would have been you. But I just can’t be with anyone. And I don’t want to give you these false hopes that one day I’ll fall in love. Because sometimes it’s just a matter of if you feel a thing or you don’t. And I just don’t. But I tried to! I really tried to. But please don’t let it diminish what I do feel. And that’s great love and affection for you. God, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Don’t let me lose you,” she said with her own tears in her eyes.

“Is it because I’m ugly? Is that the problem? My nose is too big and my hair is not nice. Is it my clothing? Is it my lack of money?” he asked desperately.

“No, it’s none of those things! None of them. It’s just, aren’t there girls you know at school that you like but wouldn’t date? There’s nothing wrong with them, but you just don’t feel the spark,” she explained.

“There are no other girls in my life. I don’t talk to them. And even if I did, I’d never even consider dating them. Not when I love you.”

“You’re missing my point. I just meant that sometimes you like a person, and they’re perfectly lovely, you just don’t feel a spark. The romantic fuzzy feelings. Doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the person.”

“I get it. I do get it. I’m not daft. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me that you don’t feel it, that’s all,” he told her.

“I can’t explain it. It’s just something I know. And I don’t want to be this terrible person stringing you along forever when I know my feelings won’t change,” she said.

“But see Lily, you don’t know if your feelings will change or not. No one can know that. That’s just dooming something to failure without actually knowing the future or what it might hold.”

“Severus, are you going to wake up one day and stop loving me? Will you wake up and suddenly realize I’m not the one you want?” she asked.

“No, never. I will always feel that way.”

“How do you know? If you say I can’t know, then how do you know?” she posed the question.

He just stood there contemplating her words and realized he had no good response.

“Fine, okay. You got me there. So you’re saying you’re as sure as I am that my feelings won’t change?” he sighed.

“Exactly. But that doesn’t have to spell the end for us. We could be wonderful friends. Like we used to be. Say you’ll at least give it a try,” she pleaded.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” he admitted quietly.

“Will you at least try for my sake?”

“Aright. Fine. Friends?” he offered begrudgingly.

“Friends. Now can we finish our hot chocolate?”

He sighed and walked back over to the table and sat down with her. His heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces and all he wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. But he put on his stoic face and sat there and tried to pretend the whole bottom of his world didn’t drop out. Friendship was better than nothing. He had to admit that was true. And at first, her friendship was all he was after. But the game changed when he thought he had a chance to win her over. But he had to just keep those memories and move on like they never happened. He was going to try. But it wasn’t going to be easy. He’d had a taste of something now, and it was impossible to go back to a time when he didn’t know what her lips felt and tasted like. Or what her breasts felt like in his hands. Or the way her warm body curled up next to his in bed. All of those things had happened and if possible, made him even more obsessed with her. It was like a blind man seeing for the first time and then a week later, he loses his sight again. It would have been better to never have seen at all so you’d never know what you were missing. But they sipped the hot chocolate that had gone cold and neither one of them looked at each other. Finally Lily couldn’t stand the silence.

“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” she wondered.

“Nothing. Just go home and wallow probably,” he shrugged.

“Well we can’t have that. Let’s do something. We could sled again with the bin lids? Or go window shopping. I have a little bit of money my mum gave me, maybe we could buy some sweets besides the hot chocolate?” she offered.

“No offense, but I’m not really up to it,” he admitted with a sigh.

“Oh come on. I’ll buy you a chocolate truffle. You love those.”

“You think a truffle will ease my pain?”

“No, but it won’t make it worse. I’m buying it,” she said as she got up and went inside the sweet shop, leaving him at the table to sulk in peace.

He just sat there and replayed everything over and over. He wondered if he really screwed it up by throwing the necklace away. But she seemed over that now. Maybe he just had to face facts that she just didn’t love him that way. And there wasn’t anything he did or didn’t do. It was just him that was somehow undesirable. She wasn’t even picking another boy. She would rather be alone than with him. Somehow that wasn’t as comforting as she thought it should be. She soon walked out with a small bag of sweets in hand and laid it on the table.

“I got truffles and some hazelnut crème’s and also one mango flavored lollipop. Isn’t that great?” she smiled at him.

“It’s lovely. Except I hate mango,” he said being difficult on purpose.

She stuck out her tongue at him.

“Since when? You liked it when we were twelve. I shared my mango pop with you once and you said it tasted like heaven,” she reminded him.

“I was twelve. And also mad for you. It wasn’t the mango I enjoyed, it was that you had it in your mouth first and then shared with me. That was the heaven.”

“Well, I’ll still share it with you again if you want,” she sighed.

“Just give me my truffle,” he said with a slight smile, trying to cheer up and not be so moody, lest she change her mind altogether and just ditch him completely.

She handed over the truffle and he bit into it and had to admit it was damn good. It didn’t really ease his pain, but her smile at watching him eat it, did a little. He wanted Lily to be happy. And apparently this made her happy. Being with him as friends. He had to accept that. So he just smiled back and admitted it was very tasty.

“See, I told you a chocolate would help cheer you up. Now you’re smiling. We could still have fun today, you know. I’m still up for makeshift sledding,” she offered.

“Alright. If that’s what you really want to do,” he shrugged.

They gathered their sweets and finished off the cold chocolate drinks and set off towards their special spot. They walked in silence and Severus kept his distance from her and just looked at his feet.

“You realize, I don’t have a special spot with anyone else. Just you. I mean, there’s no one else I’d ever say, ‘let’s go to our spot’ and they’d know what I meant. It’s like our secret spot,” she smiled at him warmly.

“It’s not so secret really. It’s near the park. But there’s not a lot of children around anymore to play there,” he pointed out.

“But still. It’s our spot. It’s special. We spent so much time there. I love that we have it all to ourselves.”

“It is special, I guess. And I like you don’t have any special spots with anyone else.”

“Should we find some bin lids to swipe?” she asked as they walked through a neighborhood near his to get to the spot.

“Yeah, hopefully no one will notice,” he said grabbing up two lids and running off. She chased after him and they ran almost the entire way until Lily got out of breath and was laughing too hard to go on.

“Stop! I can’t run anymore. I think we got away with it,” she informed him.

He handed her a lid and smiled.

“I just wanted to see how far you could run.”

“You’re awful. I’m all sweaty now,” she said peeling off her gloves and shoving them in her pockets.

“Let’s get sledding.”

He led the way and soon they were at the clearing where the hill was. They both sat on their lids and swooshed down to the bottom. They kept repeating it over and over, and Severus had to admit it was still fun. He was still with her. He just couldn’t kiss her anymore. Once they tired of sledding, they sat back down under their tree just like the first time they did it. Lily got out the mango lollipop and unwrapped it and stuck it in her mouth.

“Mmm…you’re missing out,” she said relishing the taste of her candy.

“Give me some then,” he said holding out his hand.

She handed over the sucker and he put it in his mouth. It tasted like mangos and Lily. It was heavenly. Even if he’d pick cherry as a flavor instead. But he enjoyed the way it was almost like kissing her again, before he handed it back to her.

“So do you think when we get back to school again, people will give us a hard time for being friends? I mean, I worried about what would happen if we were a couple, but even being friends is bound to raise some eyebrows,” she said thoughtfully.

“I don’t much care, I don’t think. I reckon your mates will have the toughest time. Seeing as how they still love to taunt me,” he sighed.

“And James got a huge kiss off from me. He’s going to be really sore over that one,” she giggled slightly.

“Good. He should be. Serves him right for what he and Sirius were going to do to me.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I wish I had known. I was a fool. I hadn’t seen them go after you or anyone else, and they said they’d matured. Bollocks. I can’t believe I believed them,” she said sourly.

“I can’t speak to them not messing with other people, but they still mess with me. Mind you, since they heard of my spell, they have toned it down. But fear will do that to a person,” he said somewhat smugly at the idea of James and Sirius being afraid of him.

“I wish everyone could just get along,” she lamented.

“Life doesn’t work that way,” he told her, grabbing the lollipop again and having another taste.

“I know it doesn’t. But I did make a choice, Severus. It wasn’t the choice I thought I was going to make, but I did choose you, in a way. I chose your friendship over theirs. That has to mean something to you, doesn’t it?” she asked, taking back her pop.

He thought on it for a moment, then he smiled slightly.

“Yes, it means something. I just hope you’ll really not be friends with them. I worry that once we get back to school, they’ll draw you back in with their wily charms. Not that I think they have charms, but everyone else seems to think they do,” he noted.

“They do have charms. It’s true. But not so many that I’ll overlook their behavior. No, they’ll honestly have to change before I’ll give them the time of day again,” she said firmly.

“I don’t know what took you so long to decide that part. It should have been easy. Don’t be friends with bullies. Especially when their favorite target is someone you claim to love. Even just as friends,” he pointed out.

“Well sue me. I was angry at you. Really super angry. And I did ask them to stop, but at first I know it was just worse than before because they were defending my honor or something. But then I asked them to lay off, and I swore I thought they did. I’m not always around them!” she defended herself.

“It’s fine. But I trust this time you won’t think I deserve it.”

“I never really thought you deserved it. I just didn’t care for a while. I was too angry.”

“I get why you were angry. I deserved the anger. But did it really take a year and a half to forgive me?” he wondered, snatching the lollipop back again.

“No, it didn’t take that long. But I thought you hated me. You never tried to apologize really. You just sort of ignored me. So I ignored you. So I’m the one who should be asking, what took you a year and half to apologize?” she said with a raised eyebrow.

“I tried to before but you kept walking away! And then when James would get on me, you didn’t stop it, so I figured you were one of them. The enemy. So then I did just ignore you. But I always plotted ways in my head of how and when I’d be able to say sorry. I wanted to give you enough time to cool down,” he explained.

“Cool down? Well a year and a half was a long time to cool down. But I get it. We both just ignored each other because we thought the other person hated us. Makes sense. Stupid of both of us, but I get it. But I was never your enemy. Far from it. I was just sad and hurt. But it’s okay now. I understand that it was a slip of the tongue. An atrocious one, but I know now you didn’t mean it. But what would you do if one of your friends said the same to me? Would you defend me or just stay quiet?” she wondered, taking back her lollipop.

“Of course I’d defend you.”

“Really?”

“Really. Would you defend me if James or one of his cronies says something or does something to me?” he wondered.

“Yes. I would say something. I wouldn’t tolerate it.”

“Then I guess we have our answers as to how to handle what people think of us being friends. It’s not so strange really. Just because you’re a Gryffindor and I’m a Slytherin doesn’t mean it’s against the rules to be friends. Sometimes people take house rivalry too far,” he lamented.

“I agree. I have friends who are Hufflepuff’s. It’s just normally Gryffindor’s and Slytherin’s just hate each other.”

“Well I don’t hate you,” he smiled.

“I don’t hate you either. But I do still sort of hate the people you hang around with. You know, I’m willing to back away from my old friends for your sake. Are you willing to back away from yours?” she asked.

“I said I’d defend you against them.”

“I know, but will you back away? I don’t like the dark spells or the people you make them up with. I worry about you, Severus. The Dark Arts are just one step away from joining You Know Who. I don’t want that for you,” she said with some concern.

“Not this again,” he rolled his eyes and looked up at the sky. “Stop worrying about me. I’m a big boy. I know what I’m doing. And doing some spells for fun or to see if I can do it makes me a brilliant wizard and talented. Not evil. Not all spells are shooting rainbows out of a wand. I’m making defensive spells. Useful spells. Things that you could really put to use in the war or something,” he said protectively.

“I guess I can see the benefit of them, but still. I don’t much care for the dark nature. It upsets me. But I realize you can’t defeat a powerful foe by throwing a goldfish at him like I can conjure up. So in that respect, I get it. I’m just not entirely certain your friends have such noble intent,” she remarked.

“I don’t care about their intent. I’m telling you mine. So that’s all that should matter.”

“True. Okay,” she relented. Then she handed over the remains of the lollipop. “You want the rest?”

“Nah, you have it. I’ve had enough for now.”

She crunched it up and swallowed what was left and then tossed the stick on the ground. Severus saw it and picked it up and put it in his pocket.

“Why’d you put that yucky thing in your pocket?” she asked with a small laugh.

“Because it’s not good to litter,” he said with a shrug.

But the truth was, he wanted to keep the stick because it had been in Lily’s mouth. He knew that made him insane and crossed over some weird line, but he didn’t really care at this point. Things like old lollipop sticks were the only reminders he had now of touching her lips with his. If there ever was a more pathetic person on earth, he couldn’t think of one to rival himself at this moment.

They finally got too cold and it was getting late, so they set off back towards home. They parted ways at the house where they got the bin lids and then Lily went her way, and he went his. No hugs or kisses goodbye. Just two friends parting ways with a small smile on their face. But Severus’s smile faded pretty quickly once she was out of sight. He still wasn’t happy in the slightest. He knew he should be, but he wasn’t. The whole thing had been such a long shot anyway, he didn’t know why he was even surprised. He knew going in that he probably had no chance with her, yet so many of the things they’d done and the signals she’d given him, were telling him he was wrong. That he did have a chance. But he should have known it was futile to dream of such a thing. Lily would never be his. But he’d never stop loving her. And in Severus’s mind, that was tragically beautiful in some way, but he realized in most others eyes, it’d just seem pathetic. But how do you stop loving someone? He didn’t know. And he knew that at least for now, he wasn’t going to stop dreaming that someday she’d wake up. He had to live with that tiny little hope, even if it was tragically misguided. It was the only way he’d be able to sleep at night. It was the only way he’d be able to live and not feel like he’d lost everything. Because he hadn’t really lost her. She was still there. She was just his friend. But one day, she might see him in another light, no matter what she said. He had to hold onto that or else he feared he’d die. 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus try to remain friends and have fun, but it's difficult for Severus.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

A few days went by and the end of the holiday was rapidly approaching. They only had one more day until it was back on the train and back to Hogwarts. Lily had tried to make the most of it by owling Severus back and forth to try and show that she still was interested in his friendship. But his replies were always so lackluster and he kept asking when he’d see her again. So they made a plan to meet up one last time before the holiday was over and Lily had brought some fun surprises with her to their favorite spot. It was her turn to plan the fun day and she’d brought ice skates and her mother’s portable eight track player with an array of decent musical selections they could skate to. The pond was frozen pretty good and as long as they didn’t venture too far out, she reckoned they’d be fine. She just hoped that her father’s skates fit Severus’s feet. She wouldn’t know until he showed up. Which was taking longer than she hoped, but he finally arrived a little out of breath and she could tell he’d been running to make it.

“Sorry. My mum started being annoying right before I left. She wanted me to help her clean the fireplace. I told her I’d do it later, but she was insistent. She didn’t even need my help anyway since she just did a spell to clear it out, but ashes got everywhere, which she made me clean by hand ” he said apologetically.

“It’s okay. Except you have soot in your hair,” she said running her fingers through it to try and clear the ash away.

He quickly wiped at his head and shook it out which just made his hair messier. She couldn’t help but laugh.

“Now you look like you’ve been in a wind storm,” she said smoothing it down.

He relished her touch, but he kept trying not to read too much into it. It didn’t mean anything, her touching his hair. But it meant something to him that she’d want him to look presentable. But he quickly noted the skates she had sitting by the tree.

“Are we skating?” he wondered curiously, picking up the larger pair.

“I hope so. I brought my father’s skates for you. I hope they fit,” she said with a smile.

“I hope they do too. And what’s this thing?” he asked, picking up the portable eight track player.

“It’s music! You can play it anywhere. You just pop the cassette thing in and it’s like magic. No record player needed.”

“I’ve only seen these in cars. I didn’t know you could carry it around with you,” he smiled.

“It was the wave of the future about ten years ago when my mum bought it. It’s old, but it still works good. And she had some halfway decent music. The Eagles, The Beatles, Barry Manilow…” she listed off the cartridges she had in her bag.

“Barry Manilow? That’s considered decent music?” he chuckled slightly.

“Oh come on. No one sings a love ballad like him. Don’t you like Mandy?”

“Not especially, no.”

“Spoil sport. I love that song.”

“I heard it was written about a dog.”

“Liar, it was not. It was written about a girl. I heard him say so on the radio. The dog thing is just a myth.”

“Fine, play it if you must. But I don’t even know if these skates fit yet,” he said with a sigh as he sat down on a rock and took off his grungy old shoes and tried to replace them with the skates.

“So, do they fit?” she asked, as she laced up her own skates.

“Yeah, they fit enough. A little bit cramped at the toe and extra wide everywhere else. Your dad has short fat feet,” he laughed.

“You just have long skinny feet. But are they wearable at all?” she fretted.

“Yeah, yeah. I can wear them. My toes are just a little squished is all. No worries,” he said finishing the laces and standing up.

She finished hers as well and then she popped the eight track into the player and chose the Eagles instead of Manilow to make him happier. Then she set the volume up full blast and they both hobbled out onto the ice together. Once there, they immediately began skating in small circles, both laughing at the sensation of gliding along the ice.

“This is great. I wish I’d thought to bring skates before,” she told him with a grin.

“Me too, actually,” he admitted thinking it could have been very romantic at one point, but now that time had passed.

“This song is one of my favorites. Hotel California. Don’t you love it?” she said excitedly as the music blared.

“It’s pretty good, yeah. I don’t get it though. What’s it about? Hell?” he asked curiously.

“I don’t know exactly. Maybe? It’s just so smooth and makes me wanna lie on a bean bag chair and smoke some more grass,” she giggled.

He skated up to her and poked her side.

“Shut up about doing more grass shit. That stuff will fry your brain,” he teased her.

“Nah, that’s LSD. I’d never do that. I’d be way too scared. Wouldn’t you?” she asked, poking him in the side right back.

“Ouch! And yes I’d be too scared. I don’t like to be totally out of control of my mind. Anyone who would like that must be crazy,” he lamented.

“I like control of my mind too. But you know the marijuana was fun. It was like I was me, only better. It’s hard to describe. It’s not much different than drinking really,” she pointed out.

“I’d still never do it. But I think it’s kind of funny that you did. I wish I was there so I could have seen how you acted,” he chuckled slightly.

“Oh, it would have been boring I think. I mostly just stared at stuff and tried to tell stories but then I’d forget what I was talking about,” she told him.

“You’d forget what you were talking about?”

“Yes. I’d just be rambling on and then stop and think, what am I talking about? And have no idea. In that respect, I suppose it was funny. But the Muggles I was with weren’t paying a whole lot of attention to me. They were all too stoned themselves.”

“I still think it’s crazy you met random Muggles and did that. Where were your folks?” he wondered idly.

“They were gone. They’d left for a weekend getaway and left Petunia in charge of me. Except she wanted friends over and told me to get the hell out of the house. So I wandered into town and there they were in their VW Bus. I just said hello and suddenly they invited me to get high. It was all very surreal. And they were much older. Probably twenty. But they were just passing through town and said we could chill and hang and it’d be far out. So I said why not?”

“Now you’re talking like one of those hippie people. You’re too much, Lily. Sometimes you surprise me,” he admitted as he skated past her and grabbed her arm and yanked her with him.

“I told you once that you didn’t know all there was to know about me. You claimed to know all my secrets, but I can be surprising sometimes,” she said as she let him pull her along the frozen pond.

“You’re right, I don’t know all your secrets. But you’ve told me most of them haven’t you?” he asked curiously.

“Yep. I have. But it’s really not so strange I met up with the hippies. I’m friendly and they were super friendly and I dunno. Seemed like a wicked thing to do,” she shrugged.

“What if they were crazy hippies? What if they kidnapped you? What if they forced you to tour after the Grateful Dead with them?” he proposed, twirling her around in a circle and then letting her go.

“Well if that had happened, I guess you would have missed me at Hogwarts because I would have been in a Volkswagen going to see the Grateful Dead. I can think of worse fates,” she smiled at him.

“You really are a bit crazy sometimes. I love it,” he smiled at her.

“Thanks. At least I’m not really as boring as everyone thinks I am. You realize most people think I’m a goody two shoes and a priss. I so am not. I just am rarely naughty and I believe in having some rules. But I also break rules like crazy too. You kind of have to be willing to go with the flow when you’re friends with James and the gang,” she tossed out.

“Except you’re not friends with them anymore, right?” he asked whizzing past her.

“No, I’m not. For the time being anyway. They’re gonna have to show me real changes. I told you that. It’s just in the past, they do love to get into trouble. There’s so much you don’t even know about what they do, except that it doesn’t hurt anyone,” she informed him.

“Like what for example?”

“Well they have this map of the castle. It’s really quite amazing. It shows all the secret passages and ways to sneak out undetected,” she explained.

“A map? What kind of map? Where’d they get it?” he inquired.

“I can’t tell you. It’s secret. I’m not even supposed to know about it but I saw them with it. But I swore myself to secrecy. Besides, I think it got taken away. That’s what I was told.”

“Sounds boring to me. So what if they know secret passageways out of the castle. Any sixth year does if they have half a brain. I can get in and out whenever I want to. I just never have real reason to go sneaking about,” he scoffed.

“Well trust me, it’s more exciting than it sounds. But whatever. They’re not in my life right now. And they don’t know any of my secrets. Only you do,” she smiled as she grabbed his arm again and whirled them around together.

“Only me. I like the sound of that,” he smiled.

“You’re my best friend, Severus. You always will be,” she grinned back.

He stopped their skating momentarily and just looked in her eyes. Then he held himself back from kissing her, as he knew it was against the rules now. He let her go and skated away from her again, leaving the kiss hanging.

“Aren’t I your best friend too?” she asked, still standing still where he’d left her, and she knew he wanted to kiss her but didn’t.

“Of course you are,” he said flippantly, not wanting to reveal any more of his futile longings with her.

“If you know secret passageways in the castle we could meet in them and have secret talks. Wouldn’t that be fun?” she asked trying to lighten the mood.

“Sure. We could do that. And then no one would see us together. Isn’t that more what you mean?” he asked with a tinge of bitterness in his voice.

“That’s not at all what I said or implied. I just meant we could do sneaky secret stuff. I’m not saying I’m gonna hide from everyone,” she informed him.

“But I can’t help but think that’s how it’ll be. You’ll want to hide it. You won’t want the world knowing you’re still friends with Severus Snape, the greasy loser with the big nose and bad reputation. You think I don’t hear what people say about me?” he informed her as he stopped skating and just stood and looked at her.

“Severus, I don’t care what they say. I never did before,” she told him.

“Yeah, but that was before you were Lily the Great. One of the cool people. You haven’t been my friend since you upgraded to better friends. At least in the eyes of your school mates. Before no one knew who you were really. But now they all do. And they know me too.”

“So you think I’m a liar then when I say we’ll be friends?” she put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

“No, I’m not saying you’re lying. Just that it might be more difficult for you than for me.”

“Well it won’t be. I’ve never much cared what people thought. I mean, yes, I did panic at what my friends would think at first. But then you made me see they weren’t really my friends. Not with the way they were acting. But I think if they knew I was friends with you again, they’d lay off. That’s what I’m hoping,” she said earnestly.

“You’re living in a dream world, Lily. They aren’t going to change,” he said with frustration.

“You don’t know that!”

“Ugh, you know what? My feet hurt now. I’m done skating.”

He stepped off the ice and trudged up the hill to get his real shoes back on. Lily just stood on the ice for a moment not knowing what it was she said or did wrong this time. Severus was just way too moody sometimes. She finally got off the ice and picked up her music player and switched it off. Then she lumbered up the hill trying not to twist her ankle in the skates.

“What is your problem?” she asked with annoyance as she stood and watched him put his shoes back on.

“Nothing is my problem. I just hate that the conversation always circles back to James and the gang. You’re mad at them right now, but you fully plan to make up with them at some point. You think that just because you’re my friend, they’ll stop bothering me and we’ll all live happily together. But that’s not gonna happen. Ever. I don’t want to live happily with them. I hate them. And they hate me. End of story,” he said heatedly.

“I just want everyone to get along. Is that so terrible?” she asked with tears in her eyes.

“No it’s not terrible. It’s just misguided. They’ll never like me. And I’ll never like them.”

“Great, so then I just get to be caught in the middle forever?” she lamented sadly.

“I thought you were done with them? Wasn’t that the whole point? God, you’re so annoying sometimes! I don’t know what you think is gonna happen tomorrow when we get back on that train, but it’s not going to be warm and fuzzy. James is angry at you, and as soon as he sees me, he’ll get angrier. And don’t even get me started on what the rest of them will do since they follow James so blindly. You’re not honestly thinking it’s going to be fun and hugs and games just because you say, ‘hey Sevvy’s my friend now!’?”

“No! I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. But yes, I expected them to accept my decision. Otherwise they’ll lose me for good,” she said with her head held high.

“Oh no! Lily’s not our friend anymore! Whatever will we do?” he said mockingly. “Do you think they really care that much about you? No. They don’t. I did, but they don’t. So don’t go expecting miracles.”

She felt tears prick her eyes again and she wiped them away furiously. She ripped off her skates and put her own shoes back on.

“You don’t have to be so damn mean about it! You act like they could give a shit less what I think or what I want. But you don’t even know them! James would care. He does care. And they’ll listen to me!” she said angrily.

“Fine, fine. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I just fear that you’re picking me now, but when everyone shuns you because of it, you’ll have a change of heart. That’s what I fear, Lily. The actuality of what’s going to happen. You’re off in la-la land talking about smoking grass and hugs and puppies, and I’m living in the real world. The world where people won’t accept me at all. Much less you and me together, in any capacity. We’re safe now in our little world of snow and ice and portable music players. But tomorrow on that train? It won’t be like this. Trust me. And I don’t think you’re ready for it,” he said seriously.

“You know what? You’re more trouble than you’re worth. Nothing makes you happy! Nothing!” she shouted at him.

“You know what made me happy? Us together. But that’s not happening now. So yeah, I’m pretty hard to please. Sorry about that. It’s a side effect of getting my heart hammered to pieces by the girl I love,” he shot back.

“Oh stop it. If I had picked you and said we were together, we’d still be having this same goddamn argument wouldn’t we? And don’t tell me I’m wrong, because I know you too well. You’d still be freaking out and not trusting me and I’d still be trying to convince you it was okay. That everyone will come around. But the truth is, you just want me all to yourself. No one else in my life but you. No friends, no boyfriends, no nothing. Just you. And Severus, that’s never going to happen. I have a life. I have people. And you’re the most important one to me, but you refuse to believe that. And I won’t sit here and coddle you and promise to run off with only you just so you can have me all to yourself. Grow up. And for God’s sake, get over it already!” she yelled at him, then gathered her stuff and stormed off away from him.

He watched her storm off and he instantly regretted the entire conversation. He was far more bitter than he realized. But the truth came slipping out. And not just his truths, but the truth about him. She was right. Nothing would make him happy. And they would still be having this same damn argument. He was an idiot and he knew it. So he got up and ran after her.

“Wait! Lily! I’m sorry!” he said trotting up behind her.

“Save it. I’m so sick of you making me feel bad about my choice in friends or what I think or feel or don’t feel. I’m just tired of trying to make you happy when everything I say is wrong somehow,” she said tearfully.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m a foolish man. And a selfish one. I do want you all to myself. It’s true. I want to stay here, in Spinners End, just the two of us, forever. No one else intruding. But I know that’ll never happen. It’s me who’s living in the dream world, not you. And I realize that now. So I’m sorry,” he said sincerely.

“Severus, you’ll never have me all to yourself no matter what. Even if I felt romantically towards you, there would still be other people in my life. It’s not healthy to even want a person locked in a tower somewhere. You must realize that,” she said imploringly.

“I know that. It’s just if I have you here with me, no one else can ruin it. And I worry they will. Not just your friends, but everyone. And if it gets ruined, I don’t know what to do,” he admitted.

“It won’t be ruined. You said yourself before that you’d deal with any obstacles. That we both would. What happened to that person?” she wondered.

“He got his heart broken. I was much more confident when I thought you might love me. I thought maybe someday it would just be the two of us against the world. But that all changed. And now I’m worried,” he said with tears forming in his eyes.

“Please don’t be. You just have to be strong. And tomorrow we’ll get on that train together and everyone else will just have to deal with it. Because you’re my friend. You’ll always be my friend. And I love you. And I won’t let anyone tear us apart. Will you?” she asked as she put down her things and grabbed his hands and held them tightly.

He shook his head.

“No.”

“Then stop worrying.”

“I can’t. I feel like I’m going to lose you. Lose this. All of this. And I don’t want to,” he said tearfully.

“You have to trust me,” she said kissing his hand.

“You swear you’ll not cave into the pressure and abandon me,” he asked her.

“I swear it. And you have to swear that you’ll not cave either,” she said taking his face in her hands and holding it tightly.

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

And with that she leaned over and kissed him softly, then pulled back and smiled.

“One last kiss.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. I just want you to believe in me.”

“I do.”

“Alright so stop all this bitching and complaining,” she smirked at him.

“Why do you put up with me?” he wondered curiously.

“Because I know the real you. I’ve seen it. All this other nonsense is your front. Your defenses. And boy, you don’t want to get on your bad side. I just wish you’d not direct it at me when I don’t think it’s me you’re really angry with,” she informed him.

“Then who am I angry with then?”

“The world. Not me. Everyone else. Maybe even yourself a little. But not me.”

He listened to her words and they held great weight for him. She was right. He was angry at the world and at himself. It wasn’t really her, it was everything else. She was just a sitting target. And he had to stop taking his anger out on the one person who actually cared about him.

“I’m sorry again. I really am. You’re right. About it all. About me. You’re right.”

“Come on. Let’s go back to our spot and finish out our fun afternoon okay? It’s our last one. We barely got started,” she urged him as she tried to pull him along with her.

“I don’t want to skate anymore though because my feet did hurt,” he warned her.

“Okay, no skating. Just talking and listening to music. Sound good?”

“Alright. Sounds good.”

“But no talking about tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Just live in the now with me.”

“Live in the now. Got it.”

“Okay, let’s go have some fun!”

She dragged him back to the tree and threw the skates down and pulled the eight track player out from under her arm and put it on the ground. Then she popped in the Barry Manilow and made him listen to it just for spite. But it was in good fun. And he knew it. She even made him sing along to Mandy since it was the only song he actually knew. She put her arm around him and urged him to sing his heart out.

“Happy people pass my way, I see a memory, I never realized how happy you made me, oh Mandy! You came and you gave without taking. But I sent you away, oh Mandy! You kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today oh Mandy!” they both sang and tried not to laugh. Then she looked over at him.

“This is totally your song, Severus. You could have wrote this. But it’d say ‘Oh Lily’,” she giggled.

“Shut up. I would never write such a terrible song. And I still think it’s about a dog.”

“It is not! And you gotta admit the part about sending me away is almost exactly what you did today,” she reminded him.

“Fine, so I can relate to Manilow a little bit. But whoever Mandy is should have realized he was an idiot and come back to him. Like you did,” he pointed out.

“Not every woman is so forgiving.”

“True.”

“Oh Lily, will you kiss me and stop me from shaking?” he sang to her sarcastically.

She shoved him.

“No way. I said one last kiss, and I meant it.”

“I was just joking.”

“I know. But still.”

“Why did you kiss me? Even one last time?”

She shrugged.

“Felt like the thing to do.”

“Well whenever you feel like doing that, let me know, because I’ll let you,” he smiled slightly.

“I’ll remember that,” she smiled back.

Then the two of them just sat and talked and didn’t bring up any unpleasant topics and no one got angry and no one stormed off. It was exactly how Lily had hoped their last day would be like. And she didn’t want to admit that she was nervous too about tomorrow and the train ride. It wasn’t just him who was worried. But she was trying to be brave and strong and just go her own way. And if she wanted to be friends with Severus, she would be. But inside she was nervous. It was going to upset a lot of people. Even people who shouldn’t care less. Maybe Severus had the right idea just staying here at their spot forever? But she also knew that’s not how she wanted to live her life. She wanted a full rich life with family and friends and someday a boyfriend. She had to be brave and strong and just face the crowd and not back down. Just like she made him promise to do. Only it was a lot easier to promise something than to actually experience it. But she was up for the challenge. She had to be. His friendship was too important to lose.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's back to school time. Will Severus and Lily be able to remain friends without other people interfering?

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

The next day on the train was the moment of truth they’d both been dreading and waiting for. Lily arrived first and didn’t see Severus at all in all the mayhem of students and their families saying goodbye and getting their things in order. Lily herself was caught up in kissing her parents goodbye and her mum not wanting to let her go again. This happened every year. But Lily kept reminding her that in a few months she’d be home again for the summer. But by the time she got onto the train, she was searching for Severus. He had to be on the train somewhere. She walked through and peeked her head into the car up front where most of the Slytherin’s would gather, but he wasn’t in there. And then she found a few girlfriends she knew and said a quick hello to them, before moving on. Then she passed by the car where James and all his friends were. Her heart fluttered and she instantly got insanely nervous and just tried to ignore them. But James wasn’t having any of that. He got up and opened the door and called to her.

“Lily! We’re in here. Come sit with us,” he urged her.

She turned to face him.

“No. I’m not sitting with you guys. I told you in my letters that I was angry at you and Sirius and that hasn’t changed,” she informed him.

“Oh come on. Don’t be angry about that. So what if we were going to rough up Snivelly a little? It’s not like you’re friends with him anymore. He just told you that to get us in trouble. He’s making it sound worse than it was,” he said dismissively.

“Yes, well, I still don’t like it. And if you must know, I made up with Severus. He’s my friend again now. So you’d do well to stop calling him Snivelly or any other colorful names you have for him,” she said haughtily.

“Friends with him? Are you nuts? He’s crazy. And possibly evil. Have you lost your mind? Besides he’s a complete spaz,” James scoffed.

“He’s not any of those things. You don’t even know him! So please just go back to your train car and leave me alone. I’m trying to find him,” she said turning on her heel and leaving James in the dust.

He just stood there dumbfounded, unable to believe his ears. What on earth would make her be friends with that loser again? He didn’t understand one bit. And she’d choose to sit with him instead of James and everyone else? Clearly Lily had lost her mind. But he just went back inside the train car and sat down.

“So where’s Lily?” Sirius asked his friend.

“Don’t even ask. She’s gone mental. She doesn’t want to sit with us,” James sighed.

“Why not?” Remus wondered, totally unaware of the bathroom plot.

“Oh, just because of some stunt Sirius and I cooked up but never followed through on, mind you. Her knickers are in a twist and she’s actually saying she’s friends with Snivelly again. It’s obvious Santa brought her a brain transplant over the holiday,” James said sorely.

“Snivelly? But she hates him,” Peter chimed in.

“Right mate, she hates him. What gives?” Sirius wondered with open mouthed shock.

“Guess she doesn’t hate him anymore. Don’t ask me why,” James shook his head.

“Maybe he’s got her under a spell? Or a love potion?” Remus offered.

“Nah, she didn’t say she loved him, just that they were friends again. And that apparently she’d rather be with him than us.”

“Sounds like a spell to me. The Imperius Curse! I bet that’s it,” Sirius agreed with Remus.

“I don’t know, but you better believe I’m going to find out,” James muttered unhappily.

Meanwhile, Lily was still going through the train cars until she finally found Severus sitting alone reading a book. She smiled and opened the door and sat herself down across from him.

“There you are. I’ve been looking for ages,” she told him happily.

“Yeah? I wasn’t hiding. Exactly. I just figured it was safer in the last car where no one was really.”

“Safer from what?”

“Prying eyes.”

“You really think people will care that much? I just saw James and he didn’t even put up much of a fight. I just walked away. Easy as pie,” she told him happily.

“Right. Easy as pie. You think that’s the end of it? The train hasn’t even left the station yet. It’s not gonna be easy as pie,” he informed her. “Plus, I saw some of my friends and I had to make an excuse why I wasn’t sitting with them. Told them I had to study for an extra credit assignment.”

“And they bought that?”

“I guess. I just walked away. But I think they find me mental for studying instead of enjoying my last few hours of freedom. But it’s not entirely out of character for me. Sometimes I choose to be alone. They understand that,” he explained.

“Well I just told James I was still angry at him and that I was friends with you again, so he better stop calling you names,” she told him.

“I bet that really put him in his place,” Severus said sarcastically.

“Hey, it did! He didn’t even know what to say to me,” she shot back.

“He’ll think of something.”

“Well I, for one, am choosing not to worry about it. I’m here with my friend and I’m happy. So tough shit whoever doesn’t like it,” she said indignantly and sat back in her seat.

Once the train started moving, they both felt relief that no one else had come back there and tried to sit with them. Not that they thought anyone would, but deep down they were both expecting trouble. But it didn’t come. At least not until later on when James and Sirius decided they’d had enough of this rubbish with Lily and Severus being friends again. It made no logical sense. And she’d ditched them in favor of that whiny little sack of shit. They weren’t going to take that lying down. So they made their way through the train until they happened upon their car. They stopped short when they found them sitting there laughing about something, which just made James’s blood boil more. He threw open the car door and he and Sirius tumbled inside.

Sirius sat down next to Severus and James sat next to Lily. They both put their arms around both of them, which caused Lily and Severus to bristle and try and squirm out of their grasp.

“So, Sevvy, you and Lil’s huh? Friends again? That’s not one I saw coming,” James said with a smug look on his face.

“Yeah, you got her under a spell or a love potion, Sevvy? Because I’m guessing that’s the only way she’d ever sit with you or give you the time of day,” Sirius patted Severus on the chest a little too hard.

“Will you both just leave?” Lily asked them as she tried to peel James’s arm off her shoulder.

“We’re not leaving until we get to the bottom of this,” Sirius informed her, grabbing Severus even tighter and shaking him a bit. “So what is it? A potion or a spell?” Sirius asked him again.

“It’s neither. I don’t need potions or spells to make Lily like me. But maybe you two do?” Severus shot back at them.

“Lily he called you a Mudblood. Don’t you even remember that? I thought you hated his guts?” James asked her.

“I did. But he apologized. And really, it was stupid to be angry for so long over a dumb word. I forgave him,” she shrugged.

“Just like that? You’re really warped if you want to be friends with this thing. Do you even know why we wanted to beat him up in the bathroom huh? You never asked,” James told her.

“I didn’t have to ask. Severus told me. He said you just wanted to be mean and hurt him but that you got scared when you learned about his spell that he made,” she explained.

“Ah, a half-truth. I love it. Nice one, Sevvy. No, you see, we heard about the spell and wanted to kick his ass for threatening to use it on us—unprovoked. He said he wanted to practice it out. So we planned to beat the shit out of him before he could do it. But in the end, it was too risky. So we didn’t do it. We just stayed away. It was him who chickened out. He’s all talk anyway,” James told Lily, as he gave Severus a dirty look.

“Is this true, Severus? Is what he said true?” she asked feeling suddenly foolish for believing in him.

“No it’s not true! They were coming after me first. It wasn’t the other way around. They’re liars!”

“No it’s you who is a liar. You think it will win you points with Lily? It won’t. Because we three know the truth, and she doesn’t. Until now. And our story is the true one,” Sirius said to him squeezing his shoulders very tightly before releasing him.

“Severus, who is telling the truth?” Lily asked with confusion.

“I am! They’re just trying to make me look bad,” he implored her.

She didn’t know what to think. She trusted all of them and someone was lying. She just didn’t know who it was.

“Lil’s why would we lie? We never told you about it because I knew you still had a soft spot somewhere in there for this greaseball. And nothing ever came of it. But I’m telling the truth. He wanted to hurt us and we were just going to hurt him first. We don’t have spells that cut people to shreds at our fingertips, but he does. Why is that? Did you ever stop to wonder why he’d create such a hideous spell unless he planned on doing some serious damage with it? And who do you think he’d come after first huh?” James reasoned with Lily.

“I don’t know who to believe!” she said with exasperation.

“Believe me. I’m the one who never lies to you,” Severus told her.

“We don’t lie either,” Sirius piped up.

Lily just held her head in her hands and shook it back and forth. It was too much information and she didn’t know who was the liar. But someone was. And her first instinct was to trust Severus, but what if he really had lied?

“Just go away, you two. Leave us alone. I’m not sure I care who’s lying. Either way the plot didn’t happen. So I don’t care,” she said desperately.

“Well then if you don’t care, come back and sit with us. Stop sitting with this loser. Come back where you belong,” James urged her.

“She belongs here with me. I seem to recall her giving you the kiss off. That’s what she told me. Threw your fancy Christmas present in a bloody river, didn’t she?” Severus tossed out to hurt James.

“She told you that?”

“Yes. She tells me everything. We spent the holiday together. Pity you were so far away. I was right there. The whole time. Lily and I had some fun memories. I remember she kissed me for my Christmas present…”

“You kissed him?” James and Sirius both shouted out with disgust at the same time.

“Yes, I kissed him! So what? We’re friends. It’s not a big thing,” she waved it away. “And Severus now you’re just trying to be mean. So shut up. Our holiday was between us!”

“What? I can’t tell them? You never said it was a secret. How about the night I spent in your bed? Or the kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve? Or should I tell them about the thing in the snow with my hands on—“

“Shut up! Don’t say another word. You’re just trying to upset everyone now!” she yelled at him.

“Kisses, sleeping in your bed? And where exactly were his hands?” James asked with major distaste and shock.

“It’s nothing. None of it meant anything. It was an experiment! But it failed. Badly. It doesn’t matter,” she said adamantly.

“Lily why are you pretending it didn’t matter? It did matter! It meant everything. And now you want to pretend it didn’t happen?” Severus said with hurt feelings.

“You’re only saying these things to cause trouble. I don’t want the world to know everything! God, you’re such a pain in my ass,” she griped.

“I, for one, don’t think I want to know more,” Sirius spoke up, cringing inwardly.

“Lily you seriously slept with him? Like you fucking slept with him as an experiment?” James asked aghast.

“I didn’t sleep with him. I slept in the same bed with him. It was innocent!”

“Oh thank God. I seriously thought you let him touch you. I was going to have to vomit. But still. What the fuck?” James asked with major confusion.

“Look it’s none of your business. Severus should have kept his mouth shut,” she gave him a glare.

“Did you dump on me for him though? Please tell me my kiss off wasn’t because of him? Did he make you do that?” James wondered.

“No and no. It wasn’t because of him and no he didn’t make me do it. I did it because I’m not ready. And I told Severus the same thing. I’m not ready. And none of you have claim on me or what I do or who I do it with. So everyone just shut up!”

“Looks like Lily is embarrassed by what her brain damaged self did with you over break. I wouldn’t go broadcasting it around anymore. She might kill you,” Sirius told Severus with a pat on the back.

“Stop touching me, you foul piece of garbage. And I can say whatever I want. At least what I say is true!”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” James chimed in. “The three of us know how that bathroom shit went down. And I don’t wanna hear any more about Lily and her brain damage.”

“I wasn’t brain damaged!” she protested.

“Were you drunk?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Sometimes, yes. But that’s not why I did what I did. I don’t owe anyone an explanation,” she said heatedly.

“You got her drunk? Well that explains some of it. Cheap move,” James added.

“I didn’t get her drunk so she’d kiss me. She got herself drunk because we were having fun. What did you do over the holiday except pine for Lily and buy expensive unwanted gifts for her?” Severus asked him pointedly.

“Hey we got drunk too. James’s parents have a liquor stash like you wouldn’t believe. And they hardly drink! They never even missed the shit we took. It was so fun,” Sirius beamed happily.

“Padfoot, shut up. We’re not here to bond with Sevvy over our drinking habits,” James kicked him slightly to get his mind back in order.

“Right. Sorry. I just got caught up. It was the best holiday I’ve ever had. I didn’t have to see my wretched parents at all,” Sirius smiled.

“Can we get back to Lily and Snivelly getting drunk? Because you know that’s the only reason she let you touch her at all,” James told him cruelly.

“We drank twice. And it had nothing to do with what she let me do. Or rather wanted me to do. You’re acting like she just laid on a table and said, have at me! She was a willing participant!” Severus explained.

“Is this actually true? I mean you said experiment so I was thinking some kind of weird truth or dare sessions or something,” James said with confusion.

“Look, I spent time with Severus of my own free will. No spells, no potions. And everything we did was because I wanted it. But it doesn’t really matter because in the end, I chose no one. I chose myself. I’m not with Severus. So just drop it and get over it. All of you!” Lily told them getting fed up with all three of them.

“Fine. We’re getting out of here then. If you wanna hang with this punk loser, then so be it. But he’s still lying about the other thing. Go on. Keep believing him. But he’s lying. We were in the right and he was wrong. But believe whatever lets you sleep at night,” James told Lily seriously. Then to Sirius, “Come on mate, let’s get the hell out of here. One day she’ll wake up and realize the truth.”

Sirius stood with him and they put their arms around each other and stalked out of the train car, leaving Severus and Lily alone. She kicked him in the shins lightly.

“Ow! What did you do that for?” he asked her.

“That’s for telling them all about our exploits. That was private!” she informed him.

“You never said it was private,” he shot back.

“Well common sense tells you it was. Bragging about making time with me, like I’m a piece of meat. You say they brag a lot, but you’re just as bad. And don’t even get me started on the bathroom story. I’m starting to believe them over you,” she informed him.

“What? Why?”

“Because I can see it happening that way. You wanting to hurt them just for sheer spite. You’re perfectly capable of such a thing. After all, you’re the one who threw my necklace in the river!”

“So because I did that for spite, you automatically assume I’d try and cut your friends to shreds and try to kill them for spite?” he asked shocked and appalled.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I know anything right now. I didn’t like your behavior, that’s for sure. And how do I know who’s lying to me? You all have your reasons to lie. I trust no one right now.”

“Fine. Don’t trust me. It doesn’t matter right? None of it matters. Apparently nothing we did matters either. It meant everything to me, and yet you say it was nothing. That really shows how cold hearted you can be,” he said miserably.

“Cold hearted? Would a cold heart take you back into my life at all? You’re the one with a cold heart trying to torment James with those stories!”

“That makes me cold hearted? My heart beats only for you, Lily. You’re my life. My everything. Just because I wanted to stick it to James doesn’t make my heart cold. At least I’m not trying to pretend what we shared didn’t mean anything. You’re the pro at that. I knew everything would change today. I knew it. I warned you it would, and it already has. Already you want to forget everything!”

“What’s the point in bragging about things that got you nowhere? I’m still not yours. I’m just your friend. And as my friend, you should respect me enough not to kiss and tell like some kind of twelve year old!”

“Alright, I’m sorry I bragged. But I had to! They were driving me crazy. And they lie. That story isn’t how it happened. At least I don’t remember it that way,” he added.

“You don’t remember it that way? So that implies you might be remembering it wrong?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Look, all I know is that I knew they were coming after me. I can’t remember when they found out about the spell.”

“Oh God, so then what they said probably is true. You were going to go after them, weren’t you? Before they planned their attack?” she asked dumbfounded.

“That’s not the way I remember it, but maybe. Yeah. I don’t know. But I never was going to use it! That part hasn’t changed! I was never going to use it.”

“You know what? Just don’t talk to me anymore right now. I’m really pissed at you. Like beyond belief. I defended you to them! And you were the liar after all. Just like they said,” she uttered sadly.

“I didn’t lie. I got mixed up a bit maybe. But I didn’t lie!”

“Don’t talk to me.”

“Lily…”

“Stop! Shut it.”

“But you have to hear me out,” he pleaded with her.

“You know what? I’m sitting somewhere else,” she said angrily, gathering her bag and storming out of the train car.

She couldn’t believe he lied to her about the circumstances of the attack. And she couldn’t believe he’d bragged to James and Sirius like she was some common tramp. She’d done nothing wrong. But he made her sound like a trollop. She had had enough of the testosterone poisoning in the train car. She didn’t want to be near any of the boys at all. So she sought out the train car full of her girlfriends and decided to ride the rest of the way with them. At least then she could relax. She should have known this would all blow up like a bomb. She just expected to get more than halfway to Hogwarts before it all blew up. It was a mistake thinking she could somehow be friends with everyone. Now she understood what Severus had meant. But right now she was so mad at him, she didn’t much care to be his friend. And he’d have to do a lot of groveling to fix that.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily is fed up with all the men in her life, but Severus tries to make nice again.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

A few days went past and everyone was getting into the swing of things again at Hogwarts. Lily was still mad with all the boys, and hadn’t spoken to any of them. Severus was taking this the hardest as he knew it would happen this way. She promised they’d always be friends, but it didn’t take her long to get mad at him and start shunning him again. If he didn’t love her so damn much, he’d want to throttle her. But some part of him was actually grateful not to have her all up in his face trying to pretend they were pals. It was too hard for him. And honestly he knew he shouldn’t have bragged about what happened, but she shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss it as nothing at all. It was everything to him. And he was upset she felt the need to hide it. But he supposed he went about it all wrong trying to tell James about it. He wasn’t actually sorry though. But she didn’t need to know that. Not that it was making any difference. He’d tried to apologize again and she claimed she needed some space. So he gave it to her. He’d seen her spending most of her time alone or with girlfriends that he didn’t really know. All he knew was that she wasn’t hanging around James and the gang. That was a plus. But right now he sat in his dormitory, writing in his journal, when one of his friends came in and sat down next to him.

“So Sev, what’re you working on?” he asked curiously. “Another spell?”

“No, this is just some idle writing. Nothing important,” he said closing the book and holding onto it so it wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands.

“You’ve been quiet since you got back to school. Always up here writing, and never down in the common room like usual,” his friend said.

“I’ve just been in a quiet mood. It was a weird holiday for me,” he said dismissively.

“Weird? In what way? Your mum get on your case?”

“No, not really. It’s nothing,” he told his friend.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with that ginger Mudblood I saw you trying to talk to in the halls earlier, does it?” his friend wondered.

“Ugh, don’t call her that.”

“Why not? You did. Why are you even attempting to speak to her?” his friend wondered.

“Wilkes, things sometimes change. I don’t think that about her and I was sort of friends with her. Except now she’s mad at me again,” he said to him.

“Things change? No they don’t. She’s still a Mudblood. And honestly, you could do better for friends. What about me and Mulciber and Rosier? We’re you’re friends,” Wilkes said.

“Can’t I have other friends? Female friends?” Severus asked trying to get his point across.

“Female friends. Gotcha. You’ve got the big yen for her. That’s kind of funny. But don’t go holding your breath. There are plenty of Slytherin girls who aren’t beneath you, Sev,” he said.

“She’s not beneath me. Besides you’d never understand. I’ve known her since we were kids.”

Wilkes shrugged.

“I’ve known Margret Jansen since we were kids too, but you’d never catch me dead with that Hufflepuff. History doesn’t mean you gotta stay friends with someone.”

“But Margaret is built like a freight train. She’s not beautiful like Lily is,” Severus pointed out.

“True. But beauty fades. Just pick a better girl. End of story. I could try and hook you up with someone,” Wilkes offered.

“Like who? Margaret?” Severus asked sarcastically.

“Ha-ha. No. I don’t know. But forget about the Mudblood,” he said patting Severus on the back. “She’s not worth it.”

His friend walked away and left him in peace, and he didn’t really know what to do. He wasn’t interested in other girls, but Lily was clearly mad at him again. And he was tired of having her mad. He needed to talk to her, he just didn’t know when. Maybe tomorrow?

The next day, he decided to corner her after potions and make her speak to him again. He’d apologize yet again, and maybe she’d forgive him. She couldn’t stay mad for another year and a half. Once class wrapped up he walked to her desk and watched her put her things away.

“Lily?”

“What?”

“I was just going to say that I was sorry again for my behavior on the train,” he apologized.

“Yeah, I know you are. It’s just I needed a little time away from you. From all of you,” she explained.

“I understand. I think I needed a little time away too. But it’s been several days. I don’t want this to turn into what it did before,” he explained.

She sighed.

“It won’t. Look, I’m pretty much over it. It’s just that things between you and me are private. I don’t tell people and you shouldn’t tell them either,” she informed him.

“Why? Because you’re embarrassed of me?”

“No, that’s not it. It’s because you only said those things to get James goat. You wanted to piss him off. And it cheapens what we shared. So just keep quiet and let it be special. And just ours,” she told him.

“Alright. I won’t talk about it to them again. I did just want to make James mad,” he admitted.

“Yeah, and it worked. So just be quiet from now on. I don’t want to be a pawn in your game between James and Sirius.”

“I won’t do it again. I promise.”

“Good. But I’m still mad. The whole bullying thing is under my skin. I’m just sick of all of you trying to attack each other. It’s stupid. And right now I don’t care who went after who first. You’re all ridiculous,” she lamented.

“I have to defend myself,” he told her seriously.

“Yeah, well, stay out of their way and you won’t have to,” she remarked.

“Oh, so I just stay out of their way? Since they own the school and all that? Right. I’ll be sure and do that. What about them staying out of my way?” he asked heatedly.

“You lot should all just stay out of each other’s way!” she said exasperatedly.

“Easier said than done. I do stay out of their way. They find me! And I have to pass by places they always hang out at. Lily, you’re so naïve sometimes. You really are. You act like this is all so simple.”

“Naïve? I’m not naïve. I just want everyone to get along! I’m more of a peacekeeper,” she explained.

“Not doing a very good job of it,” he said with a sigh.

“Look, just try and stay out of trouble. Is that too much to ask?” she sighed right back.

“Fine. I will. But if they come after me, all bets are off. Since you’re not speaking to them either, I don’t think you’re having much of an effect on what they plan to do,” he told her.

“They haven’t come after you yet, have they?”

“No, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. They’ve never been more pissed at me than now. I actually gave them a reason this time,” he noted.

“Look, I need to get to lunch. Just try not to bother them and maybe they won’t bother you,” she said slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“Whatever. Okay. So are we friends again now? Or are you still sick of the sight of me?” he wondered.

“You could walk me to lunch if you wanted. I declare a peace treaty,” she smiled slightly.

He smiled back and he grabbed her bag off her shoulder and carried it with him. She tried to protest, but he was off before she could stop him. So she just trotted to keep up with him.

“I can carry my own book bag,” she told him.

“Yeah, but it’s heavy. So let me.”

“Alright.”

She couldn’t help but notice people’s eyes on them as they walked. It was stupid, she realized, but she was a little embarrassed and that thought made her cringe inside. She was turning into a snobby bitch and she hated herself for it. Severus was her friend. She shouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with him. So she shook off those thoughts and just walked along with him and decided to ask how he was doing.

“How am I doing? Same as always. Been busy being ignored by you, sulking in my dormitory, the usual,” he said wryly.

“Well I haven’t fared much better. I’ve been locked in my dormitory most of the time because James and company practically own the common room,” she admitted.

“Have they tried to talk to you too?”

“Not really. James sort of did, but I walked away before he finished. I just didn’t want to hear what he had to say.”

“Something disparaging about me, no doubt,” Severus deduced.

“You could say that.”

“Typical.”

“I said I didn’t listen.”

“You wanna study tonight with me?” he tossed out, completely changing the subject.

“Study with you?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess so.”

“Alright. This time don’t bring Jonathon okay? Just us,” he told her.

“Okay, just us.”

“I saw you making that potion today and I know it didn’t quite turn out the way it was supposed to. I could show you what you did wrong,” he explained.

“Wrong? I thought it was pretty good. Professor Slughorn said it was good,” she said confused.

“But it was slightly blackish in color. It’s supposed to have a purple hue. It’s all in how you add the powdered rats eyes.”

“So you’re saying that even though the teacher said it was good, it wasn’t up to your standards,” she chuckled slightly.

“Sometimes Slughorn is too soft on you, Lily. He likes you. You’re his favorite. But I can tell you the right way to do it. If you want to know.”

“Okay Professor Snape, potions master. I’ll study with you and you can tell me what I did wrong,” she saluted him.

“Alright. Well, here’s your stop,” he said as they walked into the great hall and came to her table.

“Meet me tonight in the library after supper alright?” she told him.

“I’ll be there.”

And with that, he handed back her bag and walked off to his table to join his mates. Wilkes was quick to point out that he’d seen him walk in with Lily.

“Still not giving up on that Mudblood?” he asked with a sigh.

“Nope.”

“I was going to hook you up with Mandy Booth. She’s single and desperate to mingle. But if she sees you hanging around some ginger Mudblood, she’ll never give you the time of day,” Wilkes told him.

“I don’t want Mandy. Ugh. There’s a song called Mandy. Lily made me sing it,” he said chuckling to himself.

“You sang? God, you really do have it bad for that girl. You’re nuts.”

“It was funny at the time.”

“Well whatever. If you don’t want Mandy, then who would you pick? Out of suitable girls, Sev. We’re talking Slytherin girls, not Mudbloods.”

“Wilkes, I don’t want anyone. So just forget it. Besides, none of these girls would ever go out with me. Not even Mandy. And I hear she’ll date anyone with a pulse. Which is why I know you picked her.”

“True. That is why I picked her. But she’s pretty, right? Just give her a go,” he urged him.

“For the last time, no.”

“At least you might get a little experience. If you know what I mean,” Wilkes ribbed him.

Severus bit his tongue about saying he did have some experience already. Lily told him not to tell and telling his friend would only make things worse. He wouldn’t want to hear about it anyway. He’d just make fun of him or vomit. Or both. So he kept silent.

“Can we just eat please? I’m hungry,” Severus finally said.

They filled their plates and Severus kept glancing over at Lily who was eating with girlfriends, but he noticed James and the gang giving him dirty looks. They’d seen them walk up together obviously. Severus just stared right back at them and didn’t flinch. They finally looked away, but not before James made a slashing motion across his throat and mouthed ‘dead man’ to him. All talk, Severus thought to himself. All talk. He’d never actually do anything to him. But he wished Lily had seen that exchange. But she only ever saw what she wanted to see and not the reality of how things were. There was no ‘just staying away’ from them.

That night, Severus managed to sneak out of his dungeon to head to the library, without his friends seeing him. He didn’t want any more ribbing about him being hung up on Lily. They all just threw around the word ‘Mudblood’ like it was nothing. And they didn’t listen to him when he asked them to stop calling her that. In their eyes, that’s all she really was. Not even a real witch or a real person. But Severus knew how wrong they were. He just was in a minority and had to try and keep his mouth shut somewhat. But when he was with Lily, he could forget all about his stupid friends. She looked especially pretty when she showed up for their study date and she smelled like apples and flowers again. She had her hair down with just one barrette holding part of it back. He kept trying to concentrate on the material but was so distracted by her scent and her hair, he kept losing his train of thought.

“I see what you mean about me doing the potion wrong. I thought it said to crush the eyes into a powder, but now you’re saying to use my fingers and crumble them up. It doesn’t say that in the book though,” she mentioned to him as he explained.

“These books are old and archaic. There’s always a better way to do something. Trust me. You just have to try things out until it works,” he told her, forcing himself to look at the book and not at her.

“Ugh, every time I try something different I end up with death soup or something. You’re really smart at this, you know that?” she said with a small smile.

“Thank you. It comes naturally. My mum is an amazing potion maker. She taught me some tricks.”

“You’re so lucky sometimes. To have a witch for a mum. My mum is great, mind you. But she’s just a Muggle. She can’t teach me tricks of the trade,” she sighed.

“She has taught me a lot. It’s one of the only things she ever really does with me. Teach me magic. Otherwise she has little use for me except to go buy her liquor.”

“She loves you though. I think that’s why she hates me. Doesn’t think I’m treating you right.”

“Well I don’t care what she thinks. I choose my own friends.”

“Yeah, me too. Or at least I’m trying. I kind of miss Remus the most,” she admitted to him.

“Remus eh? I didn’t even know you were that close to him,” he remarked.

“He’s honestly the nicest of the four. He’s always so helpful and kind. He doesn’t think I should be friends with him because he’s dangerous, but I still see him as just a person.”

“He is dangerous though. Very dangerous. Be careful if you decide to talk to him again,” he warned her.

“He’s not dangerous normally. And it’s not as if I’m going to go try and pet him and feed him treats when he’s all wolfy,” she scoffed.

“So you don’t miss James the most?” he inquired not looking at her.

“No. Not right now. I needed a break from his constant cat calls and teasing. He’s like perpetually twelve and thinks it’s funny to do stuff like that. But really it just shows he’s immature.”

“I’ve been saying that for years…”

“I know. It’s just I didn’t realize how much pressure he put on me until I wasn’t talking to him. It’s kind of a nice breather.”

“Good. I’m glad you missed me more,” he smiled at her.

“I did miss you more. But I don’t think anyone else understands that.”

“No one understands why I’m hanging out with you either. But who cares?”

“I wish I didn’t care.”

“I wish you didn’t either,” he said sadly, knowing she was having a harder time of things than he was. Which he knew would happen. All his predictions were coming true. And it made him slightly angry that she was so caught up in what other people thought. He was taking a risk too by being with her. She just didn’t acknowledge that. He decided to change the subject.

“So, are you learning the Patronus charm in your Defense of the Dark Arts class?” he wondered idly.

“Yes. But I’m afraid I’m not having much luck with it. I can conjure a blob. That’s about it. My head is too filled with drama to concentrate on a happy memory,” she admitted.

“Yeah, me too. I can’t do it. I get a blob of light too. But it’s better than most of my house mates. They can’t do it at all.”

“We should practice it together,” she said with a smile.

“Right here in the library? I don’t think that’d go over so well.”

“No, we could sneak outside. I know a spot near the woods were no one ever checks to see if students are out there. I used to sometimes sneak out there with the gang.”

“The gang? What if they’re out there?” he wondered.

“Nah, they won’t be. You wanna go?” she asked hopefully.

“Sure, I guess.”

They gathered up their things and walked out of the library and then snuck down the corridors until they got to the exit. They made a mad dash out the doors and ran off to the spot she was talking of. It was hidden by large bushes and shrubs and was right on the edge of the forbidden forest.

“It’s spooky out here,” he noted.

“Yeah, a little. But if you don’t actually go into the woods, you’re fine.”

“Okay. So let’s practice this charm. I bet at least one of us gets it,” he said, happy just to be in her company again. It might be enough to make the spell actually work.

“Alright. Let’s try it.”

She sat and thought of the happiest memory she could think of and then cast her spell. A bluish blob flew out of the tip of her wand and dissipated quickly. She sighed.

“No dice. You try.”

He did the same thing, and tried to remember what it felt like to kiss Lily, but at the last second he remembered her dumping him and nothing came out of his wand but a puff of smoke.

“Shit. That was pathetic. That was worse than before,” he lamented.

He was angry at himself for not being able to do a spell because he was so good at everything else. But this one proved harder. But they kept trying and trying and eventually Lily got it. She cast her spell and a large silvery bluish doe leapt from her wand and danced around before disappearing.

“Oh my God! I did it! And it was spectacular! A doe. How cute,” she remarked.

“Yeah, real cute. A doe? Really? I know I’m not supposed to know this, but I do. Isn’t James’s animangus form a stag?”

“Oh. Yeah. I wasn’t thinking about him!” she protested. “And how do you know about James and Sirius and all that? I never asked you before.”

“I saw them do it. Not that sneaky. It’s kind of hard not to notice three people suddenly turning into animals every full moon.”

“Why were you following them anyway?”

“Because I wanted to see what was going on. I’m not daft. Every full moon, something was up. I followed them. More than once.”

“Why didn’t you turn them in for being unregistered?” she wondered curiously.

“Because I didn’t want them to know that I knew.”

“Well, still, my Patronus has nothing to do with James,” she said flippantly.

“Doesn’t it? Funny how it compliments his animal form,” he sighed.

“I didn’t do it on purpose! You don’t pick what it becomes. It just becomes! You try it again. I bet yours is a rhinoceros or something.”

“Why would it be that?”

“Because it’s random. That’s why.”

“It’s not random, Lily. Not at all. It means something to the caster. That’s the whole point.”

“Just try yours again and see what happens,” she urged him.

He sighed and kept trying and nothing would work until he was just about ready to give up. He thought of the time that he and Lily shared a bed and what it felt like to hold her closely and suddenly when he cast the spell another silvery blue doe leapt from his wand. They both stared at it with astonishment and then it quickly disappeared.

“But that can’t be. Yours can’t be the same as mine,” she said confused.

“It is. I wonder what that means?” he said idly, knowing full well it meant he loved her so much his Patronus was the same. He’d read about that happening. Just like he knew damn well hers was a doe because deep down she wanted to be with James. Which was something he found hard to stomach.

“I think maybe you just copied me,” she informed him.

“Copied you? You can’t copy someone with this spell. It just becomes what it becomes, remember?”

“Is it a doe because of me? Because of how you feel for me?” she asked softly.

“I suspect so,” he admitted quietly.

“Oh.”

“Is yours a doe in the first place because of James?” he asked, fearing the answer.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Oh.”

Then they were silent for a long time, just trying to contemplate what this meant. But finally Lily said she was cold and afraid to get caught, so they headed back up to the castle as quickly as they could. They parted ways in the hallway and neither of them said a word again about the Patronus’s. And Severus vowed that no one would ever see his again. He’d mastered it, but in class, he’d purposely muck it up. He didn’t want anyone to know his matched Lily’s. And he was even more unnerved that hers complimented James in any way. Not that he had delusions any more of them together, but he did not want to see her with James. He’d rather see her dating Lord Voldemort than James. But he feared the Patronus showed her true feelings. And that was enough to depress him for life.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prank goes horribly wrong...

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

AUTHORS NOTE: This is a re-posting of this story. I took it down before due to several negative responses and decided I wanted to tweak a few parts, especially the ending. But this is the same story as before, thus far, so no need to read it again. The new parts will be posted as I finish them. But do remember this story is posted under ‘angst’. I have taken some liberties with the characters because frankly we don’t know that much about James and Lily and Severus as a boy. But this is not an AU story. It’s more of a ‘what if’ scenario that this holiday could have happened and we’d never know about it. So if you’re looking for a fluffy story, this isn’t it. Be prepared for some tough stuff for my favorite characters. Snape wouldn’t be Snape if he didn’t suffer. So with that said, I am putting this story back up, but am re-doing the last part I posted (that not many of you probably saw) And if this is your first time reading this, welcome to my story. I hope you’ll enjoy it. And if not, that’s okay too. This is the story I wanted to tell. I just think I can tell the ending better than I originally did. Thanks for reading along.

 

This chapter contains some slightly graphic talk about sex. So hide your blushing eyes if that’s too much for you.

 

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

The next day was Severus’s birthday, but he tried not to make a huge deal out of it. Most of his friends didn’t remember and he was just fine with that. He didn’t usually celebrate his birthday, but he knew his mum would send him something small for it. She was the only one who really remembered the day. Except today, Lily remembered it. And she made a point of telling him happy birthday and handing him a homemade card she’d fashioned, along with a small bag of sweets she’d gotten on the train ride back to school. Severus was touched she remembered.

“I didn’t think anyone would remember,” he remarked, taking the items she offered him.

“Of course I remembered. Your birthday is right before mine. Plus we were just talking about it on holiday. You’re seventeen now!” she said happily.

“I know. It’s great. It just doesn’t matter too much yet since I’m still at Hogwarts. But at least now when I’m home I can apparate and do magic finally. No more of my mum making me clean ashes by hand,” he chuckled slightly.

“Go ahead and read the card,” she urged him as they stood in the hallway before breakfast was served.

He opened it up and noted that she drew a flower on the front and little sparkles all over it. Then inside he read what she wrote.

“Dearest Severus, you are still a great friend to me. And I hope you always will be. I know we’ve had some rough times, but I hope that we can weather them. My life is better because you’re in it. All my love, Lily.”

“Thank you. It’s beautiful,” he said feeling incredibly touched by her sentiment.

“You’re welcome. And I hope you like the sweets. You can save them for later,” she smiled.

“I will. I guess we better get breakfast huh?” he asked, putting the card into one of his books so it wouldn’t get crushed in his bag.

“I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks again for remembering.”

“No problem. Happy birthday!” she called out as she went to her table and he walked to his.

“Your birthday?” one of his friends said as he walked up. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I didn’t want to make a deal of it,” Severus shrugged.

“Well happy fucking birthday!” Wilkes said slapping him on the back.

“Yeah, happy birthday!” Mulciber said happily to him.

And soon half the table was offering him well wishes, which only made him uncomfortable. Then an owl flew in and deposited a package for him and he knew it was from his mum. He opened it up in front of everyone and found a pack of socks and small card that just said Happy Birthday on it. No beautiful sentiments, like Lily’s card. Just some socks and a piece of parchment. But he didn’t expect more. Except he didn’t really need the socks anymore. Lily got those for him. But he would thank his mum anyway for them. It was the thought that counted. Plus you could never have too many socks.

Once breakfast was over, Severus made his way through the courtyard with Wilkes and Mulciber at his side, on their way to Defense of the Dark Arts. But they were stopped when someone threw a small rock at Severus’s head and it hit him pretty hard. He grabbed his head and his friends looked around to see who did it. They spied James and Sirius sitting on a bench sunning themselves and when they looked over, Sirius just had a smirk on his face. Severus knew it was him who did it, but he hadn’t seen him. He was just going to take Lily’s advice and ignore them, but his friends had other ideas.

“Those two prats better watch their step,” Mulciber noted angrily.

“Yeah, they’ll get theirs. I know it was them who threw that rock,” Severus said still rubbing the sore spot.

“We should go fuck with them. We’ve got time before class. Show them we don’t put up with that type of juvenile shit. I mean, throwing rocks? I can do a lot worse than that,” Wilkes said grabbing up his two friends and marching over to where James and Sirius were sitting.

Severus tried to protest, not because he was afraid or worried, but because Lily forbade him from actively starting trouble. Although they started it, he reasoned.

“What’s your problem, Black? Throwing rocks at people?” Wilkes said to Sirius angrily.

“I don’t know what you mean. I was just sitting here,” Sirius feigned innocence.

“Right. I know you threw it. Your smirk kind of gave you away,” Severus informed him.

“I smirk all the time. You can’t prove I threw any rock at you,” Sirius didn’t back down.

“I didn’t see him throw a rock, so that means he must not have. Apparently we’re not the only ones who can’t stand your greasy ass,” James told Severus.

“Watch how you talk to my friend,” Mulciber said, getting in James face.

“What’re you gonna do?” James goaded him.

“Serpensortia!” Mulciber shouted pointing his wand at James and a huge black snake flew forth and landed at his feet. James jumped up and stood on the bench.

“Get rid of that thing!” he shouted as the snake hissed at him and threatened to strike.

“Scared Potter? It’s a good look for you,” Wilkes laughed and Severus couldn’t help but join in. It was funny seeing him cowering in fear on a bench like a girl seeing a mouse.

Sirius stood up and pointed his wand at the snake.

“Vipera Evenesca!” he shouted, and the snake blew up in a puff of smoke.

“Nice spell, but not scary enough for my taste,” Sirius said aiming his wand at the three Slytherins.

“Ooh, we’re frightened now. Sirius Black is threatening us!” Mulciber said sarcastically.

“Give it your best shot,” Severus taunted him, holding out his arms in surrender.

Sirius started to say a spell but Wilkes beat him to it and interrupted him.

“Secumsemptra!” he shouted out before anyone knew what happened.

James immediately shoved Sirius out of the way and the spell caught both of them on the shoulder and chest area. Severus was horrified and he looked at Wilkes.

“I said never to use that spell!” he shouted out as the two boys lay on the ground bleeding.

“Damn it really fucking works. Look at them. Bleeding like the pigs they are,” Wilkes said proudly.

“Fuck, we’re going to get expelled!” Severus shouted at his stupid friend as he rushed over to James and Sirius.

“Get away from us!” James shouted, writhing in pain.

“Just shut up and let me fix it,” Severus told him.

He began reciting an incantation that sounded like a song. He did it for both boys and had to do it three times. But meanwhile a huge crowd of people had gathered around, including Lily who walked up just at the end. She stood there dumbfounded as she watched Severus fix them up and the blood all disappeared. Then Severus stood up and faced his friends.

“Never, ever, use that spell! I told you before it wasn’t to be used!” he shouted angrily.

“You were going to use it before. I wanted to try it out,” Wilkes shouted back.

“You’re fucking stupid! Look at all these people watching. We’re dead men,” he said heatedly. Then he looked at James and Sirius who were starting to get up off the ground. “You two need to go the hospital wing. You need Dittany. I don’t have any. But if you don’t get that, it’ll scar.”

“I’ll take them,” Lily spoke up, looking at Severus with horror in her eyes.

“Lily…”

“Don’t talk to me,” she hissed angrily. “Don’t even talk to me.”

She helped James and Sirius up and soon Peter and Remus joined them. They all trudged up to the hospital wing leaving Severus and his cronies in the dust.

“Are you two alright?” Lily asked worriedly.

“Yeah, we will be,” James said with some pain still lingering.

“Did you see what your little boyfriend did huh? He sliced and diced us!” Sirius told her angrily.

“Actually it was that other creep,” James said, hating to defend Snape at all, but he’d seen who cast it.

“It doesn’t matter! That was his secret weapon spell. He created it. And obviously told his friends. It’s his fault!”

“I don’t understand why this would happen. Did you do something to him first?” Lily asked them both.

“We were minding our own business and then he and his friends started an attack,” James said, trying to garner sympathy.

“I can’t believe he’d just do that unprovoked. It makes no sense,” Lily shook her head.

“I warned you about him. And all his low life buddies. But you didn’t listen,” James told her as they walked slowly up the hill to the castle.

“But Severus didn’t do this. Someone else did. He fixed you up. He knows the counter spell. He helped you,” she pointed out, still unwillingly to believe it was an unprovoked attack.

“Yeah, he knows the counter spell because it’s his spell!” Sirius chimed in.

“We’ll get him back. Don’t you worry,” Peter said breaking his silence.

“Yeah, we’ll make sure he gets expelled,” Remus agreed.

“No. No, we don’t tell who did it. If we do, then it doesn’t give us a chance to get him back,” Sirius said.

“No one is getting anyone back!” Lily shouted at all of them.

“Why not?” Sirius asked, wincing from the pain.

“Because! It’s stupid. The whole thing is stupid. Why can’t all of you just leave each other alone?” she asked heatedly.

They were all silent for a moment, then James spoke.

“Lil’s is right. If we go after him and his friends, we just keep the fight going. It’s better to just walk away,” he said, not actually feeling it, but wanting to make Lily happy.

“Finally someone with some sense!” Lily said looking at James happily.

“But if we do nothing, they’ll just do it again. And we’re barely able to walk away from this,” Sirius pointed out.

“Maybe she’s right? Maybe it’s better to just let it go?” Remus said with a sigh.

“You’re all mental. This is the perfect reason to go after him,” Sirius said animatedly.

“That’s why we’re not going to. We’re going to be the bigger men,” James said smugly.

Before Sirius or anyone else could say anything, they were at the hospital wing and they made up some story about a spell they tried that went wrong. They had minor cuts still, but they were mostly closed. Severus’s counter spell had worked. But they did need a little more patchwork from the nurse. Lily sat next to James and took his hand.

“It means a lot to me that you’re not going to get him back,” she said sincerely.

“I don’t want to upset you. And it wasn’t him who did it. Sirius will calm down,” he shrugged.

“I’m still proud of you,” she smiled as she kissed his cheek. “Get better. I need to get to class now. We’ll talk later.”

And with that, she was off, and James just sat back and smirked to himself. Getting back on Lily’s good side was almost too easy. He looked at Sirius.

“That’s how you play the game,” he told him, self-assuredly.

“What game?”

“The game of love. Lily kissed my cheek all because I said I’d be the bigger man. Did you see her making eyes at me? It was almost too easy.”

“You only said that shit to gain Lily’s favor?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Of course. But if we get them back, we’re gonna have to do something discreet. No big showdowns in the courtyard. But of course I just said that for Lily’s sake. Why else would I claim to be a bigger man?” James laughed.

“You’re really nuts, you know that? She’s gonna kill us all if she finds out you lied to her.”

“She won’t find out. That’s why I said discreet. It has to be something no one can trace back to us. No attacking with spells or otherwise. We have to hit him where it hurts,” James explained.

“How are we going to do that? The only thing he cares about is Lily.”

“I’ll think of something. There’s no rush. But trust me, he’ll wish he never crossed us. Him and his stupid friends,” James said confidently.

Somehow all the commotion in the courtyard escaped the notice of any of the professors. It was a miracle. And even though Severus sat in his class, just waiting to be called out and expelled, it never happened. He just kept going on with his day until he got to potions. That’s where he saw Lily again and he knew she was pissed. She didn’t even let him explain earlier. And he was certain that James and Sirius had blamed him for what happened. But surprisingly enough when he approached her she didn’t hex him or look away. She just stared at him as he went to her hat in hand.

“I’m so sorry about what happened earlier. I had nothing to do with it!” he told her adamantly.

“Yeah? You were there. I’m betting you did have a little something to do with it.”

“Sirius threw a rock at my head. Look, I still have a lump,” he said, showing off his forehead with the purple mark on it. “My friends just got angry at them on my behalf.”

“So they threw out your signature spell? That was so dangerous! They could have been killed. I warned you about that!” she said angrily.

“I know. I didn’t think they’d use it! I told them it was never to be used. Not unless it was a life or death situation. Which this wasn’t. It’s really not my fault though.”

“Except you created it. If you’d never created it, no one could use it.”

“What do you want me to say? I had no control over what they did. But I fixed your friends up! I healed them. No one else could even do that,” he pointed out.

“I know. I saw. But still. I’m appalled. They said the whole thing was unprovoked,” she told him.

“That’s bullshit. I said they threw a rock at me.”

“How do you know it was them? Did you see them?”

He sighed.

“No, but I know it was Sirius. I looked to where the rock came from and he was smirking. God, can’t you see that they’re horrible people?” he asked with exasperation.

“I see your friends as horrible people.”

“Well, you got me there. But I didn’t do it. I fixed it. So please don’t hate me again,” he pleaded with her.

“Fine. James backed you up and said it wasn’t you. Sirius wanted to come after you again, but James said they were going to be the bigger men,” she explained.

“Bigger men? Yeah right. They’ll get me back. Don’t think they won’t. I just don’t know what it’ll be yet.”

“No they won’t. James promised.”

“Dream on, Lily. James is a liar,” he told her seriously.

“He didn’t lie today and he could have. He could have easily told me it was you who attacked him. He said it wasn’t,” she pointed out.

“He’s trying to gain your favor,” he said shaking his head.

“I think he was just doing the right thing. And so should all of you by just staying away from each other!” she said adamantly.

“Fine. Just wait and see. Something will happen. James a bigger man. That’ll be the day.”

“Maybe you need to talk to your idiotic friends and tell them to watch their step from now on. They can’t be hurting people like that,” she told him.

“I already talked to them. I thought we were going to get expelled.”

“No, they covered for all of you. Said they tried a spell that went awry. You should be thanking them, not expecting retaliation.”

“Thanking them? That’ll be the day. God, you really can’t see your nose despite your face can you? Everything they say or do in your presence is designed to win your favor. That doesn’t make it true.”

“Well that remains to be seen,” she said haughtily.

Just then class was to begin and he had to go to his desk and just walked away from her. Her reaction was surprisingly mellow considering what happened. But it did help that James actually told the truth and said it wasn’t him. But trying to say it was an unprovoked attack was ridiculous. But what else would he expect? He just didn’t trust this whole ‘bigger man’ thing at all. Something was going to happen and he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. He just had no idea what it was going to be yet. But he was nervous. There was nothing worse than one of the gang scorned. They were so immature, they’d probably strip him to his underwear again. Or else unleash the werewolf on him, this time without any warning. Then Lily would see who she was dealing with again and maybe her eyes would open.

The next few days went by and Severus was on pins and needles because nothing had happened. But he knew it wouldn’t last. Meanwhile James was plotting something with Sirius that they felt would cause maximum humiliation without them even being a part of it. James had used his invisibility cloak to stand by the Slytherin tables at meal times to try and overhear any sort of gossip about Severus. And one of his best mates let it slip that Severus had a journal he wrote in all the time and barely ever joined them in the common room anymore. James had it in his head to get a hold of the journal and then just leave it lying in a public place until someone else found it. Then no one could prove he had anything to do with it. It would be on whoever found it and read it first. The only thing was, he had to find it and get it away from Severus. He’d overheard that he kept it with him at all times, so it was a matter of James using the cloak to sneak it out of his bag. But Severus often kept that stupid bag clutched under his arm, even when he was just sitting under a tree reading. It would be difficult to get the bag away from him. But he could wait. And the opportunity came one Saturday afternoon when Severus was sitting alone on a bench in the courtyard. The bag was at his feet and not clutched under his arm. And he was distracted by book he had his big nose pressed in.

“I’m gonna do it now,” James told his friends.

“You gotta be quick so no one sees a book float out of his bag,” Sirius warned him.

“I’m gonna be real quick. Trust me. No one will notice. Not even him. Just watch me,” he smiled as he looked around and didn’t see anyone watching and pulled the cloak over his head.

James took off over to the bench and as soon as he snuck up, Severus must have sensed someone there because he turned and looked but didn’t see anyone. It caused him to move the bag over closer to his feet though. But that didn’t deter James. He quickly reached into the bag, under the cloak, so no one could see the bag either. He rummaged through until he found a leather bound book with no title and he hoped that was it. He snatched it out and stuck it under the cloak and took off running. Severus heard a noise and looked up again, but when he looked down at his bag, he didn’t see anyone or anything. He thought he might be going crazy because he swore someone was there. But if they were, they weren’t now. And he looked around for any foes, namely James and the gang, and he didn’t see them anywhere. So he just shrugged and went back to reading.

Meanwhile James ran back over behind the tree where they were hiding out and flung off the cloak and shoved it back in his bag before anyone saw him. He held up the book.

“Jackpot!”

“Are you sure that’s it?” Sirius asked.

“Let’s open it up and be sure,” James said getting comfy then opening the leather bound book. He perused the pages and started laughing. “Oh yeah, this is the book. I think I’m gonna puke. ‘oh Lily smells like heaven. I wish I could kiss her now, but she won’t let me’. Barf!” James read a passage in the journal.

“Oh God, this is disgusting. Snape’s private Lily thoughts? That’s not something my stomach can take,” Sirius made a face.

“Mine either. Let’s read more,” James smirked.

They kept flipping through the journal and each entry was more private than the last. There was so much about Lily that the four of them agreed Severus needed mental help or some kind of intervention. But there was also bits of juicy gold about how badly he wanted to destroy James and his friends. And bits of paranoia about what he thought their next plan of attack would be, and how he might strike first just to head them off at the pass. That was something Lily wouldn’t like. That’s one of the main things they were after. Making Lily mad at Snape. This book was golden. And soon it would find its way around the entire school.

They didn’t bother to read the entire thing because it was too much and too long. But James discreetly laid it in the busiest corridor at school on the ground and then he ran off in the other direction before anyone saw him drop it. Then he and his mates waited behind a pillar to see who might pick it up. At first people just walked past it, but then a nosy fourth year Gryffindor picked it up. It was perfect. If one Severus’s friends found it, they might just give it back. But this was a Gryffindor and a young one, and no doubt he’d read it and pass it around. They watched as he opened the book and noted the name inside and then he was just going to put it in his bag. James and company cringed thinking the kid might just find Severus and return it. But just as he was putting it in his bag, he stopped and began reading it. Bingo. Once he started reading it, he couldn’t stop. And he found himself a comfy wall to lean against as he perused the pages. He read the first few, then he skipped ahead a lot and began reading those pages. James and his mates weren’t really sure what the entirety of the book contained, they just knew it was bound to be incriminating and embarrassing. That’s when the kid started laughing and grabbed up one of his friends and showed him the book. He read for a minute, then he started laughing too.

“What do you suppose is so funny? I expected people to be more shocked than amused,” James said with some slight confusion.

“I don’t know. Maybe we should have read more before we just tossed it on the ground?” Sirius offered.

“But still, Sevvy’s no comedian. What the fuck is so funny?” James said unnerved.

But now there was a small crowd gathered around and people were clamoring to see the book and everyone was laughing when they read it. James decided it was time to go over and see what was so funny. He walked up and made sure he didn’t get caught with the book in his hands, but merely asked someone what was so funny.

“This book mate. It’s like amateur porn hour. Some bloke named Severus is writing about this Lily girls boobs. It’s priceless. He’s never touched boobs before,” the kid laughed.

“Boobs? What the fuck?” James now wanted to read the book again, but he couldn’t risk being caught with it.

The next thing he knew, someone used a copy charm and instantly copies of the juiciest pages were in everyone hands. And people started hanging them on the walls of the corridor as a laugh. Soon the entire hallway had pages of the journal hanging from it. James finally got enough nerve to see what everyone thought was so funny. He and Sirius stopped at one of the copies and read it to themselves.

“Lily has no idea what she does to me. Stupid Evans. She let me touch her tits as if it was a science experiment, but I felt her nipples. They were stiff and hard and I wanted to put them in my mouth. But apparently that wasn’t part of the experiment. She just let me squeeze them and caress them, and they were really perky and amazing. But then she decided it was enough. But believe me, there was enough experience there for several days’ worth of wanking material. She has no clue how much I want her, or else she does know, and she relishes in the fact that I want her so badly, yet she’s a terrible tease. I’d never touched tits in my life and she wanted to be my first. Too bad she didn’t want to pity fuck me too. I really thought she might when we spent the night together in her bed. But all I got was a “Severus please hold me’. It was good enough. I can’t stop thinking about all of it. I just want her so bad. Maybe she’ll let me go further next time? I hope I can control myself. When I’m with her, I lose my mind…”

James wanted to throw up after reading it, but Sirius just burst out into laughter like everyone else did. To him, it was hilarious. And oh so humiliating. Talking of wanking and all that. Severus would never live this down. Ever.

“He touched her tits and she let him! Is she out of her bloody mind?” James asked Sirius with confusion.

“Relax mate. She stopped his grabby hands. She probably just felt sorry for the sad sack. This is priceless,” Sirius chuckled heartily.

“No, it’s not. Lily is going to freak out. We have to get these stupid pages off the walls!” James said trying to rip them down but they were stuck with a sticking charm.

These were not the pages he was hoping would stick in people’s memories. He was more interested in Lily seeing his plans for retaliation and how much he hated James and his friends. But everyone was focusing on the love junk that was far worse than anything James ever imagined. The pages kept circulating and being posted and soon Lily found her way to the corridor where everyone had gathered. She wanted to see what the fuss was. Then she saw the pieces of paper on the walls and read one of them. She became horrified and tried to rip them down but they wouldn’t come off the walls. And then people noticed her, the girl from the book with the perky tits.

“Hey Evans, nice tits!” someone yelled out to her and everyone started laughing.

She just stood there with open mouthed shock and noticed that the pages were literally everywhere. She read another one.

“Lily kissed me again today and I wanted to rip her clothes off. Why does she torment me like that? Doesn’t she realize that every time she touches me, I want to explode? If I didn’t love her so much, I’d hate her for teasing me this way. Giving me a little taste and then taking it back again…”

She didn’t know what to do. Everyone was reading this. Only she had no idea why or how Severus let people post up pages of his journal. People kept making comments to her and James saw her and tried to say something, but she just ran past him in search of Severus. She found him outside, still reading on a bench and she came up to him and kicked him hard in the shins.

“Ouch! What the hell is your problem?” he asked, dropping his book and rubbing his legs.

“Your journal! It’s plastered all over the halls inside the school! Did you know that? Did you do that to humiliate me?” she asked heatedly.

“What? My journal? It’s in my bag. What are you talking about?” he asked with confusion.

“Don’t play dumb. Someone plastered passages all over the corridors and everyone is reading about my tits!”

A look of panic came over his face and he rummaged through his bag and noticed the journal was gone. It wasn’t hidden between the books where he kept it. He stood up and ran into the school and found everyone reading and laughing and one kid holding the book up and reading aloud from it.

“I bet James would be green with envy knowing I, Severus Snape, aka Snivelly to him, have made more time with Lily than he ever will. I’d love to see his face if he ever found out exactly the things Lily and I did,” the boy read aloud.

“Oh my God! You put this up on purpose, didn’t you?” Lily whirled around to face Severus who had ran into the hall behind her.

“Me? Of course I didn’t do this! Someone stole it! Fuck! Fuckity fuck!” he said noticing the passage on the wall about him wanking off to her tits and tried to rip it down.

“This is the most humiliating thing I can ever think of. You wanted people to know what we did, didn’t you? So you just left this out for anyone to read!” she said insistently.

“Are you mad? I don’t want the world reading this! Or you! Especially not you!” he said desperately trying to peel the papers off, but they wouldn’t come off. He then went after the boy holding the journal and tried to rip it out of his hands, but he pulled it back.

“No fair. It’s my turn to read it,” he said to Severus.

“That’s my bloody journal! Give it back!” he yelled yanking it out of his hands forcefully. But the damage was already done. People could still read the worst passages on the walls. And Severus had no idea how the book got out of his bag. He never went anywhere without it. But he saw James and his mates standing there in the corner, and Sirius was laughing really hard. He ran up to confront them.

“Did you steal my journal? Did you two do this?” he accused James and Sirius.

“No! We didn’t have anything to do with it. Some kid found it. And I gotta say, I feel nauseous right now,” James admitted.

“You fuckers. I know it had to be you!” he shouted at them.

“I didn’t even know you had that stupid book! It wasn’t us. I wish I’d never read it,” James said as Lily came walking up to find out if they had anything to do with it either. But she believed them when they said they didn’t. They’d never humiliate her like this.

“Lily are all these things true from the book?” James asked with a wince.

“No one was supposed to read this! No one! Not even me! But yes, it’s true,” she said, trying to rip the pages off the wall futilely.

“You actually let him touch you?” he was disgusted.

“It was a stupid moment. I can’t believe he wrote about it like this! I want to throw myself into the ocean,” she cried, before she turned on Severus again. “You! You had to have leaked these pages so you could brag some more about me!” she shoved him back hard.

“Are you kidding? These are my most private thoughts. Embarrassing thoughts! I don’t want anyone reading them. It wasn’t me. I don’t know who it was!” he shouted as he clutched the book and wished he could just burn the entire building down along with it.

“Hey Sev, nice one. Got your hands on Evans eh? I’d probably find that good for a wank or two myself,” some Slytherin boy said patting him on the back as he passed by.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that action,” another boy said giving him a high five.

Lily just stared at him and refused to believe he didn’t do it on purpose. Obviously some people found it titillating and not embarrassing. And it just made her look cheap and tawdry. She burst into tears and ran off, and Severus went to go after her, but James stopped him.

“Just leave her alone. You’ve done enough damage,” James told him smugly.

“Me? I didn’t do anything! I still think it was you,” Severus spat at him.

“Why would I humiliate Lily?”

“Because you were trying to humiliate me!”

“Dream on. If I’d seen what you wrote in that book, I would have burned it. It makes me sick that she let you near her. She was obviously mental and hard up over the holiday. But good luck with your wanking material. Just stay away from me when you do it,” James said, turning on his heel and marching off with his friends.

This entire debacle did not go as planned. Not at all. Severus was humiliated, but so was Lily. And James wasn’t laughing, he was ill. The whole thing was a huge mistake. And it appeared to make Severus more popular rather than pathetic. People were congratulating him for getting a handful of Lily’s boobs and sharing her bed. James just wanted to bleach his brain out. No one even paid attention to the bits where Severus made threats against James and company. No one even read that. It was all about sex and tits and Lily and wanking. It was a nightmare. And James did not want to talk about it.

“So that was unexpected. We should have read further in,” Sirius remarked patting James on the back.

“Shut up. I know. Fuck. I had no idea this shit was in the book. I just wanted her to see his private thoughts that were creepy and also his threats against us. I didn’t mean to humiliate her,” James sighed.

“She never even read the threats, did she?” Remus asked quietly.

“Nope.”

“She still read Snivelly’s creepy thoughts. They were pervy and really embarrassing. So it’s still sort of a win, right?” Peter offered supportively.

“Yeah, I guess. Except everyone’s fucking high fiving him. They aren’t even making that much fun of him,” James said with disappointment.

“He’s never going to get those papers off the wall, is he?” Sirius asked, as he watched Severus trying to rip them down and only getting tiny pieces in each handful.

“This plan was a fail. A big fail. Time to regroup. I need to be there for Lily. That’s the only way to salvage this. I have to choke down my vomit and pretend I feel sorry for her,” James told them.

“Pretend? Don’t you feel sorry for her for real?” Remus wondered.

“She played with fire and unfortunately it bit her in the ass. But of course I feel bad. I never wanted to embarrass her. She just never should have let that slimeball touch her!”

“Well she did. So you better go find her and comfort her. Right now she thinks he did this, so you can’t lose Prongs. Go for it,” Sirius urged him.

“I will. I just have to find her first.”

He took off in search of her and the rest of the gang just watched the aftermath of the pages stuck to the walls, and people laughing and smacking Severus on the back. Soon the commotion raised the attention of Professor Mcgonagall who shooed everyone away as much as she could and perused the contents of the material on the wall. She gasped and clutched her chest when she realized how dirty some of the passages were and she looked at Severus who was still trying to rip them down.

“Did you do this, Mr. Snape?” she asked with horrification.

“No! Someone stole my journal and copied pages and stuck them to the walls. Please help me get it down,” he pleaded with her.

“Oh my. Oh goodness. Who would do that?” she asked no one in particular.

“I don’t know! But I need them down. There’s a sticking charm or something on them,” he explained.

She tried a spell to get the sticking charm off but it didn’t work. She kept trying and then she gave up.

“I’m going to get Dumbledore,” she sighed.

“No! Please no. Let me just ink out what the papers say! I don’t want him reading this trash,” Severus said desperately.

But she didn’t listen and went to go get the Headmaster anyway. Severus took his quill and ink and tried to scribble words out, but there were too many. And when he saw Dumbledore coming, he simply ran off and found even more passages stuck to other walls in the castle. They were everywhere. And some were still clutched in the hands of students getting a good laugh out of it. Severus just ran all the way to the dungeons and sat in a chair in the common room and tried not to die. He had no idea how someone got that journal away from him. He never let it leave his side. But somehow someone knew about it and stole it. He just had no idea who or how or why, except to make him a laughing stock. It reeked of James’s handiwork, yet he’d never want Lily embarrassed. Not if he was trying to get on her good side. Plus, he’d notice him nosing around his bag and he had no access to his room at night. So he began to look at his so-called friends as suspects. When Wilke and Mulciber walked into the room, he turned on them.

“You two! Did you do this? Did you take my journal? You lot are the only ones who even know it exists!” he said accusingly.

“Sev, calm down. Of course we didn’t do it! Have you no faith in brotherhood? We’d never betray you like that,” Wilkes said patting him on the back.

“Yeah, we’d never. It was probably Potter or Black. You know, after that little misstep in the courtyard. They’d have reason to do this,” Mulciber explained.

“I know. Except this humiliated Lily. James wouldn’t do that. Me? Yes. But her? No.”

“Fuck if I know then. But it wasn’t us! But I gotta say, it was a bit of juicy reading. Dumbledore’s trying to get them off the walls now and he’s got Filch with him. It’s kind of hilarious,” Wilkes laughed slightly.

“It’s not hilarious! Those were my private thoughts. Ugh. I want to kill myself,” Severus said holding his head in his hands.

“Oh come on. All those entries really did was show how loose that ginger Mudblood is. Not to mention a total cock tease. She did you wrong, mate. Maybe she did someone else wrong too and they stole the journal?” Mulciber offered.

“No one would know the journal existed, much less contained illicit information about her,” Severus pointed out.

“Don’t know what to say, except, at least you got your hands on some titties!” Wilkes laughed and patted Severus again.

“This is the worst day of my life. Not only did the entire school read that, but Dumbledore, McGonagall and Filch are all reading it right now too. Please just Avada me now,” he said hopelessly.

“You’re such a drama queen, Sev. Get over it. So what? People will forget it. At least once they get the papers down off the wall,” Wilkes chuckled.

“I need to be alone,” Severus said getting up and running to his dorm, clutching the journal for dear life.

He didn’t know what to do with it now except possibly burn it. Except it had already been read by everyone. What would be the point? Might as well start writing his thoughts for the Daily Prophet and let everyone read it daily. But instead he took the journal and put it in a locked box under his bed. He had some spell ingredients he’d snuck out of potions class to experiment with and he’d just keep the book locked in there forever. No one would know where it was and they’d never get in there because they’d never find it. But for now, he was done writing in it. Possibly forever. It was safer to just keep his wayward thoughts to himself.

.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus try to pick up the pieces after the prank, but there's a wrench thrown into the works.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

AUTHORS NOTE: This is a re-posting of this story. I took it down before due to several negative responses and decided I wanted to tweak a few parts, especially the ending. But this is the same story as before, thus far, so no need to read it again. The new parts will be posted as I finish them. But do remember this story is posted under ‘angst’. I have taken some liberties with the characters because frankly we don’t know that much about James and Lily and Severus as a boy. But this is not an AU story. It’s more of a ‘what if’ scenario that this holiday could have happened and we’d never know about it. So if you’re looking for a fluffy story, this isn’t it. Be prepared for some tough stuff for my favorite characters. Snape wouldn’t be Snape if he didn’t suffer. So with that said, I am putting this story back up, but am re-doing the last part I posted (that not many of you probably saw) And if this is your first time reading this, welcome to my story. I hope you’ll enjoy it. And if not, that’s okay too. This is the story I wanted to tell. I just think I can tell the ending better than I originally did. Thanks for reading along.

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

A few days passed and people were still talking about the journal. Mainly because several students still had copies of certain pages, even though they’d finally managed to get the papers off the corridor walls. But Severus kept getting attention that was both supportive and embarrassing and he wished he could be invisible. Some guys were saying they’d feel the exact same way he did, and others were just making fun of his private thoughts. Lily was not faring a whole lot better as she was the butt of jokes and several guys asked her for a pity boob grab too. She’d never been more humiliated in her life, but after some thought, she didn’t think Severus did it. She didn’t know who did it. James was being ultra-supportive and disgusted on her behalf. So she didn’t suspect him of doing it, because he’d never want to mortify her like this. But that just left it a huge mystery. No one knew who did it. And no one was talking. It appeared that somehow someone magically summoned the journal from the bag. It was the only thing they could think of. But to summon it, meant you had to know it existed, and that left the list of suspects very small. And they all pointed back to Severus’s friends. Even he couldn’t deny that they looked guilty when they were the only ones besides Lily and his mum that knew the journal existed. And for that, he was treating them quite chilly. It’s one thing if they wanted to get at James and Sirius like in the courtyard, but to go after Lily? That crossed a line in Severus’s eyes. Not to mention they made him look like a huge pervert and a fool. But they swore up and down that they had nothing to do with it. But the way they’d laugh every time it was brought up, wasn’t helping their case. So Severus just gave them the cold shoulder. Which was an unplanned side effect of James’s plan. Severus losing all his friends for the time being. That was like the bonus in an otherwise horribly executed plot. At least now, Severus had no one who was going to attack them in the courtyard. Until they made up anyway.

But James felt like a shit for what he did. He was a smart guy, but sometimes his need for childish revenge rendered him an imbecile. He should have looked at that book more carefully before leaking it to the masses. He was still disgusted by what Lily had done, but he promised her he didn’t think less of her. Which he didn’t. He just didn’t understand why she’d do what she did. But he had to sit and hear her explain how she thought she might have feelings for Snivelly, which wasn’t easy to listen to. But it ended well when she said she didn’t. And that right now, she couldn’t even look at him. She wasn’t blaming him anymore, but she was so horrified by the frankness of his words in the journal that it made her sound like a cheap piece of meat and not the girl he claimed to love. Talking about pity fucks and wanking material did not get him on her good side. Or that he accused her of being a tease. Which she swore to James she wasn’t, but secretly he kind of agreed with Sevvy on this one. She was a tease sometimes. But that was Snivelly’s fault for coming up with some harebrained scheme about experimenting to see if she liked him or not. That was just asking for heartbreak. Not that James cared. But it was still a bad plan. And now the whole school knew about it all. He just tried to be as nice as he could to Lily and be her shoulder to cry on. It was working nicely. The plan was very flawed but it wasn’t without its perks. James called it a win, he just had to make sure that Lily never, ever found out it was him who left the book out. Otherwise he was a dead man.

Lily was making her way to potions class when Severus caught up to her and tried to speak to her.

“Lily, wait. We need to talk,” he told her desperately.

She whirled around to face him.

“We have nothing to talk about,” she told him.

“You can’t honestly still think it was me who leaked that journal.”

“No, I don’t. I realized you’d never share those thoughts willingly with anyone,” she admitted.

“So then why are you avoiding me like I’ve got dragon pox?” he asked sadly.

“Because! How can I even look at you? I read what you wrote. It’s embarrassing!” she told him.

“Come on, you had to know I was thinking most of that stuff. I’m a guy, remember? You just weren’t supposed to ever read it,” he explained.

“Did you really…I mean, after touching me, did you really…oh, I can’t even say it!” she cried, hiding her face in her hands.

“Lily, stop. Just forget the stupid journal. Don’t make me talk about it,” he said uncomfortably.

“But did you?”

He let out a long sigh.

“I’m a guy, Lily. Yes! For crying out loud, yes I did.”

“Eww. In my house? With me in it?” she asked with a horrified expression.

“No! Not in your house. I waited till I was home. God, give me a little credit. I wasn’t wanking in the bed with you. I didn’t spunk all over your flowery sheets. So relax,” he said with some frustration.

“Do you have to be so vulgar?” she groaned.

“You’re the one asking me the horrible questions! Besides, are you really so naïve you don’t think guys do that?”

“I know they do. I just never knew, knew. Like about me. It’s weird,” she made a face.

“Why don’t you ask your precious James if he’s ever had a good wank over you? I can guarantee he has,” Severus said with a pointed look.

“I’d never ask him! I don’t want to know,” she turned up her nose.

“Don’t tell me girls don’t do it too. I know they do. They just pretend they don’t,” Severus shot back at her.

“Well I didn’t do it over you!” she said quickly.

He just shook his head.

“Yeah, I kinda figured that. But the point I’m making is that it’s not that big of a deal. So stop looking at me like I’m masturbating in an old raincoat in the hallways at school like some kind of creeper in the park!”

She looked at the humiliation and desperation on his face. She felt badly for treating him this way. She was just unnerved by it.

“Alright, I’m sorry. But we really have to get to class. We’re going to be late,” she told him, trying to change the subject.

“Fine. It’s just, don’t be afraid to talk to me. We’re still supposed to be friends, remember?” he told her.

“Right. Friends. Except you think I’m a tease,” she said somewhat dejectedly.

“No, I didn’t say that exactly. I just wondered if you knew what you did to me. And I guess you didn’t,” he admitted.

“No, I really didn’t. Maybe I am naïve? It just never occurred to me.”

“Well can we forget it then? Please?” he implored her.

“Alright. I’ll try to forget it. If people would stop bringing it up, it would help.”

“Yeah, I know. But we can move past it. Just ignore them all.”

“I’ll try,” she smiled slightly.

“Come on, let’s get to class.”

They walked together slowly and tried their best to ignore the snide comments.

“Don’t get too close to her! You might blow!” someone shouted after them, and Severus just closed his eyes.

“Ready to give old Sev another go round? There’s a broom cupboard on the fourth floor!” someone else shouted to Lily.

“Ugh, right, this is so not going to work. We’ll never live this down,” she lamented as they entered potions class and found their desks.

Severus wanted to kill whoever leaked that journal. It was making things so much harder and worse between him and Lily. At first she hated him, thinking he did it. Then now she was just embarrassed to be seen with him at all. He wish he could find out who did it. He would definitely make them pay.

Severus sat in his common room, wracking his brain to figure out who took the journal. He wouldn’t rest until he found out. Whoever they were, were making his life a living hell. His two best mates, who he had been suspicious about, walked in and sat down next to him.

“What’re you looking so intense about? Thinking of having a wank again?” Mulciber ribbed him.

“Shut up. I’m trying to figure out who stole my journal. And since you two say it wasn’t you guys, who else could it be? Did you tell anyone else I had it?” Severus asked Mulciber and Wilkes.

“Man, I’m telling you, no one knew,” Wilkes explained for the hundredth time.

“You sure you never mentioned it to anyone?” he asked.

“Wait. No, remember there was that one time you mentioned it to Rosier at lunch. It was awhile back, but he’d asked why Severus was so quiet and you mentioned his journal!” Mulciber reminded Wilkes.

“Rosier? You told him about the journal?” Severus asked.

“Shit, yeah, I did. But I didn’t think anything of it. He’s your mate. He’s our mate. He’d never do this,” Wilkes shook his head.

“Did anyone else overhear it?” Severus wondered.

“I don’t think so. I didn’t shout it. I barely mentioned it at all.”

“Yeah, it was real quick. We didn’t spend a lot of time talking about it. So unless someone was invisible or something, they’d never of heard us,” Mulciber explained.

“Invisible?” Severus suddenly got curious. “Can someone make themselves invisible? Is there a spell for that?”

“No. You’d need an Invisibility Cloak. And no one here has one of those. We’d know if they did.”

“How would we know? It’s invisible!” Severus pointed out.

“Well I sure as hell don’t have one,” Wilkes said throwing up his hands.

“Someone might. Who do you think would?” Mulciber asked Severus.

“James. I bet you five hundred galleons that fucker has a cloak.”

“You don’t have five hundred galleons. And I seriously doubt it. He’d probably be using it all the time if he had one. I know I would. Sneak into the girls showers. Oh yeah!” Mulciber laughed.

“What’s to say he’s not using it all the time? The point is, we’d never see him,” Severus said.

“Well good luck proving it. You’ll never get him to admit it. Hell, I wouldn’t admit it to anyone either. It’d probably get taken away by Dumbledore,” Wilkes told him.

Severus knew they were right. Even if such a thing existed, he’d never get James to admit it. And catching him using it would be near impossible. But it was an idea anyway. He still felt like James had to be behind this. If it wasn’t his own friends playing a prank, there was only one other person who had it in for him. James fucking Potter. And he’d make it his life’s mission to find out the truth.

James and his friends sat by a tree during a break from classes. They had a free period and were just discussing the aftermath of their little stunt.

“So you say Lily has no idea who did it?” Sirius asked James.

“Not the slightest clue. And we keep it that way. She doesn’t know about the invisibility cloak. No one does, except you three.”

“And you know we’ve told no one,” Remus spoke up.

“Precisely. So right now the two of them think someone summoned the book out of the bag. Kind of stupid because Snape would see a fucking book floating across the room. But the two of them aren’t thinking clearly, which works in my favor.”

“If Lily finds out, you are a dead man,” Sirius laughed.

“She’s never going to find out. It’ll die down before she even tries to figure it out. I’m more worried about Snivelly figuring it out. He’s got a brain on him,” James fretted.

“Yeah a perverted brain,” Peter chuckled.

“Be that as it may, he’s no dummy. He may be a lot of bad things, but stupid isn’t one of them. So just be extra careful not to let anything slip. In fact, we shouldn’t even be talking about this at all in public. He could be lurking,” James said with some paranoia as he looked around and didn’t see Severus anywhere.

But he did see Lily. She was walking by with her head down and James could see she was trying to blend in and not call attention to herself. But James called her over.

“Hey Lil’s! Come here a minute!” he shouted after her.

She stopped walking and came over and stood by them.

“What?”

“I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“Well, I’m not really. But each day gets better. I swear if I find out who leaked that journal I won’t be a tease about it. I’ll stick my hand right down their pants and grab them by the bollocks and rip them off!”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, so if you guys figure out who did it, let me know okay?”

“Of course.”

“Severus has some new idea which is totally ridiculous,” she said with a sigh.

“What idea is that?” James wondered.

“Well he thinks someone has an invisibility cloak. I laughed in his face. Especially because he thinks it’s you,” she told James.

He gulped slightly and then laughed to hide his nervousness.

“What? That’s crazy. Of course I don’t have anything like that. I would have told you,” he scoffed.

“I know. But now he has this idea in his head. I think he just loves blaming you for everything, even if I think it was his friends.”

“I think it was his so-called friends too. I mean, an invisibility cloak? How desperate do you have to be to believe that?” James laughed and all his friends joined in.

“Well either way, I have to get to my next class. I’ll see you guys later,” she smiled and waved at them before departing.

“Fuck. I told you he has a brain. An even bigger one than I imagined. How the fuck did he figure out about the cloak?” James said with much irritation and worry.

“Relax, Prongs. So what if he did figure it out? He’ll never, ever prove it. You keep it hidden. No one else knows. He’ll never hear it from us,” Sirius told him.

“Right. True. So what if he suspects? He’ll never prove it. But damn, he’s pretty fucking perceptive. God, it makes me hate him more,” James lamented.

“No one is going to find out. He and his big brain can just sit and wallow about it,” Remus said.

“Right. He can sit and wallow,” James said with confidence.

Meanwhile, Severus refused to give up on the idea. It would make so much sense if James was listening in about the existence of the journal, and then he could be invisible and just take it. Severus remembered feeling like someone was next to him that one day before this happened. But when he looked, no one was there. But what if there was someone there? He just had no way to prove it. No access to the Gryffindor dormitory. And he doubted James just carried it around in his bag at all times. That is if it existed at all. Severus knew it was a long shot. But it made sense to him. He even tried to talk Lily into sneaking into the dorm and rooting through his stuff, but she refused. And this time it was her who told him to get over it and let it go. And he was trying to. He just wanted to get to the bottom of it. But he feared he never would. And meanwhile, James was making headway with Lily, being her shoulder to cry on. Instead of coming to him and commiserating about how awful things were, she was turning to James. And it made him ill. He was losing what little of her he had left. And the only way to ruin it would be to prove the existence of this supposed cloak. But even Severus knew it was probably a long shot.

Time went by and soon people had seem to forget the journal, for the most part. It was played out. And it wasn’t as funny anymore as it used to be. By Lily’s birthday, it was all ancient history it seemed. But Severus still never stopped wondering who did it, while Lily had just accepted that it was someone malicious they’d never know. And she didn’t want to hear his conspiracy theories about it. So he just gave up sharing them with her. It didn’t really matter anymore. But he knew deep down it had to be James behind it. Maybe he orchestrated the entire thing just to be able to comfort Lily, while making Severus look like a pervy creep? He wouldn’t put it past him. But without proof, he just had to stew in it silently. Severus just wanted to concentrate on getting back in Lily’s good graces by giving her a nice birthday gift. He didn’t know what to get her and had no real money, so he conjured her a rose and made her a card. He stopped her in the hallway before breakfast and handed the items over.

“Happy birthday, Lily,” he told her with a smile.

“Oh Severus, it’s lovely. Thank you,” she smiled back, smelling the rose.

“I know it’s not much, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.”

“It’s beautiful. So thanks. Should I read the card now?” she asked curiously.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Lily, I know things have been strained between us, but I’m hoping we can work it out. You mean that much to me. Happy birthday, Love always, Severus,” she read to herself. “It’s wonderful. And of course we can work it out. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant.”

“It’s okay. I know things were weird, but I want to start over. Can we do that?” he wondered.

“Yes. Starting today no more weirdness. Just friendship. I promise. Thank you for the rose and the lovely card,” she said as she leaned over and hugged him quickly.

“I guess we better get to breakfast,” he said with a smile.

“Yes, I’m starved.”

They walked on together and made their way into the Great Hall. They immediately stopped when they found the Gryffindor table covered in lilies and boxes of chocolate. James stood there waiting for her and suddenly Severus’s little rose and a card looked like nothing in comparison. She didn’t even know what to do at the sight. Except she walked over closer and James was smiling huge.

“Happy birthday Lily!” he shouted and everyone at the table clapped for her.

Severus just slunk back and watched it unfold, and she was beside herself with joy and wonder at the amount of flowers and candies that awaited her. She leaned up and gave James a kiss on the cheek and then she held her face in her hands.

“I don’t know what to even say,” she told him.

“Just say thank you.”

Severus realized his rose looked like a piece of trash fished off the side of the road now. James always had to outdo him. And this time, he couldn’t throw all the candy and flowers in a river. He just turned around and walked away and went to his table to sulk.

“That’s some spread of flowers over there. It’s your Mudblood’s birthday, I take it?” Mulciber added.

“She’s not mine. And yes, it is. I really wish you’d stop calling her that,” Severus said with irritation.

“Sorry. Slip of the tongue. But still, why do you even bother? Seems she’s got a suitor who lavishes her with attention. You don’t need her anyway,” he said.

“I don’t need her, but I want her. You wouldn’t understand,” he sighed.

“I definitely don’t understand. There’s so many other girls to choose from.”

“Yeah, but none of them are her.”

“You’re never going to get her. Not with the way Potter is wooing her,” Wilkes chimed in.

“I’m aware of that. Can we just not talk? I just want to eat.” Severus said, trying not to look over at the Gryffindor table.

Meanwhile Lily was being bombarded with well wishes and happy birthdays. She had no idea so many people would make a big deal out of it. Especially James, who completely outdid himself.

“You really didn’t have to go to all this trouble for me,” she told him.

“I wanted to. You deserved it. I know it’s been a rough few weeks, and I wanted to try and make up for that,” James told her.

“Why? You didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“Yeah, but I still felt badly. Besides you deserved to be pampered a little,” he smiled at her.

“What am I supposed to do with all this candy and flowers?” she asked with a laugh.

“Give the candies to friends or something. Or you could save it all for yourself and never be without candy again. As for the flowers, I’ll help you carry them upstairs,” James grinned.

“Well thank you. I’m touched.”

And the truth was, she was touched by the sentiment. But again, it was a bit over the top and she felt like he was trying a bit too hard. She looked down at the single red rose Severus gave her and smiled over that. It was simple, but meaningful. And showed he was thinking of her without going overboard. But she knew James meant well. She just had no idea what to do with a room of flowers and candies. But he did help her carry the stuff upstairs and they just left most of the flowers in the common room, while she put the candies in her dorm, saving a few boxes to share with people. When she got to her potions class later, Severus seemed gloomy and wasn’t even looking at her. She tried to remedy that by going over to him and offering him a chocolate.

“Are these James’s chocolates?” he asked her.

“Yes.”

“Then I don’t want one. Thanks.”

“Oh come on. They’re not poisoned. Just have one,” she urged him.

He reached over and took one and laid it on the table.

“Aren’t you going to eat it?” she asked him.

“Later.”

Class began and she was forced to go back to her table and she just watched as Severus took the chocolate and smooshed it and then threw it in a bin. She sighed and realized that yet again Severus was upset by James’s gifts to her. Why did he have to be so impossible? She didn’t understand him at all sometimes. But once class was over, she tried to make him happier.

“So, do you want to study tonight? We haven’t done that in an age,” she offered him.

“You don’t have plans with James the great?” he wondered.

“No. And I could use your help with this latest assignment.”

“Alright. In the library after supper?”

“It’s a date!” she smiled and took off before he could say anything else.

But at least she was willing to be seen with him again. For a while, she avoided him because of all the crude comments. But since that had died down, he supposed she deemed him acceptable company again. He hated how things always seemed to be on her terms. But he had no control over it. Once they were at supper Dumbledore announced that they were holding a Spring dance in April. Everyone was incredibly excited except Severus. There was only one person he wanted to go with, and he knew she’d probably never say yes. But all his friends kept ribbing him to ask someone else, to which he ignored them as much as possible, and then slipped out of the dining hall early to go to the library. But the entire school was buzzing about who was going to go with who and Severus had little patience for such drama over a stupid dance. But when Lily showed up at the library she was beaming about it.

“So, there’s to be a dance in April. Such fun. They’ve never had a dance before. Who are you going to take?” she asked him as she sat down across from him at the table.

“No one. I’m not going to the stupid dance,” he told her.

“You have to! Everyone else will be there. It’ll be fun,” she prodded him.

“And who do you suppose I go with? My right or my left hand? Since that’s all the action I can get,” he said wryly.

She smacked his arm.

“Eww, stop saying crude things like that. I’m sure someone will go with you,” she said trying to be supportive.

“How about you? Will you go with me?” he tossed out hopefully.

“Oh, I can’t. James already asked me and I said yes,” she admitted softly.

“Lovely. He didn’t waste any time,” Severus said snidely.

“He was just excited. And wanted to make sure he got to me first. But we’re going as friends. That’s it,” she explained.

“Friends. Right. Okay. Look are we going to study or talk about this wretched dance affair?” he sighed.

“We can study. Sorry. I just got all giddy at the idea of something new and exciting. I mean, we hardly ever have actual fun in school. They wanted to treat us because the world is so depressing right now with You Know Who and all that.”

“I understand why they did it, I just don’t want to go. So can we drop it?”

“It’s dropped.”

“Good. Now if you’ll turn to page eighty-seven in your potions book, we can get started on the lesson,” he told her, trying to get into study mode.

She pulled out her book at flipped through the pages. She laid it open and just stared at it.

“I wonder what I’m going to wear? I’ll need my mum to pick something and send it,” she said dreamily.

“Lily, we’re learning about a dangerous potion that can kill someone if it’s made improperly. And you’re wondering what you should wear three months from now?” he groaned.

“Sorry, it’s just that’s more interesting to me right now.”

“Alright. We don’t have to study then. I’ll just study in my dorm,” he said, gathering his things to leave.

“Wait! Don’t go. I promise to concentrate. I just don’t understand why you’re not more excited. I mean, you might meet a wonderful girl to take,” she offered with a smile.

“Yes, probably. And then the sun will disappear and the earth will rotate backwards. I look forward to it,” he said sarcastically.

“Don’t be so negative. You never know what can happen. And you say girls don’t like you, but you wouldn’t know because you’ve never really tried to date them,” she pointed out.

“Because I don’t want to. Don’t you get that?” he asked.

“You need to stop waiting for me,” she informed him.

“Waiting for you? Is that what I’m doing? You know, sometimes you really are full of yourself, Lily,” he said with exasperation.

“Full of myself?” she was shocked.

“Yes. Not everything is about you. I just don’t want to go. And I don’t want to study either. So I’m leaving,” he said grabbing up his things and leaving her in the dust.

He was sick of her always assuming that everything was always about her, even if it was. But she didn’t always have to throw it in his face! He was well aware she’d never be with him and he’d stopped hoping somewhere down the line. He just was trying to be her friend. But he found that being her friend wasn’t always fun. Not when she was talking about dates with James and telling him to move on. He just couldn’t be around her right now. He needed space. And maybe he would ask some other girl just to prove he could? That would show her. He stalked off and decided that he’d need to talk to his friends again about a suitable girl to ask. And if he got real desperate, he could offer to do someone’s homework in exchange for a date. That might actually work.

.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the school dance and everyone wants to make everyone jealous.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

Some time went by and all anyone really talked about was the stupid Spring dance. Severus tried to ignore it as much as he could, but it was a hopeless endeavor. And he hadn’t stuck by his idea of asking anyone, which meant there was probably no one left to ask at this point. But when his friends saw this happening, they had to come to his rescue. There was no way they were going to let him not attend this dance and sit around pining after that stupid red haired girl that none of them thought was good enough anyway. So one evening in the Slytherin common room, his mates went to work on him.

“You can’t just not go. That’s pathetic,” Wilkes told him.

“I know, but who am I gonna ask? Everyone is already going,” Severus complained.

“Mandy isn’t going. Remember Mandy? We had a little chat with her earlier and she said if you asked, she’d say yes,” Mulciber chimed in.

“Did you pay her?” Severus asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, I didn’t pay her.”

“Did you say I’d do her homework?”

“Alright, so maybe that was mentioned. She’s not that bright of a witch. But she’s totally hot,” Mulciber reminded him.

“Great so I really would have to do her homework? I was kidding when I said I’d do that,” Severus complained.

“What’s a little homework? You’ll get to go to the dance with a hot, willing girl. It’s either that, or nothing,” Wilkes told him.

“Does she even like me? Did she even know who I was?” Severus wondered.

“Sev, everyone knows who you are now, due to that journal. And she must like you if she’s willing to go with you. Now go ask her,” Wilkes urged him and Mulciber agreed.

“Where is she?”

“She’s over there by the fireplace. Can’t miss her. The blonde with the big boobs,” Mulciber noted.

Severus looked over and saw who he was talking about and had to admit she was pretty. He’d never really taken any notice of her before. He was too wrapped up in Lily. But right now, he was tired of Lily and her rules and her running hot and cold towards him. Plus she was going with James, so that made her a traitor in his book. So it was time to take a chance on a new girl. Even if she was only doing this for homework. He forced himself up out of his chair and went over to where she was gathered with friends.

“Mandy?” he asked.

“Yes?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

She got up and walked over with him to a bookcase.

“Is this about the dance? Are you asking me?” she wondered with a grin.

“How’d you know?”

“Because your friend told me to expect it. He said you’d do my homework for a month if I went out with you,” she told him.

“Yes, well, that’s a great offer right? Do you want to go?” he asked awkwardly.

She gave him a once over and smiled a little.

“Yeah, sure. We can go. You’re not as bad as I thought. I’ve never really paid attention to you before. Until that journal,” she giggled.

“Right, yeah. The infamous journal,” he started to turn red.

“But I thought it was funny. And you obviously need to stop fixating on that other girl. Let me guess, she turned you down?” Mandy said.

“Flat out. So you see, I kind of need someone to make her insanely jealous for not going with me. Though I’m not sure she cares. But it’s a win for both of us. Free homework for you, and then you get to make Lily wish she was with me,” he explained.

“Oh honey, she’ll wish she was. Don’t you worry. I have my ways,” she smirked at him.

“Okay. Well then it’s a date?” he asked nervously.

“A date. Totally.”

“Alright. Well, thanks.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank you,” she said as she kissed his cheek and patted him on the shoulder. “I really need that homework done. I’ll be in touch about that.”

Severus just walked away and felt really confused. On one hand he was elated to have a pretty date, but on the other hand, she didn’t really like him. She was just using him. But he was just using her too. So he knew it shouldn’t bother him. He just wondered what her ‘ways’ were and how jealous Lily might get. Except he wasn’t at all sure she’d be jealous at all. She wanted him to find another girl so he’d stop wanting her. It was probably a huge disaster waiting to happen, but he was going to ride it out anyway. And for once since they announced it, he couldn’t wait for this dance. He walked back over to his friends and sat down with a smile on his face.

“She said yes,” he announced.

“Of course she did. I told you it was a sure thing,” Mulciber told him.

“I know, but it felt kind of good. Asking out another girl. And she’s nothing like Lily at all.”

“That’s the best part. And Mandy likes to talk, so expect her to talk you up really good because people will wonder why she’s going with you,” Mulciber said.

“What do you mean?”

“Just you wait and see. Mandy is a pro at this. Soon you’ll be the most sought after bloke in school,” Wilkes said with a chuckle.

Severus had no idea what that meant, but he was willing to find out. It never occurred to him that people would wonder why she was going with him, except she was pretty and popular and he wasn’t. He supposed that it would make sense that she’d need a reason better than just homework. But he assumed that’s the excuse she’d use. But his friends were assuring him that deal was private. The story she’d tell would be something totally different. He just didn’t know what it was going to be yet. He was a little nervous, but at least he had a date now. He just needed to see if his mum would send him some dress robes. She’d be pleased when he said he was taking a pureblood Slytherin girl. Especially one with huge tits. Except he’d leave out that last part for his mum. But he still hope that afforded him some decent clothes.

The next day, word had travelled about who he was taking and he assumed this was part of Mandy’s plan. He was getting a lot of pats on the back and girls were looking at him and giggling. It was really odd. That’s when Lily found him in the hallway before class and confronted him.

“You’re taking Mandy Booth to the dance?” she asked curiously.

“Sure am. What of it?” he asked back.

“Nothing. It’s just, Mandy? She’s got quite the reputation. And it’s not all that glowing,” Lily said haughtily.

“Oh you mean how she’s actually fun and doesn’t just experiment with people to see what she wants? She actually knows she wants them?” he offered.

“That’s a low blow. I was going to say she was rather easy, but perhaps I’ll say she’s a whore,” Lily shot back.

“She is not. She just likes guys. And isn’t so indecisive,” he insisted.

“Well if that’s the sort of girl you want…”

“It’s just a dance. I’m not marrying her. And why do you care at all anyway? You’re going with James.”

“I don’t care. It’s just, have you slept with Mandy?” she asked somewhat dejectedly.

“What? No. I barely know her,” he said with confusion.

“Well she’s telling anyone who will listen that you have a huge…well, you know you’re huge. She said that’s why she’s going with you,” Lily stammered awkwardly.

“She’s telling people I’m huge?” he blurted out and laughed.

“Yes!”

“So that’s why all these girls keep giggling at me and looking at my pants. I thought it had something to do with the journal,” he said thoughtfully.

“Well why is she saying that if you’ve never been with her?” Lily wanted to know.

“Maybe because it’s true. You could have found out, but you didn’t care to. So, have fun at the dance with James,” he said somewhat smugly as he patted her on the back and walked off.

He had to admit he was highly amused and embarrassed, but doing that to Lily felt incredibly good. For once it wasn’t her saying when or if they could talk or hang out. And she seemed upset, which was another plus. Maybe it would give her some food for thought. And maybe she’ll wish she had made another decision? But now he had to deal with these rumors Mandy started. But his friends were right. He was being sought after right now. Girls couldn’t stop staring. And it gave him a little extra swagger to his step. In potions class, Lily couldn’t stop staring at him either. But she had this look of confusion and bewilderment on her face. He supposed she never thought he’d get a date at all. Or that if he did, she’d be ugly. But when she overheard some girls at the next table whispering, she couldn’t help but overhear.

“Do you know what they say about a man with a big nose?” the one girl asked her friend.

“No.”

“That it means he’s got a huge cock. And now after what Mandy said, I’m insanely curious!” she giggled.

“You know that’s just an old wives tale. It’s not real. A nose has no bearing on the size of a penis,” Lily chimed in for reasons unknown to her. She just couldn’t stop talking.

“How would you know? You never gave poor Sev a real chance,” one of the girls told her.

“I did so! I let him grab my tits,” she shot back.

“Yeah, and then you didn’t go for it. You shoved him away. We all read the journal. You’re a tease,” the girl told her.

“I am not!”

“Quiet in my classroom, ladies. We’re brewing an important potion here!” Professor Slughorn interrupted them. “Ten points from Gryffindor. Now back to work!”

Lily just made a face and turned back to her cauldron. She didn’t know why this bothered her so much, but it did. She should be happy for Severus. He was moving on. That’s what she wanted for him. Except she wanted him to move on to someone who really cared about him, not someone who was just making up rumors and going with him because of something that wasn’t even true. Or at least she didn’t think it was true. She honestly didn’t know. Maybe it was true? And the fact that she was thinking about it now, made her blush and furiously add her ingredients to her potion. She didn’t want to be thinking about how huge he might be or not. But her brain was mentally trying to calculate mass and circumference and length from what she felt pressed against her back in the bed that one time. As a result, her potion turned out horribly and Professor Slughorn showed his disappointment in her. She just took her things after class and rushed off and tried to contemplate what any of this meant.

When she got to lunch, James and company were waiting for her. There had been no more incidents since Severus’s journal was leaked, and Lily had found herself warming even more towards the jovial group, truly believing they had changed and weren’t being bullies anymore. And she never stopped to put the pieces together that the reason the bullying stopped for now was two-fold. One was that they were afraid of Severus’s friends, and two, after the journal debacle they figured it was best to lay low. But Lily didn’t pick up on that at all, which was a relief to James. She’d stopped talking about the journal and so had everyone else for the most part. James had relaxed considerably as he knew there was no way anyone would figure it out now since it was ancient history. And now Lily was in his favor and going to the dance with him. Life couldn’t be better. But when she came and sat down with them, she looked a little harried.

“What’s up, buttercup?” James asked her, noting her appearance.

“Oh it’s nothing. I screwed up a potion and got points taken from Gryffindor. Not my finest moment,” she admitted with a sigh.

“But you’re an ace at potions,” James pointed out.

“Not today, I’m not. Besides I had a lot of help from Severus before. And as of late, he’s not helping me,” she told them.

“Sevvy’s not helping eh? Did he finally give up on you?” James asked.

“I think so. Which is good. I’m glad of it. It’s just now we don’t seem to be friends either,” she lamented.

“I heard some rumor about him today. It was really funny,” Peter chimed in.

“What rumor?” Sirius asked.

“I heard that he has a huge, well, you know, wand. And that’s why Mandy Booth is going to the dance with him,” Peter explained gently in front of Lily.

“You can say the word cock. He has a huge cock. I already heard the rumors myself,” she groaned.

“Eww. That’s disgusting. Who wants to hear that?” James made a face.

“Apparently a lot of girls find it fascinating,” Lily said.

“Well I just think it’s unseemly. Who wants people to hear rumors like that about them?” Remus shook his head.

“I wouldn’t mind a rumor about me like that,” Sirius laughed heartily.

“Dream on. I’ve seen you in the shower,” James ribbed him.

“Yeah, and I’ve seen you,” he shot back. “Lil’s I think you picked the wrong date,” Sirius teased her.

“Shut up,” James made a face at Sirius and flipped him off.

“I for one don’t want to hear about what anyone has in their pants. I just want to eat lunch,” Lily said throwing up her hands.

Meanwhile at Severus’s table, he was feeling pretty smug about it all. Sure it was just a rumor, but people were taking it seriously. And his friends were all getting a good laugh out of it. Mandy especially was pleased with her handiwork as she’d only told two people, and suddenly the entire school knew. It was the beauty of a rumor. They spread so easily. And she came over to Severus and sat down next to him and ruffled his hair.

“So now you see what I can do, and the dance hasn’t even happened yet,” she cooed to him sweetly.

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting this,” he admitted.

“Well I had to think of something good. I want people to be envious of me too. That’s the whole point. The homework part is just a bonus. Which speaking of, can you do my assignment from this morning? I really don’t feel like writing about vampires. It’s so boring.”

“Yeah, sure. That was the deal after all. But you know I could help you write it if you wanted to,” he offered.

“Nah, you just write it and I’ll copy it down,” she said giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks. You’re a peach.” She stood up and walked away before he could say anything else. He was thinking he could maybe spend some time with her and get to know her, but apparently that wasn’t the deal. Oh well. He’d just have to work extra hard to write two assignments. It was still worth it.

The night of the dance arrived and Severus’s mum had actually sent him some halfway decent robes. They were a little too big and slightly too long in the sleeves and lengthwise, but they were all black and navy blue and exact what he’d choose for himself. At least they weren’t ruffly like some of the robes he’d seen other boys wearing. The 1970’s were murder on fashion and he wouldn’t be caught dead in some of these outfits. But everyone else thought they were cool. Luckily his mum knew his taste and it helped that his robes were older than most so not tainted with disco vibes. His mates wore similar robes to his because they were far too refined for ruffly nonsense. They stood in their dormitory just getting ready.

“If Stella doesn’t find me irresistible in this, I don’t know what would work,” Wilkes said, admiring himself in the mirror.

“She’s gonna go nuts. Trust me. You’ll get some tonight,” Mulciber said to his pal.

“Are my robes just too big? Do I look idiotic?” Severus wondered curiously.

“No, you look perfect, mate. Mandy is gonna have a good time,” Mulciber patted him on the back.

“I’m nervous,” Severus admitted, as this was his first actual date in his entire life. The stuff with Lily didn’t really count since he’d known her forever.

“You need a little liquid courage?” Wilkes asked, producing a flask of Firewhiskey from under his robes.

Severus took a swig and handed it back and he felt a little bit better. They passed it around and finished it off and the Wilkes hid the empty flask in his trunk. They boys were feeling quite nice after this, but not drunk off their asses. Just enough to be relaxed and confident. And then they set off to go meet their girls.

Meanwhile, Lily was getting ready with her friends. Her mum had sent her a lovely green dress that matched her eyes and she felt like a princess in it. Her friends kept asking her questions about James.

“So do you think you’ll kiss him finally tonight?” her girlfriend asked.

“Maybe? I don’t know. We’re just going as friends,” Lily clarified.

“Why just friends? He’s a hot one.”

“Because friends is all I really want right now. But I don’t know. These last few months he’s been so nice and sweet. I might change my mind,” Lily remarked, getting her hair just right.

“I’d kiss him. Or at least give him a pity grab like you gave that other poor sod,” her friend giggled.

“Shut up about that. And he’s not much of a poor sod now. Taking Mandy Booth,” Lily sighed.

“Yeah, that’s so weird. But if the rumors are true, I can see why she’s doing it. Think they’ll actually go all the way?” her friend wondered.

“Ugh, I doubt it. At school?”

“I’ve done it here!” her other friend raised her hand.

“You’re crazy. I don’t think they’d be that crazy,” she insisted.

“You don’t know Mandy then.”

“I don’t really want to think of Mandy. Or Severus. I’d rather just concentrate on James.”

“Well you look amazing. His socks will be knocked off. Let’s go get this dance started!” her friend said happily.

She followed the three of them out to go meet their dates, but Lily’s date wasn’t quite ready yet. James was fretting in the mirror about his hair.

“I look ridiculous. She’s never going to kiss me with hair like this,” he complained.

“Relax. Yes, she will. It looks the same as it always does,” Sirius reminded him.

“Yes, but tonight it special. I’m supposed to look better.”

“You look fine. At least you have a date,” Peter lamented unhappily.

“You didn’t ask anyone!” Sirius reminded him.

“No one would go with me. You know that,” he told them all.

“I don’t have a date either. We’re gonna be men who go stag and pick up the girls who get mad at their dates,” Remus chuckled to himself.

“I wasn’t going without a date. Sorry guys, but Sheila was calling my name,” Sirius laughed.

“Think you’ll kiss her? Someone has to get kissed,” Peter said trying to live vicariously through his friends.

“I plan to. I’m sure she’ll let me. I mean, look at me. I’m gorgeous,” Sirius joked, flipping his long curly hair and making a kissy face.

“Hello? No one is paying attention to my ridiculous hair. Lily is going to laugh at me,” James said desperately.

“Get some of your hair potion for fucks sake. You always have that and never use it. So stop complaining,” Sirius threw a pillow at him.

“Right. It’s in my trunk. Lemme search for it,” James sighed, giving up on non-magical means to look presentable.

He tossed everything out of the trunk and found the bottle of hair potion hiding at the bottom. He slicked that on and magically his hair was smooth and lying down flat. But it was a little too flat now, so he had to muss it up again slightly.

“Will you hurry up? We’re gonna be late!” Sirius bugged him.

“Alright, alright, I’m done. Let’s just go,” he said quickly, not taking the time to put his trunk back together. He figured he’d just deal with the mess later.

Everyone met up with their dates and James was bowled over by how beautiful Lily looked. While Severus was equally as bowled over by how sexy Mandy looked. Her dress was sparkly and blue and had a slit up the side that wasn’t too daring, but daring enough. He was going to be the envy of everyone. But when he got to the hall and saw Lily standing there in her green dress, his hardened heart melted a little. She was gorgeous too, but in a more demure way than Mandy. Mandy looked like she got around. Lily looked utterly innocent and charming with a barrette of a flower in her hair and a dress that made her eyes even more green. But he saw her hanging on James’s arm, and immediately came back to reality. She was there with the enemy. So he looked away from her and back at Mandy again.

“Still pining for that girl? I don’t see what’s so special about her,” Mandy sighed, noticing him looking at her.

“She just looks pretty tonight. But you look better. Trust me. You look amazing,” he smiled at her.

“Of course I do. Now are we gonna dance?” she asked curiously.

“It’s a fast song. I don’t dance so good to fast songs,” he admitted.

“Well pretend you do,” she grabbed his hand and yanked him out to the dance floor with her.

Lily spied the two of them dancing and for some reason it upset her far more than it should. She’d barely spoken to Severus in weeks, but tonight she noticed how handsome he looked in his dress robes. And also how happy he looked dancing with Mandy. And she knew for a fact he hated dancing fast, and only did it with her a few times to make her happy. Part of her was disappointed he’d break his unspoken rules about not dancing for someone else. She had felt special when he did it for only her.

“What are you looking at?” James asked, noting her far away expression.

“Oh nothing. I just saw Severus and Mandy dancing,” she said softly.

“Oh. She’s got a horrible reputation, you know. Sleeps with any guy who moves,” James said with irritation that Lily was looking at Severus at all.

“She probably has herpes,” Lily muttered.

“Huh? What’s a herpes?” James asked curiously.

“Nothing. It’s a Muggle thing. It just means she’s probably got sexual diseases. Tramp,” she said distastefully.

“Don’t think about them. Why don’t we dance?” he offered her.

“Yes, lets. I love this song,” she smiled, trying to get her head into her own date and not Severus’s.

As Mandy and Severus were dancing she leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“Your Mudblood keeps giving me the evil stare down. I think she’s as green as her dress with envy,” Mandy laughed.

“Good. Let her be. That just means it’s working. Doesn’t want me, but doesn’t want anyone else to have me,” he muttered to himself.

“I could kiss you. If you wanted. If it would help,” she offered to him.

“Kiss me? Really?” he was a little shocked.

“You look really handsome. It wouldn’t be a hardship,” she smiled at him.

“Okay. But make sure she’s looking when you do.”

Mandy just smiled and grabbed his hand and then worked their way through the crowd so they were dancing almost right next to Lily and James. Then the song turned slow and she wrapped her arms around Severus. He had to admit it was difficult to keep his mind on making Lily jealous when such a beautiful girl had her body pressed against his and was rubbing up against him. But Mandy made sure Lily was looking and then she planted a kiss right on Severus’s mouth. And it was a good kiss too. So good, he forgot who he was kissing and really got into it. Then they pulled away breathlessly.

“Damn, you can kiss. I had no idea,” Mandy laughed.

“So can you. That was nice.”

“Nice? It was more than nice. It was hot!”

She leaned over and kissed him again and Lily watched the entire thing unfold, much to James’s dismay. She was more focused on what was happening with Snivelly than the extra effort he’d put into his hair.

“Do you see them kissing like that? Right in front of the whole crowd! It’s disgusting,” Lily scoffed making a face.

“You know, we could kiss too,” he offered somewhat desperately.

“Yeah, we could,” she said absently.

“So how about it Lil’s? Wanna go for bold and just make out on the dance floor?” James asked hopefully.

She leaned up and planted her lips on his and gave him a big kiss. The only problem was, Severus didn’t see it. He was too busy laughing and talking with Mandy. Lily looked at James.

“Let’s go somewhere else. Like someplace private,” she told him conspiratorially.

“Someplace private?”

“Yes.” Lily figured Mandy wasn’t the only one who could be loose with her affections. But she wasn’t going to get crazy in the Great Hall in front of people. But she wanted to be bad. Specifically with James. And if Severus heard about it, he’d no doubt blow a gasket. And that’s what she wanted at this moment, even if she couldn’t understand why it mattered. She didn’t want him. She wanted him to move on. But seeing him with someone else was too much for her to take. Now she understood why he had such trouble seeing her with James. She hadn’t understood until now.

“Where should we go?” James asked curiously, unsure of just how private she wanted to be.

“Your dorm. Everyone is here. No one will know I even went in there. Come on, let’s go,” she grabbed his hand and yanked him along with her.

His dorm, he thought? She was crazy tonight. Were they going to do it? He had no idea. Their kiss on the dance floor was their first real kiss and she seemed nonplussed over it. But now she wanted to go to his dorm? Who was he to argue, right? He let her lead them off and they disappeared from the dance and made their way towards the Gryffindor tower. They had to dodge teachers posted at different points, but they made their way up the stairs and tumbled into the common room together laughing.

“Lead the way to your room,” she whispered to him happily.

She was going to prove to James she was capable of letting someone else get a boob grab and not just for pity’s sake. She wanted James to be her first real total make-out experience, complete with hands in wrong places. She was ready tonight. If Severus was going to make out with Mandy in front of her, she’d do a lot worse than that. They snuck up the stairs into his empty dorm room. And then she just grabbed him and kissed him again. He didn’t protest, especially when she was pushing him over towards the bed. But the contents of his trunk were strewn everywhere, making little land mines that she kept tripping over. She started laughing into his kiss.

“Your room is a mess,” she whispered.

“I know. I’m sorry. But you can keep kissing me,” he whispered back as they kissed some more and kept moving towards the bed.

Just then Lily’s feet got tangled in something and she nearly toppled over. They stopped kissing long enough for her to see what it was and to untangle it. She reached down and picked up a piece of fabric and then noticed her hand magically disappeared when she touched it. Then she looked at her feet and they were invisible.

“What the hell is this?” she asked with much confusion.

James noticed the Invisibility Cloak and panicked.

“Oh God, that’s nothing! Just some fabric I have!”

“It’s making me invisible,” she said with wonder as she untangled it fully and picked it up. She held it in front of her and wrapped it around her shoulders, effectively making her invisible except for her head. “Oh my God. It was you.”

“What do you mean?” James asked, knowing full well Lily was putting the pieces together too quickly for his taste.

“You have a fucking invisibility cloak! Just like Severus said you did. And you used this to steal the journal, didn’t you?” she prodded him.

“Lily, that’s not how it happened,” he tried to explain his way out of it.

“Then how did it happen? You swore you didn’t have this. You said it didn’t even exist. You lied right to my face!” she said, whipping the cloak off and throwing it at him.

“Lily, I can explain. The journal thing was never meant to hurt you,” he told her.

“Not meant to hurt me? What did you think would happen? Didn’t you read it?”

“No! I didn’t read but part of it. I wanted you to see Severus talking about attacking us. I wanted everyone to know what a low life he was. I had no idea the rest of that stuff was in the journal!”

“Oh my God. You are disgusting. You stole someone’s private journal and purposely left it out. You’re horrible! Do you realize how much humiliation I suffered from that? That I still suffer from that?” she asked with tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry! I really am. I wish I’d read more of it before leaking it. You never even saw his plan of attack!” James said desperately.

“I don’t care about his plan of attack. You probably would have deserved it! You are a liar and a scum. Don’t talk to me anymore,” she said tearfully as she ran out of his dorm and disappeared.

“Fuck! Fuck! So goddamn close and then this. Fuck me!” James cursed to himself angrily. Now he’d never make any headway with Lily again. She would never forgive him for this one.

Lily just ran off with tears streaming down her face and wanted to find Severus and tell him he was right about James. But when she got back down to the dance, she didn’t see him or Mandy. She needed to talk to him. This changed everything. Or at least between her and James. She needed to share this with her best friend. So she ran up to one of his friends and asked him where he was.

“Where is he?” she asked tearfully.

“Uh, I don’t know. He and Mandy snuck off,” Wilkes shrugged, not paying Lily much mind.

“Snuck off where?”

“Towards the dungeons. Probably getting in a quick shag before someone catches them. I’d leave them alone if I were you,” Wilkes told her.

“You’re not me. And I have something to tell him. Something important. I have to find him,” she said, running off towards the dungeons.

She made her way through the school, dodging teachers left and right, and finally made her way down towards the dungeons. Which posed a problem since she couldn’t get in, but she was hoping someone might be there to let her in. But instead she stumbled into a corridor where Severus and Mandy were standing alone and partially hidden in shadows. They were kissing and his hands were inside her dress, caressing her breasts and her hand was down inside his pants. Lily gasped when she saw the sight and the two of them leapt apart thinking it was a teacher that found them. But instead it was a crying Lily who was even more heartbroken than she was before. Severus had definitely moved on without her. And now she didn’t have James either. She just stared at Severus and didn’t know what to say.

“What’s the matter, Lily?” he asked with genuine concern, seeing her tears.

“Nothing. Never mind. I’ll just leave you alone,” she said quickly, running off the other direction.

Severus went to go after her, but Mandy pulled him back.

“Let her go. Obviously the dance got to her. Which means your plan worked. Now let her stew in it,” Mandy told him.

“But I don’t want her to cry. That’s not my plan. I just wanted her a little jealous.”

“Well I think she is. Crying like a baby. It’s cute. But can’t we just get back to what we were doing?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“You still want to? I mean, Lily is jealous and we already left the dance. You don’t have to pretend to like me anymore,” he told her seriously.

“Who said I’m pretending? I said you looked handsome tonight. And I wanna finish what we started,” she smirked.

He thought about Lily and his heart broke that she was obviously this shaken up over seeing him with another girl. But then the guy who lived in his pants really, really wanted a girls hand clutching onto it again like before Lily had interrupted them. He decided to go with the guy in his pants. Lily would still be there later. So he went back to kissing Mandy and she yanked him into the dark and stuck her hand right back into his pants.

“You know, you are huge,” she remarked as he kissed her neck and they both smiled to themselves.

For once Severus didn’t feel like someone’s pity experiment. It started out that way again, but Mandy didn’t have to do this. And yet she wanted to. That put her a step above Lily right about now. He just had no idea she’d be so upset. He figured she might be a little annoyed seeing him with a beautiful girl, but he didn’t intend for her to see them fooling around so thoroughly. In fact, he didn’t expect to be fooling around so thoroughly. But when Mandy stuck her hand in his pants, he wasn’t going to stop her. He just hoped Lily would be okay. He pushed her out of his mind and just relished the moment with Mandy. It was his first time being touched this way by a girl and he wasn’t going to let Lily ruin it. He didn’t want her ruining anything for him again. She’d made her choice in James, and now she was stuck with it.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deals with the aftermath of the dance.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

The morning after the dance, Severus woke up in his bed and had momentarily forgotten the night before. He had been drinking a bit and his mind was fuzzy, but then it all came back to him. Lily crying and running away and he and Mandy making time in the darkest most secluded part of the castle. He smiled to himself when he remembered the second part, as that had been something amazing he’d never experienced before. Mandy had finished him off, right there in the corner. And he had his hands on bare tits. Not just through a thick sweater but actually naked as Mandy wasn’t even wearing a bra in her dress. It was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. But then he frowned slightly when he remembered how devastated Lily had looked catching them. He didn’t think she’d care that much. After all, it was her insistence that he stop waiting for her. So that’s what he did. He moved on. But alas, his heart was still with her. Therefore he was starting to feel guilty over what he did with Mandy.

But that didn’t last long before his mates woke up and immediately jumped on his bed and prodded him for details. They’d all come in at various hours and didn’t have a chance to talk before now. But his mates were dying to know what happened.

“So did you fuck her?” Wilkes wondered curiously as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“No, I didn’t fuck her. But something happened,” Severus said with a grin.

“What? A blowie then?”

“No. Something less exciting than that. But still good! She used her hand,” Severus said awkwardly.

“A hand job? Not bad. I mean, after all she only went out with you for homework. So I say bravo,” Mulciber smiled.

“It was amazing. I mean, I realize it’s not as good as actual shagging, but a girl touched me. And she wanted to. This is the best day of my life,” Severus sighed happily. “What about you two? Did you get anywhere with your dates?”

“Shit no. Not really. It was a major let down. I got to feel some titties over Stella’s dress, but that was it. McGonagall caught us and ripped us apart with a flick of her wand. Talk about a buzzkill,” Wilkes sighed.

“I didn’t even make it that far. My date told me she’s waiting for marriage like an old fashioned woman from the 1800’s. All she would do was kiss me and barely any tongue.” Mulciber lamented.

“Seems like old Severus here is the only one who actually did anything noteworthy. Good on you mate! It’s about fucking time!” Wilkes patted him on the back.

“Yeah, it was perfect. Except Lily found us. She seemed really upset. She was crying and everything. I felt like shit,” he admitted.

“Shit? Why? You wanted her jealous. So obviously she sees what she’s missing now,” Mulciber said.

“Yeah, but I didn’t want her to cry. I almost ran after her. But the Firewhiskey and Mandy’s grabby hands changed my mind,” he said, turning slightly red with embarrassment.

“Let the Mudblood stew for a while. You asked her to the dance and she chose Potter. Who by the way, was seen alone for the majority of the evening after you left, Sev. He looked really pissed and upset. My guess is your girl dumped him right in the middle of the dance. It was priceless. He was running around asking if anyone had seen her. His stupid friends were looking for her too. But fuck if I know if they found her. Maybe she threw herself off the Astronomy tower?” Wilkes shrugged.

“That’s not funny. She better not have. I certainly didn’t expect her to be that upset by me and Mandy,” Severus said with a worried expression.

“I’m sure she’s fine. She probably just hid in the girls loo for a while,” Mulciber assured him.

“I should probably check on her though,” Severus told them, as he crawled out of bed and sat on the edge.

“It’s not breakfast yet. You’ve got time. And wouldn’t you rather go into the common room and see if Mandy is there,” Wilkes poked him in the side.

“I-I don’t know if Mandy actually likes me. I mean, it was for show. And free homework,” he noted.

“No one said she had to give you a hand job,” Wilkes pointed out.

“True. And no one was even around to see it. At least after Lily ran away.”

“Exactly. And if she just did that to help you make Lily jealous, she would have stopped when it worked. Not keep going till you were done,” Mulciber laughed.

“I hadn’t thought of that. Do you think Mandy and I are together now?” Severus wondered.

“Only one way to find out. Go out there and talk to her!” Wilkes shoved him off the bed and he tumbled to the floor.

“Ouch! Okay, okay. I’ll get dressed and go speak to her,” he said picking himself off the floor.

Meanwhile, things weren’t going quite as swimmingly in Gryffindor tower. Lily had spent most of her night crying herself to sleep. And she wasn’t even sure why exactly. Except she was furious at James who was not a nice guy like she thought he was. She should have realized it much sooner because Severus had tried to explain to her what an utter prat he really was. But he was so charming to her, she fell for it. But now she was pissed at him. And Severus? She didn’t even know what to think of him. On one hand, she wanted to be happy that he was happy. Except Mandy was trashy and easy. He deserved better. And also she was hurt that instead of checking on her when she was so obviously distraught, he chose to stay back with Mandy and do God only knows what. She had a good idea seeing as how her hand was in his pants. He probably had sex with her. Severus, the saddest sack she’d ever seen, was probably not even a virgin anymore. And if Mandy was true to form, the whole school would be talking about it. And that just ripped little pieces of Lily’s heart out. The little pieces that still somehow wished she was his one and only. The selfish part of her that wished she’d picked differently before. She thought Severus would always pine for her and she could take her time and see how things went with James. But the truth was, Severus deserved better than that. And she knew it. And she was horrified at herself for such self-serving ideas. She just never imagined that the boy who said he’d love her forever, might not actually want to wait forever. It was all her fault he went out with Mandy. And now she’d lost him and James both in the same night. She still felt like crying when she opened her eyes, but they were already puffy from crying all night.

Her girlfriends were up and about and Lily just pretended to be asleep still. At least until they forcefully woke her and told her it was time to eat breakfast. She really did not want to go, but her friends made her get up.

“Why so glum, Lily? Didn’t things go well last night? You got in late,” her friend asked her.

“No things didn’t go well. I don’t want to talk about it. But no, it was very far from well,” she sighed unhappily.

“Ugh. James not as perfect as he seems?”

“No, he’s really not. And there were some other things too. It’s a long story. But I don’t want to get into it. Let’s just get dressed and eat,” she said, holding up her hand to stop any questions.

They just let her be, and they all walked down into the common room together where James was waiting desperately to talk to Lily.

“Lily! Lily! Please let me explain,” he said, rushing over to her.

“You already explained. And you are an asshole. I don’t want to talk to you,” Lily said, trying to brush past him.

“Look, your little friend attacked us in the courtyard. You saw. I wanted to get him back. I had no idea it was going to hurt you in the process!” he pleaded his case.

“What I saw in the courtyard was my little friend patching you and Sirius up. And then I seem to recall you telling me you’d be the bigger man and not retaliate against someone who never actually did anything in the first place! You said it was his friend. And somehow you decide to steal Severus’s journal and ruin both of our lives. Some bigger man,” Lily spat at him.

“I never knew you’d be hurt.”

“But you knew Severus would be and he didn’t even do anything to you that day! You admitted it yourself that it wasn’t him!” she shouted.

“Lil’s calm down. It’s just a stupid prank that went wrong,” James pleaded with her.

“Stop calling me Lil’s. It’s Lily. And I’m done speaking to you,” she said as she turned on her heel and left through the portrait hole.

James’s friends walked up behind him and Sirius put his hand on his back.

“So…that didn’t go as planned,” he muttered to his friend.

“No, it did not. She fucking hates me. Why did you guys let me leave the cloak just lying on the fucking floor?” he turned on them.

“Hey! You’re the one who threw everything out! I didn’t even notice it. Don’t blame us!” Sirius told him.

“Besides who knew you’d sneak Lily into your room. We didn’t know that,” Remus pointed out.

“Fuck. I know. Why’d she wanna come up there? Damn it! I wasn’t thinking at all. I was just thinking, ‘Lily wants to go in my room!’ and everything else is a blur,” James lamented.

“You can try and make it right. Apologize some more. Maybe flowers?” Peter offered.

“No, that’s not going to work. Nothing will. Except time. And I don’t have a whole lot of that left before school will be out.”

“We’ve got two months,” Sirius reminded him.

“Yeah, like I said, not enough time. It’s gonna take her a while to get over this one. I’m doomed.”

And the three of his most loyal friends had to agree. They just did so silently.

When Severus finally got dressed and entered the common room, Mandy wasn’t there. She’d already left for breakfast. So he made his way to the Great Hall and hoped he’d see her there. He found her sitting with some friends and he came up to her eagerly.

“Hey Mandy,” he said with a smile.

“Oh hey, Severus. What’s up?” Mandy asked curiously.

“Uh, nothing. I was just wondering if you wanted to sit with me or something now?” he stammered awkwardly.

“Sit with you? Oh, that’s sweet. But no. I’m okay where I am. I hope you don’t think that because of last night that it meant something was happening here,” she said, just as awkwardly.

“Oh, of course not. I knew it was all just for show,” he said shaking his head.

“Well it wasn’t all just for show. But it still doesn’t mean anything. I did you a favor and you did me one by doing my homework. We’re even now,” she smiled.

“Even? But why’d you do that thing last night if you didn’t like me?” he wondered, as he turned red with embarrassment.

She stood up and pulled him to the side.

“Listen, it was a good time. I had fun. Didn’t you have fun? Let’s not get engaged or anything,” she laughed slightly. “I just did what I knew you wanted. I owed you a good time. But we’re done now.”

“Okay. I get it. Done now,” he said with some disappointment.

“Yeah, done. It’s not that I don’t like you. You’re a sweetie. It’s just, you’re not my type. Sorry. But it was fun doing business with you,” she leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Feel free to say hi to me and I’ll say hi back. But let’s leave it at that.”

“Alright,” he said quietly, feeling like a fool.

She just walked away from him and sat back down with her friends. He stood there a moment and didn’t know what to do. Then he just turned and went to sit with his friends.

“So what’s the story with Mandy?” Wilkes asked, dying of curiosity.

“Yeah, she doesn’t like me. Apparently hand jobs are like air kisses in her world. She said we were done. I wasn’t her type. But that she’d say hi to me if I said hi first. That’s it. I afforded her to acknowledge my existence and nothing else.”

“Ouch. Tough break,” Wilkes said with a cringe.

“Yeah. Except why do I feel okay with this in a weird way?” he wondered curiously to his friend.

“Because you don’t give two shits less about Mandy. I mean, it would have been swell if you were together now, but let’s face it. You got more than most guys got last night. And talk about wanking material to last you for weeks. Just forget it and move on,” Wilkes said.

“I agree. You don’t care enough about her to be hurt by it. This is what it’s like being an adult. They fuck people all the time and it means nothing. It’s the 70’s. Everyone out there in the world is high on something and fucking their brains out. I can’t wait to get out of this school and start my life,” Mulciber said wistfully.

“I guess this is what it’s like to grow up then. Because I thought I’d care that Mandy blew me off, but I don’t. I don’t love her,” Severus noted to himself.

“No, you don’t.”

“I love Lily. And she’s upset. I need to see her now and explain how Mandy doesn’t mean anything,” he said standing up from the table.

“Wait, you haven’t eaten!” Wilkes told him.

“Not hungry. I need to speak to Lily,” he said as he rushed off towards the Gryffindor table.

But she wasn’t sitting there with her friends. James and company all glared at him as usual, but Lily was missing in action. So he decided to try and find her. He wandered out into the hall and found her standing by a pillar wiping her eyes. He couldn’t believe she was still this upset over him and Mandy. He walked up to her.

“Lily?” he asked softly.

She looked up and saw him.

“Oh, it’s you,” she said with a sigh.

“Yeah. Look, about last night. Mandy doesn’t mean anything to me,” he said quickly.

“I don’t care about Mandy right now. I’m more upset over James,” she interrupted him.

“What?”

“You were right the entire time. It was him who leaked your journal. He does have an invisibility cloak. I found it. You were right all along,” she said with tears forming again.

“Oh. Well shit. Points to me for guessing that completely ridiculous notion. He’s got an invisibility cloak? For real?” Severus was surprised.

“Yes! And he used it. And he humiliated us both. I can’t believe I even kissed him or went to the dance with him. I was going to let him touch me, but forget it! Never. No way. He’s dreadful,” she cried angrily.

“I’m sorry that happened. But I warned you. You never listened. Is that why you were crying last night?” he asked, suddenly realizing her tears might not have been about him at all.

“Yes, that’s why I was crying. I was going to tell you and I figured you’d be mad with me. But you were…well, you were otherwise occupied. Yuck, by the way,” she added making a face at him.

“Oh. I thought you were crying for a different reason. But of course you weren’t. I’m so stupid. I actually thought you were crying over me,” he said feeling his ears turn red with humiliation.

“I was crying well before I saw you. But I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting to catch you in such a compromising position,” she admitted softly.

“Yeah, well, you said it yourself. Mandy is easy. I really thought it was me who had upset you. God I’m a moron. You were probably relieved to see me with someone else,” he muttered unhappily to himself.

“Did you sleep with her?” she asked quietly, unsure how she’d feel about the answer.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Good?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah, good. I mean, she’s so icky. Everyone’s had her. You deserve better,” she smiled somewhat.

“Thanks. Although I’m not sure I can get better,” he sighed.

“You can. And you will. Someday. Guess I’m not your first anymore for everything,” she told him softly, remembering how Mandy had her hand in his pants.

“Nope. Not this time. But you can be my second if you want,” he said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood and the fact that he felt like an imbecile.

“Maybe some other time,” she laughed slightly.

“I’m still a virgin so there’s always that first time you could give me,” he offered.

“I think I’ll pass,” she made a face at him. “So why are you not more shocked and appalled by James being the one who leaked the journal?”

“Oh that. Um, well, for one, I already knew it was him somehow. And two, I don’t really care anymore. It was ages ago. And people actually know who I am now. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been,” he shrugged.

“So you’re not mad? At all?” she was surprised.

“No I am. I’m pissed. Makes me wonder what else he did with that cloak. But what am I going to do? Attack him? I could, but then you’d get all pissy again and be like ‘let’s sing Kumbaya and be best pals’ so why even bother to go there?”

“So you’re not going to retaliate?” she asked curiously.

“Lily, I don’t have to. I already won. He lost you, didn’t he? I’d say he got what he deserved.”

“He did lose me. Totally. He’ll have to really grovel to ever see my good side again,” she grumbled.

“Grovel? So you’re saying there’s still a chance you’ll forgive him?” he asked with confusion.

“No. I just meant if I were, he’d have to grovel a lot,” she clarified.

“Well good. He doesn’t deserve another chance.”

“Neither does Mandy. Are you still going to see her?”

“No. Mandy was a one time thing.”

“Good.”

“Why do you really care about that?”

“I don’t really. It’s just, you could do better. Like I said.”

“I doubt it.”

“I don’t. And whether you believe it or not, you could do better than me too.”

“What do you mean?” he asked with bewilderment.

“It’s just, I didn’t like seeing you with her. It hurt. But I wanted you to find someone else. I just didn’t imagine I’d have to see it,” she admitted softly. “So you see, I’m not a very good friend.”

“Yeah, you are. I wanted to make you jealous. I just didn’t know if it would work,” he confessed.

“It did. Too much. But that doesn’t change anything between us,” she told him.

“Why doesn’t it? If it bothered you to see us?” he asked confused.

“Because we’re just not right together. And I’m a shit for not wanting to see you move on. I guess I just liked being your one true love,” she said blushing slightly.

“You still are. Last night didn’t change that.”

“Oh Severus. You definitely deserve better than me.”

“What if I don’t want anyone better?”

“You will. Someday, you will. Trust me.”

He just stared at her for a minute and then didn’t know what else to say. He felt idiotic for thinking he had the power to make her burst into tears at the sight of him with another girl. In the end, James was the only one with the power enough to hurt her that way. And she still didn’t want him, even if the sight did bother her a little. It wasn’t enough to change things. He didn’t understand why not, but he wasn’t going to argue with her. Finally he spoke.

“Right. Okay. Well, I’m gonna eat before there’s nothing left. I’ll see you around,” he told her.

“Alright.”

She watched him go and Severus did realize Lily wasn’t being the best friend she claimed to be. She was being incredibly unfair to him. She didn’t want him, but didn’t want anyone else to have him either. Maybe he was better off without her? That was something he had to ponder greatly, even if it pained him to do so. But he had a blind spot where she was concerned. She could do no wrong. But lately he’d been thinking otherwise. And maybe it was time for him to really move forward. No more trying to make her jealous. Just actual moving forward. She was never going to love him. And if that was the case, he needed to let her go. It was just making his heart believe that, that would be the challenge. But he was going to try.

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus go their separate ways. For now...

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

Some time passed and Severus had a lot of time to think about what Lily had said to him. She wasn’t a very good friend. She didn’t want to be with him, but she didn’t want him to be with anyone else either. That was the most selfish thing he could think of, and even she admitted it was selfish and wrong. He began to think the best thing for them would be to have distance between them. He stopped following her around like a lost puppy dog, and she in turn spent more and more time with her girlfriends and kept having to fend of James’s apologies for his stupid little stunt she now knew all about. She was happier to be free of all the men in her life, and Severus was dealing with it all the only way he knew how. He was getting closer and closer to his friends, and delving deeper and deeper into the dark arts. They fascinated him, and even if he knew Lily didn’t approve, it didn’t seem to matter much now because she really wasn’t a part of his life. And that was mostly his choice. She kept away from him, but he also kept away from her. But there wasn’t any animosity. It was just that Severus believed for once that life could go on without her in it. And she wanted him to be free and not chained to the memory of their childhood friendship and love. But it was still sad for both of them. There were times they would meet in the hallways and exchange glances and smiles, but it rarely ever went further than that. And then came the end of term, and everyone went home for the summer. On the train ride back, Severus sat with his buddies, Lily sat with her friends, and the Maurauders sulked with James in their own car, still upset that Lily would no longer give any of them the time of day.

But things began to change over that summer for Lily. James was relentless with his owls and invitations for Lily to come spend time with him at his house. He wanted to make it up to her. Lily found herself wanting to ask Severus for his advice, but the one time she tried to go see him, his mum informed her he was away in London with friends. He wasn’t spending the summer in Spinners End like she was. True to his word, now that he could apparate places, he was rarely home. He was living a completely separate life now, and Lily realized she had no place there. What she didn’t know was that he missed her greatly. He just figured it was futile to tell her so or to try and see her. So he got deeper and deeper into this other world where she’d never belong. It gave him a sense of approval he’d always sought and wanted. He felt like he mattered and belonged somewhere. Whereas Lily was just feeling lonely with no one but Petunia to keep her company, and that was no company at all. They still didn’t get along well, despite their parents best efforts to make them bond. Lily just longed to get away from her home just like Severus had done. Except she didn’t have a need to see London and had no friends there. Which was why when James asked yet again for her to come visit him, she finally accepted his offer. If Severus wanted nothing more to do with her, then what did it matter if she hung around the bully who used to torment him? He wasn’t around to care. And James and his friends hadn’t pulled anything since the journal incident, and Lily thought maybe they really had grown up a little and weren’t such idiots anymore. So she ventured off to visit James, much to her parents chagrin, but she was an adult now in the magical world. She could apparate and use magic and do whatever she wanted. So they had let her go, despite still feeling like she was a child to them, but they saw how depressed and lonely she was sitting around the house.

When she arrived at James’s place, it was a lot bigger than she imagined it’d be. It was a mansion really. And his parents, while extremely welcoming and pleasant, were far older than Lily had thought they were too. James explained how he was a surprise child, long after they’d given up hope of having one. And of course, Sirius lived there too. He’d run away from home and the Potter’s had taken him in. After spending a day with them, Lily kind of wished they’d take her in too. They were that nice. And it made her see a totally different side of James. He was polite and respectful of his parents. And even if he joked around with Sirius a lot, nothing he said or did was mean spirited. He seemed almost a new man. And when James begged Sirius to leave them alone so they could go out for a walk, Lily found herself allowing James to hold her hand as they strolled the vast property.

“So, your family is quite well to do, aren’t they? This place it phenomenal,” Lily remarked to him as they walked.

“They do okay. I guess I’m just used to it so it doesn’t really affect me much,” James shrugged.

“And yet you buy me extravagant gifts that are completely over the top,” she giggled.

“That’s just what we Potter’s do. I’m not trying to flaunt the money or win you over with it. It’s just I have the means to buy you things that are just as lovely as you,” he smiled at her.

“Well, maybe one day I’ll actually let you give me something without throwing it in a river,” she said with a raised eyebrow.

“That would be swell. I still can’t believe you did that to my Christmas present,” he shook his head in amusement.

“I should probably tell you the truth,” she said, stopping their walk and letting go of his hand.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“It wasn’t me who threw the necklace in the river.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No. It was Severus. But before you freak out and start calling him names, he was just really stupid and jealous. And I wasn’t going to keep the necklace anyway. I was going to force you to take it back. But he tossed it in the river before I could,” she explained hurriedly.

James just stared at her for a second, then he started laughing.

“That slimy little git! I can’t believe it. Wait, no, I can believe it. What a fucking asshole. Does he know how much that necklace cost?” James asked incredulously, but he was more amused than angry.

“He had some idea. It was a huge ordeal. My parents found out and made him do manual labor to work off the debt. But really, I didn’t care. But I just thought you should know it wasn’t me who did that,” she told him.

“Shit, I knew he was an idiot, but I had no idea he’d do something like that. Good thing I didn’t send you a kitten like I was thinking of doing. God only knows what he would have done to that,” James sighed.

“A kitten? Why would you send me a kitten?” she inquired curiously.

“Well because you love cats. And I know you’ve already got one, but who can resist a kitten? There was a stray I found and I wanted to give it to you, but it’s kind of hard to send a kitten by owl. So I went with a necklace.”

“Good thinking. But if you’d sent a kitten, I would never let Severus steal it. You’re right, I do love cats. But my parents would probably make me give it away anyway,” she lamented.

“All the more reason I went with jewelry. I still can’t believe that dickhead threw it away. Why were you even friends with him at all? I still don’t get it,” James shook his head.

“We’re not really friends now. He sort of ditched me. I think he was tired of me leading him on when I never meant to. But I admit I was indecisive about my feelings towards him for a short time. The whole thing was a disaster though,” she recalled.

“Did you really kiss him and let him feel you up?” James asked with a cringe.

She sighed. “Yes. I did do that. It was an experiment. I just wanted to see if I had romantic feelings for him. But it was too awkward. He’s awkward. I don’t know. It was dumb of me. But no one was supposed to know!”

“Yeah, sorry about that again. I had no idea what was in that journal. You gotta believe me,” he pleaded with her.

“I know. I believe you. I had no idea what was in it either. But now the world knows,” she said grumpily.

He took her hand again. “I really am sorry. If I had known you’d be humiliated, I never would have done it. I realize it was still wrong to do to Sevvy too, but I just fucking hate that git. Now more than ever. Not only did he throw my four hundred galleon necklace away, but he got to touch you in ways you’d never let me. I’m not pitiful enough apparently.”

“Oh stop it. Do you think I only let guys kiss me and touch me out of pity?” she scoffed.

He raised his eyebrow at her. “So other boys have touched you, not out of pity?”

“No! No one else has. But I did kiss you. Several times. Remember? The night of the dance? Until you ruined it with your invisibility cloak.”

“That’s true. We did kiss. It was pretty hard to forget,” he smiled at her.

“So see, I do things that aren’t for pity,” she informed him.

“Yeah, but you were trying to make Snivelly jealous weren’t you? You couldn’t stand to see him with that Mandy girl. Don’t think I didn’t catch you watching them,” he reminded her.

“Guilty as charged. It was to make him jealous. But that was stupid because I don’t want to be with him anyway. I just couldn’t deal with him getting more action than me,” she admitted.

“Am I ever going to get a real kiss? One that isn’t pity or to make someone jealous?” James wondered.

She looked at him slyly and smiled. “Play your cards right…”

“Gotcha. Am I doing okay so far?” he wondered.

“Perfect,” she grinned.

“See, I told you I’m not such a bad guy. I’m really quite charming and good looking too. I’m a catch. I knew you’d come around,” he said jokingly.

She shoved him playfully. “And you’re so humble too.”

He just smiled and grabbed her hand and started walking again. And Lily had to admit it was incredibly pleasant and lovely and her heart was warming towards James a little more with each step they took. They ended up walking the grounds for a long time, just talking and watching the sunset and enjoying each other’s company. Before they made their way back up to the house, Lily stopped him and pulled him to her. She leaned up and kissed him softly. This time, simply because she wanted to kiss him. She pulled back and they were both smiling.

“I liked that,” James told her softly.

“I did too,” she admitted just as softly.

“Come on. Let’s go inside. I bet Mum has supper ready for us. She’s probably cross we were gone so long. And Sirius can’t entertain himself longer than twenty minutes before he starts to go stir crazy,” James laughed.

Lily just smiled and let him lead her inside. And sure enough supper was waiting and his Mum was sighing and Sirius kept winking at them and whispering to James that he wanted details. Lily had to admit she loved this family. Everyone was so welcoming to her and even if his mum was annoyed she still smiled at them and served them first. It was a lovely evening, Lily had to admit. And when she went home, she just kept thinking about it constantly. And thinking about James constantly. And she realized she was completely enamored of him already. In fact, she might have been already head over heels long before she’d ever admit it. She just couldn’t look past his childish behavior before. But now he seemed more grown up. As if suddenly seventeen made him a man and not a little boy. And she felt like a woman now too. A woman who was falling in love.

Meanwhile, Severus was living it up in London with his friends. They’d gotten into the party scene with some of the older Slytherin brothers who had already graduated and were now part of Voldemort’s tribe of people. Death Eaters. Severus knew how Lily felt about them, but Severus didn’t care anymore. He liked these people. And they accepted him. And he found himself doing all sorts of crazy and wild things he’d never done before. Death Eaters knew how to party. There was plentiful alcohol, pot, LSD, cocaine and women. And these women didn’t look at Severus like a joke either. They looked at him like a man. A man who fit into their group, even if he wasn’t officially a member. But the parties, Severus supposed, were thrown in order to entice people to join. Give people anything they wanted, and they’d be more inclined to join up. It was a tempting lifestyle. And Lucius Malfoy was the ringleader and Severus looked up to him. He was everything he wished he could be. Rich and powerful and handsome. Women flocked to him, but he only had eyes for Narcissa Black. And she was at all these parties too, even if she herself was not a Death Eater. She was with Lucius so it didn’t matter. But she did help the younger boys get acquainted with everyone so they’d feel welcome. Lucius and Narcissa were a power couple and everyone knew that Voldemort trusted both of them implicitly. That’s why he put them in charge of bringing in new followers. He knew the parties were out of control, but he thrived on chaos anyway. And Severus seemed more than eager to enjoy all of it to the fullest.

Someone was passing a joint around the room, and Severus decided to go ahead and try it. After all, Lily had done this before. Why couldn’t he? Besides everyone else was doing it. He rather liked the pleasantly numb and detached feeling the drug gave him. He sat there next to his friend Mulciber and just stared off into space for a while until his friend jostled his arm.

“What are you thinking about, Sev?” he asked him.

“Nothing. Or rather I was just thinking how perfect this night was,” Severus admitted with a glassy look in his eyes.

“Yeah, it is fucking perfect isn’t it? This is how I want to live the rest of my life. I can’t wait to get my Dark Mark,” Mulciber said just as stoned.

“Do you think we’ll have to kill people?” Severus wondered seriously.

“Nah, I doubt it. Does Lucius look like he kills people? He throws parties, mate! That’s the life I want,” Mulciber said.

“But surely there’s more to it than a social club? Lily said Death Eaters kill people for the Dark Lord.”

“Fuck what Lily said. Lord Voldemort is simply trying to rid the world of people lesser than us. He wants to make it a magical place, not the cesspool it is now.”

“But ridding the world of lesser people means killing them, right?” Severus deduced.

“Ah, stop thinking so much. Just mellow out and enjoy the night,” Mulciber said, passing him the joint again.

Severus couldn’t help but take his friends advice because the drug made him so spacey that he forgot everything and just fell into oblivion. He was also drinking whiskey, which tasted terrible, but he felt sophisticated as he emulated the way Lucius held the glass in his hand and sipped gracefully from it. Other people were dancing, and some people were making out, and Severus just sat and watched the entire thing. And he thought to himself, “this is the life I want too.” And he’d stopped caring what Lily thought since she was no longer part of his world. It was time for him to make his own way in life. And as soon as school was over, he vowed to do just that. He would join his friends and life would be perfect. He saw no other option than this. He didn’t want to see another option. Especially after he spoke to Lucius and asked him what he’d have to do if he joined the Death Eaters after school. Lucius had smiled at him and looked pleased to be asked the question. He answered thoughtfully.

“You, my dear boy, would make a perfect spy. I can’t speak for the Dark Lord, of course, but I think he’d find you a useful spy. Would you be willing to do that?” Lucius asked him.

“A spy?” Severus asked, feeling his heart pounding loudly in his chest. This was what he dreamed of being his whole life. A spy. “I would be honored to be a spy for the Dark Lord. I’d be good at it.”

“Of course you would be. You’d just have to lay low and not tell anyone your affiliation. Then lurk about and gather information. We always need good spies,” Lucius informed him.

“I can do it. Where and when do I sign up,” Severus asked drunkenly and stoned.

Lucius laughed. “Patience, Severus. When you’re eighteen, it’ll happen. Until then, just keep your nose out of trouble and your head down. And of course, keep coming to the parties. It’ll happen,” Lucius patted him on the back.

Severus had never felt more happy. He was going to live out his dream of being a super spy. Lily had laughed at that dream, but Lucius was telling him it could come true. And suddenly everything in his life seemed to fall into place. These were the people he belonged with.

 

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's now 1979 and things are very different...

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

February 1979

The years had passed by and everyone had graduated from Hogwarts and gone their different ways. Lily and James became a hot item during their seventh year and were inseparable. Severus was disappointed in her choice of mate, but he mostly kept those thoughts to himself. Save for one occasion when he blurted out the truth to Lily in passing about how he couldn’t believe she’d chosen James after all he’d done to him through the years. She didn’t have much to say in response, and Severus wasn’t expecting anything from her. He was just hurt that she’d chosen so unwisely, in his opinion. He knew he’d never have her, but he hoped she’d choose someone better. But her choice just further drove a wedge between them, and they rarely ever gave each other a passing glance the last year they were at school. But Severus still pined for her deep down, and Lily always held a soft spot in her heart for Severus. Neither of them could help it. But their lives just went different directions, as they had been going all along. They grew to accept that sometimes people just simply grow apart no matter how much they once loved each other. Lily had James to keep her thoughts at bay, and Severus found himself with several unimportant girls that ran in and out of his life at various intervals. Mostly over breaks at the parties he attended with his friends. They meant nothing to him, but he could at least say he was a real man now. He’d lost his virginity to a girl named Susan while they were both high on marijuana and too much wine. He’d never seen her again, but he walked a little taller and prouder after the event. And since Susan, there had been several others. But his heart still ached inside for Lily. But he dealt with it well for the most part. Most days he didn’t even think of her at all. And he wagered she never gave him much mind, seeing as how she was with Potter and seemed blissfully happy.

Severus had gone about his life and followed his friends footsteps in joining the Death Eaters when he turned eighteen. His mum didn’t know what he’d done, and neither did anyone else who wasn’t directly involved. The key to his success was to keep his affiliations a secret. He’d met with the Dark Lord personally before his initiation and Lucius had told him all about Severus wishing to be a spy. He knew people in the Order and on the other side, and he could be invisible when he wanted to be. This served the Dark Lords wishes well, and he was more than pleased to have Severus aboard his group of followers. It was the first time in his life he ever felt important and useful. And he spent a lot of time with people who could give him information without them realizing he was listening and gathering it all up for the enemy. It was a perfect arrangement and Severus couldn’t have been happier. In his mind, he was living the high life. Parties, spying, women, the dark arts, drinking—what more could a bloke want or need? 

But then something terrible happened the Christmas of 1978. Severus’s mum had taken ill and wasn’t expected to make it. The healers had done all their best work, but she was still feeling very poorly, and quietly passed away just before Severus’s nineteenth birthday in 1979. He’d moved back into the family home, but he still saw his friends on a regular basis and still did his duty to the Dark Lord. He just was afforded a little personal time to grieve and set his mother’s affairs in order. What he didn’t know was that Lily had heard about his mum’s passing and wanted to visit him. She’d run into someone from school who knew she had once been friends with Severus and caught the news that way. But she and James had fought terribly when she told him she wanted to visit him and see how he was. In James’s mind, he still didn’t trust Severus with Lily. And Lily thought it meant he didn’t trust her. James could be the sweetest man alive sometimes, but he was also very jealous and pigheaded. This led to them having a row in which Lily said she needed a break from him and simply stormed away with a bag and headed back to Spinners End. And tonight she found herself standing on the front steps of Severus’s home and being afraid to knock. But she finally got the courage and waited for a response. Thinking he might not be in there, she turned around to leave just as the door opened.

“Lily?” Severus said with shock at seeing her wild red hair blowing in the cold night air.

“Yes. Severus. Hello,” she said somewhat awkwardly.

“What are you doing here?” he wondered.

“I-I heard about your mum. I wanted to see if you were holding up okay,” she stammered out nervously.

“Oh. Yes, that. She passed about a month ago now,” he informed her.

“I’m so sorry. I know you two had your quarrels but I know she meant a lot to you as well.”

“Yes, quite a bit. It was complicated. But I’m hanging in there. Do you want to come in?” he asked, as he noted the bag she carried with her along with her huge purse.

“Please. It’s freezing out here and I think it’s starting to snow,” she noted, brushing the flakes off her jacket.

He showed her inside and he shut the door. Then he just took in her beautiful appearance. It was so unexpected to see her he didn’t really know what to say. She finally spoke.

“Do you mind if I sit down?” she asked.

“Sure, sure. Go ahead. You can put your bag right over there,” he pointed. “Are you staying with your folks?”

She took off her jacket and tossed it on a chair before she sat.

“Actually they have no idea I’m here. I was kind of hoping maybe I could hide out here with you for a bit,” she said with a small smile.

“With me? Why? Where’s Potter? Aren’t you getting married or something?” he asked with confusion.

She sighed. “We’re not officially engaged yet, as you’ll note no ring on my finger. And to be honest, we’re on a break,” she explained.

“A break? Trouble in paradise?” he asked, suddenly interested as he sat down across from her in a chair.

“A little. He wasn’t happy I wanted to see you again. He thinks you’re dangerous. We had a terrible row and I just left him,” she told him.

“Left him? Not for good though, right? You’re going back?” he asked curiously.

“Eager to be rid of me already?” she wondered with a sad smile.

“No, not at all. Just trying to understand the situation and what a ‘break’ actually means. Are you broken up? Or just mad at him?” he clarified.

“A little of both. I don’t know. I’m not ready to break up entirely, but sometimes he drives me crazy. I need to be away from him for a bit to get my head on straight. And so he can hopefully get his knickers untwisted about you. Let’s just say I’m on a James free holiday,” she said flipping her long red hair over her shoulder.

“I must admit it’s a shock to see you here of all places. I realize you heard of my mum dying but you could have just owled me,” he told her.

“I know. But I wanted to see you. We were best friends, Severus. Your mum died. I wanted to be here. I wanted you to be able to talk to me if you needed someone.”

“I have friends, you know,” he pointed out.

“I know. Are you saying you don’t want me here?” she asked sadly.

“No, I do. It’s just, you didn’t have to. I usually prefer not to speak of her passing, to be honest.”

“Well we don’t have to speak of it if you don’t want to.”

“I’d rather not.”

“We can talk about other things. Like how are you? We haven’t actually spoken in years. Not really anyway,” she told him.

“I know. I’ve missed you. But I have a lot of stuff going on too. Lots of friends. I’m not sure you’d quite approve of my life honestly,” he admitted softly, knowing he wasn’t supposed to tell her the truth and had no real plans to do so.

“Why wouldn’t I approve?” she asked quizzically.

“I go to a lot of parties. I’m not a teacher like I said I’d be. I just mostly hang out with people. It’s fun, but not very industrious of me,” he said leaving out the part of his life where he was a spy for Lord Voldemort.

“Parties? I never really took you for a partier. It’s rather odd. You used to be so shy and reserved,” she giggled slightly.

“I’ve grown up. Plus a lot of pot and booze does wonders for shyness. Not that I run around with a lampshade on my head, but I’m not so reserved anymore,” he laughed back at her.

“Imagine that. Severus Snape, party animal. I never thought I’d see the day. Of course I never thought you’d ever become a teacher either. Or a super spy,” she ribbed him.

“Yeah, that was crazy talk mostly,” he said flippantly. “So what about you? What are you doing, besides having fights with James and running away?”

“Oh, I’m mostly a layabout. James takes care of me. He’s really pushing for marriage, but I keep saying I’m nervous and not ready. He wants kids right away too. But I’m only nineteen! Sometimes I think he’s rushing it all a bit. I wouldn’t mind some parties that involved people other than James’s friends. We never meet new people. It’s just the four of them and me all the time. And half the time Sirius won’t leave us alone. At least Remus and Peter know when to go home.”

“Sounds really annoying to me. The four of them always together. No wonder you don’t want to get married. You’d be marrying the entire brood,” Severus chuckled softly.

“Tell me about it! They keep saying I’m an honorary member of the group, but sometimes I don’t feel like one. I kind of miss my own friends,” she admitted.

“Where are they? Don’t you keep in touch?”

“Not really. Most of them have moved on. Gotten married or gotten jobs. I think maybe that’s why I wanted to see you so much. You were mine,” she smiled at him.

He shook his head. “I was never yours. You didn’t want me to be.”

“That’s not what I meant. I just meant, you were my friend. Someone just for me. I miss that,” she explained.

“You were the one who said you were a terrible friend,” he reminded her.

“I was. But everything has changed now. I miss you. And you said you missed me right? Maybe we’ve gone too long with our distance?”

He got up and poured himself a glass of whiskey and offered her one, which she declined. Then he sat back down.

“I think our ship has sailed, Lily. Face it, you’re mad at Potter right now, but you won’t be for long. And he’d never ever allow me anywhere near you. We both know that,” Severus finally spoke.

“He’s not the boss of me,” she said defiantly.

“Yes, he is. You’ve let him be.”

“No I haven’t. You’ve seen my temper. You know how terrible I can be. He doesn’t boss me around. That’s why I left.”

“You’ve got me there,” he smiled as he raised his glass to her. “But still, he’d never let me just hang out with you. All of them still hate my guts. And the feeling is quite mutual.”

“Well I can come here to see you. I just want us to be friends again. Hasn’t enough time passed that we can do it now?” she pleaded.

“I don’t know,” he admitted softly, thinking about what she’d do if she knew of his double life, or if she saw the mark on his arm.

“Well you don’t have to make up your mind right away. I have time. And at least for tonight we can be friends again, right? I’m already here and I have a bag and nowhere to go,” she said imploringly.

He sighed and sipped his drink again. “Of course you can stay here if you want. I’m rather chuffed to see you, to be honest. It’s just so weird. And unexpected. I’m not sure what to say or do.”

“You don’t have to do anything really. Just be you. And maybe I wouldn’t mind a drink after all?” she told him with a small smile.

He smiled back at her and got up to get her drink. He handed it over and she took a large gulp.

“Oh that’s awful,” she remarked making a face.

“It’s an acquired taste. You’ll get used to it,” he chuckled.

“Do you have any pot?” she wondered excitedly.

“I thought you told me that one time you’d never do that again,” he reminded her.

She shrugged. “Never say never. Everyone does it these days. But James doesn’t like me to do it. Which is why I want to do it.”

“You’re evil. I like it. Of course I’ve got a stash. Let me go get it,” he said pleased with her open defiance of anything James didn’t like her doing.

He went upstairs and procured his stash of goodies and brought the bag downstairs with him. He rolled them a joint with the expertise he’d learned over the years and Lily was impressed.

“You’re like a pro with that,” she noted, feeling slightly tipsy from the whiskey since she hadn’t eaten at all beforehand.

“I’ve been doing this awhile now,” he admitted as he blazed it up and inhaled deeply, before passing it to her.

She took a long drag and tried not to choke to death on the acrid smelling smoke, but it was useless and she coughed it all out, much to her own embarrassment.

“It’s been some time since that night with the Muggle hippies in the van. I’m not used to this,” she told him, fanning herself.

“It’s okay. Everyone coughs a lot if they take too much in.”

“You didn’t cough.”

“I know how much to inhale. Just try it again,” he urged her.

She took another puff on the joint and this time held it in longer before she coughed. She passed it back over to him.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m sitting here with Severus Snape smoking a joint and drinking whiskey. James would totally freak out,” she giggled.

“Because you’re with me or because I’m corrupting you?”

“Both. But I love it, so I don’t care. I never really got to be bad before and I’m still young, damn it. I should be doing this stuff instead of folding James’s socks and baking pies.”

“You fold his socks?” he asked incredulously.

She nodded and he sighed and shook his head.

“He doesn’t know what a gem he has. He really doesn’t. And I didn’t know you baked pies,” he told her before he took another drag of the joint.

“He really doesn’t know how good he’s got it. I’m hoping that he’ll realize when I’m away. He actually forbade me to see you. Which made me pack my bag and leave. I hope he realizes he cannot boss me around,” she said indignantly.

“He’s a prat. Always has been a prat. I tried to warn you,” Severus told her seriously.

She nodded her head in agreement, then took another puff. Then she sat back thoughtfully.

“But he is really sweet sometimes. I mean, overly so. He’s good to me too. I’m just mad right now and making him sound worse than he is. It’s just my life lacks something…” she trailed off.

“Fun?”

“Yes! That’s it. Fun. It lacks fun. I feel like I’m nineteen going on forty. James has fun with his buddies, but I just cook for them and clean up after them. No, I’ve had enough of that. I want more of this,” she said holding up the joint and smiling.

“Well you can have as much as you want. But be careful. You don’t want to fall into a coma, so maybe ease up a little. It’s some potent stuff,” he warned her.

“I feel fine though. Happy. Content. And I’m starting to get really hungry. Do you have chocolate?” she asked with wide eyes.

He laughed and shook his head.

“Fresh out. We could walk to the grocer on the corner if you don’t mind braving the snow.”

“Let’s do it! I really need food right now. I didn’t eat today,” she informed him.

“I’ll go get my coat,” he said standing up and walking to the hall closet.

She stood up and put her jacket back on too and grabbed her purse. Then she put her hand around his arm and held on tight as she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she said in her pot induced haze.

“I’ve missed you too,” he admitted wanting badly to kiss her again, but knowing he couldn’t. He thought he was over her for the most part. Out of sight, out of mind. But seeing her again and touching her again brought it all back to him in waves. He tried to be stoic though and not let his mind run away with it. “Let’s get to the grocer before they close.”

They set off into the falling snow, which was coming down harder than when she first got there and they trudged through the streets until they got to the small store on the corner. They went inside and she was delighted by almost everything she saw. Severus had to keep telling her to put stuff back, like she was a small child. He pretended to be annoyed with her, but secretly he found her excitement endearing. Once they stocked up on snacks, Severus insisted on paying and they set off back to his place.

“You know, I could have bought my own chocolate,” she told him as she leaned against him again and looked up at him.

“I know, but it’s my treat,” he smiled down at her.

“I came here to comfort you over your mum, and instead you’re the one buying me chocolates and letting me get high with you as I complain about my life. I must seem awful to you, huh?” she asked wrinkling up her nose.

“You’re not awful. I told you I didn’t want to speak about Mum, so this night is for you. I think you need the cheering up more than me,” he said honestly.

“You’re a great friend. I never should have let you go,” she said sincerely.

“I let you let me go. It was for the best at the time. I didn’t have my head on straight. I think it was the right thing,” he admitted.

“Really?”

“Yes. I needed to let you go as well, Lily. I had to. And I think you needed me out of your life too. It was complicated. It still is,” he told her.

“In what way?” she asked curiously.

“It’s a long story. Maybe later. Let’s just hurry up and get home before we freeze to death.”

Once they got back to his place, they shook off the snow and took off their jackets and sat down on the couch together with their bag of snacks. Lily quickly opened the chocolate bar she’d gotten and munched on it, while Severus opened a bag of crisps and set it on the table. He looked over at her.

“You want beer? I know you hated the whiskey, but I have beer,” he offered.

“Sure. Although beer and chocolate sounds terrible together,” she giggled.

“Well beer and crisps sound good to me. I’ll go get it.”

He went into the kitchen and she just sat back and enjoyed her sweet confection while she waited. When he came back he handed over the bottle and sat back down. They clinked the bottles together.

“To fun,” Severus said to her.

“To fun,” she smiled back.

Then they both sipped their beers in silence before Lily sighed and leaned back against Severus again.

“You know, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be with another man,” she said thoughtfully.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, sexually. James was my first and my only. And now he wants to get married. What if I’m missing out?” she pondered, still high as a kite and getting a bit drunk as well.

“Lily! God, I’m sure you’re not missing out,” he said with a loud burst of laughter at her bluntness.

“But what if James isn’t actually any good at it? How would I know?”

“I’m sure he’s probably terrible at it, but since you don’t know better, you won’t care,” he said, getting a dig in at James.

“You think he’s terrible? Oh, and you’re so experienced right? I bet you’ve never even had sex before have you?” she said shoving him slightly.

“Are you kidding? Yes I have. I’m nineteen, not nine. I’ve had sex,” he said defensively.

“With who?” she asked, suddenly very interested.

“No one you’d know.”

“Typical answer. You’re lying. You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not! For your information I’ve bedded several women,” he said sitting up straighter and staring her right in the eyes.

“Name one,” she challenged him.

“Susan. She was my first. She was twenty and I was eighteen.”

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“Okay, name another one.”

“I can’t.”

“Aha! That’s because there was no one else!” she said triumphantly.

“No, it’s because I don’t remember their names. They didn’t mean anything. I only remember Susan because she was my first,” he shot back at her.

“You’ve really slept with women you don’t remember their names?” she asked making a face.

“Yes. It’s the seventies! It’s what people do. You meet at a party, you shag like rabbits, then you go home and forget them,” he shrugged.

“That’s disgusting.”

“You were the one lamenting on how you wanted to fuck other men because James might be boring,” he pointed out.

“I never said I wanted to do it. Just that I wondered if I should. And besides, if I did do it, I’d remember his sodding name!” she said shoving Severus away and starting to giggle again.

“It’s not my fault I don’t remember their names. I was drunk and high. I’m not even sure if they told me their names, to be honest. It didn’t matter.”

“That sounds dreadful to me and not fun. Everyone is just using everyone else for kicks. I don’t think that suits me,” she admitted.

“I told you that you’d likely not approve of my life. They’re all just faceless memories. No names. Names make a person real and there’s no real people in these games,” he explained.

“You’re right. I don’t approve. I think it’s awful. Don’t you want to be in love?” she wondered taking a sip of her beer.

“I was in love once. Terrible thing. It eats your heart out and leaves you crying in the gutter. I think I’ve had my fill of it,” he said somewhat bitterly.

She knew immediately he was talking about her and that shut her up real fast. She just chugged her beer and let the silence fill the room once again. But finally she couldn’t take it any longer and looked at him.

“You know I never meant to hurt you,” she told him softly.

“I know. But you did. A lot. You got my hopes up and you shattered them. And you kept getting my hopes up. That’s why I had to get away from you. Don’t you see?” he said shaking his head.

“I do. I see. And maybe I shouldn’t be here now, should I?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m over you. Mostly. Sort of. I mean, I thought I was over you, but seeing you again? Lily, it brings it back. I can’t help it,” he admitted, even though he didn’t want to. The drugs and alcohol were getting to brain too and things were just pouring out.

“I didn’t know it would do that. I thought enough time passed.”

“So did I.”

“Maybe you’re not the only one feeling it?” she offered in a very small voice.

“What do you mean?” he looked at her confused.

“I just mean that seeing you again has brought up memories I thought I was over too. But maybe I’m not. When I heard of your mum passing, I was so upset for you. We’d not spoken in years and yet my first thought was to be with you. I don’t know what that means.”

“Maybe it just means you still care a little. But me? I still love you,” he said, looking away from her.

“I still love you too,” she confessed, touching his face.

“But not the way I love you,” he clarified.

“I don’t know. But it’s still love. God, this night has been the most fun I’ve had in months. That says something. Maybe I’m not doing the right things with my life? Maybe I’m not with the right man? Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen no one all those years ago, and I should have chosen you?” she told him seriously.

He scooted away from her and looked her dead in the eyes.

“Don’t play with my heart like that, Lily. You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re drunk and you’re high and you’re mad at James. You don’t mean this, so stop saying it,” he said feeling anger boiling under the surface that she’d dare get his hopes up again, this many years later.

“I’m not trying to play with your heart. I’m confused. Being with you again confuses me. And yes, I’m mad at James, but maybe there’s a good reason I am? A reason that means I shouldn’t be with him?” she told him taking his hands.

He pulled his hands out of her grasp.

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

“Don’t what? Be honest with you?”

“Don’t get my hopes up again.”

“But I meant what I said. What if I chose wrong? What if all this is wrong? I don’t know what I’m doing!” she cried and buried her face in her hands.

He couldn’t help but soften his hardened stance seeing her cry. It melted his heart. But he felt almost like she was blackmailing him with her tears. Using them as weapons to get him to feel sorry for her, when she’s the one who did the damage and made the mistakes. But he did still love her and he couldn’t handle seeing her cry.

“Lily, please stop. You’re just going through a rough patch right now. But you’ll go home and it’ll be fine. I’m sure Potter will apologize and you’ll get married and it’ll be perfect,” he tried to assure her.

“But what if I don’t want to get married?” she sobbed.

“So then don’t. I don’t know. But don’t bring me into this. You only want me because I’m here. Not because you really love me.”

“So? You sleep with women you don’t even know their names, and you’re accusing me of trying to use you because you happen to be here? Isn’t that what you do all the time?” she shot back at him.

“No. Those girls don’t love me. They don’t care. I love you. And being with you would mean something to me. And we both know you’d be using me to feel better,” he said angrily.

“So you don’t want me? Is that it? I’m too late?” she asked miserably.

“You’re years too late, Lily. Like I told you before, our ship has sailed. Now if you want to crash here and smoke weed and drink with me, that’s fine. But don’t go tempting me with saying things like you should have picked me, or you wanna sleep with other men. Because it won’t happen,” he said firmly, even if some part of him wanted to just grab her and ravish her right on the couch. Show her exactly what she’s missing by being with Potter. But he refused to let himself go there because he’d never get her out of his head again if he did.

After a moment of silence, Lily wiped her eyes and tried to get herself together. She took a deep breath and let it out and then smoothed back her hair.

“Alright. I’m sorry. I’ll stop. You’re probably right. I’m not being fair. I just have all these questions. Getting married is a huge deal. I’m scared. And I don’t want to make a mistake,” she explained as calmly as she could.

“Why don’t you smoke a little more eh? Mellow out? Just push it all aside and zone out. It’s what I do when the stress gets to me,” he offered with a small sigh.

“What stress do you have, when all you do is party?” she wondered, as she picked up the half smoked joint and lit it again.

“Believe me, I have stress. But I’d rather not speak of it. This isn’t about me anyway. It’s about you. And hand that thing over because right now, I’m feeling some serious stress,” he said, holding out his hand for the joint.

He wished she couldn’t get to him, but she still could. Even after all this time and after all the other nameless girls. Maybe that was the problem? They were all nameless, and Lily had his heart. She always would. Always. No matter how hard he tried to forget her. And he had a feeling that having her around was going to plummet him back into the depths of hell again, yet he couldn’t bring himself to throw her out. He was under her spell, so to speak. Even if sometimes he hated the way she acted. He assumed she hated the way he acted sometimes too, but it didn’t stop her from coming back around. He just wish she hadn’t shown up. He was doing fine without her. But now she was there on his couch, getting high with him, and he knew he was probably going to regret ever opening his door that night. But it was too late. She was there. And now they’d both have to deal with whatever happened next.

 

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus get closer than they ever thought possible. But will happen the next morning?

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

February 1979

Severus and Lily continued to drink and smoke for quite some time until they were both really far gone. Severus figured it was for the best because Lily seemed too spaced out to even move, much less start talking about her deepest feelings again. He was okay with that. And even if he wanted to spill his deepest feelings, she probably wouldn’t remember them anyway. So it was an ideal situation. But it was played out and it was late and he looked over at her, half asleep on the couch with crumbs on her shirt from the crisps she ate. He helped her wipe them off.

“You, my dear, are completely bombed out. You need to sleep now,” he told her, just as groggily.

“No, I’m fine. I could stay up,” she slurred slightly, batting his hands away from her.

“Your eyes are barely open. Time for bed. I’m knackered as well so unless you wanna sit here by yourself, I suggest you let me show you to your room,” he informed her, trying to pull her off the couch.

“Oh alright. Party pooper. It was just getting fun,” she pouted as she tried to stand.

“It was fun about an hour ago and now we’ve crashed. That’s when you sleep it off, love,” he smiled at her.

“Right, right. Okay. Which room is mine?” she asked as he picked up her heavy bag and ushered her towards the stairs.

“You can sleep in my old room. I’ve taken my mum’s room now. It’s bigger. But I’m sure you’ll feel right at home in my old place.”

“Ugh, I’ve seen that room and it’s all small and creepy in there,” she made a face at him.

“Creepy? It’s a room. What’s creepy about it?” he wondered with a small smirk.

“It just is. This whole house is creepy and old. I bet it’s haunted. Is it haunted?” she asked with her eyes widening.

“No, it’s not. Just keep moving up the stairs. We’re almost there.”

“I better not get haunted. I hate ghosts,” she said to him.

“You lived with them at school for years. What’s to be afraid of?” he asked with amusement.

“I never said I was afraid exactly, just creeped out. I don’t want a dead person watching me sleep. And don’t get me started on Peeves.”

“Peeves isn’t here. And he wasn’t a ghost anyway, he was a poltergeist,” he reminded her.

“Same diff. Oh, this is the room. I remember coming in here to bring back your stereo,” she smiled at him as he flipped on the light.

“Yes, it’s mostly the same except my stuff is gone. But the bed has some extra blankets and the pillow isn’t too bad. You’ll sleep fine,” he assured her.

“Will you help me get undressed?” she asked coyly rubbing her hand down his arm.

He sighed and tried to hold his shit together.

“No. You can do it yourself. I’m leaving you now. I’ll be down at the end of the hall if you need something. But you shouldn’t need anything so please just stay in this room okay?” he said, trying to not think dirty thoughts about her sleeping down the hall from him.

“Fine. Leave me. I might get all twisted up in my shirt or not be able to get my trousers off,” she lamented.

“Then sleep in your clothes. Goodnight Lily,” he said quickly, shutting the door behind him before she could try and seduce him more than she was already doing. He was just out of it enough to not be able to control himself around her, so leaving her was the best option.

He walked down the hall and turned on the light in his room and quickly shut the door. He peeled off his clothes and noted how cold the house was upstairs and couldn’t wait to get into the warm bed. But before he could do that, he caught his reflection in the mirror. He was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and his formerly scrawny physique had filled out a little over the years. But the Dark Mark on his arm glared at him and he realized if Lily saw that she would hate him forever. He thought of putting on a shirt to cover it, but he hated sleeping in long sleeves, even when it was cold. Besides, she’d never actually come to his room anyway, he deduced. He basically told her not to. So he sighed and crawled into the bed and pulled the covers way up and almost immediately fell fast asleep, all thoughts of Lily in his house completely forgotten momentarily. That was the beauty of drugs and alcohol. You could easily slip into a coma calm and let sleep take over.

But he was awoken about an hour later when he felt someone jostle him. He opened his eyes and almost went for his wand on the nightstand thinking it was an intruder because he forgot he wasn’t alone in the house. But he sleepily looked up to find Lily standing there in an almost see through nightgown made of lace and satin that he could see with near perfect clarity despite the darkness of the room. He stared at her a moment trying not to die and then he looked up at her face.

“What do you want? And what the hell are you wearing?” he asked completely taken off guard.

“It’s cold in my room. And it’s scary. I hear weird noises.”

“It’s cold in here too. Maybe if you put on some clothes you’d be warmer? And this is an old house. It creaks a lot. Just go to sleep,” he urged her.

“I can’t sleep. Not alone. I hate sleeping alone. And the bed is lumpy. Can I sleep with you?” she asked in a soft voice.

“Are you kidding me? You can’t sleep with me. Not in that outfit,” he said, throwing a stray blanket over at her to try and cover her up, but she just draped it over her shoulders and moved closer to the bed.

“Please can I sleep with you? I’ll be quiet and you won’t even know I’m there,” she pleaded with him. “I just don’t want to go back to the creepy haunted room.”

“It’s not haunted.”

“Please?”

“You’re paranoid. Pot will do that. Just go back to bed!”

“Severus…” she whined.

“Oh my god. Are you trying to kill me? Is that what you want?” he asked, getting very frustrated with her.

“I don’t want to be alone. And we’ve slept together before. It’s not a big deal.”

“Fine! Okay? Fine. You can sleep with me. Just don’t touch me okay? Stay over there on your side,” he informed her as he scooted closer to the edge as she lifted the covers and climbed in.

He could not believe she was torturing him like this. This nightie was nothing like the flannel one with the lace on top he saw before. This was designed for sex. And why the hell did she pack that anyway? He had no idea. Maybe James wouldn’t let her wear flannel anymore and she had nothing else? But either way, she did not belong in bed with him. But he just tried to ignore her and go back to sleep. But she was still awake.

“Severus?”

“Yes?”

“I’m still cold. Can I scoot a little closer?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“You want me to die of hypothermia?”

“I want you to go to sleep. And maybe you wouldn’t catch hypothermia if you weren’t wearing a lace negligee that leaves nothing to my imagination,” he sighed.

“It’s all I had. I wasn’t intending on you seeing it,” she explained.

“Well I can see it,” he informed her.

“Not anymore. I’m covered up.”

“Yes, but I still saw and now you’re in bed with me. Again I ask, do you want to kill me?” he grumbled at her.

“No, I just want to be with you. Close to you. And not alone. I hate being alone. What if I’m always alone? What if I don’t go home and no one else ever wants me? I’m freaking out!” she said, beginning to cry again.

He could not believe this was happening. It was like someone pulling a bad prank on him. He rolled over and looked at her.

“Lily stop crying. And maybe you should be alone? If you can’t make up your mind about your future, maybe you belong alone for a while longer?”

“But I don’t want that. I hate being alone. And you’re so warm. Did you know how warm you are? You’re like a little magical flame in the dark,” she said scooting closer to him so they were face to face.

“Lily you’re still wasted. Don’t do something you’ll regret,” he warned her softly, losing his steam at being angry with her.

“What if I don’t regret it?” she asked reaching out to touch his face in the darkness.

“Then don’t do something I’ll regret,” he implored her.

“Would you really regret it? Being with me?” she wondered softly.

“Yes, because I know you’re going to hate yourself in the morning.”

“No I won’t.”

“Yeah, you will.”

“No, I promise I won’t.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking me to do,” he told her.

“Yes I do. I’m a big girl. I know what I’m doing. And I’m not using you. I want this. With you. Severus tonight was the best time of my life. I don’t want it to end.”

“Everything ends. This will be no different.”

“Just kiss me.”

He stared at her for a moment and every fiber of his being said, “don’t do it!” but the man who lived in his pants and his ridiculously flawed heart said, “just do it!” So he did. He grabbed her and kissed her harder than he’d ever kissed her before. And she didn’t stop him. In fact, she was into it and kissed him back just as hard. Soon he was on top of her and everything just went blank for a moment. He was feeling the sensations of her body and her kisses, but it was almost like he detached from his body. And it wasn’t the drugs. It was just that he couldn’t believe he was doing this and was so weak around her. And he couldn’t believe she wanted him to do this. But she did. She was desperately reaching for his shorts to pull them down and he didn’t stop her. He couldn’t. His body just wouldn’t let him, even if his logical brain was telling him this was a huge disaster waiting to happen. But before he knew it, the deed was in progress. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. If she was having second thoughts, they weren’t showing now. And it was too late anyway. And he’d never wanted anyone or anything more than her, and it showed. He was a voracious lover and nothing at all like James was to her. It was exciting and forbidden and exactly what she’d been craving. Her eyes were shut tightly and she gripped his arms as he pounded into her. But she let her eyes flutter open for a moment and she looked down and saw the mark on his arm. She recognized it immediately. It was the Dark Mark. The mark of Voldemort’s followers. She momentarily panicked at the sight, but the things he was doing to her body made her forget it. When it was all over he slumped down on top of her, panting for air, as was she. She’d never experienced anything quite like that before. She forgot about the Dark Mark for a second and just relished this feeling of utter bliss she’d just experienced.

“Oh my god,” she panted breathlessly.

“You can say that again,” he agreed just as breathlessly.

“I had no idea you’d be so good at this,” she admitted.

“Am I better than him?” he wondered.

“Let’s not discuss that, shall we?” she said feeling guilt ridden at what she’d done and how much she’d enjoyed it.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he couldn’t help but smirk.

He leaned down and kissed her lips hungrily again and then nestled his face in the crook of her neck, planting gentle kisses along the sensitive flesh.

“You are so perfect. So beautiful. And tonight you’re mine. I know you’re probably not really mine, but right now you are. So just let me have that moment okay? Because I know you’re going to freak out soon enough, so just let me have the moment,” he pleaded with her, knowing full well she was going to regret this as much as he would in the morning. Or sooner.

She just smoothed his hair and kissed his cheek and held him to her. She couldn’t believe he’d gotten the Dark Mark. He promised her years ago he’d never join them, and now he was a Death Eater. And he didn’t even tell her. How could he not tell her? She was upset, but trying to give him his moment, as well as enjoying her own moment. But once he rolled off and lay next to her, she made no move to cuddle him. She just stared at the dark ceiling wordlessly. He reached over and took her hand and held it tightly and she let him, but she still couldn’t form words. Then she finally spoke.

“So when did you get it?” she asked calmly, trying not to get upset.

“Get what?” he asked, momentarily confused.

“The mark. I saw it. It’s on your arm. When did you get it?” she repeated herself.

He closed his eyes and groaned slightly. He was hoping she was too caught in the moment to notice it, and he, himself, had forgotten it was there.

“I got it a year ago,” he admitted finally.

“A year ago? And you never told me?” she asked, turning over to face him.

“What was I supposed to do? Owl you out of the blue and make an announcement? We weren’t even speaking then.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell me tonight? Before this? I had a right to know.”

“If I told you, you would have walked out. I didn’t want you to walk out. Plus, I’m not supposed to tell anyone,” he explained.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s a secret. So don’t go blabbing it around town that Severus Snape is a Death Eater, okay?” he asked her.

“Right because that was the first thing I was going to do. Blab to the world that I just cheated on my boyfriend with a goddamn Death Eater,” she said getting incensed.

“I didn’t make you sleep with me. You wanted this. You wanted me. And you obviously saw the mark and didn’t stop me. Did you?” he pointed out.

She was quiet for a moment because he was right. She didn’t stop him. She didn’t want him to stop. But now she was seeing the magnitude of the situation.

“Just because I didn’t stop you doesn’t mean I’m okay with this. I’m not. You promised me you’d never do this!”

“Well you weren’t there anymore, Lily. And this is what I wanted. You have no idea what my life is like now. It’s so much better. I’m doing important work. You wouldn’t understand,” he told her seriously.

“You’re right. I don’t. Just because I wasn’t there didn’t mean you should have done it. And what the hell ‘important’ work could you possibly being doing for Voldemort? Killing people? Using your wonderfully dark spells to punish people like me?” she wondered.

“No. I’m a spy. I gather information. I’ve never once harmed anyone,” he said defensively.

“But he has. He does all the time. What happens when he comes for me next huh? I’m just a filthy mudblood after all right? Not even a real witch in his eyes,” she shot back at him.

“Lily he’s not coming after you. And he doesn’t kill people randomly. He has reasons, I’m sure.”

“Oh reasons? Okay. That makes it okay,” she said sarcastically as she threw off the covers and started marching across the room.

“Where are you going?”

“To the loo!”

“Fine.”

“God, what a nightmare,” Lily grumbled as she headed into the bathroom and slammed the door.

She looked in the mirror at herself and she looked like a woman who’d just had her brains shagged out, which she had. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were bloodshot and her nightie was ripped slightly where Severus had yanked at the fabric. She couldn’t believe she just had sex with a Death Eater. She couldn’t believe Severus joined them. And she couldn’t believe she’d just cheated on James. She was out of her wits and it just happened. But she knew deep down she wanted it. And she didn’t stop him when she saw the mark. She wanted to be furious at him, but she was the one at fault too. But he still should have told her. It would have changed everything if she’d known beforehand.

She did her business then marched back into the room and crawled back in bed. He looked over at her.

“You’re staying in here?” he wondered.

“Yes. Why do you want me to leave?” she asked incredulously.

“No. I just figured you were pissed at me now. You probably hate me even. Which I’m used to. But still.”

“Look, I am mad you didn’t tell me. And I’m furious you’re aligned with Voldemort. But tonight was so great before this. All of it. I mean it. I just want to pretend that mark isn’t real,” she whispered softly.

“But it is real.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think I could. And not just because you’d be mad but because I was given strict instructions not to tell. I might be in trouble now if anyone finds out you know. You cannot tell Potter, you hear me?” he told her seriously.

“Tell James? I’m not telling him anything about any of this. Ever. So don’t worry.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Alright then.”

“Can we just pretend for the rest of the night that things are good? Can I just snuggle with you and sleep in your arms for tonight?” she asked not wanting to face reality yet.

“Yes. But what happens in the morning?” he wondered.

“Don’t ask. It’ll ruin tonight. Tonight is perfect. So let’s just let ourselves be in the moment. Like you said. I’ll forget the mark, and you forget the morning,” she told him as she scooted over under his arm and pulled the covers up to their chins.

“I still love you, Lily. Despite who I work for.”

“I know. And I love you. Despite who you work for.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Then I guess tonight is enough,” he reasoned.

“Tonight is enough,” she whispered back.

“Go to sleep now. I’ll keep you warm and safe from the ghosts, okay?” he told her.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

And with that, they were both silent, lost in their own thoughts. But luckily enough for the both of them they still had enough drink and pot in their system that critical thinking was lost on them. So they just did what Lily suggested. They enjoyed the moment. 

 

 

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Severus deal with the ramifications of their night together.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

February 1979

The next morning Lily woke up first and realized exactly what she’d done. Not that she hadn’t already realized it, but the full weight of it hit her like a ton of bricks. Especially since Severus was a Death Eater. A concept she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around. But she quickly scooted away from him and held the covers up to her chin. Then she squinted to see the clock across the room and realized it was only half past eight. She hadn’t slept all that long really, but she was wide awake. And her mind was racing. She’d cheated on James. What had gotten into her? She wasn’t the type of girl to ever do something like that. In fact, before she’d starting going out with him, she was almost downright prudish in the eyes of most of her classmates. But something about the idea of marriage gave her a major freak attack on the inside. One person for the rest of your life? And when that person was James, someone with whom she had fought terribly with before she stormed off, her head wasn’t quite on straight. Severus knew that. And yet he still made love to her. Wonderful wild love. Nothing at all like what she expected of him. She expected him to be shy and quiet and nervous and awkward like he’d always been. But he hadn’t been. He was a man now who knew what he was doing, and wasn’t afraid to show her he knew what he was doing. And she’d let him. She’d wanted him to. She could blame him for taking advantage of her state, but the truth was he wasn’t thinking straight either and she’s the one who came to him almost begging to be ravished. She knew she couldn’t lay the blame on him for that. But she could lay the blame on him for not divulging his secret. That was a game changer for her. She couldn’t be with someone like that. It just wasn’t possible. She groaned slightly and held her head and rolled over into a ball facing away from a sleeping Severus, to try and contemplate her life now.

But he heard her stirring and he woke himself. He glanced over at her practically hiding under the covers and the entire night came crashing back to him. Lily had seduced him. Like a vixen. He had practically begged her to go away and she was relentless. And he was weak when it came to her. So very weak. He ended up caving in and giving her what she asked for, even if he wasn’t entirely sure she knew exactly what she asked for. But she had made no moves to thwart the encounter. It was she who pulled his shorts down. It was she who begged him to kiss her. It was she who begged him to do it. And he had done it. He just knew he’d opened himself up for yet another rejection from her. The cold light of day without drink or drugs would make everything different. And he knew this. So he pulled the covers over his face and rolled away from her too. And then they were both just lying there awake with their thoughts. It wasn’t the pleasant good morning cuddle session either of them dreamed of. It was just guilt and nervousness and regret. Although some part of each of them didn’t regret it entirely. It was years in the making. And Lily thought that maybe she needed to do this in order to get Severus out of her heart once and for all. But Severus knew this just branded his heart with the memory of her body and soul forever. He’d never forget it, but he knew she probably would. Which was why he didn’t want to face her or have her know he was awake. He wanted to hide a little longer in bed with her so he could pretend she was still his.

Finally though, she let him know she was awake. She rolled over and touched his shoulder and jostled him to see if he was awake too.

“Are you awake?” she asked softly.

“Sort of,” he replied back, the covers still over his head.

“We need to talk,” she told him seriously.

Ugh. The dreaded ‘we need to talk’ line. Severus had never had a real girlfriend, but he knew you didn’t want to hear that from a woman’s lips. Ever. Whenever his mum said that to him, only bad things spewed from her lips. But he rolled over to face her and pulled the covers down slightly.

“What do we need to say that we haven’t already covered?” he wondered.

“Loads. There’s loads of stuff we need to talk about. Starting with, no one ever finds out about what we did,” she told him seriously.

“Who would I tell?”

“Your friends. Anyone. Your boss,” she shot at him.

“Right, because I routinely talk to Voldemort about who I’m shagging,” he said rolling his eyes.

“You know what I mean! Just don’t tell anyone.”

“Got it. I never planned to tell anyone anyway.”

“Good. And also, this can’t ever happen again,” she said firmly.

“I already knew that. I wager it all looks very different without the drugs in your addled brain,” he said with a sigh.

“It wasn’t the drugs that made me do this. I wanted to do it. They just sort of gave the me the courage,” she admitted.

“Right. Okay.”

“Are you even listening to me? You just keep agreeing with everything and not even trying to change my mind,” she said somewhat crossly.

He sat up in the bed and looked at her.

“You want me to futilely fight for you and try and change your mind? Why?”

“Aren’t I at least worth fighting for?” she wondered.

“Of course you are. But can I win?” he wondered back.

She thought for a moment and realized he was right. He couldn’t win. She just wanted him to fight harder so she’d feel more important and not like another one of his conquests.

“I suppose you can’t win. I just wanted to know you wanted to fight for me,” she admitted quietly.

“Lily I would fight to the death for you, but it’s no use. I’m not going to beg and plead for a chance or tell you I’ll renounce my ways and come bake pies with you. My life is what my life is. And I know you don’t like it, but I gave up caring what you thought years ago. And last night was amazing, but we both know it was only for last night. You’re going to leave and I’m going to go back to my life and we’ll probably never see each other again. Am I right?” he asked her pointedly.

“You could seem a little sadder about it or something,” she noted.

“No, don’t try to do this to me. Do you get off on me being sad and broken by you? Are you really that twisted?” he inquired bitterly.

“No, I’m not! I’m just trying to not feel cheap here. You say you screw women like rabbits and don’t even care enough to know their names. But you know my name and I expected you to care a little!” she shot back, clutching the covers to her chest.

“For fuck’s sake Lily, I’m in love with you. If I thought you were really in love with me too, it’d all be different. But you’re not. And I knew it. I asked us to pretend last night you were really mine and we did it. But that’s all it was. Pretend. The truth is, you’re not mine. And you’re leaving, aren’t you? To go back to him,” he told her heatedly.

She was silent momentarily and then she sighed.

“I have to go back. It was probably childish of me to run away in the first place, but I wanted to see you. I didn’t plan for any of the rest of this,” she said to him.

“Like hell. Look at your outfit,” he said pulling the covers back. “Who’d you pack that for if not for me?”

“I told you it was all I had! I didn’t plan this,” she insisted, pulling the covers back over herself.

“Fine, alright. You tell yourself that. I’m getting up and making breakfast. You can come down and join me if you want to,” he said throwing back the duvet and marching across the room to find his clothes to put back on.

She watched him get dressed and noted how amazingly handsome he really was now. He’d grown into his features and though his long hair was a mess, it suited him. He was a wild boy who couldn’t be contained. He was no longer the shy boy she once knew. He’d grown into a man. A man she knew she’d never be able to be with. Not with that mark on his arm. If he didn’t have it, maybe things would be different? But he didn’t let her contemplate this for long because he was dressed and out the door while she still lay in bed. She stared at the ceiling for a while and just remembered the night. Not just the sex, but everything leading up to it. They’d talked and laughed and had way too much drink and marijuana. But it was the best night of her life. Much better than any of the well-rehearsed, so-called ‘romantic’ evenings James always planned. They never did anything different. He’d always take her to eat someplace nice, then they’d drink a glass of wine by the fire, then go to their room and make love. And it was never wild or crazy or passionate. It was just soft and sweet and loving. Which was all well and good. It still meant something special. But she’d never let loose with him. And he wasn’t the type to let loose with her. He wanted everything to always be romantic and perfect, but sometimes a girl wanted something dirty and crazy and something you might regret in the morning. And Severus had given her that experience. She could cross it off her list of things to do before she died. Which she hoped would be a very long time from now. But at least she could say she’d done something insane while she was young. She just knew no one else could ever know. Especially James. But technically they were on a break so maybe it didn’t count as cheating? She’d stormed off saying she didn’t want to see his face again. But they both knew she didn’t mean it. But she had run straight to Severus and done all sort of things she’d never do just so she could live a little. But now it was time to go back to reality.

She got herself up and went back to Severus’s old room and rooted through her bag for new clothes to wear. She pulled them on hastily and packed her bag back up and brought it back downstairs with her and set it by the door. Then she went into the kitchen where she could smell eggs cooking and she sheepishly walked in and sat down at the table.

“Smells good,” she noted with a tiny smile.

“Eggs are my specialty. I’m not the best cook, but these are hard to mess up,” he admitted with his own small smile.

“I love eggs.”

“Me too.”

And then there was silence. Just the sound of sizzling in the pan and the sound of a toaster popping out slices of bread. He plunked the food down in front of her and sat down across from her.

“You should eat. You haven’t had anything proper now for two days,” he informed her.

“I know. I will eat. It looks great,” she said as she dug into the meal.

“So when are you leaving?” he wondered idly as he ate his own food.

“Um, soon. I think I should probably go soon,” she admitted.

“Alright.”

“Severus I don’t want you thinking last night meant nothing to me or that I was using you. I know it must seem that way, but I wasn’t. I chose to be with you. I had to get it out of my system before I could move on,” she explained to him.

“So am I all out of your system now then?” he wondered between bites of egg and toast.

“I guess. Not really. But you have to be. I simply cannot abide what you do for a living. That dastardly mark on your arm. I can’t overlook it,” she insisted.

“You overlooked it last night when I was shagging your brains out,” he mentioned casually.

“Don’t be so vulgar. And what was I supposed to do? Throw you off of me?” she asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just why can’t you overlook it? I told you I’m just a spy. Like I always said I’d be. I don’t hurt people,” he said, honestly believing his own words.

“But someday the information you gather will be used to hurt someone. Don’t you see that? You’re not giving the Dark Lord gossip about who’s pregnant with who’s love child. You’re giving him information he’s using to wage a war. And what if one day I become a part of that war? Then what?” she inquired pointedly.

“No offense Lily, but you’re no one. You’re not really even on his radar. I wouldn’t worry,” he told her.

“That’s not true. I-I didn’t tell you this before, but I’m a member of the Order. So is James and Sirius and everyone else. And me not telling them about you is a huge deal. Much larger than me just not wanting James to know I slept with you,” she explained to him.

“You’re a member of the Order? You said you were a layabout who baked pies and folded socks,” he pointed out, suddenly not hungry anymore.

“Well you told me you were a professional partier! My identity is supposed to be secret too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“Well still, he’s not coming after you so don’t worry,” he tried to brush it off.

“We’re coming after him. Which in turn means we’re coming after you too. Maybe it’s not too late for you to leave or run or just disappear?” she offered.

“Are you kidding me? I’m not doing that. I like what I do,” he scoffed.

“You guys won’t win. Not in the end.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know how powerful he really is.”

“But I bet you do. God, how did it come to this?” she wondered.

“Because we all have a path to take. And this was mine. And apparently that was yours. We knew it a long time ago that we were different. And last night doesn’t change that.”

“Wouldn’t you consider leaving his side for me at least?” she asked softly.

“For you? Does that mean we’d be together?” he wanted to know.

“No. But you’d be safer. And not aligned with something evil.”

“You don’t understand how important what I’m doing is. I’m important. For once in my life, I am somebody. I’m not going to give that up,” he shook his head.

“You’re delusional. You’re just one of countless people blindly following a madman. It doesn’t make you special,” she shot at him.

“Bullshit. I am special. I’m one of his favorites already and I’m only nineteen. And frankly Lily, I don’t care what you think. So drop it,” he said, getting up from the table and tossing his half empty plate in the sink.

She pushed her own plate away.

“I think I should go now.”

“Already?”

“Yes. I think it’s for the best.”

He smirked at her slightly.

“At least run a brush through your hair. You look like someone just thoroughly fucked you.”

She laughed softly and ran her hands through her wild and untamed hair.

“So do you,” she noted to him.

“Yeah, but I’m not going home to my boyfriend right now.”

“True. Perhaps I’ll shower first?”

“Good plan.”

She went upstairs and found the bathroom down the hall where Severus told her to go. She took off her clothes again and turned the water on. She then noted she had bruises on her thighs from where Severus had been gripping them tightly and she had a hickey on her left breast. How did she not see these things before? And how was she supposed to hide this from James? She sighed and shook her head. She was a stupid, stupid girl. But some part of her still felt pleased with her decision. That’s how incredibly selfish she could be. She was always telling the boys around her that they needed to grow up and change before she’d give them the time of day, and then she’s the one who did something supremely fucked up and childish and selfish. Perhaps it was her that needed to grow up? She was just scared to do so. She didn’t want to grow up yet. But she supposed it was time to start acting like an adult and just go home with her hat in hand and make up with James. Or maybe she should go see her parents for a while? That seemed like a better plan. Maybe she could get her head straight then and also have her bruises heal first. Besides, she wasn’t ready to forgive James or go crawling back. She wanted him to realize she wasn’t a person he could just order around. Mostly she was just lost. But she knew it was time to leave Severus behind. That much was clear.

Downstairs, Severus lit up another joint and smoked it slowly. Why had he let Lily in last night? Why did he sleep with her? It would only bring him heartache. But he had conditioned himself now to not feel as much when it came to her. He could move on and not be a wreck. But it was hard. Especially now that he’d had her in every sense of the word. And she already had his heart. But he knew they were never meant to be. They couldn’t be. But for that night, in that bed, she was his. Just once. She was totally his. And as he let the calm come over him, he realized that was enough. He could die tomorrow and he’d know it was enough to have had her just once. No more fevered daydreams. It was actually real. They had a carnal knowledge of each other now and nothing would erase it. Not time or her marrying someone else. Because for that night, she belonged to him totally. She gave herself to him. And it was enough. He knew it was. And he wasn’t angry or bitter or heartbroken. He was simply content in knowing he had Lily Evans. Everything else just melted away. And he smiled to himself at the memories he’d carry forever.

When she walked downstairs her hair was wet and in a messy knot at the back of her head. She was dressed in the clothes she wore to breakfast, and she’d never looked more beautiful he thought. He got up to greet her and he pulled her close to him and hugged her tightly.

“I wish you weren’t leaving,” he whispered to her.

“I know, but I need to. I’m going to my parents for a short while,” she told him softly.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I think I still need some time to think. Away from everyone. Plus you left bruises on me and a hickey,” she added with a small smirk.

“I did? I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I can fix them. I can heal them. It’s not a problem,” he assured her as he pulled out his wand.

“No, it’s okay. I rather want to keep the evidence of our night for a little while. But for obvious reasons I can’t go home to James yet. But that’s not why I’m staying away. I realized in the shower that I’m the selfish terrible one. I always said that people needed to change before I’d give them the time of day, but no one ever asked me to get off my high horse and change for them. And I think I need to change,” she admitted with tears forming in her eyes.

“I think you’re perfect just the way you are,” he kissed her forehead.

“You’re biased. And so is James. No, I need to do this for me. So I can be a better person.”

“I think you’re a great person already, but I know what you mean. You do sort of live on a high horse sometimes,” he admitted with a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. But I was knocked off that horse last night when I came to your room wearing that outfit. And no it wasn’t planned that way, but I knew exactly what I was doing when I did it.”

“Just tell me this, Lily. Did last night mean anything to you? Other than rebelling against your boring life?” he wondered.

She smiled and kissed his lips softly.

“It meant the world to me.”

“Me too.”

“I’ll never forget it.”

“I never will either.”

“Some part of me will always love you, Severus,” she admitted.

“Me too. I mean, I’ll always love you Lily,” he confessed to her.

“Always?”

“Always.”

She kissed him again and then pulled away and wiped the tears out of her eyes. She took a deep breath and let it out. Then she gathered her bag and her purse and started walking to the door. He walked with her.

“I hope you figure things out,” he told her.

“I will. And you? You be careful.”

“I will. I always am.”

“Goodbye Severus.”

“Goodbye Lily.”

And with that, she opened the door and walked out into the snow and he just watched her leave. He knew in his heart he’d never see her again. But it was okay. He had that night. And it would be enough for the rest of his life.

To be continued…please leave comments to let me know if you’re liking this story or not. Thanks for reading!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus has to deal with the consequences of his life choices.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I just use them for my own wish fulfillment and amusement.

Summary: It’s sixth year and Severus Snape is dying to get Lily Evans to give him a chance at being her boyfriend. He challenges her to two weeks over the Christmas holidays to give him a shot. And if it doesn’t work, he’ll leave her alone forever. Will he be able to win her heart? Or will her burgeoning crush on James Potter win out over her friendship with Severus?

My apologies if the prophecy is not word for word or I made any errors in the story dialogue. There’s just so many small details we don’t know that I just made them up in place and went from memory in others. But hopefully I did the story justice. I would love feedback on how you like this epic tale. Thanks for reading!

 

Holiday of Hope

 

 

Epilogue

When Severus entered the pub that night, he knew Dumbledore would be there. He just wasn’t entirely sure what sort of information he could gather from him, but he knew he was interviewing a new seer for a position at Hogwarts. Perhaps the seer would shed some light on how this war was going to go? Or else she’d just babble some nonsense at Dumbledore and the whole evening would be pointless. But Severus still positioned himself in a place where he could listen without being detected. He wore a cloak and a hood and sat in the corner with a beer in his hands. No one even realized he was there. Certainly not Dumbledore who had his back to him. And at first the whole conversation was incredibly boring. Severus was practically falling asleep. But then all of a sudden the seer went into some sort of weird trance like state and started speaking in a different kind of voice. She uttered the words that Severus knew would change everything. Something about a couple who had thrice defied the Dark Lord and a child who would be marked as his equal and have powers that the Dark Lord knew not. And the child with the power to defeat the Dark Lord would be born as the seventh month died. Neither could live, while the other survived. Severus didn’t quite understand this entirely, but all he knew was that it was a threat. A huge threat. Someone had the power to defeat Voldemort and they must be stopped. He just had no idea how they’d find out who these people were or who this child might be. And how could a child actually defeat the Dark Lord? It made little sense, but Severus rushed out of the pub and went straight to Voldemort with the news.

He had quickly become a favorite of the Dark Lord and was afforded private audience with him on a regular basis. Severus’s information had always proved valuable and tonight Severus thought he had something really worth hearing. It didn’t matter how late it was, Lord Voldemort let him into his chamber and let Severus relay what he’d overheard.

“You say the child was born as the seventh month died? Hmm, interesting indeed. And the parents have thrice defied me. That’s a lot of people I can think of. But only two of them have children born at the end of July,” Voldemort pondered as he paced back and forth.

“Perhaps we should just go after both to be certain?” Severus offered helpfully.

“Perhaps. But I think I know who this seer meant. The Potters have a young boy, born at the end of July. It has to be them.”

Severus felt his stomach drop into his knees.

“What? The Potters? No, I’m sure it’s not them. What about the Longbottom’s? They too have a son born at the end of July. I think it’s them,” he said vehemently.

“Do you dare question my judgement?” Voldemort asked with anger at his young charge.

“No, my Lord. Of course not. It’s just, it might be them instead,” he pointed out.

“They’ve been tortured to insanity and never gave up a single bit of information. They’re out of the picture. But the Potters on the other hand keep getting in my way. Obviously I have no choice but to go after them and destroy this child. No one can have power I don’t have. And no one can defeat me. Certainly not a baby. It’s ludicrous. No, the boy shall never grow old enough to be a threat. I’ll see to that,” Voldemort said with resolve.

“But my Lord, he’s a baby,” Severus said feeling ill for the first time in the presence of his master.

“So? Babies grow up to be men. Men who might be a threat to me. We can’t have that. I will find the Potters and destroy them all. It’s already done. I’ve made up my mind. And as usual, your information has been priceless. Thank you Severus. You can go now,” he dismissed him.

Severus wanted to cry and beg for the Potters lives, but he knew when he was being dismissed. He couldn’t argue with the Dark Lord. It would only get him killed too. He simply bowed his head and rushed out of the room and instantly began panicking. Lily was in danger. Lily was going to die. She warned him once that she might become a target, but he thought she was crazy. But since then, she and James had proven to be hard fighters who got in Voldemort’s way one too many times. And now with this prophecy, they were sitting ducks. And Severus didn’t know what to do. His first thought was to run to them to warn them and tell them to hide. But he’d not seen nor spoken to Lily since the night she came to his house. And he doubted she’d listen to him. But someone had to do something. He couldn’t sit idly by and watch Lily and her family be destroyed. Severus ran out of the house quickly and stopped long enough to be sick in the bushes. He couldn’t help himself. It was his fault that Lily was in danger now. Her whole family. And as much as he hated Potter and didn’t even know the baby, he couldn’t imagine any of them being dead. If James and their child died, Lily would never recover. And Voldemort wasn’t planning to spare Lily anyway. They all had to be protected somehow. He just had to think how to do it. Or who to ask. Or what to do. He suddenly realized what Lily meant when she said that one day his spying would result in someone else dying. And now was that time. Only he never dreamed the people that would be dying would be Lily and her family. He had to do something. Anything.

He pondered his options for hours until he realized there was only one person who could actually do something. One wizard that Voldemort himself actually feared. And that was Dumbledore. Severus owled him quickly and asked to meet with him someplace very private and secluded because he had something secret to share with him. Something he needed to know about. Immediately. Dumbledore sent word back quickly and they set up a meeting at a spot near the ocean in the middle of nowhere. When Severus arrived, he could hear waves crashing on the rocks below and waited impatiently for the old wizard to arrive. And when he appeared, Severus rushed to him and blurted out everything he’d overheard and what Voldemort planned to do. And then he begged for help.

“Please hide them. Hide them all. You can’t let this happen,” he pleaded with Dumbledore.

“If I do this for you Severus, what will you do for me?” Dumbledore posed the question to him.

What kind of question was that? Severus wondered. Wasn’t it enough to save the Potters for the sake of saving them? Didn’t Dumbledore want that too? But no, Severus had to give him something? The old codger wasn’t really all that caring after all. But Severus practically fell to his knees.

“Anything. I’ll do anything,” he assured Dumbledore.

“Very well. You’re a spy, I take it?” Dumbledore gave him a once over.

“Yes.”

“Then you will continue to let Voldemort believe you’re his spy, yet you will be mine instead. You will take a teaching position at Hogwarts and you will report everything you hear directly to me, meanwhile Voldemort will think you’ve duped me into this and are in a better position to spy for him. Understand?” Dumbledore told him.

“Yes, I understand. And you’ll protect them? You’ll save Lily and her son?” Severus asked.

“Yes. I’ll make sure they’re protected. And the boy, you realize he’ll grow up and need to constantly be protected. I expect you to do that when the time comes.”

“Anything. Yes, anything. I’ll protect the boy.”

“Severus you made a foolish mistake aligning yourself with the Dark Lord. I had no idea you’d done such a thing. You were such a promising young student. I thought you’d do great things with your life and talents,” Dumbledore shook his head.

“There’s still time for me. I’m done being Voldemort’s spy. I’m yours now. I promise. Just keep them safe. It’s all I ask,” he pleaded.

“Very well. It’s done. They’ll be set up with a Fidelius Charm. I trust they’ll choose their Secret Keeper wisely and no one will ever find them. They’ll be hidden for as long as need be. I’ll see to it right away.”

“Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much. I swear, anything you want from me, you’ll have it,” Severus promised him.

“I will take you up on that, Severus. I trust you realize that. And maybe one day I’ll ask too much of you, but I expect you to adhere to our agreement,” Dumbledore said gravely.

“Whatever you wish.”

“Run along now. I have work to do. And thank you for telling me this information. No one will know who gave it to me. Ever.”

And with that, Dumbledore disappeared and left Severus crying in the dark listening to the sound of the waves crashing. It was a metaphor for his entire life crashing down before him. He never dreamt he’d be put into this position. But his only thought was keeping Lily safe. He couldn’t live in a world without her in it. They might not be together, but she had to still live in this world. It was imperative to his survival. He’d accepted her choice to marry James, even if he still hated him. But he knew it would happen eventually. And now she had a child to protect. He had a child to protect too, according to Dumbledore. They just had to be safe. That was all that mattered.

 

Halloween 1981

“Good news, Severus,” Voldemort said as he sat in his large stone chair in front of a table where he’d summoned his most loyal servant.

“My Lord, what news is that?” Severus asked, bowing his head.

“I managed to find the Potter’s Secret Keeper. He gave up their location. And it was barely even a fight. So tonight I will take care of this matter. No need for you to worry any longer,” Voldemort said.

“The Secret Keeper spilled the secret? Are you certain?” Severus couldn’t believe his ears. “Who was it? Black? Did he give them up?”

“That is not important. Whoever it was understands what they have done. They had no choice really. I was going to kill them unless they told me. It was easy really.”

“But who was it? Black wouldn’t ever give them up,” Severus muttered, just assuming they’d chosen Sirius as their Secret Keeper. Who else would they choose? He and James were best friends.

But Voldemort wasn’t in the mood to share details.

“It matters not who it was. The point is, I know where they are. Godric’s Hollow. And tonight, I’m going trick or treating,” he laughed evilly.

Severus wanted to scream and cry and punch a hole right through Voldemort’s deformed face. But he knew he couldn’t. He had to try and play this cool. But he also had to try and stop it somehow. He had to.

“My Lord, please forgive me. But Lily Potter is an innocent. I understand you must kill the boy, but please spare Lily. I beg it of you,” Severus asked bowed on one knee in subservience.

“Lily Potter an innocent? Hardly. She’s a strong fighter. And the mother of this child. You wish me to spare her? Why?” Voldemort asked curiously.

“Because my Lord, I love her. I’ve always loved her. And I’ve been your faithful servant and will always be your faithful servant, but I must ask this favor. Please let her go. Take the boy and let her live,” he pleaded, knowing how terrible it sounded to simply give up Lily’s child to save her, but he knew there was no way to save the boy. That was done. But Lily didn’t have to die too. Not if he begged hard enough.

Voldemort was merely amused by the display. Love was a foreign concept to him. He’d never known it and didn’t comprehend it. But he saw how stricken his most loyal charge was. He decided to show mercy.

“Severus, for you, I will try and spare her. As long as she gives me the boy, no harm will come to her. I give you my word,” Voldemort said finally, after pondering the request. After all, Lily Potter would be a broken woman if her child was murdered in front of her. She’d hardly be a threat any longer. And if she was, Voldemort could deal with her at a later date if need be. All that mattered was the boy.

“Thank you, my Lord. Oh thank you. You don’t know what this means. Please just leave her be and take the boy,” Severus said with tears in his eyes.

“Pull yourself together. I said I’d do my best to try and spare her. But if she gets in my way, I make no promises.”

“Of course. I understand. When are you leaving?” Severus asked, trying to pull himself together like he was told to.

“I’m leaving now. Soon all this rubbish will be a memory. And then no one will stand in my way. You can leave now, Severus. I’ve got this handled.”

“Yes my Lord,” he bowed to him and quickly left the room.

His heart was pounding and he was furious and scared and ill all at the same time. If he could get his hands on Sirius he’d wish he was dead and had let Voldemort kill him. How could he give them up? Everything was set down perfectly, and he just caved liked the sissy man Severus always knew he was. If and when he got his hands on him, it wasn’t going to be pretty. Not if Lily died as a result of this. He’d kill Sirius himself with his bare hands. He wouldn’t even bother with magic. But Severus had to see how it played out. He was desperate to know what was going to happen. He couldn’t stop it now, but he could follow Voldemort there. Undetected. He was good at being invisible, even to the Dark Lord himself, if he was on a mission. So he went ahead to Godric’s Hollow and hid out near the cemetery until he saw Voldemort arrive and head towards a house that seemed so ordinary in every way. But that was where Lily lived now. With her family. Her husband and her child. A child he didn’t even know she had until after the prophecy was revealed. He knew she got married, but he didn’t know of the boy. But now he felt terribly that no matter what happened tonight, Lily was losing her son. But perhaps she’d get over it? Maybe? Do parents ever really get over something like that? He wouldn’t know. And right now all he could think of was Lily. He didn’t love the boy, he loved her. He prayed Voldemort would stay true to his word and not hurt her. But could he really trust Voldemort?

He watched as he entered the house and almost immediately there was a shock of green light flashing through the house. And then eerie silence in the entire neighborhood. He had no idea who had just died. It was clearly the light of the killing curse but was it the boy? Was it James? Was it Lily? Then after a short time he saw another shock of green light illuminate the house. And then all at once the entire house exploded with magic and windows broke and shutters flew off and the house was nearly destroyed. Severus had no idea what had just happened, but he rushed to the house to find out. He walked into the living room and debris was everywhere. He went up the stairs and found James dead on the ground. His eyes still open into the void. He stepped over him and felt his chest constrict as he neared what appeared to be a baby’s room and he could hear crying from said baby. The boy was alive. Was there some hope yet that Lily was too? He pushed open the door fully and witnessed the sight. Lily was dead on the floor in front of the crib and the baby just sat there looking at him and crying. Severus fell to his knees and grabbed Lily off the ground. He clutched at her lifeless body and wept harder than he’d ever wept in his life. She was gone. His Lily was gone. And so was Lord Voldemort he noted. He didn’t know what happened to him, yet the boy lived. He was sitting right there in the crib. And he had a lightning bolt shaped gash on his head, but seemed otherwise unharmed.

After a time, Severus finally let Lily go and went to the boy. He bent down and looked him in the eyes and he noted that the eyes were Lily’s eyes. A shock of beautiful green staring back at him with tears flowing down. He simply patted the boy on the head and whispered to him.

“I’m going to keep you safe. For her. I promise you.”

And then Severus quickly ran from the house before anyone knew he was ever there.

One week later…

The following week, the funeral was held. Dumbledore had told him when and where, but he didn’t want anyone to know he was there. He wouldn’t be welcome anyhow. He was told that the boy was safe with relatives for now and it was all over the news how Sirius Black had murdered several Muggles and his other supposed friend Pettigrew, and had promptly been thrown into Azkaban for life. No trial necessary. There were so many witnesses to his outburst, they simply tossed him away and threw away the key before Severus even had a chance to get his hands on him. He supposed Azkaban would be punishment enough, but he’d prefer it if he was the one to die instead. But still the only one left of their group at the funeral was a very distressed looking Remus who cried way too much but kept wiping his eyes so no one would see him. But Severus saw and wished for a moment he was friends with him so they could cry together. He wagered they were the only ones who really felt the pain the way no one else there did. Despite their animosity, he knew Remus loved Lily and James. And he loved Lily with more than his own life. They’d understand each other’s pain. But alas, they weren’t friends. And never would be. In fact, Severus’s life now made it so he really couldn’t have friends. Not real ones. He was playing both sides of the coin now. He wasn’t part of group he used to be a part of, even if they didn’t know it. Plus Voldemort was gone now. Vanished and presumed dead. There was no one left to serve on that side. But he wasn’t one of the good guys either. He was just there. Alone. And now he didn’t even have Lily in the world to keep his thoughts warm at night. She was gone forever. He’d never hear her laugh again. Or see her smile. Or touch her. Or hold her. Or make love to her. Or kiss her. She was gone. And his heart died with her.

When everyone had left the cemetery he emerged from the shadows and placed a single white lily on her grave. He wiped his eyes and stood above her and wondered if she could see him or hear him. He hoped so. He knew this was all his fault. If not for him relaying that message to Voldemort, none of this ever would have happened. He’d forever blame himself and Sirius too. They were both traitors. Only he never meant to be. He had no idea he was sealing Lily’s fate with his actions. But he had. And all he could do now was talk to her grave and hope she would hear him.

“I love you Lily. I always will. I’m so sorry for my part in this. I hope one day you’ll forgive me. You were right, as you so often were. My work was going to get someone killed. I just never imagined it would be you. But I promise to look after your boy for you. When he’s old enough anyway. I won’t let anything happen to him. I promise. You know he has your eyes. I noticed that. And I just keep thinking will I love this boy when I meet him because he was yours, or will I hate him because he’s the reason you’re gone now? Truth is, I don’t have the answer to that yet. Only time will tell. But I promise to still keep him safe for you. No matter what. And I promise never to forget you either. Ever. You will be my love for as long as I live. Always.”

And with that, he walked away and decided never to look back at this place. His life felt over now, but he was only twenty one. He had so many years ahead of him, but they were useless without her. But somehow he had to go on living. Her memory would have to be enough. At least for one night in their lives, she was his. And he’d never forget it. She had been HIS Lily that night. And now she was forever young in his mind. She’d always be the girl he loved. And he’d never let her go. His heart still beat, but it died along with her. And he knew he’d never be whole again.

The End


End file.
